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Jodi

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 63 total)
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  • #87837
    Jodi
    Participant

    I’m not quite sure what out of his league might be from what you have written however, something that I always work with my clients on is becoming the type of person that you would want to date. That is the key to attracting and being attracted to who you wish to have in your life. Make the changes necessary in your own life to be in his “league”.

    ~Jodi

    #87834
    Jodi
    Participant

    One tactic I learned when I worked in a pretty toxic environment was not to allow the negative talk to just continue when I had to be there. I did a lot of staying to myself and finding other things that needed to be done when toxic people were around. However at times I couldn’t just leave so I adapted by changing the conversation when I was with them. I changed the subject often and I would always play Pollyanna and point out the brightside of things. Eventually the toxic people don’t want to talk with you anymore because you won’t engage in the negativity.

    ~Jodi

    #87762
    Jodi
    Participant

    My question would be, what has changed for either of you other than you apologized? Does she still want something different than you do or have one or both of your changed your mind? If nothing has changed and you still want different things then trying again may just prolong the inevitable breakup. A conversation about these things is in order for you to know how to proceed.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Jodi.
    #86725
    Jodi
    Participant

    It sounds like she was telling you what she thought you wanted to hear. Personally, I used to attract a lot of men who would tell me what they thought I wanted to hear rather than just telling me the truth. Eventually, through practice, I learned to tell when someone was doing and that and I would remind them that I wanted to truth no matter how harsh. It took some practice dealing with people to learn how to recognize it, but you can do it. As Inky mentioned, it’s also important to remember not to take things personally because her dishonesty was more about her than it was about you.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    #86724
    Jodi
    Participant

    One thing that has worked for others in similar situations as yours is focusing on just getting to know people as friends. Rather than trying to get to know them or talk to them in a romantic sense, just talk to them as though you only want to be friends with them. Get to know them for who they are are. Getting to know the real person will help curb the obsession over your fantasy version of them.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    #86664
    Jodi
    Participant

    I myself am a spiritual person who is in a relationship with an atheist. The reason our relationship works is that neither of us has any inclination or desire to change the other. I would suggest that you examine a couple of things about your relationship. 1) Is your resentment about your bf not changing as you imagined he might? 2) Have either of you pressured one another to change or see things differently? 3) Is his inviting you home for Christmas a chance to see if you will change or to introduce you to his family and their traditions? 4) Has he asked you to fast with his family?

    My guess is that his family is used to being around others who are not fasting if this is something they regularly do, so your not fasting might not be as big of a deal as you might think. However, if you think you feel feel very uncomfortable, tell him that and perhaps you can come up with a solution together.

    Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    #83957
    Jodi
    Participant

    The first thing that came to mind when I read your story was “if we don’t control our thoughts, they will control us” (can’t remember who said it, but it’s a great quote) If you are ruminating on a past love that didn’t work, that means you are not past it and even if your new love is perfect for you, you may not be able to see it or be available for an authentic relationship with him. Practices such as meditation and journaling can help with the rumination. Coaching may also help you to work through your feelings and thoughts about your past relationship so you can show up fully in the one you have now. If you don’t work this out, you will continue to have this issue with every new relationship you have. Best to deal with it now and be done with it. Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    #83938
    Jodi
    Participant

    I agree with Inky that this girl is NOT ready for a relationship. She was telling you and showing you all along and it sounds like in hindsight you can see that. Good for you! Your best bet is probably to move forward and find someone who is ready for a relationship and let go of this one as lovingly as you can. She is still working through her baggage and has not done the work you have to get over her past. Focus on finding someone who has done the work. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

    #83846
    Jodi
    Participant

    One place to start is to get really clear about what exactly you are looking for. (Dating, relationship, casual sex, etc). Also ask yourself what you are afraid of by putting yourself back out there. Many times our fears are not as real as they seem in our head. How realistic is your fear and where does it stem from? You’ll also need to determine if you have thoughts and behaviors that are keeping you stuck and once those are identified, work on overcoming those and dealing with them. I would suggest working through some of these things before jumping back in so that you don’t create more frustration and fear for yourself around the idea of dating. Perhaps a coach or therapist can help get you on the right track and moving towards your goals. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

    #83845
    Jodi
    Participant

    I didn’t find it hard to find people with spiritual interests. When I moved to my current city (Charleston SC ) I went on meetup.com and found several groups geared towards spiritual interests. This might be an option for you if you are looking to meet more like minded people.

    Following your intuition is like meditation, it’s a practice. You’ll get better at it the more your practice and get in tune with your own “gut”.

    You’ll have to determine for yourself what qualities are deal breakers and absolutes for you. My advice would be to be very openminded about your beliefs and those of others. As you get to know more people and date more, you’ll learn what feels right for you. For example, I am quite spiritual (not religious) and my partner is atheist, but he follows buddhist teachings very similar to my own beliefs. Even though we technically don’t matchup with our beliefs, it works because we live our lives according to the same values.

    Hope this helps!
    ~Jodi

    #83839
    Jodi
    Participant

    I agree with Anita, that the “hopeless romantic” persona is not serving you very well. Rather than looking for love in so many that you befriend, what if you sat down and got really clear about exactly what you are looking for in a partner? So many times people who are hopeless romantics put off the vibe to potential dates that they are desperate and are simply looking for a name for the girlfriend/boyfriend blank space. That will scare people off every time. Perhaps take some time off from dating and get very clear about your wants and needs. Also look at thoughts and behaviors that may be holding you back and begin addressing those. Find a good coach that can help you work through the process and give yourself some time to figure it all out.

    Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Jodi.
    #83601
    Jodi
    Participant

    Keep in mind that you have to give yourself a bit of time to heal as well. So it’s good that you recognize your limitations of friendship with her. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to get past the disappointment and loss. Best of luck!
    ~Jodi

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Jodi.
    #83383
    Jodi
    Participant

    It is difficult to be friends after a breakup even in the best of circumstances. However, I think the issue here is that because you care about her you are still trying to “help”. Your ex may not be able to accept help from you. There are five major stages of change and it sounds like she is either in the contemplation stage or the preparation stage, both of which happen before change actually occurs. At that point she is not ready for anyone’s help least of all yours. If you do extend your hand in friendship, do just that, just be her friend and let her find her own way. That may mean a lot of nodding and smiling and not helping on your part, but at this point that may be all she can accept. However, make sure that you are able to be her friend without it adversely affecting you as well. You can always choose to be “friendly” instead, meaning that you exchange pleasantries in the hall at work but you don’t really hang out or chat. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

    #83137
    Jodi
    Participant

    You have nothing to lose by texting him and asking. At least that way you’ll have your answer and you can plan accordingly. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

    #83128
    Jodi
    Participant

    It sounds like you found a first rate narcissist. His being overly critical and manipulative and then blaming you and siting his friends opinions that you are the reasons things went downhill are classic signs. He ticks off most of the boxes here. Narcissists do not change because the personality itself doesn’t allow them to even see the need to change. Nothing is ever their fault, so why should they? For your own sanity, move on and find someone who has the capacity to be in a relationship with you. Best of luck!

    ~Jodi

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 63 total)