How can Ihelp my boyfriend who is going through a tough time?

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This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Omion.

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January 30, 2015 at 3:25 am #72104

Omion
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Hello,
My name is Clem and I am in a situation that is causing me a lot of pain and confusion, which I really need to talk about with somebody as I am at a loss what to do. I am in love with my boyfriend and want to do everything and anything to help him be happy. But his brother has cancer and it’s only getting worse, everyone is thinking about who will bring up his little boys when he’s gone. My boyfriend’s mum also died of cancer and he has been through some other traumatic events in his life.

With all this in mind I am very lenient and try not to get upset when he has trouble meeting my needs. I’m not so strong though and frequently find myself alone sobbing in my room. I feel selfish to ask my boyfriend to spend more time with me and ask how I’m doing but I also feel like it’s not healthy for me to bottle all my problems up because I don’t want to add any other negatives in his life. I can’t help often feeling rejected and let down by him.

I have thought a lot about the options.. I could stay with him as things are going now and enjoy the time we can spend together but often feel on my own. Or another part of me thinks that this selflessness might be a bit disrespectful to my own needs and desires and that maybe we should really just be friends as he is not at a time in his life where he can fully commit to a relationship. I’m feeling very lost and I don’t know if my love is whole and authentic or whether it is attachment. Any comments or suggestions on my situation would be really helpful.

Thank you so much.

Namaste,
Clem

January 30, 2015 at 3:32 am #72105

Maggie Black
Participant

Knowing how old you both are and how long you have been together would be helpful.
I ask because the investment in the relationship matters.

Other than that I would have to say to go with your heart.

More details would help us help you.

January 30, 2015 at 3:41 am #72106

Omion
Participant

Thank you Maggie. I am 25 and this is my first love. He is 36 and we have been together for seven months.

January 30, 2015 at 4:37 am #72107

Maggie Black
Participant

Thank you, Omion, for the added information.
I suppose I am playing “mother” here. I think knowing you are so young, I just hate to see you going through this. It is not that he doesn’t deserve someone to not bail on him when he is going through this time in his life because he does.
I just wouldn’t want you to stay in such an emotionally charged situation unless you are completely dedicated to his happiness and this relationship.
Your questions towards the end of your post is what got me thinking along the line of you not being completely invested in the relationship. And that is perfectly ok of course! You are very young and he is older which again is ok but there is a little difference in what is going on in the dynamics.
You are probably looking for a relationship where it is about both of you and “the relationship” and now the relationship is taking on another life. This life is going to be about his brother as it should be.
Your question is are you OK with that.

If it were me, and I had 20/20 hindsight, 🙂 I would let the relationship move along without any interference from you. Just see where it goes. He might realize that he is not putting you in your rightful place and set things right.
He might not even realize what he is doing because of the grief and pain.

Just don’t let yourself get caught up in a relationship where you are trying to do all of the accommodating.
You deserve a fresh and fulfilling love relationship where it is about YOU and your love.

I believe you know the answer to what you want but are afraid that you might seem selfish to pursue it.

If you aren’t 100 % in love and sold out, then relationships are really hard and will take a toll on you.
Give some though to the questions: Is my life (right now) better or worse with him? Is he meeting my needs? (You have said no to this one.)
Think about what you WANT now in your life at this time.
Being 25 is a wonderful thing. It is a time when we sometimes will choose something that will stay with us for many years or even forever, so choose wisely. Please don’t SETTLE.
I want you to have fun and feel energy and hopefulness at this time of your life.
Please let me know how things go.

January 30, 2015 at 4:54 am #72109
Inky
Participant
Hi Omion,

Your boyfriend is under a phenomenal amount of stress right now. In addition, he may have to raise two little ones! My DH’s mother is dying and our life has virtually stopped for the past year. This is my MIL’s time now. That’s the way you should look at it. It’s the brother’s time now.

If you do the slow fade he may not even notice. But if you stick with him for this tough life crisis, he might realize that you are solid. Now, if the brother dies and he still ignores you, then he’s not the one anyway. Also, if he inherits the kids, you don’t need to be a surrogate mom! Then you really won’t be able to spend time with him! And by the way, for any other crisis he will be this way. Unless you yourself are in a crisis. Then he’d give you %100!

It would seem pretty crappy if you broke up with him now, especially if you say, “You don’t pay enough attention to me” while the brother’s lying on his deathbed. He’d be relieved that there’s one less distraction or devastated. I myself would do the slow fade and be with him as a friend. Let him contact me. If more than a few weeks go by I would move on.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
January 31, 2015 at 10:57 am #72148

Ashley Arcel
Participant

Hello,

I read your post with great interest and I am in disbelief of the kind of stress you are under.

From my point of view, you need to ask yourself if he is the person you would want to spend your life with? And if the answer is affirmative then the path is pretty simple.

While you decide on what this, I would suggest you to stay besides him atleast as a friend as this is probably the worst time of his life and it would be morally improper to leave him in isolation. It is often said that a friend in need is a friend indeed, and even iff you later decide that he is not the person you want to spend your life with and walk away, I am sure you would walk away with a friend in him.

Hope this helps.

Ashley

February 1, 2015 at 3:55 pm #72200

Meek
Participant

Hi Clem
Im going through the exact same thing.
Im 24 my bf is 37 and his mother just passed away from cancer a few months ago. He left his job to help her in her last stages. Im very proud of him but ever since the beginning ive never felt very commmitted to him and now ive been with him for just over a year. He gets angry alot and says horrible things every now and then and i just cant figure him out. My dad also has cancer so i know what hes going through but for the past 6 months ive been trying to decide about my feelings whether to hang in there or move on. I dont feel in love with him but i know hes in love with me. Im a very outgoing social person who loves to live life to the fullest and i live to travel. He likes to stay home and watch movies all day everyday. Feel like im getting manipulated out of my own life. I understand it can be so complicated! you love him but you dont love him… im in the process of wanting to move on but im still not strong enough to do it and im not sure why. Im happier when i hang out with my friends and hes not there..
I think you need to find where your happy and do things that make you happy and if that means you have to leave him behind then so be it so just relax do your own thing for a bit and hopefully things will fall into place as they should.
🙂

February 1, 2015 at 8:20 pm #72221

Omion
Participant

Thank you so much for all these thoughtful responses. Zeph2280, it sounds like you are going through an even tougher time than me with your dad sick as well. It also sound like you and your boyfriend want very different things out of life, which is probably due to a mixture of personality and age. Often things I get excited about my boyfriend was getting excited about ten years ago hah. But I think the dynamics work in our relationship because we generally have the same values, interests, dreams.

I’ve thought about all the comments that have been left. I love and care for him as a lover and a friend. My life is definitely better with him in it and I am going to stand by him through this. I think Maggie and Inky’s comments about this being his brothers time now is spot on. It’s time to let go of the reigns a bit and take each day as it comes. Our relationship is not the main event right now. When I wrote my first post I think a lot of it came from a part of me that was fearful of rejection. I should be working on my inner strength and rising above this fear rather than giving in to anxieties and negative emotions. I also want to work on being independent and OK on my own. The purpose of being in a relationship isn’t just to alleviate loneliness!

My boyfriend told me last night that he was worried about our relationship mainly because he knows himself and how he tends to shut people out and become very solitary when he is grieving. I thought it was very honest and brave of him to explain this to me. I hope he doesn’t, but if he does there isn’t really much I can do. So in the end I think all I can do is work on calming my own mind and being a source of strength for him even if he chooses not to use it.
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