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So, yesterday I was at a party and a guy approached me, I was nice and chatted back and I was a bit unsure about the whole situation since I really never get approached in bars randomly, in my city people just introduce friends of friends, whatever, most of the men you’ll find in bars are just men you want to avoid. But since I really hate this attitude also, of women calling shy clumsy men weirdos and being nasty, I just went by being myself and just talking to the guy as any other person. Truth is, he wasn’t shy or weird, and I thought he wasn’t entirely unattractive so I thought maybe this is okay. Eventually he told me he had seen me from the start when I arrived and that wanted to talk to me but had waited a while to approach me, he said he thought I had “nice energy”. But I think I didn’t hear this last part of the sentence and I asked again or something, and he started saying “well, yeah, I thought you were a normal girl” So I was like ok, normal?, and he says: “Yeah, normal, I think you’re cool and I mean, you’re a little ugly”.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I didn’t react fast enough and kept asking “What?” So he started apologizing saying he was drunk, and that he was very straightforward but also that didn’t mean it, that if he really thought that I was ugly he wouldn’t be talking to me.
To which I responded: Okay, that speaks even worse about you. BUT: my whole attitude was jokey, as if we were sharing some sort of dense humour stupidity. He then said, sorry, can we get to know each other better when I’m not drunk? Some beers some other time? And I just responded stuff like “Really you think you deserve it after what you said?” And what comes next is even sadder: I gave him my number. Yes. I have to admit this to someone and I KNOW how stupid this is, but truth is, to be honest, I feel kind of shallow and stupid getting angry over the fact that some stranger called me ” a little ugly”, so I’m guessing I compensate with behaving aloof when I’m obviously not. I obviously do not plan on going out with this person. And I’d like to have a good response if he calls (suggestions are welcome). Truth is recently I’ve felt pretty insecure about my physical appearance. In the last few weeks:– 1 guy I knew from college told me in a conversation in which again I WAS EXTREMELY NICE FOR THIS: “You’ve always been kinda tough, but that’s okay, you’re attractive in a non-mainstream way”
– 1 gay man told me I was pretty photogenic in a tone I could not understand.
– 3 men I liked came to me and told me they liked me, which was a nice thing to get, but they have all said exactly the same: “There’s something about you that goes beyond your physical appearance”. I have to clarify, none of these men are with me. I should be glad to be taken seriously, or to be attractive for deeper reasons. Nevertheless, I find myself feeling unappealing enough to actually be one of their girlfriends and at the same time, it pisses me off to actually want that if that’s the case, if they don’t find me “appealing enough”. One of them even told me, (the one I was truly interested in): “It’s not because you’re pretty, hell, if it were for that, there are much prettier girls out there, it’s because of who you are”
Really… how can I take this? if you read one of my posts from long ago, you can see another situation in which a friend told me he could be in love with me but I wasn’t pretty enough. Oh my… I’ve grown and I’ve only gotten softer as I acknowledge who I am, I mean, I know these things matter to me, in my teenage years I didn’t even allow myself to think about this because I knew I felt ugly. Or I used to think I just “hadn’t been truly seen”, or I thought that my attractiveness had to be somewhere else and when I grew up I wouldn’t have to feel like this. But I was tough and wouldn’t have let any of these things pass me by. Now, I have no idea why it gets to me even harder and also, I really have no any idea how to respond, what to say. I feel so sad and even embarrassed. I used to be so blunt and harsh (which is not a good thing but at least it was better than giving my number).My god. Sometimes, I think it’s rude and I’d never think of saying this to anyone!
Other times, these men seem truly honest about how they feel, so, stupid politeness is all that comes to mind. Either way: I don’t know how to respond to this.
Any thoughts?
Thank you for reading.Hi faber castell,
Sadly, men (even gay men) are culturally trained on the Back-Handed Compliment. They truly want to say they’re interested in you or like you, but they can’t just SAY it! And most of us are not in the cookie-cutter ideal of “beauty”. So they don’t want us to think we’re all that. So they say we’re “a little ugly”, “there are prettier girls” etc. When they are the judge, they put themselves on a higher level.
There are no/only a few gentlemen left. They want to be charming and have us like them. But they don’t know how. But I’ll tell you one thing! The guy that doesn’t necessarily say you’re beautiful ~ BUT!! After you spend time with him makes you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. THAT is what it is all for! When a woman is loved, she becomes beautiful. It radiates from within.
You can say to these guys: “Don’t fall in love with me.” “Where I come from this is actually considered beautiful.” “I have a boyfriend”. “Should you be calling someone ugly when you’re so, um, short/bald/a nebbish??” “Are you OK??” Laugh at him. Call your girlfriends/text them/take his photo while saying “Hashtag Nice Try!”
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