9yr Relationship Ended and She is getting married!

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This topic has 8 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years ago by Moe.

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November 23, 2014 at 9:03 pm #68311

Moe
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Ok, I will try to be as short as I can but I do have to tell about 9yrs. I am Male(Muslim) 31 now, She is 33(Christian). I met this girl girl at age 23/24, When I met her, I was miserable, no friends and stress because of prev relationship and feeling lonely and down all the time. But, when I start talking to this Girl, I just felt so alive and was able to make her smile and happy. I do not know what happen but I was actually able to “woo” her. So, through out this 9yr relationship, we were like hubby and wifey. She would do anything, and take care of me like I am her hubby. And when we met I did told her I want to marry her but it is our religion, its hard. She help me lot, I mean lot to get me where I am in my career. She was always there for me. We were so in Love until last 6yr.

It all started when my parents took me back home to get arrange marriage, during that time She was devastated since we did not really break up, so I said “No” to all girls and came back. Since then, she start acting up and start controlling me and start demanding to see her because she thought I was getting distant. So again, I went back home 2nd time same reason to get married but same thing, I came back for her and then the relationship got more physical than emotional attach. It was more like just making love all the time and lots of fighting. But this time, I came back and told her that we have to let go of each other because we will not make it because of religion. So, I left for the 3rd time. This time she beg me to come back even though we already talk and she bless me to get married. And again, I came back because I can not break her heart. I always love her.

So, this year when I came back I decided not to see her, so I stop seeing her for and met her like 5 times and we made love. Since she start controlling me for last 3yrs, and almost fight all the time and always swear at me I stop seeing her. There were times when I was so scared to talk to her because I thought she would get mad at me. I did not wanted to get back to her because I was so occupy with my family, which I told her. So, this year again she keep begging me to come back. She was on sleeping pills, she was miserable and devastated because I would not talk to her. Now, I was planning to go back so I start texting her just normal talk, but nothing serious. She did told me she is moving on and wants to meet someone, so she went on a date, which I did not care much because it did not work out. So, she put her profile online to meet new people, and she met someone, she told me that as well, so I acted all OK and told her she has my blessing but we continue texting. When I was texting her I thought we were getting back together because we both start caring for each other.

Here is a Twist, a week before she met this guy online, she was feeling so miserable and down. She was missing me and dreaming about me. But she still manage to meet this guy. I wanted to meet her that week but I could not. So, we decided next week but during that week. That guy came from US to Canada and propose her and got engage. I ask her to come meet me for last time, which she did not so I got so mad and told her this is unfair. I told her this is rebound. I am the one who wants to marry her. She got so mad at me that she said, she will call COPS and start messaging my brother and told him to tell me not to message her any more.

Now, it has been like 2 week that I have not message her or call her. I miss her lot, I really do want to marry her. I love her to death. I been crying every day, even when I am sleeping I dream of her. I talk to her in my mind all day long, I cry when I am at work, I cry while I take shower, I cry while I am eating. This is so insane. I am at the point where I want to kill my self because my life is so meaningless. She gave me everything, I did everything that I would for my wife. I have nothing to give to my future wife. I have gotten few numbers but I can not see anyone beyond her, I only want to be with her. I want her to be my wife.

What should I do? How can she be so unfair that she just decide to get married that she only know him for 2/3 months? I have beg her to come back. I told her why cant you come back for once because I came back 3 time? I am so tired of thinking about her, I want her back because I can go on without her. I want to have family with her. I will seriously kill my self because I can not love my self or anyone except her. How can I get her back? Even my families knows that I am going through this and they are being affected.

November 24, 2014 at 6:49 am #68316

Lucinda
Participant

It’s too bad we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone… She is not a possession for you to “have” – we can’t “have” people, not really. We can love someone, care for them, encourage them, help in their spiritual growth. I read about all the help she provided you, but for 9 years it doesn’t sound like you did much providing for her… What about her care? What about her needs? What about her spiritual growth?

What she does with her life is her decision, and her business. Seems like you made it clear time after time after time that she was not acceptable. So this is where you are, with the results of your decisions and actions.

November 24, 2014 at 9:08 am #68318
Inky
Participant
I think the relationship was turning sour because you kept going home to meet potential fiancées, she became controlling, and one thing you haven’t thought of. She is now in her thirties and will want to have a family soon. This decade is “it” for women to have one before it gets difficult to carry a child.

Yes, I think this guy is a rebound and she is making a mistake. On the other hand, you were all, “This isn’t going to work because of religion”. Well, only you proved yourself right.

I say congratulate yourself for having such a strong relationship for so long.

I would leave a message with her family saying that you will leave the door open for her. And if she does return, marry in town hall that day and never let her go. But if she doesn’t call back or return, don’t contact her, let her go.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Inky.
November 24, 2014 at 10:34 am #68324
Tir
Participant
I am sorry you are hurting. Perhaps next time only date within your own religion so that you can marry the woman. It isn’t unusual for a woman to want her lover not to go home and be arranged in marriage to someone else. She wasn’t controlling, she was wanting the usual rights of someone you were supposed to love. Nine years is a long time for a relationship to be so casual you are going home for arranged marriages and dating. That is so messed up in so many ways for the woman. It is good she moved on as you two were not healthy for one another. You can’t be half in and half out of a relationship. You chose your family and religion and that is fine but don’t blame her or feel bad towards her or call her controlling because she wanted to have a normal relationship with you where you moved forward and got married. Any woman who wants a family would do the same. Let her go. Move on to a nice Muslim girl your family will like and wish your ex the best in her new life with the man who is finally building a life with her and marriage. Her moving forward is a very good thing. Leave her alone and respect her husband. It is over. If you been able to get out from under the influence of your family and religion, you would have done so already. Stop leading her on and let her be happy. There is a Muslim woman out there for you so find her and be at peace.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Tir.
- This reply was modified 10 years ago by Tir.
November 24, 2014 at 5:00 pm #68333

Pooch
Participant

Hello, I agree with the posters above – you just have to let her move on, and move on as well. You repeatedly left to meet women with the same religion to possibly marry the right one, and you should stick with that.

I was in a similar situation as your ex-girlfriend. I dated a guy who was of different nationality but his family were traditional and wanted him to marry someone with the same nationality. Towards the end of the 3 year relationship, the parents (specially the mom) was starting to set up/arrange for my current boyfriend then to other women (friend’s daughters, acquaintances, their doctor’s sister, etc). That really hurt my feelings, and when I was sure that my ex-boyfriend had made a decision to please his family more than to choose to be with me, I painfully broke it off. He ended up marrying a girl of the same nationality within several months after our break-up. She was their doctor’s sister.

I’m sorry you’re going through pain, but it was most probably bound to end at some point. Start to heal, live and let live.

Good luck.

November 24, 2014 at 9:10 pm #68355

Moe
Participant

Hi, Everyone for Thanks for replying. Lucida, I have done so much for her too. I treated her as my wife. In fact, I gave her everything she asked for. I never cheated on her and lie to her. I pick her from work, I took her to trips, I gave her ring, necklace, Candle Light dinner, Rose bed so we can make Love (almost like honeymoon), expensive gifts. I cared for her like no one else I would.
It has been almost 3 month with this guy and I have not contacted her for two weeks but it seems like ages I have not talk to her. There has never been a day that I have not cry for her. When I say cry, I mean crying my lungs out with screams, I think of every second, Everything reminds me of her, I can even picture what her ears looks like, I can even imagine her feet, her eyes, her hair, her fingers, I can hear her, I can smell her.
Last ex GF did kinda curse me that I will never be happy, so that what it is..And I think Every girl I meet end up getting married.
I can not look beyond her, even if a BUTT NAKED girl stand in front of me, I will not touch her because I will feel like I am cheating on her. I do not want to be with any girl beside her.
I did told her that I will marry her if she comes back when she met this guy but she said, she does not love me anymore. I will not survive long if she does not come back.
I did try to explain her that she is going into rebound relationship but she said this is her chance. I been explaining it to her that I did not let her GO GO even this year. I just wanted to rejuvenate my self and work a way out for us to be together. I did stop talking to her because we were fighting a lot but I did not confront her because she will get mad. I was avoiding all the fights so I kept ignoring when she was feeling depress.
One thing for sure, after 1st time I went back home and came back, she stop respecting as much. She would always argue and fight with me and swear at me. It was so easy for her to swear at me but I did not really say much.
Everyone Please pray for her to come back for me ASAP. I promise I will never make her cry. I promise to marry her.

November 24, 2014 at 9:20 pm #68358

Moe
Participant

And yes, I would surprise her with lot of things all the time just to make her smile. I even send her flowers when I went back home to surprise her. We were talking each and every second when I went back home even from Airport.

November 25, 2014 at 10:42 am #68386

Poppy0001
Participant

I think your girlfriend just got tired. People can only put up with so much. How do you think she felt when you kept leaving to possibly get married? Just because you ended up coming back doesn’t make it OK. You need to leave her to get on with her life. You will get over her even though you don’t think you will at the moment

November 27, 2014 at 4:17 pm #68472

Moe
Participant

Yes, I know and I admit she got tired of waiting but she should have understand, it was hard for me to make decision because of religion. When I actually find a solution and was ready to get married, she decides to let go of my hand. Each time I came back for her, she promised me that we will fight this together and we will get married. So, I kept coming back and trust me I turn down about 20 girls, who were willing to marry me. And she knows this. To me, it sound unfair and selfish act from her side, a week before she met this guy, she was so missing me, she was seeing me in her dream, she was able to smell me and wanted to talk to me no matter what. I had a expectation that if I did came back for her 3 times, she could have done at least once for me because I was ready to get marry and have family with her. This is very hard because it was 9yrs, how can a person spent 9yrs with someone and end up getting married to totally someone who she just met 3 months ago. In fact, she got engaged in just like 3 weeks after meeting this person. I am heartbroken because I feel like she just let go off my hand when I stayed with her during her thick and thin. Right now, my heart is splatter and it will never be able to put together. Yes, I understand what she must have felt each time I went back home and that is why I came back because I am not heartless and just walk away.
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