Timings not matching or total illusion?

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This topic has 26 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 2 years ago by Anonymous.

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September 10, 2015 at 10:35 am #83136

rookie
Participant

Hello guys, I’m sorry I haven’t took the time to introduce myself but I must say that I have come to this site a lot and it has really been helping me a lot but this timeàà I really need some help on this one. So here it goes,I hope I’m clearly explaining this so if any question just ask.

So this guy who is currently living on the other side of the world started to talk with me over the internet (we both know a lot of people in common but not each other) and I replied and we kept talking a lot and eventually started making phone calls that lasted hours and then he told me that due to his work he could pass here to visit me for a day, and so we met I really enjoyed our talk and getting to know him more and eventually things led up to us getting involved and now that he left I feel like he changed even though I would like to invest on it,because he has been not only talking less but he seems colder now, what I would like to know is if you guys think I should text Him and ask if he wants to invest on it too or not because I don’t know if he is on the same page as me or if he even has a good idea of me due to us getting involved so fast. Maybe it’s insane because his life is not even happening here. Maybe I gave myself too fast. I’m feeling really lost and I would like your help.

Thank you guys in advance
Cheers

September 10, 2015 at 10:38 am #83137

Jodi
Participant

You have nothing to lose by texting him and asking. At least that way you’ll have your answer and you can plan accordingly. Best of luck!

~Jodi

September 10, 2015 at 10:46 am #83138

rookie
Participant

Thanks for replying Jodi, yeah you’re right I should try asking and seeing what he says, I’ll update when I’ll ask him about it

September 10, 2015 at 12:04 pm #83141

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rookie:

When you ask him, you can include what you typed here, your concernt that you gave yourself too fast and the fact that he lives so far away. Make your question as inviting of his honest answer as possible, a question meant to get honest information instead of, let’s say expressing desperation, anxiety, blame and such.

Hoping you do add an update.
anita

September 10, 2015 at 2:17 pm #83142

Jane
Participant

I agree you should probably ask him, with an understanding that he has a life in a difference country. It is hard having family and friends in another part of the world. I say this in order to protect your emotions. But I agree that it would be good for you to have a clear cut conclusion one way or another in order to move on. I had a long term relationship years ago where I felt my boyfriend didn’t want to stay but he kept on stringing me on, it is the worst. All I can say is that there are many good people out there, and if I hadn’t concluded the relationship I would not have met my husband, who I have been married to for years. I live by the rule that if someone takes away my energy or makes me feel bad, let it go. Hope it helps.

September 11, 2015 at 4:29 am #83165

rookie
Participant

Hey guys
Before giving my update I would like to thank you guys once again for your answers 🙂
So I texted him and I was as honest as possible and said that I really liked to meet him and that I would like to try and see him more often (he’s going actually to be one country away until Christmas and then back to where he was before) he took a while to answer (which I totally understand because I would probably do the same to think as well) and he said that he was glad that I was this honest but at this point is too soon too tell and that he would need to spend more time with me to form an opinion, that he wanted to stay I touch with me and see where this will go (our conversations and eventually our placements). It does seem reasonable, but I guess it’s hard for me not to feel like I’m going to get iluded with this, we already talked on the phone after that and we talked normally and it was nice. I know I shouldn’t stop my life because of this and at the same time it does feel reasonable, but I would like to hear what you guys think

Thanks 🙂

September 11, 2015 at 4:32 am #83166

rookie
Participant

Anita if you still want me to write what I said just tell me and I’ll write it here

September 11, 2015 at 4:37 am #83167

rookie
Participant

Janeames yes I can have an idea, I live on the other side of the world as well (was born in Europe and I live in asia now) but I almost have no communication with my family aside from my sis (I’m better with my family issues but I still have a lot to work on). And to be honest I was expecting him to not reply or to think that I was insane (I know I should have expectations whether they are good or bad but I couldn’t help it), at least it taught me that there are some good people in this world not everyone is that bad, but I still feel like this is complicated to handle.

September 11, 2015 at 9:24 am #83170

Anonymous
Guest

Dear rookie:

From my reading of his answer to your question to him, I see that you asked him honestly and that you invited his honesty: good job on your part, I say! His answer strikes me as honest and reasonable, so, so far, so good.

The tough part is to… want so much to see where it goes, to be IN the story but having to wait- this is the tough part, letting things be for now as they are. Rush it- and IT will not happen. Let it be, and it may happen (the way you want it or wish for it to happen).

Good work on the question to the guy- now work on patience and other things… Write more here, if you’d like.

anita

September 11, 2015 at 9:46 am #83171

rookie
Participant

Dear Anita

Thanks for your words

And yes that is something that I’m not that good at,but here is the perfect opportunity to practice it. This whole situation made me realize other things as well for example at a point after I sent the text I started to tell myself that I wasn’t that interested in knowing him better anyways (obviously a lie,I was just trying to defend myself against the prospect of rejection). At least I realized it and told myself the truth, that there was no problem in telling him how I feel, if I would face a rejection, well, at least I would have known that the problem wasn’t lack of communication.
I just feel that the more I learn, the more I feel like there’s even more to learn. About the other things I guess I should do another post in another area of the forum for that, but I don’t even know how or where to start

Once again thanks for listening (in this case reading)

Rookie

September 11, 2015 at 10:15 am #83174

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rookie:

Your insight and honesty made me go WOW. Wow, indeed, is my reaction. And this is how I know you are IN the process of evolving, as I term it: the more you learn, the more there is more to learn. This is how I know you are indeed learning, that you are indeed seeing things as they are: it is when we do see things as they are, that we see more and more. It is delusion that stops us in our tracks, makes us stuck, stuck in the delusion. WHen you feel there is more to learn, it means that what you just learned is correct.

My appreciation and respect to you, Rookie. Practice patience and learn. Whenever you feel a difficulty, almost every time you feel distress, it means it is an opportunity (your word, my word) to learn something, to SEE more of what is and what has been here all along.

Will look forward to more posts here (no rule against keep any post going, some go on for months!) or elsewhere.

anita

September 11, 2015 at 3:15 pm #83185

Jane
Participant

Dear Rookie,

I really like your approach, you are very brave and it was the right thing to do. However, I don’t understand that he wants to spend time with you, so that he can work out whether he wants to spend time with you. It seems confusing and a bit wishy washy on his part and the outcome is still not for him to make a decision. It may be wise to date others, and see if he ‘reaches” to you. I wouldn’t like you to commit yourself without him committing. Life is short. There is a lot of options out there, be kind to yourself. xx

September 11, 2015 at 8:31 pm #83186

rookie
Participant

Dear Anita and Janeames,

Anita thanks for your words,i’m trying to practice and learn as most as I can with the situations as they happen, but you are right, I do need to learn to be more patient.

Janeames thanks for your words as well, and to be honest now that you pointed that out you made me think, I haven’t seen it from that perspective, maybe he is definitely looking for something different from what I want, I’ll try to pay attention to the signals as they come and Hopefully I will see the reality of things. As to go back to dating the whole idea of dating is kinda scary to me, because these days and in my generation (i’m 23) most of it happens trough apps and online dating which I did tried but it didn’t go very well and i felt like that wasn’t for me so I stopped. since my last ex-bf (which I met through online dating) I have been pretty much focusing on work and reading a lot (books and articles from here as well) and developing myself. Actually this guy came to talk to me trough social networks and dropped me a message and that’s how we started talking. I was pleasantly surprised (even though super skeptical at the beginning) and then the rest of the story I already told you here. I don’t feel like going and try to date other people, but I guess that I should be open to meet people and stuff if the situation arises and I want it. does that seem reasonable? What do you think?

Rookie

September 12, 2015 at 7:52 am #83193

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rookie:

I hope the last question “What do you think?” is for me as well (heading on top includes me). I think patience AND being open to meet people, definitely. When I wrote PATIENCE before I did not mean passive waiting kind of patience, but patience with THIS process with this guy while you are engaged in life otherwise. There is no dating-ethical rule (online or in person) to be monogamous BEFORE both parties declare their monogamy, and both parties includes him.

anita

September 12, 2015 at 1:47 pm #83202

rookie
Participant

Dear Anita,

Yes of course the question is for you too 🙂 (I should have wrote that better) Ok I think I start to grasp what you mean with patience. If it would have been before I would probably “wait” for his decision and not be open to meet other people. I’m usually a really closed person in the sense of not telling anyone personal things even to friends (i’m starting to change that now, one of my good friends even pointed it out, still a long way to go) and then sometimes I open up to someone in a relationship and they don’t care/ go away (I’m not saying i’m perfect or that its their fault, I guess we just don’t want the same things). So I think that right now I need to figure out better what I want, and how to respect myself a little bit more by taking more time to get to know people and to actually see them and not what I want them to be (seems easier on paper than done haha, but I’m going to give my best). Can you tell me what do you think about this and give me some advice if you have any?

thank you so much you have been a huge help 🙂

rookie
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