Forum Replies Created
March 22, 2015 at 2:35 am #74250
This is the Universes’ way of letting you know these losers are not for you. It is a gift really because usually it takes much longer for people to figure out who has no character or depth. Keep smiling and regarding these men as the shallow insensitive boys they obviously are. Laugh and say, Well,if that is the case, then I won’t waste your time. Then walk away…far away. No use trying to find anything positive in something so blatantly myopic and unkind. There are men who do not lack depth and someday you will find one.March 16, 2015 at 2:39 am #73969
Letting go is always the best option when dealing with those who do not contribute joy to your life.March 14, 2015 at 8:27 pm #73931
Detach from them…live on your own, and spend Very little to no time with them. You can’t change them and while they are certainly not healthy, there is nothing overt that you can charge them with. Placing boundaries means making space away from them and going on with your own life. Nothing they can do, as an adult, can hurt you. You surround yourself with happy, healthy people and limit any time you are with them. If they ask why…tell them the truth. They might get mad, but at least you have your say and can respect yourself. I know you love them but unfortunately, they aren’t treating you with love. Therefore, in the name of self preservation and happiness, feel compassion but make space.March 14, 2015 at 8:21 pm #73930
21 is when you are growing and becoming more of the authentic you. Do not, under any circumstances, let others choose your path for you. They are hurrying you towards something they feel they need, not something you need. I have no idea why anyone would get married or in a serious relationship in their twenties since that is when you need to be figuring out you. If you really look at their relationships, you are likely to see a bunch of codependent people. No one can make you happy except for you. The fact that you get this and they don’t is a reflection of your maturity and your stability.February 9, 2015 at 8:41 pm #72573
Why do you feel guilt? Why are you so depressed?February 9, 2015 at 8:38 pm #72572
He has shown you who he is, now believe him. When someone is so negative and controlling as well as duplicitous to make you doubt yourself, your character and your own beliefs, it is time to go. Nothing you wrote makes me think there is anything positive about a future with this man. Love is giving and kind, not selfish and hurtful.November 24, 2014 at 10:34 am #68324
I am sorry you are hurting. Perhaps next time only date within your own religion so that you can marry the woman. It isn’t unusual for a woman to want her lover not to go home and be arranged in marriage to someone else. She wasn’t controlling, she was wanting the usual rights of someone you were supposed to love. Nine years is a long time for a relationship to be so casual you are going home for arranged marriages and dating. That is so messed up in so many ways for the woman. It is good she moved on as you two were not healthy for one another. You can’t be half in and half out of a relationship. You chose your family and religion and that is fine but don’t blame her or feel bad towards her or call her controlling because she wanted to have a normal relationship with you where you moved forward and got married. Any woman who wants a family would do the same. Let her go. Move on to a nice Muslim girl your family will like and wish your ex the best in her new life with the man who is finally building a life with her and marriage. Her moving forward is a very good thing. Leave her alone and respect her husband. It is over. If you been able to get out from under the influence of your family and religion, you would have done so already. Stop leading her on and let her be happy. There is a Muslim woman out there for you so find her and be at peace.November 5, 2014 at 1:47 am #67357
Actually I’m pretty balanced and show few signs of youthful angst and I love metal. It speaks to something primal in me. The lyrics I choose aren’t derogatory or hateful…sometimes they are edgy and aggressive but sometimes that is what I listen to that makes me feel empowered or exercise really hard. It is all about balance and checking in with yourself to make sure the music doesn’t make you feel negative. Metal makes me feel powerful.November 5, 2014 at 1:44 am #67356
This too shall pass. This is a part of grieving for what could have been. Read this too.http://tinybuddha.com/blog/nothing-will-be-enough-if-relationship-isnt-right/October 31, 2014 at 1:37 pm #67114
A man without compassion, whom you describe as spiteful and temperamental, is not a man I would want to spend my life with. The universe just did you a huge favor in the only way that would save you from a life of. Living with a sanctimonious self righteous shamer.
You did wrong. You asked for forgiveness. You are contrite and that is all you can do. A mistake should never define us and it definitely shouldn’t be something someone who loves us is violent or degrading to you about. This wedding is off and in my humble opinion, it is a good thing. I have no doubt that you will never cheat or lie ever again in this manner.October 31, 2014 at 1:25 pm #67112
Well, you gave Jeena very good advice, Steve. Be direct. Be open hearted. He was probably hurt when you didn’t reciprocate, Jeena, so only a heartfelt approach will mend his feelings. Steve, don’t give up, you are going to find the right fit for you. I thought my right fit would never come and he did. He wasn’t hard to get either and neither was I. It was easy and has been for twenty years. We are still madly in love and he is the kindest man, full of joy.October 31, 2014 at 1:16 pm #67111
Jonathan, I couldn’t help but smile thinking of you smiling at someone else when you are feeling a little sad. That is inspiring. It means you have a sweet and kind spirit. I think expectations of where we should be in life is a joy killer. We aren’t all the same. We all don’t need to be a certain place or have certain things by a certain age. You mentioned freedom and independence and I just want to say that having your license and driving a car can give you autonomy but it can also be very isolating. With your grandmother driving you, you have time with her, which may not seem important right now, but as someone who lost her grandmother, I would give anything for one more car ride with my grandmother. People who drive feel the same as you do too. They feel sad and despondent and like they aren’t living up to potential. I always think that as long as we are living with intention to be kind and productive, giving smiles and being warm, we are succeeding. Life is short. No one says I wish I had made more money at the end of their life. They say I wish I had enjoyed the everyday little things more. You are doing just fine. You sound like a really wonderful person.October 31, 2014 at 1:06 pm #67109
Snails, that was my line of thinking also and so much better written than I could have hoped to do. Pleasure is a word of degrees and I have found that other people’s pleasure isn’t necessarily my own and people who are inundated with it do not necessarily appreciate it so it isn’t really pleasurable anymore but an expectation or entitlement. I find most pleasure in nature and basic things as you described. Thank you for sharing.October 30, 2014 at 1:59 pm #67046
Very good question on our limits for compassion.
“To love our enemy is impossible. The moment we understand our enemy, we feel compassion towards him/her, and he/she is no longer our enemy.”
Thich Nhat Hanh
Compassion isn’t about allowing or accepting bad or questionable behavior but about feeling peace and calmness as we evaluate a situation and/or a person and can determine whether or not they are who we want to journey with in this life. The two souls you were referring to made each other sick, or depressed, therefore the compassion would come with letting go of each other. Had they wanted the same things, and valued the same things and were both invested in a comparable relationship, the sickness would have been replaced with communication, trust, inter connectivity, and the desire for a future together. Relationships are like a river..too many stones and the water no longer flows, therefore the river is no longer a river.October 30, 2014 at 11:07 am #67035
Absolutely. We cannot move towards a new relationship until we repair the hurt and pain within ourselves. If you still. Feel even a modicum of resentment or hurt from your ex wife (and who wouldn’t?) then it will affect how you process relationships. Will every woman be like your ex? Is my behavior a catalyst to how others perceive me?
Steve, I think you really hit the nail on the head when you said you ned to be more complete in other areas of your life. Putting all of our focus and attention on an area where we feel we have failed is a trap. You concentrate on love relationships because you feel so dejected and broken over your divorce. That is normal. You now can see that it isn’t about getting a love interest but finding the things in life that makes you the joyful and whole man you once were. When you become healed from your resentment and pain, when you focus on the joy in your heart because of your well rounded life, women will be attracted and drawn to you for the man you are in a healthy place, not the man you are from a broken place.