Forum Replies Created
June 10, 2015 at 12:18 pm #78005
you guys are so great, and i cannot put into the words the gratitude i feel. i feel like i just sat down with someone who has known me for years and helped me over this hump i was ALMOST over.. but not quite. i have screen shot the responses, and whenever i feel a bit looney, i will refer to them. thank you thank you so much.
i have begun a different outlook today. i heeded anitas advice and approached him a bit more tenderly, and opened myself up – explaining i am afraid to love him because of the same reason he was afraid to love me when we were friends. i let him into everything i felt, and his response was astounding, and really reassured me that i was on the right path. another issue i failed to mention in my initial post is that he has been working in another state for the past three months, leaving me alone with all these thoughts and no opportunity for reminders that our confusing past is just that, in the past.
thank you all so much. i am so grateful i took the time to write here and i got the responses from the people i did. it might seem a bit dramatic saying so, but i credit y’all for saving my relationship.June 9, 2015 at 2:26 pm #77953
The thing is, he used to be very inconsistent with what he did/said, but once he decided to wholeheartedly put himself into a relationship with me, it’s been nothing but consistency with what he says. He is kind in ways that definitely take me out of my comfort zone (I love you’s very often, very affectionate) and I find myself struggling to keep up.. not because I don’t want to, but because I’m scared to. I feel uncomfortable initiating an ‘i love you’… and that is incredibly silly because i do feel it.
I am not sure that the inconsistency before he was my boyfriend leaves me anxious to fully open up or if as Anita possibly suggested, it’s something deeper. it could be a number of things, but what I really want to know is tips on how to fix it. I love bettering myself, and i am willing to do the work to get there. and i certainly don’t want this man who have done a complete 180 to be with me to be let down by another girl who can’t get it together. he has inspired me to be better (though never once asked me to) but ultimately, i want to be happy with myself every day.June 9, 2015 at 2:19 pm #77952
Thanks Anita, I do find myself very skilled in communicating. He does take a lot of things personally (I honestly can’t blame him) but I do make it a point to say “I feel this way” rather than “it’s your fault I feel this way” (and the like) Everyone could use improvement, but I certainly don’t want to break him down to build myself up.
This entire thing is a learning experience, and it’s a challenge I’m not yet willing to give up on. The point you made about me feeling safe with the instability really struck me… I never looked at it that way before, but it makes complete sense. I need to dig deeper in myself to see why I am so worried about letting him in completely. And I think if I left him, and found another guy, I would probably do this with him in some way too. So the best thing here is to realize i have a good thing and figure out why i’m scared of loving him back without being on a rollercoaster. Thank youuuuuu!!June 9, 2015 at 9:19 am #77930
thank you for reading my mind. everything you said was incredibly accurate. i think i somewhat liked the instability because it was an excuse to give myself fully. and now, here i am with this stable man who constantly addresses why i feel the way i do, and i feel even more unstable in my head.
in the process of growing and using this relationship as a tool to better myself, how do you suggest i not hurt him in the process? i want to forgive for what has happened, and realize that he was also learning and growing, but instead i cling to it as if he was purposely hurting me. (which i know he wasn’t!)
i suppose once i look inside and see what i’m actually scared of, i can begin healing, right? i know i’m scared, but i haven’t really narrowed down of what.
thank you thank you a million times.February 12, 2015 at 9:35 am #72682
Thank you for all your responses!
Moongal – I hear ya. It’s hard work. Understanding and communication is definitely two of the keys in conquering the disappointment associated with expectations though. Overall, i do think that my expectations are fairly realistic, though I think I could work on the communicating factor a bit. I spoke with him last night and expressed a lot of the disappointments, and it was truly eye opening, as he had no idea. I think what you’re doing with your boyfriend sounds perfect, but my personal suggestion is to not put your life on hold for him either, no matter how much you want to see him.
Adam – I think you hit the nail on the head, and it’s exactly what I needed to hear. It’s just about getting to that point and slowing my mind down to fully embrace every moment rather than think of the could haves and should haves and what will bes. It’s definitely a task but hopefully it eventually becomes second nature.
Sam – that is an interesting concept, and I appreciate your response. I don’t know that I am looking for perfection, I’ve always found myself to love people’s imperfections. I like who my boyfriend is, and I feel as though this expectation thing is solely my own. I never intended my post to be solely directed towards my boyfriend, it was just what was bothering me at that very moment. I struggle with expecting many things outside of my relationship.February 10, 2015 at 10:46 am #72584
I wish I had some insightful quote to make you recognize how much more you deserve than this guy, but you don’t. I know exactly what it’s like being in a toxic relationship, and when you’re in it, god is hard to see things clearly.
The best advice I could offer is to consider what you would tell your best friend if she were dealing with a situation identical to yours. Often we give the best advice, to everyone but ourselves. Think of someone you love (NOT HIM) and consider them being in your shoes, and seeking your opinion on the matter. Would you tell them to stick around? Or would you tell them how much they are worth, how this man’s actions are making them feel and they should use the next opportunity to get out ASAP?
You seem bright and witty, and I’m sure you would advise someone you love the latter. Provide that same love to yourself! You know you deserve more from a relationship. The people we surround ourselves with are supposed to make us happy, and challenge us to grow and become a better person, not break us down and make us consider if we are worth their time.
He sounds like a hurt man who never fully digested any of the problems life may have thrown at him. That’s sad for him. But someone who truly loved you wouldn’t bring you down into that empty hole with them. I just hope that you haven’t begun to believe the things he’s told you.
I wish you the best, girl.August 9, 2014 at 6:56 am #62927
Thank you all 🙂August 7, 2014 at 12:13 pm #62835
Thank you all for your kind and uplifting words. I feel like this is exactly what I needed to read in this difficult time.
Jasmine, yes. I do love him. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that not everything is. I can see myself spending my life with him, and though the most challenging, it has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I can be a ding dong when it comes to men, but my gut tells me this one is good. I have learned a lot from him, bettered myself and the way I handle things, and allowed myself to be vulnerable when I have never done that before. He makes me laugh daily, and the fights we have gotten into, even the big ones, we always work through, usually laughing at our ridiculousness.
I think my largest issue is that I have expectations set, and on top of that, they’re extremely high. For myself, for my life, for those in my life. Perhaps I set unattainable goals in effort to keep myself safe? Or not get disappointed? I’m not sure, but all of your comments left me thinking. And I’m extremely grateful.August 7, 2014 at 11:45 am #62834
I’m so sorry for all you’ve dealt with. I’m struggling recently lately with the thought of “what do i do to deserve this?” so, I somewhat understand that mindset.
I can’t answer if it will ever end, but I can assure you that you have complete control of that. Why ruin your future because of your past? You’re happy with your new boyfriend – and of course, when you’re happy, there’s more of a possibility you can get sad again. Maybe he will hurt you, but, hey, maybe he won’t?
Sounds like with everything you’ve been through, you can handle anything. Why not look at yourself as a warrior rather than a victim? People can be terrible, but that doesn’t have to make you a miserable as them. You seem to see the beauty in the world. Use that. And who is to tell you that you can’t follow your passion and study science? Don’t let the rules on your disorder restrict what you can and cannot do anymore that it may do that’s out of your control.
I hope everything works out for you. Try to keep seeing the beauty even when it’s hard to.August 6, 2014 at 8:05 am #62746
and Matt, you’re right. I need to spend more “me” time for sure.August 6, 2014 at 8:04 am #62745
It’s a number of things, really. I do want to let go of things and I get in my own way- causing myself to fall deeper and deeper into my rut.
My boyfriend, whom I love very dearly, hurt me (unintentionally) numerous times in the past due to his own selfish behavior. He has explained that he never really cared for anyone but himself before, leading him to act selfishly and that he hoped I would give him the opportunity to prove he will change. He is emotionally reserved, to the point where he tells me he loves me but fights it because he doesn’t deserve my love. I reassure him, time and time again, but it does become disheartening. I believe fully that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people have a hard time opening up. But as much as I try to remember not to take his own problems personally, I have days where I feel like I failed him- even though his friends for years have told me they’ve never seen him so happy and open. I don’t know what my expectation is, but I know how foolish expectations are. We’ve known each other for almost 4 years, and the hurt I referenced happened early on. But it’s true I resent him for these things, and I am silently waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When I’ve tried to speak about the lies, he closes down, admittedly because he cannot stand how much he hurt me. Truth is, I know that I have to let this go in order to ever move forward happily, but I just can’t figure out how.
Additionally, I’m not where I want to be in my career, and just recently the company I worked for the past 6 years, and turned down job offers to stand by my boss, abruptly closed. My boss kindly found me a position with another venture, for which I am extremely grateful. But it comes with a hefty pay cut, causing my finances to suffer. With no notice (he took us for drinks and told us we were closing and I would be starting somewhere new the following Monday) it was difficult to accumulate a savings and cut corners where need be. I am getting by, but it hasn’t been easy. I intend to find a new job, one that will make me happier. But my boyfriend currently uses my car to/from work, as he works an hour away, which leaves it difficult to attend job interviews, or leave my position. I am helping him look for jobs closer to home, so I can’t really leave until he finds a new job. Because this is what works right now. but 80% of my unhappiness is spent dreading M-F 9-6.
Finally, this month, I surrendered my condo I purchased when I was 23, after being basically bullied by my HOA. This was a better decision, as the neighborhood was extremely dangerous (it wasn’t that way when I bought it) and I was upside down due to the housing market. It is what it is, and I am much happier in my new house with my boyfriend, in a safe and adorable neighborhood. But I can’t help but feel like a loser. Like I did something wrong, though I know I didn’t.
It really is a number of things, mostly my mindset though. Life happens and I know that. But I just need to figure out how to remember that daily, rather than dwell on the bad.
Thank you both for your kind words. and reading my story book.August 5, 2014 at 10:31 am #62698
That is my struggle, I am grasping to the idea that I should be happy and grateful rather than accepting the fact that it’s okay if I have a bad day. I yearn so much to be happy and content, I think I am making myself more unhappy. Perhaps rather than trying to see the bright side, I could start by accepting this is how it is right now, and eventually my previous positive will start to unfold again. I don’t know for sure, but I hope so.
Thanks for your response 🙂December 19, 2013 at 10:43 am #47019
It’s interesting I ran across your post, as I was coming here to seek the advice of something similar.
First though, congrats on seeing your worth and moving forward with your life. When I was 19, I got into an unhealthy relationship with a man who also cheated and manipulated me. I allowed him to make me feel less than I am, and I stayed for far too long (surprisingly 6 years as well) Eventually, I had had it, and ended it. While it was one of the best things I’ve done, I still struggle with the residual emotions and feelings of feeling not good enough, and I still have trouble trusting and letting people fully into my heart. The best advice I can offer you is what you’re already starting- healing and taking care of yourself. It took me far too long to look internally and begin to grow as a person.
You’ll get there, but don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re taking longer than you anticipated. There’s no time line as to when you’re going to be ready, but just know you will be. Remember to give people chances, even if they don’t work out, you are learning little by little and that’s important.
My post I was going to write was going to inquire on how to be on the other end of someone who was hurt like you. The man I’m seeing now can’t let go of his ex who hurt him just like yours did you (so similar it seems like he was dating the female version of your guy) He struggles back and forth with intimacy with me because he panics when he starts feeling too close or too open. He clings on to the time he had with his ex as a way to not let anyone fully in. He admits he doesn’t want to be with her, but isn’t strong to fully let go of his feelings for the past. He’s a good guy, he just doesn’t know how to let go.
Don’t be this person, girl. See what happened with your ex as the lesson it was and find someone who truly appreciates you for who you are. You don’t want to end up being closed off to someone who does love you for you just because you’re worried it’ll happen again.
Best of luck 🙂December 6, 2013 at 1:36 pm #46313
Thanks, Al 🙂November 26, 2013 at 11:08 am #45830
There is one thing I am learning from current sort of relationship, and that is to not take it personal. He seems like he has a lot of emotional problems, and really, none of those seem to be at cause of you. The difference between my sort of relationship and your actual relationship, is that my sort of boyfriend is incredibly caring, loving and all in all worth the confusion I endure with him. (you’ll find my posts on here touching on that confusion, haha)
I realize that you’re looking at things objectively and understanding that any relationship can be complicated, but in my opinion, this shouldn’t be that hard.
Potential for growth is a good thing. Again, with any relationship, there can be potential for growth. But do you feel happy right here, right now? Or are you looking at this as a business deal? Your relationship with this man is not a company that you’re starting from ground up and one day you will reap the benefits of the hard work you put into it. Sure, one day maybe it’ll be easier. Maybe because you’re not working a waitress job or because he has gotten over his ex or he found the guts to tell you he loves you. But what if one day doesn’t come? Not to sound like a bumper sticker, but you really only have “right now” as a guarantee.
So look at it that way: are you happy today? it doesn’t sound like it. Your title of the post is “my relationship is killing me” That doesn’t sound fun, or any kind of growing to me. It sounds you’re (unintentionally) allowing him to limit your own growth. Perhaps take some time and re-read what you wrote. Your answers seem to be within your own question. Life is too short to spend with someone who seemingly looks at you as a second choice. While his honesty about there being a possibility he will get back with his ex eventually may seem comforting “oh at least he’s honest”–it’s not at all fair to you. (Not to compare situations again, but the guy I am seeing is hesitant about relationships because of his ex, but has made it clear that although he’s not 100% over her, he has no desire to be with her. And his hesitation is due to how she hurt him AND a few unresolved feelings floating around, and it not being fair. But he is clear he’s working on it. Which is completely different than your boyfriend essentially telling you the only reason they aren’t together is due to distance)
You seem emotionally well rounded and like you know what you want. And it doesn’t seem to be the situation you’re currently in. I’m sure you’ll find someone who’s happy with you right now, and wants to to grow with you rather than someone who is waiting for the person you will become.