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In a rut. And want out.

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  • This topic has 13 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by Clay.
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  • #62685
    Danielle
    Participant

    Trying to live in the present moment is hard, mostly when the present moment is actually hard. Miserable at work, struggling with money, in an happy but extremely unstable relationship with a sweet, but emotionally immature man. It’s all what I’ve put out there in the universe, right? I’d like to believe this, to take responsibility for my situation, but with this theory, I end up feeling helpless. I think positive. I am grateful to the point that I appreciate the headaches because it’s proving my strength and how much I’m capable of enduring. I do everything to find the bright side, but I feel like the hand I have been dealt for the past year or so has made the bright side so dim.

    At the risk of sounding like I feel sorry for myself, I suppose I sort of do. I know how silly that is. But I feel like unfair things keep happening, over and over. And when I think “well, that HAD to be the last crappy thing” another one sneaks in. Am I grateful for what I have, who I have and all that? Well, yes. But something needs to change, but I simply cannot figure out what.

    Change starts within, right? What if I’m trying, but it seems like everything is fighting this change? What is the message I am missing? I’m probably speaking in puzzles. I know I should meditate more. Do more yoga. Do more for me. But it seems like when I’m not doing what I have to do in order to be an adult, the only thing I WANT to do is sleep. This is all new for me and not a good new. I am in a rut, and I want out. But how do I remind myself that “this too shall pass” when “this” seems to be lingering far longer than wanted? Until about two years ago, I’ve always had this underlining comfort that no matter what, everything will turn out okay. But I’ve lost that favorite quality of myself and I want to get better, not bitter.

    #62689
    Matt
    Participant

    Danielle,

    I’m sorry for your rut, and can understand how difficult it can be to remain rooted in a happy place when the world honks its horns and lists its demands. Buddha taught that its the fixation on the experiences themselves that bring the painful quality, such as pushing away the “painful” and trying to find the “pleasant”, “Danielle going to war to have this and not that.” As we learn to laugh at the ups and downs, the moon following the sun following the moon following the sun, we naturally move toward skillfulness, toward peace. Said differently, as we learn not to go to war, not to grasp and repel, we grow an authentic, resilient inner smile.

    The story that comes to mind is of a beautiful little bird, delicate wings, colorful feathers, flying and doing its little birdie things. Maybe nibbling some grain, making a nest, and so forth. Beautiful, a wonderful little piece of nature. From a patient, appreciative space, its seen as a thread in a magnificent tapestry of life, the universe.

    Now, say that pretty little bird lands on the hood of our car. Oh, what a blessing! How beautiful it is to visit us! Then, it poops on our car. “What the heck? You ugly little monster! Fly away, shoo vermin! Why do birds keep doing that? Is there a sign somewhere that says ‘dump on Danielle?!?'” Inside, the space collapsed… smile to a frown.

    As we sit, rest with our experience of “me-bird-car-poop”, it comes as a natural idea “how do I stop birds from pooping on my car?” We can try, spend hours and hours researching, building a garage, protecting the car. Or, we can let it go. Accept that birds are beautiful, and they sometimes poop on the car, its nothing personal, part of their little birdie journey. “Clean hood” not as important as “clean Danielle”. Having a clean mind let’s us have a clean hood or a pooped on hood with the same smile. The bird, free and loved, doing its little birdie things, forgiven. Then, we can smile while we clean off the car, and don’t lose the smile from seeing the beautiful little birdie. Doesn’t collapse into “bird” and “my car” in conflict, no “vermin” feeling arising.

    Said differently, more directly, the discomfort arises from the fixation on the negative, the way the mind clings to “what is here I dislike”, rather than smiling, accepting, cleaning it up, finding inner peace again. These roadblocks the universe keeps sending you, empty, fertile, perhaps helping you detach the outside from the inside. Learning to smile genuinely during rain makes smiling during sunshine all that much sweeter. Much like you’ve said, building strength… but rather than strength to overcome external roadblocks, such as protecting the car, consider that perhaps you’re growing the strength to be content, happy, come rain or shine. Then, the endless needs, worries, responsibilities, twists and turns… don’t pull us in, grab us, force us to abandon our smile. Why let them?

    Namaste, sister, may raindrops and sunlight find Danielle smiling, blossoming.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62698
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi Matt,

    Thank you.

    That is my struggle, I am grasping to the idea that I should be happy and grateful rather than accepting the fact that it’s okay if I have a bad day. I yearn so much to be happy and content, I think I am making myself more unhappy. Perhaps rather than trying to see the bright side, I could start by accepting this is how it is right now, and eventually my previous positive will start to unfold again. I don’t know for sure, but I hope so.

    Thanks for your response 🙂

    #62713
    Matt
    Participant

    Danielle,

    Yes, that’s great, and you’re welcome! Sometimes we carry our past like a weight, such as sitting down on a road and wishing we had better days, crushed under a heavy gloom. If we can set down the past, even for a little while, goodness, today becomes that better day. We can look around, see the field for realsies, and wow! What a view! Why were we so caught up? That’s silly. Butterflies, flowers, wind across the grass, nature seeing itself through our eyes, loving itself through our heart. What a life!

    Now, how do we clean that poop off the car? 🙂 Usually self nurturing is a great place to start. As we give our mind and body tender care, we help grow the happiness we’ve been looking for. 🙂 Maybe more bath time? Meditation? Walks in nature? Soft music? Yoga? These kinds of actions give us a clear, fresh perspective to approach our life as a curious puzzle.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #62723
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Matt.

    Hi Danielle @danielledeleo

    Thanks for your heart felt query. Could you please elaborate as to why things suddenly changed approx 2 years ago ?

    There appears to be an issue with your belief system as well as your thought process about things. There is an inner conflict that I can pick up in your description but am not able to comprehend it at this stage. You want to let go of something – what is it ? Only you know the answer. What is stopping you ? What are you fearful of ? Please elborate if you are comfortable.

    Best wishes,

    Jasmine

    #62745
    Danielle
    Participant

    Hi Jasmine,

    It’s a number of things, really. I do want to let go of things and I get in my own way- causing myself to fall deeper and deeper into my rut.

    My boyfriend, whom I love very dearly, hurt me (unintentionally) numerous times in the past due to his own selfish behavior. He has explained that he never really cared for anyone but himself before, leading him to act selfishly and that he hoped I would give him the opportunity to prove he will change. He is emotionally reserved, to the point where he tells me he loves me but fights it because he doesn’t deserve my love. I reassure him, time and time again, but it does become disheartening. I believe fully that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people have a hard time opening up. But as much as I try to remember not to take his own problems personally, I have days where I feel like I failed him- even though his friends for years have told me they’ve never seen him so happy and open. I don’t know what my expectation is, but I know how foolish expectations are. We’ve known each other for almost 4 years, and the hurt I referenced happened early on. But it’s true I resent him for these things, and I am silently waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. When I’ve tried to speak about the lies, he closes down, admittedly because he cannot stand how much he hurt me. Truth is, I know that I have to let this go in order to ever move forward happily, but I just can’t figure out how.

    Additionally, I’m not where I want to be in my career, and just recently the company I worked for the past 6 years, and turned down job offers to stand by my boss, abruptly closed. My boss kindly found me a position with another venture, for which I am extremely grateful. But it comes with a hefty pay cut, causing my finances to suffer. With no notice (he took us for drinks and told us we were closing and I would be starting somewhere new the following Monday) it was difficult to accumulate a savings and cut corners where need be. I am getting by, but it hasn’t been easy. I intend to find a new job, one that will make me happier. But my boyfriend currently uses my car to/from work, as he works an hour away, which leaves it difficult to attend job interviews, or leave my position. I am helping him look for jobs closer to home, so I can’t really leave until he finds a new job. Because this is what works right now. but 80% of my unhappiness is spent dreading M-F 9-6.

    Finally, this month, I surrendered my condo I purchased when I was 23, after being basically bullied by my HOA. This was a better decision, as the neighborhood was extremely dangerous (it wasn’t that way when I bought it) and I was upside down due to the housing market. It is what it is, and I am much happier in my new house with my boyfriend, in a safe and adorable neighborhood. But I can’t help but feel like a loser. Like I did something wrong, though I know I didn’t.

    It really is a number of things, mostly my mindset though. Life happens and I know that. But I just need to figure out how to remember that daily, rather than dwell on the bad.

    Thank you both for your kind words. and reading my story book.

    #62746
    Danielle
    Participant

    and Matt, you’re right. I need to spend more “me” time for sure.

    #62748
    Clay
    Participant

    Danielle, I have learned through books I’ve read and great conversations with people that it’s all about focus and mindfulness. Our thoughts lead to our words and words lead to creation. Just the other day, I saw somebody at work and I said, “Hi, How are you?” They replied, “Not Bad” What is the focus here, “Bad” What we put out (focus on) , we get back. What we resist persists. I don’t want to argue! here, the focus is on “argue” I’ve learned myself that by watching my words and what I focus on, it has impact on what I create in my life. It’s tricky. Sometimes even when we think were being positive or honest, we are being negative and remember, we want to break the cycle. Another example I saw a post on facebook. The message was meant to be positive and make people aware, by hopefully creating change. However, I focused on the words in the post and they were words such as, Dying world, Starvation, weak, Struggle. The same message could have been put out there by using words to focus on such as, Alive, More food, Strong, Getting along. You have to be present in order to be mindful of the words you choose to focus on. Your going to do Great! :>D remember your changing all the time every second, try replacing the word change with grow.

    #62767
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Clay. I wanted to share this with Danielle and you have articulated it so well 🙂 This is the inner conflict that I was getting around to. Trying to be positive and happy chappy from outside but a completely different video is running inside with thoughts and feelings. Our thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions have such a significant effect on how we perceive our reality.

    Thanks Danielle.

    I hear you. I am sorry for the sudden job loss and change. You probably are not able to see the blessing as yet but it will come.

    Now coming back to the main issue of being stuck in the rut.

    Do you love your partner ? Do you see yourself growing old with him, having a family, being there with him in all of his ups and downs ? Be very honest in your feelings as your answer lies in this relationship. Everything else is just a distractor and keeping you away from finding your inner peace.

    Is this relationship uplifting you every day ? Are you becoming a better person since you met this individual or do you realise that despite his good and well intended feelings, he is bringing out the bad in you ?

    I am not blaming this guy for your stuck-in-the-rut feeling but your issues stem from here. If you can assist further by being openly honest with yourself, I think you stand a great chance to move forward.

    Like Matt wrote, spend more ME time and you will come up with the answer to above questions.

    And pls, have faith in yourself. You will see the blessing in your sudden job loss and change / letting go of the condo in the very near future. Things ain’t as bad as they appear to be. Your body and mind are just taking some time to adjust to this new unintended change. I believe (strongly) that everything happens perfectly for our highest good. Sometimes, we can’t see the good as our vision is blurred by other underlying issues that need our attention.

    Hang in there.

    Jasmine

    #62807
    Brytt
    Participant

    @danielledeleo,

    The mind doesn’t dwell on the bad until the bad appears. That’s what our feelings are for. They alert us when things go wrong. You sound like a really smart person, and it doesn’t sound like you’re being led astray by your feelings. Honestly, if he can’t accept your love now, what is the possibility that he will change? It sounds like you’ve done everything in your power already. To go on pretending like you’re okay inside, instead of accepting reality for what it really is will be bad for the both of you in the long run. You’ll only be prolonging the pain.

    So my advice is: Stop looking for gratitude where there is none to be found. And realize you already have the wisdom and answers you seek. If you look back at your posts, who’s back are you protecting and defending? It isn’t yours.. The thing that you have to do more of? Protecting and defending yourself. It’s self compassion.

    “This too shall pass”, only if you allow it to. The storm won’t pass if you keep following it.

    Also, the feeling that “everything will turn out okay”, is a way to comfort yourself into a dangerous situation.. it’s a naive excuse that I’ve used many times in my life as well. It’s an excuse that basically tells yourself: it’s okay not to do anything. The only time it is okay to say, everything will turn out okay, is after you’ve done all you could, in your power, to change a situation. Look at your options again. Don’t keep making the same mistakes. Do what you’re most afraid to do.

    • This reply was modified 8 years ago by Brytt.
    #62835
    Danielle
    Participant

    Thank you all for your kind and uplifting words. I feel like this is exactly what I needed to read in this difficult time.

    Jasmine, yes. I do love him. It hasn’t been easy, but I know that not everything is. I can see myself spending my life with him, and though the most challenging, it has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. I can be a ding dong when it comes to men, but my gut tells me this one is good. I have learned a lot from him, bettered myself and the way I handle things, and allowed myself to be vulnerable when I have never done that before. He makes me laugh daily, and the fights we have gotten into, even the big ones, we always work through, usually laughing at our ridiculousness.

    I think my largest issue is that I have expectations set, and on top of that, they’re extremely high. For myself, for my life, for those in my life. Perhaps I set unattainable goals in effort to keep myself safe? Or not get disappointed? I’m not sure, but all of your comments left me thinking. And I’m extremely grateful.

    #62858
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Brytt

    Hi Danielle @danielledeleo

    No worries.

    Hey, only you know what the real truth is about your situation so do what is best for you. One thing that I can observe from your current and past posts (previous threads) is that your words and feelings / thoughts are in conflict. Now, you need to figure out why your mind is playing such tricks with you and how you are going to help yourself.

    If I were you, I would read Brytt’s post very carefully again in a couple of weeks. There is a powerful message in there for you 🙂

    Best wishes and take care. You are worth it all 🙂

    Jasmine

    #62927
    Danielle
    Participant

    Thank you all 🙂

    #62931
    Clay
    Participant

    Hello, I’d like to share that I also feel a strong gratitude for this thread. So important to trust the divine intelligence within us all. Gratitude and feeling good are two essential ingredients to happiness. This thread produces both! I’d like to share that yesterday I was speaking with a friend. We were in a discussion about the word “worry” I thought how things would be if we able to replace the word “worry” with “Mindful”. For example “I have been very mindful about the lake water lately”. Just saying it that way projects a creative sense and optimism. It projects the positive. It embraces ideas and movement and creates being becoming more-growth. Worry is rooted to Fear and is the cause of immobilization and weakness. a neg vibe. This thread is certainly a positive vibe which promotes encouragement, Strength and just more and more! Grateful. enjoy a Happy Day everybody. :>)

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