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danaken

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • #89245
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi boykismet…sorry, I have not been on the forums and did not see your reply. Yes, we have to stay strong. The alternative is giving up and I’m not a quitter!!! I’ve learned to chose my battles to win the war.

    I am up for talking privately. What is the best way to go about that? You can’t message each other privately on here, can we?

    #88284
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi boykismet,

    My story is very similar to yours. I understand where you are at mentally, emotionally and physically. It is a horrible place to be and I am sorry that you are going through the pain.

    What most people don’t understand about being HIV+ is that while it is no longer a death sentence, it IS a life sentence. And to be honest…there are days that I don’t feel like a life sentence is better than a death sentence. Like you, I am incredibly blessed and know that I could be much more worse off than I am now. But some days, that is not enough to keep me from being completely overwhelmed by my status.

    If I could give you any kind of advice, it would be to create a new definition of what “whole again” means to you. Unfortunately, we can never go back to our pre-HIV+ days. We will never have that life again. Hopes, dreams and even rules that applied in our old lives are gone and we are left to build new ones. It is grueling and exhausting at times, but it can be done. If I could encourage you in anyway, it would be to find the empowerment in defining your new life and hope that it leads to excitement about the future you are building.

    More than anything, I wish I could reassure you that yes, The Universe is teaching you a lesson and what the reason is for that lesson. But unfortunately, I cannot because only YOU can learn the lesson. Instead, I will reassure you that you are not alone and who you are right now at this very moment IS good enough. You don’t have to be more for anyone but yourself. You are a piece of The Divine and you are perfect they way you are.

    Thank you for sharing and take care of yourself,
    d

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by danaken.
    #60867
    danaken
    Participant

    I agree with Vic in that she said this for her own closure and to not leave anything unsaid. However, the sentence of “When I got married I thought you and I had no future together” sticks out to me as a way possibly wanting to leave a door open. I interpret this as her meaning that she married someone else because she did not think the two of you would be married. I say this because I told the love of my life something similar with the intention that he would know the door was still open. It is not that I wanted anything to be rekindled with us right there & then…but I wanted to let him know that I still had feelings for him. It took me 15 years to be able to tell my ex this because I had not processed our break-up. I had to accept and workout my feelings for him as well as acknowledging my part in the relationship not working out.

    If you find that you are over analyzing the reason for why she told you this now, I would take Vic’s suggestion of asking her. Then you can let go for good.

    #60628
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi Vic,

    Like you, I am not a liar and have always prided myself on not being one. My integrity is one of my most valuable traits/assets. People love my honesty and come to me for advice or when they’re in situations where they “can’t see the forest for the trees”. I don’t like to BS people because I don’t like to be BSd myself.

    However, like you, that didn’t translate so well in my past relationships. As Matt so honestly pointed out, being vocally honest came off as being critical of my partner. And I was critical of him because I was very critical of myself. I thought that by being critical of everything, I was being “honest”…but I was just creating negative energy for myself and my relationship. I learned to let go of the mindless type of comments that Matt mentioned. My need to be critical is fueled by other self issues that belong in other posts. 🙂

    I am working on my honesty because it also made me vulnerable in the dating “game”. I hate that it’s a game…the honest part of me wants to be able to be completely upfront all the time, but other people don’t work that way. Don’t think of yourself as boring. If you work on tempering your honesty so that you can say what you want to say without losing your integrity with yourself and yet aren’t offending others, you will meet women who appreciate you. They will like knowing where they stand with you, knowing that you’re not playing games and feel safe in a relationship. And if you think you’re “killing the mystery”, be the strong silent type. It will intrigue the right type of woman and she will want to know what you’re honestly thinking.

    danaken

    #59826
    danaken
    Participant

    Matt…if only more men thought like you!

    #59822
    danaken
    Participant

    Hello & happy summer to you Big Blue!

    What an excellent question you have posed!!! I’ve been mulling it over and can only speak for myself, but the 8 scenarios I listed below are when I think the sperm should recognize that there are other eggs in the ovary and quit chasing the one in question.

    You know you should give up the chase when:
    1. If you’ve met online and you’re getting to know one another, she sends back short replies that give you nothing to work with.
    2. She friend-zones you by telling you that you’re such a nice guy and the woman that gets you is a lucky one.
    3. If you’ve established a cadence of communication and it drastically changes.
    4. You don’t receive a reply to a text, email or phone call within 24 hours…if she’s really into you but super busy, she’ll at least reply telling you she’s busy and let you know when she can reply properly.
    5. She doesn’t show appreciation for niceties such as having a door opened for her.
    6. She isn’t willing to reciprocate spending money on you…if you’ve bought dinner and the two of you decide to get coffee, if she’s really into you, she’ll want to buy.
    7. She makes it unrealistically difficult to chase her by putting up walls. If you find that you are asking yourself, “What am I doing wrong??”, chances are it isn’t you…it’s her.
    8. You are left wondering if she likes you after more than a month of consistent communication or dating.

    To me, #s 4 & 5 are just common courtesies that either sex should extend to one another throughout a relationship. If they don’t, I consider their behavior just plain rude.

    I hope this helps Big Blue…take care!

    danaken

    #59718
    danaken
    Participant

    Hi Anei,

    I feel like I could have written your post! I am going through a similar situation with a few more complications thrown into the mix. In my situation, we were emailing conversations instead of texting. The last email I sent almost 2 weeks ago was to wish him a happy Father’s Day. I received a very short “thanks a lot, everything is well here” reply. And that was it. No inquiry into how I was doing or anything else.

    I realized then that I had initiated the last 2 email exchanges…the Father’s Day one and an email a few days before it. Upon that realization, I told myself that I wasn’t going to initiate anymore because it made me feel desperate. I know that if I were to email him again, he would reply politely, but it would not be in the same tone & spirit that we had been emailing before. I would be like an addict going back to their addiction and getting a “quick fix” to hold me over until the next time my addiction kicked in. I realized that I would be hurting myself more by contacting him.

    In past situations like this, I would fool myself into thinking that I needed to contact him and would make up reasons to do so. The result has always been the same for me; I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole that just did not belong. Now I have a mantra that I apply to situations: “What is done is done…this is what I know now.” For example:

    What is done is done: He is not emailing me anymore and it feels like he is gone.
    This is what I know now: I initiated the last 2 emails and it made me feel sad and desperate.

    This helps keep me honest with myself and to keep me in the present, not thinking back to good times in that make me want to contact him. I know it is hard because I am struggling to fill the gap in my life that my friend’s departure has created. Many times a day, I want to email him and just say “Hi”. But then I think about the response I will get. Will it be one like our conversations before and show me that he is back in my life? Or is it going to be short and polite? I know how much it will hurt if it’s the latter and I’m not willing to do that to myself anymore.

    I hope the Universe helps you to help yourself and that you find the peace you are seeking.

Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)