Dear Tinybuddha members,

I have received wonderful support here before! I hope you have some advice for me on following, as well.

I have noticed that my family does not have a very good emotional hygiene. We get along well and from outside you would call us a happy family, yet when it comes to emotions, it can get quite draining. I have a great and successful mom, who also happens to be an anxious perfectionist with a low self-esteem and high defensive barriers. From my childhood I remember a lot of preventive questions, such as „you will not be like him/her when you grow up, will you?“, which sure turned me into the nicest shy little girl. Her restrictions extend into the present day, as whenever we go out as a family, one of us certainly gets a warning of not to touch certain topics or talk too loud, because „someone might not like it…“ She says that we can do what we want, however, everything usually still turns out her way, as she would „jokingly“ nag you until you give in. Several relatives have confirmed my opinion that you cannot win with her: she has to have the last word, always. She knows that she is not very self confident and actually searches for approval for her whole being from the family. Yet, she would not really approve our ways of going through life. I feel sorry for her, but I struggle with showing compassion, while I constantly find myself scanning the house, fearful that something insignificant she expects to be done is not done before she comes home.

So does my dad. Often I hear him saying „Otherwise, mom will get angry at me…“ I honestly think he tries to escape from my mom’s demands. He also shuts down very easily on emotional matters and for my whole life I have struggled with asking something from him, as it always seemed to somewhat disturb him. Recently I got a proof that he just cannot stand strong emotions, whatever the matter at hand. Well, I would say we are all highly sensitive and therefore not in fond of arguments and conflicts anyways. But now I find myself in a situation, where nothing even close to an argumented conversation is allowed. My dad will simply state that he will not say anything, ever, anymore, and mom will put us down with „I don’t like your tone.“

I struggle with my own anxiety issues and understand that the world is just as pink/grey as I want to see it. I have decided to be more loving and vulnerable with less fear, but find it difficult to practice in this household. I feel trapped in a little box of my mom’s boundaries she has put up for herself. And walking on eggshells inside it, as my dad cannot tolerate emotionally loaded conversations. My main question is, how do I set up my own boundaries, so that they cannot be constantly violated by my mom? And how to discuss important topics with my dad, when he only supports staying neutral at all times?

Thank you for your time! 🙂
L.