Home→Forums→Relationships→Why do we always want what we can't have
- This topic has 52 replies, 13 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 9 months ago by Anonymous.
-
AuthorPosts
-
October 20, 2014 at 10:54 pm #66545AnonymousInactive
Hi everyone,
I’ve been posting here about my adventures in dating for a while now. I look at the amount of posts that are in the relationships sections, and it is the largest one on this forum. I guess I’m not the only one with issues with this area of my life. 🙂
I started dating again a few months ago. I hadn’t done it for about 3 years after my marriage ended. I was surprised at the success I immediately had with women on the dating site that I went on. I met two of them and was dating both of them to find out who I felt most compatible with. It came down to both of them deciding that they weren’t compatible with me.
One of the women, it didn’t matter, but the other woman I am finding is tough to shake my feelings for her. I didn’t want to brood and think about someone I couldn’t be with, so I started looking again. I met someone else and we hit it off quite well from the start. She is really into me, wants to spend time with me, and is very attracted to me.
Oddly enough, I feel like I have a problem with this. There was almost no chase. It felt too easy to get her to like me and this is throwing me off. What bothers me more, is that I’m still thinking about the woman I can’t be with.I cared about her and her life. She was modest, humble, strong willed, independent, caring, and intelligent. When we started to see each other, she wanted to take things slow and I obliged. Somehow, after we went out for her birthday, it changed and I lost the opportunity to get to know her anymore. It still bothers me and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because she is the type of woman I should have met a long time ago. If I had met someone like her years ago, I would probably still be married. To quote a movie, she made me want to be a better man.
So I don’t know what to do. Is it ok to still think about this woman that will never be a part of my life or am I just hurting myself for no reason?
What do I do as far as the woman that likes me? I don’t know where to go with this. She is nice but I don’t know. It’s a funny place to be.October 21, 2014 at 4:11 am #66552InkyParticipantHi Steve,
I admit on your last posts I was lurking a bit but never answered because everyone was saying what I would have said. 🙂
But you choosing between two girls and then them changing their minds reminds me of an old obscure movie. It involved a guy, and a girl, there was a murder, and they caught the killer (the guy) because ~ wait for it ~ she kept a diary. In real life this wouldn’t have been shocking, but in the movie it was. He was truly mystified. He viewed her as a bit of an object and was blown away that she had her own feelings, thoughts and will!
In your old posts it seemed (to me) that you were choosing between two options in the store. But then you go back and both brands have been discontinued! LOL! Now, I could be wrong, but that was the impression I got. Always remember that women are very powerful and are actually the same as men ~ only the plumbing and the hormones are different!
Then there’s the “I wouldn’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member” mentality. Instead of thinking, “Girl A dumped me and now Girl B wants me, but she must be really bad if she wants me, Girl A sure doesn’t!” Or, you can view her as a Gift. As in “Girl A made a mistake, but Girl B is smart and sure knows how to pick ’em!”
Lastly, view dating as fun! You don’t “Need” to get married. You can just have a good time, meet new people, and of course, Who Knows??? But don’t be attached ~ I think that’s the key to your happiness.
October 21, 2014 at 6:09 am #66556AnonymousInactiveHi Inky,
I don’t think it’s a matter of picking and choosing like in a grocery store and I have no ‘need’ to get married. I never viewed that other woman as an object because I got to know her, and I cared about her. I’m trying to move on from it because it’s hard thinking about someone who you had a good feeling about.
It kind of sounds like you are saying that I am just being superficial about this, but it comes down to more than that. Your impression of me is wrong. I’m still figuring this all out. It’s new again after 20 plus years.October 21, 2014 at 7:54 am #66565InkyParticipantYou seemed so surprised and hurt that the two women left though ~ and if I’m wrong, then one thing’s for sure ~ you take things very deeply! (Which is not always a bad thing!) Maybe online dating isn’t for you ~ try letting your friends and family know you are dating again and if they could set you up ~ I bet you would have better chances with a friend of a friend or family friend ~ not some strangers you meet online.
October 21, 2014 at 10:02 am #66580jeenaParticipantHi Steve
Are you sure that it’s because that woman is “easy” and nice toward you, is really a case of that or are you just not attracted to her? It is hard to imagine that a guy is simply turned off by the fact that she knows who she wants and goes for it. This is probably the reason why women play that stupid “playing hard to get game”. I think it’s ridculous. Or am I just missing something entirely??October 21, 2014 at 4:35 pm #66614AnonymousInactiveInky,
I’m not surprised by anything anymore. I will agree with one thing you said. I have to take things more in stride. It’s still unusual getting back into the whole dating thing. I’ve been hanging out with my two boys more than any women.
Everyone my friends and family knows is married or in very long term relationships, so that takes that out of the equation.Jeena, I should have cleared something else up about this woman too. She is telling me a lot of things that I’m not ready to hear yet, and is kind of talking about things that should be down the road. I don’t want to move too fast with anyone. As far as the other woman I liked, I know I have to stop thinking about her.
I liked so many things about her and I think that gave me a guide to certain qualities I want to have in a potential partner. Doesn’t everyone want to have a clear idea of the type of person they want to be with ?
The first time, I chose poorly when it came to a mate. It gave me two of the best kids you could ever get, but I wasted a lot of years on a person who wasn’t right for me. I don’t want to do that again.October 22, 2014 at 8:29 pm #66666AnonymousInactiveI’ve decided to not date anyone at the moment. I don’t feel any of the excitement that I felt with the other woman. Maybe I have to not think about it and try to find a different method of meeting women than online dating.
October 24, 2014 at 7:18 am #66733KatieParticipantHi Steve,
First off, I am really sorry if anything I am about to say sounds harsh. I’ve been reading your different threads and have commented some here and there, and feel you’ve gotten a lot of great advice. I also think you sound like a really great guy. Truly!!
I think you need to lighten up about this whole thing. Just enjoy yourself, your family, your friends, your life. From what you’ve described of the relationship you had with the woman you can’t shake – you didn’t really KNOW her. You knew some, and filled in the blanks of all the rest, probably with qualities you WANT. People are their most charming selves in the beginning! Especially when they’re kind of aloof. So yea, it’s easy to see how she kind of became your ideal woman, and how you would wonder and wish that you had met her sooner. I’m sorry your ex-wife did not deserve a good man like yourself. As I said already, I think you sound like a catch…loyal, expressive, caring – you are bound to find someone (or be found by someone) who IS deserving of you. Probably when you’re not looking or least expect it.
Good luck Steve, keep us posted. 🙂
October 24, 2014 at 3:50 pm #66747AnonymousInactiveHey Katie,
I’ve just decided to not bother with dating right now. I enjoyed being with that first woman, and it was exciting for the first while. You might be right about me lightening up a bit. I have been struggling so much with different areas of my life since my marriage ended, that it is tough to do that sometimes, and it was just nice for something to be happening on the women front.I think I’m just going to work on getting myself to a better place overall and not think of someone filling a part for me.
October 25, 2014 at 7:46 pm #66774Big blueParticipantHi Steve,
Sounds good.
Big blue
October 25, 2014 at 9:32 pm #66776AnonymousInactiveHey Big Blue ,
I made the right decision for now. The minute I told that woman that I didn’t want to date someone right now, She got very mad about it and sent me messages that questioned why I was doing it, why I was talked to her for a week before I did it, and when I apologized because I just didn’t want to right now, I was told that didn’t make her feel any better and it wasn’t good enough.
Finally, I just let her know that I still thought of someone else and I didn’t want to date a woman with another one on my mind. Then she questioned why I talked to her when I wasn’t over the other woman. Once I explained that, she finally quit texting.
I talked to this woman for a little over 3 weeks or so. My instincts were right to break this off.October 26, 2014 at 11:29 am #66819AnonymousInactive1) Atleast a big majority of women(And Men) fake themselves . They Try to show That They are nice , modest , They fake interest in You when sometimes they may not be that attracted , or they may appear all nice and fluffy till your marriage starts and after a few Years , Everythig goes down the drain And You ask ” What went wrong ? ” Well . Everything went wrong . Maybe she wasnt the person You thought she was from the beginning itself . Maybe that’s why the girl You say You like left . You say you had a nice relationship …. And everything went right …. so then why did she Leave ? Well ask yourself . Maybe she is not that uprighteous . Maybe she wanted the bad boy type Or she wasnt really ven attracted to You … she just hid it . Why do you think she falls into the perfect “princess” image ? Ok . Lets suppose she was not perfect (Well no one is ) but Your relationship was perfect . Why didnt she call You atleast once When You sort of lost contact ? ? She could have atleast maintained friendship with You , couldnt she ?
Ok . Not all girls are like this . But some are .2.) The second question You have to ask is not “Why do we always want what we cant have ” BUT ” Why cant we have what we always want ?” Well , that’s life . If Everyone Gets what They want , Hey then Eveyone would have been happy … right ?
So Thats why dont try to find the perfect person . Accept little imperfections .
No one is perfect in the worlds eyes , but even though You cant find a person who is fully perfect in your eyes , you will get someone who is atleast some percent perfect .
October 26, 2014 at 5:50 pm #66841AnonymousInactiveHi Alok,
I had to read your post a few times to get the jest of it. I’m fine with the first woman I liked not wanting to be with me. Yes, I did like her a lot, but what am I going to do if she doesn’t like me? You can’t force someone to like you if they don’t. I found that most women don’t want to be friends after a relationship doesn’t work. I actually never said I had a perfect relationship with her. I was hopefully of building a relationship with her though.
She didn’t want to be with me and we must have not been compatible enough because we aren’t in contact now. I don’t even think I would have wanted to be just friends with her, because it would have been frustrating being around someone you always want to be more with. She just had a lot of qualities that appeal to me in a woman, and I will be keeping them in mind, when I decide to pursue another relationship. I’m not looking for perfection, because I know that doesn’t exist, but I do want to find someone with qualities that appeal to me, and that I feel comfortable with.
I’ve learned something for any future relationships I will have. I’m not going to rush anything about them. I’m not going to worry if the other person is interested in me or not, and I am going to let it bring me down if it doesn’t work it.
About the woman I just told that I didn’t want to date. She messaged me again today and went off on me saying that I faked interest in her, and that I was chicken for not wanting to meet her again.
That’s a pile of bull. I was interested in her at first, and I wasn’t afraid of meeting her again. It’s funny because the first time we met, I was totally at ease because I wasn’t going to stress about it, and she was nervous. The only person I was lying to was myself because I still felt too much for the first woman I dated.
Listening to her tirades, over a guy she had started talking to about 3 weeks before, made me realize that I made a good choice about not dating her.The only thing that I wish I would have done was say something sooner to her. I have never been put in this situation before, and I was trying to figure out the best way to approach it, without hurting anyone’s feelings.
October 26, 2014 at 5:54 pm #66842AnonymousInactiveI should have said that I am NOT going to let it bring me down if it doesn’t work out in a relationship
October 26, 2014 at 11:38 pm #66858lil.lilyParticipantHI Steve,
Just saw that post, we always want what we can’t have
“Desire is Desire, the sun cannot bleach it or the wash tide away”
Thats what makes us humans, the dire need for volition
I think its interesting, because I always feel that way.. I fall in love and feel broken. and the highs and lows.
-
AuthorPosts