February 8, 2015 at 2:56 pm #72504AnonymousInactive
On a 6-month work trip in September 2014, I met a guy. I am 26, he is 29. Upon meeting he was annoyingly outspoken. Within minutes of meeting he told me about his accomplishments as a pilot, asked if the guy standing near was my husband (he was not!), offered me career advice and said I should take his number in case I’d missed anything during our conversation. I was instantly turned off by his pompous demeanor, and felt quite uncomfortable as I am the opposite of outspoken. As I took the number and thanked him I remembered thinking, “I will never call you.”
Although he seemed to be outspoken and self-absorbed, I was transitioning into a new career field and making a contact wouldn’t be a bad idea. I messaged him my information, he accepted and that was that. I didn’t hear from him for a few days and one afternoon he texted and said he had a lot of great work material to share with me, he seemed much more genuine. I don’t remember communicating much more but I do remember us agreeing to go on our first date (a beautiful hike in the mountains). On our first date, he was such a gentleman, charming, warm, just great to be with. I remember falling and injuring my knee, I was bleeding and pretty freaked out, he got down on his knee, cleaned my wound, and I felt protected and cared for. We reached the top and meditated, talked in-depth about various things, serious things, he said he had been divorced for a year and said he divorced his ex-wife for cheating and they had no contact. I felt compassion and of course believed the things he shared with me.
The date ended and from then on, we were inseperable. Every opportunity we had to be together, outside of our demanding jobs, we spent together. He soon, with flowers in hand, and sincerity in his voice asked me if I would be with him, be his girlfriend. I could tell he was really anxious, nervous and he actually shared this with me. I agreed but with apprehension because I thought it was too soon. I knew I liked several things about him, I knew we shared a strong attraction but I also remembered past failed relationships.
Nevertheless, I was happy with the decision until he began to be controlling, possessive, often irritable and on edge, angry, he drank often,took a lot of OTC drugs and prescription meds daily and became less and less nurturing, caring, and even friendly. He began to have conversations in secret (in the bathroom) while I was in his apartment and often said he was supporting his sister who was having a rough pregnancy and who was private and didn’t want him to share her personal issues with anyone. This continued. I confronted him one evening, I knocked on the door to ask if everything was okay, he became furious, he throw me out of his home, along with my belongings down the stairs and locked the door. He would often yell at me for walking in and out of the house or not locking the door, or “hanging around” the apt complex. He would always sound apologetic but I don’t remember any apologies. I would somehow always be the reason he became so angry. He said I had no respect, I didn’t know how to behave and there was no way I could ever meet his family if I kept this up.
Many nights I questioned my upbringing, my behavior. I convinced myself that these bad habits must have developed in recent years. I had never been told such things about myself but it must’ve been true because it was a constant issue. The distance grew between us as the arguments became more frequent and the insults more harsh and personal. We never went on many dates because he said it was a small town and we didn’t want to run into anyone from the office. We worked long hours and were usually exhausted by the days end so I never made a huge fuss. He began going out with friends more frequently, still drinking, texting women, became cold, ignoring all attempts I made to be close and communicate. I was no longer a priority and boy did he give me reasons why not. He said he I didn’t dress the way he liked, I was often late (though we never went on dates so I guess I was late to the latest episode of SNL). Often times I would bring work with me from the office to complete before heading to his place, I explained this but he did not care why I was late and would often call me a liar, he wanted me there when he got home he said.
All in all, things continued this way for months. I took a trip home to visit family and while I was away we grew closer and during this time he was told he had to leave the country for work this March. I returned from my trip and he asked me to stay with him for a while upon his leaving for the trip out of the country. Of course this was a no brainer, this would the last few weeks we would have together for a very long time. I moved a few of my things in his home and the next few days would leave me where I find myself now, in a dark, confusing place. On the counter tops, desk, were receipts for expensive dinners, coffee trips, to local exhibits, some local, some out of town and all FOR TWO! I was so shocked and really upset. I confronted him once or twice and he always said the trips were in a group setting and he just paid for whomever. This pissed me off even more to think that he could invest in these outings and people or person and he would never invest in me this way. I was often told that I could afford to and should pay for my own lunch, dinner etc.
After these findings, while cleaning his home, I found divorce documents from two separate marraiges. He divorced a women (whom he never told me about) in 2014 and re-married in March 2014 and those documents had recently been filed! This December! His divorce had not been finalized and seemed to be even prolonged. He had not been divorced, the apt was in both of their names and everything suddenly made sense. The erratic behavior, secret communication, the lack of care for me any longer and the paranoia.
I love this guy and I am unsure what steps to take next…I have no idea if I was used as a coping mechanism or if he actually cared. He is still legally married and has not shared this with me! How can I continue a relationship with him? Is it morally right? Why do I want to be with him when he treats me so poorly and is a compulsive liar it seems. Should I confront him? Should I walk away? Please shed some light…!!!!February 8, 2015 at 3:06 pm #72505AnonymousInactive
To clarify, both women filed for divorce, he did not. The first marriage lasted 2 years and ended JAN 14′, he re-married MAR 14′ and the current divorce wasn’t filed until DEC 14′. He and I met SEPT 14′.
Just today, he said I am the love of his life…am I a complete idiot or is he just really cunningFebruary 8, 2015 at 4:52 pm #72508YueParticipant
I often find that the best way to find if someone is lying is to compare what they say with what they do. If the two things are inconsistent, as you have pointed out with multiple examples, then there is a good chance he is not telling the truth especially if he will only explain when he is caught. On top of that, if you spend a lot of time with someone who constantly make you feel terrible about yourself, it will eventually deplete yourself respect to a point where you doubt every single decision that you make.
You know this.
So it’s not that he is more cunning that you but there is something within yourself that allow this mistreatment to continue ignore the mountain of evidence you brain collated against the case. Instead of spending time and energy on why he behaves this way or what can be done about it, focus on what you are going to do about the situation because you cannot change his behaviour. When you picture your ideal partner, is he the kind of person that you want? If not, then you are only wasting time and energy into something that’s not going to go the distance.February 8, 2015 at 5:06 pm #72509maggie macParticipant
Not only do his actions prove there is NO love for you, he is sick sick sick!
I hope you will get away from him as soon as possible. People who love do not treat others in that manner.
1 Corinthians 13
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails.
Love does not dishonor others or is selfseeking or easily angered… doesn’t keep a list of wrongs… ALWAYS PROTECTS
Do you feel protected?
Get out while you can. His behavior will likely escalate into violence.February 9, 2015 at 5:11 am #72534InkyParticipant
Always trust your first instinct. On your first meeting, you felt turned off by him. “When someone shows you who they really are, believe them,” the saying goes.
Also, men treat you best before the wedding (not that you would marry him LOL). You were NOT treated like a queen or even a princess, or even like a girlfriend! I wouldn’t treat a stranger that way! The next time someone puts you down, makes you second guess yourself or makes you feel bad, get OUT of there!!
Lastly, OMG, still married. What a creep. Leave and don’t even say goodbye. Block his numbers. Delete him from social media. Snub him in public. Call the cops when he stops by. Contact his wife LOL.
Shake the Dust from your Shoes,February 9, 2015 at 9:51 am #72539Ashley ArcelParticipant
Once upon a time, I met a man I quickly developed feelings for. He was tall, handsome, witty, capable and fun to be around. We began a relationship and it quickly blossomed. We spent all of our free time together and things got heated pretty quickly. About four months after we met (we kept our horses at the same barn) I heard a friend of his mentioning his wife and….wait for it….child. I was within earshot and, although he abruptly switched topics, he knew I had heard the conversation. Later, I confronted him about it and he said that he hadn’t told me because he cared about me and didn’t want to scare me off…etc.etc. and that it was no big deal because they were in the process of getting divorced. Their baby was five months old at this point (which obviously means we had gotten together immediately after its birth) and both the wife and child were across the country. I was horrified but, since I liked him, I continued the relationship with him, trusting that what he was telling me was true and that all would be well.
I was wrong. I spent about a year with him and over the course of that year, he slept with numerous other women (his wife included), he lied in ways I didn’t realize were humanly possible, he raged at me for asking questions, and he effectively banged my heart up and made it really difficult to have a normal relationship for several years after that. I stayed with him because he told me what I wanted to hear — that he loved me and that I was “the one” (for what it’s worth, he got back together with his wife and had two more children with her) and that things would work out between us if I could only be patient. Because I was young and ill-equipped and struck dumb by the absurdity of the situation, I stayed and I waited and I put myself entirely on the back burner in order to make an impossible relationship work. I blew off my family and my friends. I treated myself and my life terribly and, in the end, all the pain was redoubled because I hadn’t just walked away when I first heard about that wife and that baby girl. If I have one major regret in life…it is that relationship.
So…here’s my advice to you. Run away and do it now. I know that you have feelings for this man but there is no good that can come of this. Relationships (the good ones) are built on honor, integrity, trust and mutual respect. Not only has this man shown you none of these things but I doubt whether he is actually capable of showing ANYONE these things. The fact that two other women have divorced him is evidence enough of this. In deference to yourself, your self-respect and the state of your heart, hit the road and do it fast. You’ll look back later and be grateful.
Also, please reach out to me if you want to talk about these things. I know where you’re at and I know how difficult it is. You have my thoughts and my support as well as my staunch urging…leave. Now.
AshleyFebruary 9, 2015 at 8:38 pm #72572TirParticipant
He has shown you who he is, now believe him. When someone is so negative and controlling as well as duplicitous to make you doubt yourself, your character and your own beliefs, it is time to go. Nothing you wrote makes me think there is anything positive about a future with this man. Love is giving and kind, not selfish and hurtful.February 10, 2015 at 10:46 am #72584DanielleParticipant
I wish I had some insightful quote to make you recognize how much more you deserve than this guy, but you don’t. I know exactly what it’s like being in a toxic relationship, and when you’re in it, god is hard to see things clearly.
The best advice I could offer is to consider what you would tell your best friend if she were dealing with a situation identical to yours. Often we give the best advice, to everyone but ourselves. Think of someone you love (NOT HIM) and consider them being in your shoes, and seeking your opinion on the matter. Would you tell them to stick around? Or would you tell them how much they are worth, how this man’s actions are making them feel and they should use the next opportunity to get out ASAP?
You seem bright and witty, and I’m sure you would advise someone you love the latter. Provide that same love to yourself! You know you deserve more from a relationship. The people we surround ourselves with are supposed to make us happy, and challenge us to grow and become a better person, not break us down and make us consider if we are worth their time.
He sounds like a hurt man who never fully digested any of the problems life may have thrown at him. That’s sad for him. But someone who truly loved you wouldn’t bring you down into that empty hole with them. I just hope that you haven’t begun to believe the things he’s told you.
I wish you the best, girl.