Obsessing over people, and being insecure

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This topic has 6 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 1 month ago by Anonymous.

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November 3, 2015 at 2:04 pm #86688
rosaly
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Whenever I like someone, which is not very often (romantically) I just cannot talk to them. I’m 24 years old and I have great friends,and a lovely family. But I have a hard time connecting with guys I fancy, so I’ve been single for 5 years.

After falling “in love” many times with someone I really did not know that well because I was too scared to be alone with them (and ask them out) I discovered that I had imagined all kinds of wonderful things about them all of which were in my mind. I find myself only daydreaming and it’s so hurtful and wonderful at the same time.

It seemed like I really knew them but I was just really projecting on to them what would be ideal for me. I wanted to get to know them, the real them, but I was always too afraid. I recently talked to this guy I met at a party, I saw him a few times whenever I was together with our mutual friends. He seemed really nice, and we laughed together a lot.

I never had the courage to ask him out on a date and it’s been roughly two months since I saw him, tough we do still chat online. Today I found out that he had a date with another person, and that he really fancied that person. So I’ve been feeling really sad and insecure once again.

I feel like whenever I do see someone I like, I just obsess about them and take no action. people told me if I stopped looking the right person would come along, or that I needed to love myself first.

But what If I had that for a really long time and It didn’t work? Nowdays loving myself and being independent and single is now just getting me down… because it feels like it doesn’t pay off and it’s all Ill ever have to be happy.

Any advice? 🙂 x
- This topic was modified 9 years, 1 month ago by rosaly.
November 3, 2015 at 2:41 pm #86690

Anonymous
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Dear rosaly:

When you, as you put it, fancy a guy, tell him so. Tell him (online or in person): “I fancy you!” You don’t have to plan what you will say next or what he may say and then what you will say… and who will suggest a date and so on. Just say it: “I like you.” Or: “I feel like getting to know you better.” Get out that first sentence out and put it out there in reality, that is in his ears or eyes to read. Then wait. IF he says something or types something, stay with it for a while. No need to say something right away. If something needs to be said, say: “I am going to think about it and get back to you.” And get back to him when and if you are ready.

Instead of building stories in your head with a beginning, a middle and an end when in reality nothing happens, spit out the first sentence, say it. That first sentence may be the whole story, but at least it will be a real (one sentence) story. That first sentence may be followed by his sentence and you may have a one paragraph story, but… it will be a real one paragraph story.

The sentences you say, make them real, like what I used as examples here. Not trivia stuff, like talk about the weather or a movie, REAL FEELINGS stuff, in short burst. “I feel excited about the idea” (of a date, let’s say, if he suggests it). No need to thing further. “I will think about it and get back to you”- and then get back to him with the next heart felt sentence.

This way you put together a real life story, one heart felt, honest, sincere sentence at a time.

anita

November 3, 2015 at 5:02 pm #86692

christy
Participant

rosaly,

I’m a lot like you and totally identify with your experience. My guess is he probably was interested in you too at one point, but didn’t think you felt the same way.

I agree with Anita- if you like him, tell him. Make more efforts to hang out with him, just you two. Or if it’s too scary, continue with the group outings, but limit the people and maybe talk to him more, sit next him, etc.

No one wants to be rejected, but if you never put yourself out there- you’ll never know. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, what’s the worst that can happen. I tell him I like him and he.. laughs in my face?! It would suck, but your life won’t end in that moment. It’ll make you stronger.

November 4, 2015 at 6:57 am #86724

Jodi
Participant

One thing that has worked for others in similar situations as yours is focusing on just getting to know people as friends. Rather than trying to get to know them or talk to them in a romantic sense, just talk to them as though you only want to be friends with them. Get to know them for who they are are. Getting to know the real person will help curb the obsession over your fantasy version of them.

Best of luck!
~Jodi

November 4, 2015 at 12:33 pm #86738

rosaly
Participant

You are absolutely right… I just wish I had the courage to speak up. I decided to leave it alone since he is dating someone else now, I really hope I will learn how to be more assertive, thank you 🙂

November 4, 2015 at 12:34 pm #86739

rosaly
Participant

That is actually really good advice, thank you. The only thing is that, I would be afraid to give off the wrong impression!

November 4, 2015 at 12:58 pm #86742

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rosaly:

I understand your concern about giving the wrong impression. But the thing is, you take breaks between one sentence you say and the next. If he (whomever the guy is) says something after your first sentence, you listen and figure: did he get the wrong impression of me, by what he said. If so then your second or so sentence will be about correcting his impression, correcting his thinking and telling him what indeed you meant. For example, if you say to the guy: “I am excited about the idea of getting to know you.” and he says: “well, how about spending the night with me and getting to know each other…?” And you didn’t mean it, then your next sentence would be: “I meant I was excited about how your brain works, not your body, not at this point anyway.”

This is the difference between having the whole story in your head and having the story in real life. In your head there is YOU and YOU. In real life there is YOU and HIM. So you tell him something. He tells you something. You listen, figure things out, maybe ask a question, get an answer, etc.

If the guy gets the wrong impression of you, as in my example, that doesn’t force you to go along with his wrong impression and spend the night with him, as in my example. Instead it gives you the opportunity to think better, communicate better, assert better.

anita
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