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How to Understand When He is Seeing Someone

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  • #59703
    Anei
    Participant

    I have been seeing a person (I’ll use the letter B) off and on for four months. We have been on a few dates, but most of the time there was a lot of time in between them, and it almost seemed like we were hooking up. I didn’t pursue them more than that because I wasn’t sure if I liked them or not as a partner. I was also pretty nervous and didn’t want to spoil anything, but I ended up not making a move. I saw someone else for two months, but after that ended, I started seeing (B) again. We were text messaging and saw each other a few times. Then I realized I wanted to see him more, and started to ask him to out more, but that was when he told me he was “seeing someone right now” (a week after we had slept together).

    I’m trying to digest this. I really liked this person, and I was slow to come around to it, but it turns out I wanted to see them regularly (2-3 times a week) and to date them. I’m a bit broken down by this, even though we had never done anything more than go on dates. I’m not sure how to process this. Is he really interested in another person then, and wants them to be his girlfriend? I can’t handle that very well. I wanted to start being more serious with him. We were going on dates, and then this came out of no where.

    I’m not sure what to do now that he is unavailable…and could be potentially for a very long time. I feel sad, I wanted to be that person with him. I can’t stop thinking about it, even though I try to stop.

    I don’t know what to think about it mainly, and I had become really excited about our dates/chatting. It was like something had momentum then it came to a screeching halt. I know it happens – but am not sure how to process it in a way that makes me feel Whole again.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Anei.
    #59705
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Anei,

    These things do happen, and that’s why you (me, we, all of humanity!) should not start sleeping with someone too soon.

    For some people and for a lot of men, sex is a physical release or even a game. They don’t attach love, like, or attachment to it as much as others.

    As for this one in particular, if he ever comes back, make it clear that you are no booty call. The best you can do is be a platonic friend (let him do all the calling/texting) for a long time. I’m talking years. He might, just might, see what he’s been missing. But by that time you will probably have found someone who’s The Real Deal.

    My mom always says, “A busy woman is a happy woman!” Find something new to do that you can really get into and get excited about, as a distraction.

    Good Luck!

    #59707
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Inky. Perfecto advice.

    Hey Anei, hang in there lady. Some people are not worth wasting your time on.

    Best wishes,

    J

    #59711
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Yeah, so he was already seeing someone when he slept with you? What if that had been YOU he was “seeing” and another person he slept with?

    Best Maya Angelou quote: “When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

    The FIRST TIME.

    #59718
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi Anei,

    I feel like I could have written your post! I am going through a similar situation with a few more complications thrown into the mix. In my situation, we were emailing conversations instead of texting. The last email I sent almost 2 weeks ago was to wish him a happy Father’s Day. I received a very short “thanks a lot, everything is well here” reply. And that was it. No inquiry into how I was doing or anything else.

    I realized then that I had initiated the last 2 email exchanges…the Father’s Day one and an email a few days before it. Upon that realization, I told myself that I wasn’t going to initiate anymore because it made me feel desperate. I know that if I were to email him again, he would reply politely, but it would not be in the same tone & spirit that we had been emailing before. I would be like an addict going back to their addiction and getting a “quick fix” to hold me over until the next time my addiction kicked in. I realized that I would be hurting myself more by contacting him.

    In past situations like this, I would fool myself into thinking that I needed to contact him and would make up reasons to do so. The result has always been the same for me; I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole that just did not belong. Now I have a mantra that I apply to situations: “What is done is done…this is what I know now.” For example:

    What is done is done: He is not emailing me anymore and it feels like he is gone.
    This is what I know now: I initiated the last 2 emails and it made me feel sad and desperate.

    This helps keep me honest with myself and to keep me in the present, not thinking back to good times in that make me want to contact him. I know it is hard because I am struggling to fill the gap in my life that my friend’s departure has created. Many times a day, I want to email him and just say “Hi”. But then I think about the response I will get. Will it be one like our conversations before and show me that he is back in my life? Or is it going to be short and polite? I know how much it will hurt if it’s the latter and I’m not willing to do that to myself anymore.

    I hope the Universe helps you to help yourself and that you find the peace you are seeking.

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