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Are these unrealistic expectations?

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  • #73095
    N.
    Participant

    Hello everyone! I joined this forum to ask this question, and I hope some of you guys can help me out. The question is:
    What are unrealistic expectations in a relationship?

    See, im a 17 year old girl who got out of her first relationship about 6 months ago. My ex boyfriend wants me back, and in fact, the only reason we broke up is because he moved. We were together for over a year, and he was a really good boyfriend to me.

    Looking back, i’ve noticed somethings, and im starting to worry as well.
    1. I wonder if we really have much in common. I mean, our conversations when we were together were ok…he would ask how my day was, if I was feeling ok that day(I have fibromyalgia), what im doing…it was nice to know that he cared, and I truly appreciate that, but our conversations never really went any deeper than that. I wonder if we ever really connected on a deeper level while we were together, and I realize that I want that. Is that wrong of me?
    2. Our career paths. I want to be a Registered Nurse, and work with babies. He, on the other hand, wants to be a rapper, and does not have a backup plan,(no hs diploma nor GED, but that’s a wholeee other thing..sigh) and that freaks me out in ways I cant even explain. When I think about what I want when im older, I want stability. I want to have a guy whom I can come home to every night(Rappers/musicians are one tour a lot), I want financial stability. Now let me emphasize that I do not care about being rich. But I want to have my bills be paid, food on the table, gas in my car, you know, the basics. I see my mother live paycheck to paycheck, and trust me, it aint fun! I dont want to worry about what he’s going when he’s away.(With women throwing themselves at him, alcohol and partying going on…it worries me.) I just…I dont want the flashy lifestyle that this might provide…Im a private, simple, easily-satisfied chick, if I say so myself lol I dont ask for much…
    3. Certain habits. My biggest issue is that he smokes weed, but I never nag him about it, because he has never smoked around me. I know that his whole family smokes tho, and Im not going to lie, it’s a turnoff for me.

    If I could have my way, this is what I would want in a guy:
    1. Stability (go for a nice, stable job…please)
    2. Connection and common interests(I want someone who would like to travel with me when we’re older! 😀 it sounds like fun)
    3.Love and faithfulness
    4.No drug use…
    5.Kind and caring(especially with my fibromyalgia, things can get kinda rough…)
    6.Intelligent and open-minded(I like to learn things, and I’d like to share things that I’ve learned without sounding like im some sort of know it all…I’d like to have someone who understands, and wants to learn things about life right along side me)

    I dont want someone who is rich, dont care about height(my height or taller, which I think it reasonable. My ex was around my height, maybe a smidgen taller), dont care about if you look like a model with a perfectly chiseled body(just be attractive in my eyes), and I dont really believe in soulmates, so im not looking for that either…

    Am I being unreasonable? Selfish? Should I just stick it out because I have a guy who loves and cares about me? Im asking because, I dont wanna throw away a relationship for possibly stupid reasons.
    Thank you to those who reply 🙂

    #73098
    Maggie Black
    Participant

    No! Not at all. In fact I hope you will take time to find the one who you don’t have to “settle” for.
    He has too many issues you don’t feel comfortable with.
    It’s not like you cannot find someone else! Take your time to find the true love of your life!!

    #73099
    Yue
    Participant

    Hi Onewish,

    Your expectations are not unrealistic at all. I mean, can you imagine spending your life with someone who you don’t feel a deep connection to? The other stuff like open mindedness, love, faithfulness, addiction etc they are fundemental values and far more important than things like common interests. Don’t go out with someone who doesn’t share your values as they are very difficult to change.

    #73100
    N.
    Participant

    I agree about fundamental values being more important that common interests….it just that, common interests give you more things to talk about 🙂

    Thanks for the advice so far guys

    #73239
    Will
    Participant

    Yes, please don’t get back together with this guy.

    It’s good to know what you want, and honestly, it seems he ticks only about 1 or 2 of your boxes. You’re too young to settle for that.

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