Maggie Black

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    Maggie Black

    It is human nature to think about what we don’t have… it’s the “grass is greener” thing.
    It sounds as if neither are actually a good fit for you. What you need is one man with all the great qualities you love!

    I would not try to force anything but step back and see how things work out.

    Perhaps you and the great guy guy/ mediocre sex could work on that aspect of the relationship.

    Is it a lack of chemistry? Because you cannot create chemistry but you can create new ways to enjoy intimacy.

    Maggie Black

    You hate to be micromanaged and he is a control freak. This is going to be a long hard road.
    I like Kelly’s question.

    Maggie Black

    You are not being selfish at all. You are being true to who you are and that is the most important thing.
    You are so young and have been with your boyfriend since you were eighteen and this is a time when you need to explore and decide what you want.
    You have decided and now you must do it!
    I know how you feel because I am in a similar situation and as hard as it is I know I must make the decision that is best for me.
    If you were supposed to be with him at this time of your life you would know it. You wouldn’t be able to imagine your life without him in it.
    Take your time and be true to yourself.

    Maggie Black

    He sounds like he has no motivation whatsoever and you will tire of this.
    Men need to show some manliness in their lives by doing things!
    Treating you well is one of them and he has fallen way short.
    Whatever his problem is, it isn’t yours and I seriously hope you do not get further involved in this.
    I have been in situations like this and looking back I can see now that it was because I was doing all the work in the
    relationship is why there was one at all.
    Do yourself a favor and exit this immediately. Your self esteem will continue to drop and will lead to you getting into unhealthy relationships.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 4 months ago by Maggie Black.
    Maggie Black

    No! Not at all. In fact I hope you will take time to find the one who you don’t have to “settle” for.
    He has too many issues you don’t feel comfortable with.
    It’s not like you cannot find someone else! Take your time to find the true love of your life!!

    Maggie Black

    If you have any extra money, you might want to get her an apartment, pay the first month and tell her she is on her own.
    I agree that this is a hard stance but in order for her to “look up” she is going to have to get all the way down first.

    Not only is the enabling you are giving her hurting her, but it is going to affect your relationship and may be hard on your boyfriend who is sober.

    However you don’t want to enable him either because there are all kinds of negative influences out there and he is going to have to learn how to deal with them anyway.

    But if you value your relationship you are probably going to have to choose. That is sad I know.

    You could try giving your daughter an ultimatum and a specific time for her to get her act together before you do the apartment thing.
    Maybe she would change.

    It is doubtful, but not impossible.

    Most people don’t change until they hit rock bottom.

    I wish you well.

    Maggie Black

    From the start he was my dream come true. And I think that his perfection was clouding my ability to admit to myself that there was something missing, which was the feeling of love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability. Looking back on it now, I feel like I was trying so hard to be his equal, to be perfect for him, that I never really exposed the full me

    WOW! Well said, Catherine!
    I think you just answered your own question.

    Without love, emotional intimacy and vulnerability true love cannot exist. We can only love to the depths we allow ourselves to be seen.
    I have read a lot on how men cannot even fall in love without the vulnerability of a woman in play.

    The vulnerability is what makes us really feel the deep love and stay in love.

    So you two were so right for each other in many ways but that was missing.
    You are on the right track because you instinctively knew that something was missing.

    To see if this indeed was the missing ingredient you could ask to see him and open up and be very vulnerable with your feelings.
    Tell him how you REALLY feel.

    If you don’t want to do this, then just work on opening up in the future.
    I wish you well.

    Maggie Black

    Meeting her for the first time… dancing, having fun (even if you couldn’t do much talking) 🙂 probably made things pretty intense and exciting.
    When you are already ‘friends”, some of the newness and attraction could be muted due to the nature of the friendship. If you have been friends, you may have seen the girl in different situations and so it isn’t the same as seeing a girl for the first or second time and knowing nothing about her. I think the excitement adds to the attraction.

    You may truly like this girl more than others.

    Don’t overthink this. The girl actually had some good advice. She said she wanted to be friends first and see where it goes.
    Even though you want more than this, she is telling you that she is willing to pursue the relationship further. She wants to get to know you better. I would take this as a very good sign!

    Now that you have told her how you feel, just step back and give her time to get to know you without feeling like you are pushy or want something from her. This will make you more attractive to her.

    Attraction is one part letting her know you find her attractive and like her, and one part stepping back and giving her space to feel the attraction to you.

    I know you probably know this, but acting needy, calling too much, texting too much and always telling her how you feel can make her attraction fade.

    Let her have some time to see you for the person you are.

    It sound like fun to me!!

    Oh.. you asked if you should let go for something more deep and meaningful.
    I am not sure I understand this question.
    How do you know what is deep and meaningful unless you give it a chance to develop into that?

    Give this a chance. If it is nothing but a friendship you haven’t lost anything. You are young. Get to know many girls so you can decide what kind of girl you want in life.
    Even though this is probably far from your mind now, life has a way of creeping up on us and we can end up with someone we never meant to be with.

    Maggie Black

    Thank you, Omion, for the added information.
    I suppose I am playing “mother” here. I think knowing you are so young, I just hate to see you going through this. It is not that he doesn’t deserve someone to not bail on him when he is going through this time in his life because he does.
    I just wouldn’t want you to stay in such an emotionally charged situation unless you are completely dedicated to his happiness and this relationship.
    Your questions towards the end of your post is what got me thinking along the line of you not being completely invested in the relationship. And that is perfectly ok of course! You are very young and he is older which again is ok but there is a little difference in what is going on in the dynamics.
    You are probably looking for a relationship where it is about both of you and “the relationship” and now the relationship is taking on another life. This life is going to be about his brother as it should be.
    Your question is are you OK with that.

    If it were me, and I had 20/20 hindsight, 🙂 I would let the relationship move along without any interference from you. Just see where it goes. He might realize that he is not putting you in your rightful place and set things right.
    He might not even realize what he is doing because of the grief and pain.

    Just don’t let yourself get caught up in a relationship where you are trying to do all of the accommodating.
    You deserve a fresh and fulfilling love relationship where it is about YOU and your love.

    I believe you know the answer to what you want but are afraid that you might seem selfish to pursue it.

    If you aren’t 100 % in love and sold out, then relationships are really hard and will take a toll on you.
    Give some though to the questions: Is my life (right now) better or worse with him? Is he meeting my needs? (You have said no to this one.)
    Think about what you WANT now in your life at this time.
    Being 25 is a wonderful thing. It is a time when we sometimes will choose something that will stay with us for many years or even forever, so choose wisely. Please don’t SETTLE.
    I want you to have fun and feel energy and hopefulness at this time of your life.
    Please let me know how things go.

    Maggie Black

    Knowing how old you both are and how long you have been together would be helpful.
    I ask because the investment in the relationship matters.

    Other than that I would have to say to go with your heart.

    More details would help us help you.

    Maggie Black

    You are welcome, L.
    Glad you dodged the bullet. 🙂

    Maggie Black

    One thing I do know: He didn’t have to tell you he was married.
    So why did he?

    Two reasons come to mind.
    1. He wants to be honest with you so you know what you are getting yourself into because he likes you.
    2.He likes you and wants to put everything out there so there will be honesty up front.
    They sound similar but one has to do with the fact he wants YOU to know what you are getting into.
    The other is HE LIKES YOU and wants the relationship (whatever it is or can be) to be based in truth.

    One is based on YOU and one is based on HIM.

    What I don’t see is that he is playing you in any way because if he was, he wouldn’t have to tell you he was married.
    Choosing to be in a relationship with a married person is very painful.

    I don’t think it matters so much how he feels about her or any of that. What matters is his intent towards her.
    If he is not planning on divorcing her then what could he offer you?

    Just keep a level head so you don’t get sucked down a path you don’t want to go.

    I would ask him what his intentions are with his marriage are.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 6 months ago by Maggie Black.
    Maggie Black

    I feel like you are answering your own question… like you know what you need to do but just want some reassurance about it.
    You know… if he would even just talk about the problem with you, well, that would be something.
    But as it is, you are left just holding the bag… not knowing what to do with it.
    Because you are trying to please him but he isn’t reciprocating.
    What to do with that???
    How can you ever feel good, free, loved, whole or anything else if your lover won’t even talk about it, much less do anything except put his penis there.
    Sex like this is actually just one step from masturbation in my opinion.
    no closeness, warmth, intimacy, or all the beautiful things that make sex so wonderful.

    I am telling you what I would do.
    I would tell him that this is unacceptable to me.
    That I really love sex and want a very satisfying sex life and I am not getting it.
    I would tell him that I want some time to think things through. I want to just have time to be who I am and see how I feel.
    This will give you an opportunity to find out how much he means to you and what you are willing to trade off for in the relationship.
    Trade offs aren’t all bad… but some are dealbreakers.
    If you find out that this is then you are halfway out the door.
    Best wishes.

    Maggie Black

    Some men have a fear of intimacy. They want to say these things to women but feel afraid so offset it with humor.
    I would just take what he said and forget the humor.
    Or you could used it on him so he can see how it feels.
    Or just tell him how it makes you feel.

    Maggie Black

    He probably wanted you to beg him back or at least cry a little in front of him. But you did neither so he didn’t get any closure. You didn’t either though so it was not a good break up and this was all his fault.
    I am proud of you for being so strong. Hopefully you won’t give him the time of day. Not doing anything lets him know he isn’t worth even mentioning.
    I am sorry you had to go through this and I am happy you went through it now instead of later.
    Having to go get the things you left allowed you to see this whole other side of him so be happy you did leave it so you can see what he is made of and is capable of.

    I wish you well!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 59 total)