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Completely broken

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  • #62819
    Echo
    Participant

    The background story of what I’ve been through is a bit long, so I’ll try a really quick summary.

      Born with autism and a brain malformation that was crushing my cerebellum.
      Never experienced true friends, in school I was always the joke of the group, the one to gossip about.
      A legal guardian almost killed me by refusing me medical aid or adequate nutrition while I had a very severe virus, while allowing others to torment and ridicule me, for two weeks before a family member heard what was happening and came to rescue me. Otherwise I would be dead.
      I’ve lived on the streets because my parents have been very unhappy with my inability to conform to a normal life and do well in school.
      I’ve been mentally hospitalised for a suicide attempt when I was a teen.
      I’ve been kidnapped, held captive, raped and beaten, and left in unhygienic conditions for a month and a half.
      Shortly after, one of my best friends (who had been trying to ask me out for nearly a year, to which I kept saying no) raped me while I was under the influence of my sleeping medication. He then went on to spread rumours about me and destroy all of my friendships.
      I got into a relationship with a psychiatric nurse who stole drugs from work and doped me up on them, saying that I needed treatment and was developing psychosis, but not to tell any doctors because they’d lock me away again. When I left him, he faked slitting his wrists on webcam, then went on to tell me he wished he could shake the hands of the men who raped me and buy them a drink.
      My neurological condition began to manifest as chronic agonising headaches, seizures and hypersensitivity to sound so severe that I could not leave my apartment. I began to lose control of one of my hands. The condition was life-threatening. It took us years to find anyone in my country who knew about this condition who could help.
      My fiancΓ© of three years left me shortly before my brain surgery.
      Shortly after having brain surgery to fix my neurological condition, I was diagnosed with stage 2 melanoma and was on the operating table again. Thankfully they got all of it out, but I still wear a huge scar on my face.
      I began sinking into another depression as I tried to get work and tried to study my passions only to find systems that were not designed for autistic people and that I could not operate in. I’m now on permanent disability pension. I only dream of being able to work in a field where I can help relieve suffering, such as wildlife rescue or medical research. My dream is to study science but I cannot.
      All of my friends left my side, I moved city to start again.
      I found friends here that I thought were amazing, I especially bonded with one who came to be my best friend. He knowingly induced a stress seizure (while I was withdrawing from an anticonvulsant) that has caused brain damage and has no remorse over it, but has simply thrown me over his shoulder out of his life. His reasons for this are still unclear, although he’s told me that somehow I have hurt him, and I do not know how, nor will he tell me.
      I’ve attempted suicide recently, my mother found me, I’m still devastated to be alive but hearing the pain in everyone’s voice makes me feel too horrible to try again. I couldn’t hurt my loved ones like that.
      I’m listed as a high risk for my local emergency mental health response team, who come to visit and check on me regularly. I have a therapist for my post traumatic stress disorder, but of course therapy takes many years.
      And yes, I’m on a bunch of medication.

    Wow okay so that’s my life in a nutshell.

    My problem is that I have no idea how to comprehend that I’ve spent 25 years on the planet being disabled and abused constantly. I don’t go seeking trouble, quite the opposite, I’m quiet, shy, responsible, studious, gentle, and very careful about who I give my time to. I try to heal my wounds by helping others, because that gives me the closest sense of peace I’ve ever felt, but I’m at a loss on how to help myself.

    I’m in a new relationship and I really adore this man. He’s amazing. But I’ve had so many people who seem amazing before who have turned out to be very dangerous. I’ve backed away from all friends because I’m so scared of them. I am scared of humans. People keep telling me “not all people are like that”, but somehow bad things just keep happening! How can I trust someone new knowing that the others seemed so trustworthy at first too?

    I’m scared that I am becoming misanthropic. Not in a spiteful or malicious way, merely in that I’m truly terrified of humans. I don’t care much for myself at all, either, as I’ve been repeatedly treated as subhuman throughout my development years and I can’t seem to turn of that part of my brain that tells me to follow this skewed logic: I’ve been abused and ill so many times because some part of me asks for it or deserves it.

    I don’t even know what I’m saying or asking here… I’m really very lost. I meditate, I eat right, I sleep right (with flashback nightmares but still okay hours), I go out for walks in nature, I draw and write, I keep a journal, I spend time with my pets and family, I work hard with my therapist, I spend my time trying to forgive those who have wronged me and forgive myself, I engage in activism and other things I’m passionate about… but I’m still lost. Every day is pain. Every day is fear. It has been for as long as I remember (and a good chunk of my late childhood is missing from my memory, which my parents have implied is due to trauma and that I shouldn’t try to uncover it) Will this ever end?

    #62834
    Danielle
    Participant

    I’m so sorry for all you’ve dealt with. I’m struggling recently lately with the thought of “what do i do to deserve this?” so, I somewhat understand that mindset.

    I can’t answer if it will ever end, but I can assure you that you have complete control of that. Why ruin your future because of your past? You’re happy with your new boyfriend – and of course, when you’re happy, there’s more of a possibility you can get sad again. Maybe he will hurt you, but, hey, maybe he won’t?

    Sounds like with everything you’ve been through, you can handle anything. Why not look at yourself as a warrior rather than a victim? People can be terrible, but that doesn’t have to make you a miserable as them. You seem to see the beauty in the world. Use that. And who is to tell you that you can’t follow your passion and study science? Don’t let the rules on your disorder restrict what you can and cannot do anymore that it may do that’s out of your control.

    I hope everything works out for you. Try to keep seeing the beauty even when it’s hard to.

    #62847
    Matt
    Participant

    Echo,

    I’m sorry for your suffering, and know the fear and pain that we’re left with after being abused, and how hopeless we can feel. Don’t despair, dear sister, there is a way to rebuild, and once we hit a few hurdles, the path before us opens up, begins to shine, and our appreciation for blue skies helps us to let go, forgive, and be done with the past. Move on, regrow, and so on. But you’re right, the question is how? Throwing our hands up in the air is one thing, but what comes next? What do we do? A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    Forgiveness is a double edged sword, sometimes. If we forgive without understanding, without “breaking free”, often it cankers, shows up again. Its like trying to let the situation steamroll us into acceptance, and the rock rolls around the old wheel of time and flattens us again. And again. The solution, forgive them, sure, but at a distance. Its never too late to fight them off, toss them in prison, let them sort out their bullshit where they can’t do us or others more harm.

    The emotional equivalent to this is silencing the injustice, casting them off us. Once we are in a stronger place, “our place”, we can forgive the whole of it.

    Consider to be free, perhaps you could use a hand, need a boost. Try what worked for me: “They made a terrible deposit onto me, and fucked up their only job. To show me love, and help me find my way. Instead, they poked and prodded, ignored, turned away, judged, used me selfishly. What. The. Fuck. How could they? How dare they! Gone! Off me! Your tendrils don’t belong, FUCK OFF.” Envisioning them blasting off me, flying across the room, mamma bear roaring in righteous fire, protecting her sacred spaces, her garden. Punch pillows, screech, jump up and down, thrash around. Get it out, gone, be done. Give it back to momma, let the earth absorb our sorrow, pain, anger alongside us.

    Then we can move into self forgiveness. Accept that we don’t wish to be angry people, don’t wish to fight, don’t wish to hurt anyone, hold it in or hold back. Dont want to endanger ourselves in any way. Rather, we wish to be kind to ourselves, gentle, patient. Gratitude for momma bear, our goddess energy, helping us defend our space, but not wishing her to begrudge all of human kind, because there really are a lot, a lot of loving people. Lots of hearts and huggers, stumbling along like us, trying to do the right thing, have a little loving space, lend a hand, and share a laugh or cry with friends when we can.

    As we go and look for that, walk in that general direction, we grow our little inner garden. Its ours and ours alone, and no one gets invited if we don’t want them in there. If we find a trespasser, momma bear will clean that up right quick. Be as gentle as you can, but as fiery as you need to be. Get them out. Its better for them, and better for you. She has claws and teeth, and not just to smile or look pretty. Ya know?

    Practically, without metaphor, consider that when we are abused, its common to have leftover anger push us to see/think/feel “I’m weak, broken, flattened”. We can breathe alongside the anger, “not mine” their actions in our mind and heart, and let the anger go so it doesn’t canker. After we let it out, shuck their whole game, their BS, we can let it go more easily. Just not tending the thoughts, like we do in meditation. “Bah, we all have scars, and have given them. Not going to drag me down. May all living beings be happy.” For me, my past doesn’t bring me down, usually. Thoughts of my abuse, and abusers, like “yeah, I remember that one time way back when I stubbed my toe. Feet feel fine today, and are more sensitive, so why dwell?”

    As far as the fear of our anger, consider that anger is a natural result of the injustice. Its already there, inspired, paused, waiting to be released. It like they squeezed you, and created heat, like physics. Its not yours, you don’t have to carry it. Give it back to them, its theirs. Its even better if we don’t even bother trying to speak or write or explain to them. Buddha said this is like trying to throw an ember, but we really only burn our own hand. Just in our heart, be free of it.

    As the anger is released, the injustice heals in our heart, then we can shrug and accept that healthy people don’t do that kind of garbage… so “may they learn their lessons and be free of whatever pain surrounds their life too.” But not at our expense, let the earth figure out what to do with them. For us, we get to grow that tender garden, and it remains rich with strength and appreciation for a loving heart. Offered hugs mean a lot, and given hugs are genuine.

    Finally, (and whew, *hugs*) consider finding a community. There are support groups, yoga classes, gardening clubs… all sorts of places where good hearted people get together. Consider exploring one, two, or more, and diving in. We don’t have to tell anyone our life story to be known, seen, but feel free to share, listen, or just be present with curiosity and do what feels right. Like eating at a buffet, little nibbles, and if momma bear starts growling, take a step back, “hmmm, what’s up with this?” Grace feels light, love is warm, and when we have platonic friendships, they should glow, not feel heavy. πŸ™‚

    Namaste, dear sister, may your inner smile deepen, widen.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62857
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Danielle and Matt πŸ™‚

    Hi Echo @gammatrees

    Thanks for your post.

    I had to meditate a little after reading your words as I felt conflicted initially.

    Despite the autism, ?brain damage, history of significant abuse and trauma and seizures, you come across as a highly intelligent person. If I was to put myself in your situation, I would have probably broken down many years ago and be in as an involuntary patient in a psychiatric institution somewhere. You have done really well !!!! Hearty Congrats πŸ™‚

    I think there is nothing in this world, which can break you now. So have no fear. Keep enjoying a happy existence with your BF.

    Yes, some people can be very nasty in this world but we often do not know the full story as to why such things happen. I think life is a lot deeper than what it appears to be on the surface.

    I have learnt that when life keeps winning at throwing curve balls at us one after the other, there is a huge lesson to be learnt. Until we learn the lesson, the curve balls wont stop coming and often they increase in frequency as we continue to move away from the path. I am not sure as to what you need to learn but you can do some introspection and try to figure it out. There is a pattern to these events and that might give you a clue for where the change needs to occur. You need to be honest with yourself. Many times, we tell the world a different story so as to protect ourselves but then that takes us away from the path even more.

    My teacher tells me that when we wish to lessen our suffering, we should start doing selfless service. Any selfless service will do but the most rewarding service is to feed or look after small children (orphaned, homeless, poverty stricken etc) or homeless animals. This activity generates a huge amount of positive karma and has a potential to turn things around quickly. Could you look into doing something like this ? Go and volunteer at the Salvos or some orphanage and give loads of love to these kids. You can volunteer at an animal shelter and care for the animals there.

    And consider the suggestions made by Matt about becoming a part of local community, which attracts kinder people.

    Give yourself and your BF a big hug.

    Jasmine

    #62904
    BenzRabbit
    Participant

    Hi Echo,

    It broke my heart reading your post !

    You have gone through more than any human should have to and as Jasmine said above you have done very well just to have made it through those terrible experiences !!

    Let me begin by saying that today is a new day – I pray all the negative experiences from your past will be left behind and you start a new life filled with hope. To do so, you first have to put the past behind and move forward just one day at a time. Do not think about anything more than that – the answers will come as you go along.

    Here is the link to an excellent website that should help you:
    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/emotional_psychological_trauma.htm

    Also, please listen to this song called ‘The Sun is Rising’ by Britt Nicole – it helped me get through tough times. Here is the youtube link:

    GOD Bless !

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