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Why do we always want what we can't have

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  • #66885
    jeena
    Participant

    WHat kind of things was she saying that indicated she was moving fast, Steve? If you don’t mind me asking?

    #66888
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jeena,

    She was talking about meeting her young kids and staying over. I had met her once and gave her a hug at the end of the date. My kids are 14 and 11, and I wouldn’t be introducing them to anyone for at least 6 months or longer. I should know this person well before my kids are introduced to them.
    When I told her that I didn’t think I was ready for dating right now, she kind of went off in an unusual way. She started saying how she was looking forward to the next time we were meeting and all the times afterward. In between saying stuff like that, she was throwing little jabs at me because I choose not to see her again. It was weird. I lost any interest in her immediately.

    #66895
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I want to say one more thing about this whole situation. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on it and I realized a few things. I had met three women in a short time period. Two of them were easy to impress and they were both really into me from the start but it never felt like it could grow from where it started. That’s where the other woman was different.

    From our time talking before we met, and starting with the first time I met her, there was an ease to being around her. It felt so comfortable spending time with her. Heck, the second date we had, I helped her put her bed together and I had a good time.
    People can say I never really knew her but she shared a lot about herself. I would get texts with photos with her and her daughter, and what they were doing. She was bringing me into her life and it felt good to be part of it. After we met, I found that she grew up in the same town as me , and I knew her brother quite well. I knew a lot about her family.

    I think I started to want things to move along quicker and I scared her off. When I think of it now, and I am not ashamed to say it, I was starting to fall in love with her. Honesty, it felt so comfortable being around her, I could have easily fallen into a relationship with her. She was the type of woman I could have felt great about coming home to everyday and that’s why it’s so difficult to not think about her.

    The other two women just didn’t have what she had.

    #66904
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I Am not saying this to disappoint or anything . But dont assume That people are perfect unless you know them for a long time . The initial stages of love are the most easiest as both partners will adjust .

    #66963
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Alok,

    Nobody’s perfect. I’m just saying there was an ease with being with that woman. I was falling for her but it didn’t work out. I never thought she was perfect. That doesn’t exist in any person.

    #66964
    Tir
    Participant

    Steve, being rejected is never easy. It is Hard. I think you have some real insight into why that may have happened. Yet, logic isn’t always apparent in other peoples feelings or why they feel a need to move forward or to stop. Sometimes it can be internal sociological responses to something she may have had in a previous relationship or something small like how you make her feel no passion. I don’t know and won’t guess as it really doesn’t matter in the long term goals you are wanting for yourself. When people tell us how they feel, we need to believe it and just move on. Your energy is better served by accepting her decision, grieving the possibilities and losses, and moving on. The sad thing is regardless of how one person feels, it never works unless both are in it with the same amount of passion and dedication. She couldn’t give you that, but there is someone who will. The mistake we all make is when we are hurt, we withdraw. Receiving and accepting love is courageous, especially after rejection. You sound so very wonderful, I would hate to see you give up and not put yourself out there for the woman who will feel equal amounts of love and respect that you will feel. Let go of the could have been woman with equanimity and compassion and focus on pulling someone who wants the same thing as you to as in the Laws of Attraction. Good luck.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Tir.
    #66967
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Tir,

    I just wanted to say something to you and everyone else. Sure, I have thought of this woman and I am moving on. Everything fades in time, and I know this from experience. I found out my ex-wife, that I was together with for almost 20 years, had been cheating on me for a year or longer. I tried to save my marriage ,and after six months or so, I finally gave up. I went through at least a year of heartache because I mourned losing her. I was in love but obviously she wasn’t.

    Now I don’t know why I felt so terrible about losing her. This might not be the most positive thing to say, but she is a lowlife and not a very good mother to our kids. I wasn’t perfect in my marriage either, but I learned from those mistakes, and I am going to not repeat them in any new relationship that I have.
    Women are attracted to me. I just haven’t found the right one ,but they keep coming into my life, so I’m not worried about.

    Sure, I felt strongly about that other woman. There were things about her that my ex or the other two women didn’t have. When you see something in someone, it takes a little time to get them out of your mind.
    The memory of her will pass. It did with my ex-wife and it will with the other woman too.

    #66996
    jeena
    Participant

    Wow! After one meeting? Yes, that’s understandable that you pulled away from her. Thank you for answering me back. One more question if you don’t mind. How long did it take you to realize you were falling for the woman you were in interested in? Or was it not until she pulled away that you realized your feelings for her?

    #66999
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jenna,
    We had chatted from about a month before we met. I saw her the first two but there was space between each time we met, because of family and time commitments. We were always talking between that.

    I would have to say some time after our second meeting that I was feeling more for her. There was something about her that I couldn’t get enough of. More she was more straightforward and stable than my ex ever was. I hate thinking about her now. It’s done and nothing will change that.

    #67038
    jeena
    Participant

    Is it fair to say that you kind of did what the woman you didn’t want did to you? What if the woman you did want showed the same interest? Do you think you would have still had the same level of interest? I guess what I’m trying to get at is if it’s really a case of wanting what you can’t have or just that feelings did not match up with the other person. Have you considered the fact that she may be playing the game of love and knows that in order to get your attention, she has too pull away and let you “chase”?

    #67043
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jenna,

    I don’t really think that is fair to say. Sure I showed interest in the woman that I told I didn’t want to be around, but I was never misleading her. She knew I didn’t want to rush and I wasn’t acting like I was gaga over her. If the other woman showed that level of interest, I don’t know what I would think. That didn’t happen so I will never know.

    I don’t think I do too well when someone comes on too strong with me. I knew it wasn’t right with the second woman. I don’t know if the first woman was playing the game of love, as you put it. She told me from the beginning that she was a very slow mover when it came to relationships. Maybe I didn’t pay close enough attention to that. Also, she came from a similar place as me with a cheating partner. Maybe she was afraid of getting hurt again?

    We were both in different places and she didn’t want a relationship with me. I’ll never know exactly what went on in her head and I won’t dwell on it either. When it comes down to it, I couldn’t help but develop feelings for her. She was something I would have loved to get to know better, but it’s done, and I am moving on from it.

    #67097
    jeena
    Participant

    Hi Steve

    Thank you for your candor. Maybe you’re right. Perhaps she was just afraid to get involved too soon. Can you help me out? I have a situation where a guy that I’m not even dating yet has been a friend for years (nonsexual) has started showing interest (flirting) in me but unintentionally I was pushing him away a few months ago because I was just not ready to deal with the whole “dating” scene. Now I am ready, so I started to show interest in him back recently by flirting with him. However, he seems to be playing it really cool. Do you think there is a chance with him now? Or did I miss that boat already in your opinion? And it’s Jeena, not Jenna by the way 🙂

    #67110
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Jeena,
    Wow, somebody asking me for advice on here. I’m just supposed to be soliciting advice from everyone lol. In my opinion, I don’t think you missed to boat yet. He was showing interest in you, right? I don’t want to be the one to give flippant advice, especially when it involves someone else’s life, but how comfortable would you feel about asking him, in a casual way, about how he feels about you? Do you have any mutual friends that you could ask that wouldn’t say anything to him?

    I’m kind of a direct approach person. It hasn’t worked really well lately but I think I was moving too fast. Maybe it would work better with someone that you have known a long time. I’d find the best way that works for you to approach it. You’ll never known unless you ask.

    I wish you the best of luck, Jeena

    #67112
    Tir
    Participant

    Well, you gave Jeena very good advice, Steve. Be direct. Be open hearted. He was probably hurt when you didn’t reciprocate, Jeena, so only a heartfelt approach will mend his feelings. Steve, don’t give up, you are going to find the right fit for you. I thought my right fit would never come and he did. He wasn’t hard to get either and neither was I. It was easy and has been for twenty years. We are still madly in love and he is the kindest man, full of joy.

    #67127
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi again everyone,

    I’m not sure where I am going with this. I’ve been going through different stages of feeling bad about relationships ending, thinking about if my past marriage has had an affect on that, and then just thinking about working on myself.

    The thing is, I’ve been trying to work on myself for over 3 years now, so when do I start to have a relationship again?
    I said I was going to stop trying online dating but I thought I would send out some messages to a few different women on there.
    It was completely different from the first time I was on there. I was totally ignored by everyone I messaged. Did I just have a good streak of luck the first time I went on there?

    I don’t know if I was more relaxed the first time or not. It was just weird having everyone brush me off. I know it would probably be best if I just didn’t bother right now, but after getting that feeling of closeness with someone again, I want to have more of that.

    I don’t know what’s the right thing to do anymore. From what I have read, and from what everyone says, I should work on myself and be with my family. I have been there for my boys since the marriage broke up. I’ve tried to work on myself, but when it come to family, I need space from certain people. There are too many “fixers” in my family. One in particular, wants to save you all the time, and tries too hard to help you. Some people here would probably envy that a bit, but it gets to be too much.

    I miss being connected to someone. I miss holding someone and knowing that you are there for each other. I started to feel that again recently, and I realized how much I missed it. I know that my time will come and that I need to be patient.
    After 3 years, how much longer though?

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 53 total)

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