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Lucinda

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  • #72014
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Aw, I think you’re doing great, I really do. You are recognizing your parents’ voices, and that they are wrong. And you are recognizing that you need to get help, and you’re doing that through therapy. She’s right, it took several decades to make you the man you are today, it may take the rest of our life to become the man you really are. Some things you could try along the way:

    – Listen to that parental voice when it comes up – actually LISTEN to it. Don’t shove it away, or automatically poo-poo it, just listen to it. Be with that voice. Hear the words, and let them flow over you. Sometimes we think we have to AGREE with what we are hearing, but that fight-or-flight response misses the opportunity to move PAST what we are hearing. So give it space, a few seconds, to just BE.

    – After their words have passed over you (and with some practice I bet it will take fewer and fewer seconds), look at your hands. Be where your HANDS are, and continue with your task. Their words are now gone, and you are present with your task and can get on with it. If their words pop up again, try not to block them but HEAR them, WATCH them flow over you, then RELEASE them and move on.

    Their words are not the truth, and their words are not YOUR words. Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. God bless you on this journey.

    #69090
    Lucinda
    Participant

    So this might sound harsh, but why would you want to be with someone who:
    1. Does not honor who you are
    2. Does not honor your lifelong attempts at meaningful change and growth
    3. Wants you to be a different person than you are, or else he is angry

    You deserve to be with someone who accepts that you are a flawed, beautiful human being with issues. Just like him, and that your issues are your own (some are hard-wired and genetically given, some are of our own making) and that he has issues too but that one of the best parts of being in a marriage/relationship is that you can BE YOURSELF and the other person loves who you ACTUALLY ARE, not loves you for who they think you ought to be.

    #68316
    Lucinda
    Participant

    It’s too bad we don’t realize what we have until it’s gone… She is not a possession for you to “have” – we can’t “have” people, not really. We can love someone, care for them, encourage them, help in their spiritual growth. I read about all the help she provided you, but for 9 years it doesn’t sound like you did much providing for her… What about her care? What about her needs? What about her spiritual growth?

    What she does with her life is her decision, and her business. Seems like you made it clear time after time after time that she was not acceptable. So this is where you are, with the results of your decisions and actions.

    #67363
    Lucinda
    Participant

    “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” ~ Maya Angelou

    It’s one thing if fear is keeping them from showing their true selves, but it’s usually obvious when that’s the case.

    #67233
    Lucinda
    Participant

    I recently did this with my CURRENT boyfriend…here’s my experience, and although a little different maybe you can glean something helpful:

    We had broken up for three months, and have been back together for over three months). Long story short while we were apart we both did a little dabbling in online dating. For me, I signed up for ONE site, then we got back together and I disabled my account completely. I asked in a casual way if he had too, and he said something vague like, “Oh I never got even one hit off those sites.” I let it go.

    Then about a month ago I was on his computer (with his knowledge) and looking at something and for some reason his history popped up and I noticed a few sites I didn’t like (dating site, another online meetup group about polyamory). Later that night, unknown to him, I searched through his emails and further online history and saw things I didn’t want to know. Like that he had actually MET UP with that poly group a few times while apart, although not since.

    So I actually created a fake online persona and JOINED the poly group, to “catch” him, I guess…suffice to say it quickly started eating my lunch and I withdrew and became extremely depressed, sad, angry, afraid, hurt…so so hurt. I broke, I had to tell him what I had done and why. He had good explanations for his actions, having to change his password on dating sites (that’s why he had to log in), and same with that poly group. (For the record we are interested in some extreme things in our sex life, although generally fantasy not actually doing that stuff so as out of left field as that sounds it’s not exactly.)

    He deleted all his online accounts, not just disabled, deleted. With me watching. He knew I was doing it all out of fear, and I apologized. He cleaned off his side of the street by deleting accounts. I promised to never do that behavior again, and I haven’t even once.

    I think the lesson I learned is that when I’m doing something I shouldn’t, here’s the best way to approach getting it resolved:

    1. Admit my wrong doing, admit my behavior, admit my lie and mistake.
    2. Talk about the situation with the person involved, and ask for forgiveness.
    3. Ask what I could have done differently or could do in the future differently when those feelings of fear start to creep up again.
    4. DO WHAT I SAID I WOULD DO…whatever it is we decide I actually DO.

    Now if I’m feeling afraid or insecure, we talk about it. I don’t accuse, just state facts, how I’m feeling and then we work it out together.

    Hope that helps.

    #66234
    Lucinda
    Participant

    I was just talking with a friend about this type of thing the other day… When I’m not sure what’s going on, but want something different than what I fear, the best thing I’ve found to do is be direct, honest and authentic. Then, no matter what the outcome, I’ve done my part, I’ve cleaned up my side of the street, and I’m right with me.

    So for example, you could call (I think voice is better, even if you get voice mail) and say something that’s true, honest and authentic like, “I miss hearing from you, I’ve really enjoyed our time together and would like more but I want to respect where you are in your life. Give me a call, or text, to let me know how you’re doing either way please.”

    Then if she calls great, if not you will know but you will also know that you’ve been true to yourself and stated what’s in your heart.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Lucinda. Reason: added last sentence
    #64327
    Lucinda
    Participant

    I’ve been dating someone 19 1/2 years older than me for over 2 years now, and have some thoughts on why our relationship is working… I know this is a lot of personal info, but I hope you can find it helpful. This has been MY experience with a 60 year old (I’m 41). We met over 2 years ago, and I must say that he is the love of my life. Not without it’s challenges, but it’s worth it:

    1. We are on the same side of having kids. If everyone is done, or everyone wants more, it’s fine. But if one wants a kid(s) and the other doesn’t, by definition someone has to change their mind. And that’s a HUGE compromise/decision to make, and it places an enormous amount of stress on an already potentially stressful relationship.

    2. We are financially independent of each other. This was more important to him, but I get it. My SO is actually retired, and I have a job. We are in charge of our own finances; it helps him feel like I’m not with him so I can be supported.

    3. We do not have kids together, and I do not rely on him for parenting my children from previous marriage. Although he is involved somewhat, and loves my daughters (7 & 10) dearly, he is not their father and thus does not feel the stress of being a step-parent because my girls already have two able-bodied parents. We call him a “bonus parent”…

    4. We have fantastic chemistry. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom; but it does include the bedroom. This is very important because as we age sex changes. IMO it gets BETTER, but it changes. So, for example, what it takes for a 60 year old to be able to make love actually involves much much more of his BRAIN (kinda like us gals) and his mechanics are not as easily “ready for action”. For he and I, this just means that his mood greatly affects his desire, thus affecting his ability to perform. It’s not a problem, it’s just very different (for him) vs when you’re a 35 year old man who is “ready to roll” when the wind blows if you get my drift.

    5. If you are attracted to each other, and it works for you two, it will be OK. There is certainly an initial period where you two (and other people) are getting used to the age difference, but when you’re in love it really doesn’t matter. Now I dont’ even see it and I kinda forget how much older he is than I. In the beginning, I got used to it a little by some light teasing (which is one way I cope with stress). I might way, “Gosh, you graduated from high school the year before I was born.” Or whatever. After a few weeks, he asked me to stop mentioning our age difference, saying “It’s apparent to everyone we are almost 20 yrs apart. Bringing it up, even with light teasing, is kinda like pointing out how short I am. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean we have to comment on it.” And he was right. From that moment on, I just focused on the fact that I love him and love being with him.

    6. Other people may be surprised, or have a silly grin, or tease about the age diff, but it stops quickly. Since he and I are so comfortable with it, other people handle it the same. If we are relaxed and don’t make it an issues (which it isn’t), they wont either. And honestly, even if someone does, it usually stops pretty quickly. Like they get the hint that they’re just sounding petty and jealous. Which they ought to be because I’m fabulous:-) LOL.

    #61949
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Wow…I’m so sorry this pain has caused such a riff, but it does sound like you will get through it as a couple.

    For me, the most important thing is to take responsibility for MY side of the situation. So here, you TOLD him he could go… You sound like a very bright articulate woman and I’m pretty sure you know what happens at strip clubs: boobs, butts, sexy outfits, pole-dancing, and lap dances. That’s what happens at those places, so it should not have been ANY surprise to you that’s what indeed happened. It’s like trying to say, “I said you could go to the amusement park with your friends, but I didn’t think you’d actually ride any of the rides??” Sounds kinda silly when you think of it that way, don’t you think?

    The lying is problematic, but, as at least one other reply (and you yourself) mentioned, ambushing him right upon awakening was probably not the best set-up for a healthy discussion. I tend to agree with Danielle, that he probably just did a knee-jerk reaction, then regretted it; you can tell because he confessed within a few days. Personally, I don’t think you should have even asked him about the night, in a way it’s none of your business. Again you know what goes on in a strip club, and that’s where he went, so…

    Here are a few lessons I see that you could take away:

    1. Your husband asked for your input on this important event. He values your input and your opinion; if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have even bothered asking but just told you what he would be doing.

    2. Being true to yourself means being honest with your preferences. If he asks, be HONEST.

    3. When reasonable things happen at reasonable places and times, don’t be surprised.

    4. Your husband loves you, and sounds like a good man who made a mistake (in the lie). He ended up revealing it, and is working with you on the repercussions, and that’s just about as good as it gets really.

    Good luck in your new life with him – try to be present with whatever life brings you today, and no matter what, ALWAYS To Thine Own Self Be True (Shakespeare)

    4.

    #59711
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Yeah, so he was already seeing someone when he slept with you? What if that had been YOU he was “seeing” and another person he slept with?

    Best Maya Angelou quote: “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

    The FIRST TIME.

    #59255
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Regarding the order of importance of stuff in our lives, something Suze Orman (yes, the financial guru!) says is “People first, then money, then things”. I like it – it’s simply stated, and easy for me to use to decide if my life is looking how I want it to look (to me). I’ve always interpreted that as:

    1. People/relationships are the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS in my life. Above EVERYTHING ELSE.
    2. Money and how I spend/save it (not how much I earn per se) is next most important thing.
    3. Things are the least important in my life.

    I know that’s a very simplified version of how to run your life, but sometimes that’s what I need. So if I’m sacrificing a relationship with someone I love in order to have a “thing” (and life experiences/travel could be considered a “thing”) then I would need to look at that.

    We only have today with the people we love…there is NOT always tomorrow or another day, they will NOT always wait, and they ARE hurt by our actions and words. But Paris WILL be there tomorrow, getting on a plane CAN always wait, and a destination will NEVER take it personally that we didn’t show up.

    Besides, who says it wouldn’t be better to wait a few years and travel with her anyway?

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Lucinda.
    #58475
    Lucinda
    Participant

    But here’s the thing…in order for a relationship to will work and last, it needs to be a PARTNERSHIP. Regardless of if you’re married or not, a full-on truly committed relationship is a partnership.

    That means there is no more “mine” and “yours” there is just an “ours”. Everything each partner does affects the other. Financially, relationally, etc.

    It seems like what you’re fighting is to keep things separate, when that’s not really how life works. In my experience, that’s how things get complicated and fights ensure. When it’s all “ours”, money and bills, life gets simpler and it also helps the couple feel like a couple.

    #58158
    Lucinda
    Participant

    I have some experience, strength and hope to share…

    1. My sister recently had similar relationship with a disastrous outcome (physical/emotional/verbal abuse, stolen money $35k+, etc). Most alcoholics can change/hide/quit for a spell, but nothing like a year or more. Hers certainly couldn’t.

    2. I’m in recovery (alcoholic) and when it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and drinks like a fish it’s probably an alcoholic… His behavior is that of someone in the grips of addiction and without a solution to his spiritual problem (and spiritual problems need spiritual solutions btw, not more “will power” or whatever) he will go down and take you with him. He will, that’s what we do. Not fair, not right, but if you become a willing participant in this life you are inviting that into your life.

    3. Being true to yourself is the MOST IMPORTANT reaction to ANY situation in life I have come to believe. It’s not selfish, it’s not self-centered, it’s the way we were designed to be. If the sex is not part of an intimate expression of your love (which CAN include all the dirty talk you both want) than it’s not a means to an end but rather just a way to get off.

    Good luck, God speed, and try to listen to your gut and be true to yourself.

    #54088
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Run, girl, run. Good things usually get better, bad things usually get worse. That’s been my experience anyway.

    Consider this: let’s say you had a friend, or better yet a daughter, who was in this situation. Would you want her to continue to be “unworthy” in his eyes? Or would you want her to thank him for teaching her valuable life lessons, and that she should move on to better things? Even being alone is better than being “not good enough” to live with or marry.

    Again, just my experience and opinion.

    #53230
    Lucinda
    Participant

    I agree with all the above, except for “there is no right or wrong in this situation”. I live in the US, and the laws pertaining to tennant/landlord behavior is extremely clear in that unless the landlord suspects an imminent threat or danger (like fire), they may not under any other circumstances enter the tennant’s space. So, assuming that it is similar where you live, it might be a good idea to try to approach the landlord on a day or at a time when they have not done so recently… Possibly mentioning something like, “You know, I was thinking about it, and I’m not comfortable with you entering my room for any reason unless you have spoken with me first. If there is an emergency, like a fire or something, of course, but I treasure my privacy and need to feel like my space is my own. I know it may sound silly, and I haven’t mentioned it before just because it doesn’t happen too much, but I’m working through some things in my life and for my own personal reasons I would just appreciate it if my room is not entered.”

    That way it’s coming from a place of you and your needs, not that they are doing anything “wrong” (even though I think they might indeed be). One sneaky way to see if someone has been in your room is to pluck a hair from your head and put it across the door frame towards the top when you close the door to leave. Then, if the door is opened (by someone else), the hair will fall and they will not notice but you will notice when you come home and see it’s not where you placed it.

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