Dating Someone Significantly Older?

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    Hi everyone! I just wanted to hear some perspective from anyone who has been in a relationship with someone older than them.

    Long story short, I met a man recently at a friends wedding. We got to talking and hit it off immediately. He’s 20 years older than me. We have a lot in common.. Our general interests and hobbies, successful in both of our careers, very driven, love to travel, love our families, and have very similar personalities.

    I’ve only gone on one date with him (honestly, probably one of the best dates I’ve ever been on in my life), so I can’t automatically say “yes I could see myself being with him long term” because I feel like we need to get to know each other better. I was also very up front that I would like to take things very slow, and he completely agreed. I definitely feel a very strong connection with him. He just seems like a really incredible person.

    I feel pretty at ease about this.. People have always complimented me that I’m incredibly mature for my age. I know it’s cliche, but I’ve always felt like I have an “older soul.” I’m not really sure if I ever honestly want to have kids, so the age thing doesn’t bother me either in that regard. I’m incredibly independent and financially stable, so it’s not at all a money thing. I guess I’m just hesitant about the fact that maybe a lot of people would think a relationship with an older man is slightly “taboo.” But at the end of the day, if you feel a connection with someone, regardless of age, you should just not give a crap what anyone thinks of it..?

    Anyway, would love to hear everyone’s feedback on the good and the bad in this situation. Thanks everyone!!

    Big blue

    Hi T,

    After reading your post, I say if you two are good with it, go for it.

    My only experience with a much older woman – she’s 12 years older, but seemed younger – did not bother me, but sometimes bothered her. We broke up for other reasons.

    I asked a similar question about “Realistic age gap?” On August 2, and got a lot of good answers.

    Big blue


    I’ve been dating someone 19 1/2 years older than me for over 2 years now, and have some thoughts on why our relationship is working… I know this is a lot of personal info, but I hope you can find it helpful. This has been MY experience with a 60 year old (I’m 41). We met over 2 years ago, and I must say that he is the love of my life. Not without it’s challenges, but it’s worth it:

    1. We are on the same side of having kids. If everyone is done, or everyone wants more, it’s fine. But if one wants a kid(s) and the other doesn’t, by definition someone has to change their mind. And that’s a HUGE compromise/decision to make, and it places an enormous amount of stress on an already potentially stressful relationship.

    2. We are financially independent of each other. This was more important to him, but I get it. My SO is actually retired, and I have a job. We are in charge of our own finances; it helps him feel like I’m not with him so I can be supported.

    3. We do not have kids together, and I do not rely on him for parenting my children from previous marriage. Although he is involved somewhat, and loves my daughters (7 & 10) dearly, he is not their father and thus does not feel the stress of being a step-parent because my girls already have two able-bodied parents. We call him a “bonus parent”…

    4. We have fantastic chemistry. And I don’t just mean in the bedroom; but it does include the bedroom. This is very important because as we age sex changes. IMO it gets BETTER, but it changes. So, for example, what it takes for a 60 year old to be able to make love actually involves much much more of his BRAIN (kinda like us gals) and his mechanics are not as easily “ready for action”. For he and I, this just means that his mood greatly affects his desire, thus affecting his ability to perform. It’s not a problem, it’s just very different (for him) vs when you’re a 35 year old man who is “ready to roll” when the wind blows if you get my drift.

    5. If you are attracted to each other, and it works for you two, it will be OK. There is certainly an initial period where you two (and other people) are getting used to the age difference, but when you’re in love it really doesn’t matter. Now I dont’ even see it and I kinda forget how much older he is than I. In the beginning, I got used to it a little by some light teasing (which is one way I cope with stress). I might way, “Gosh, you graduated from high school the year before I was born.” Or whatever. After a few weeks, he asked me to stop mentioning our age difference, saying “It’s apparent to everyone we are almost 20 yrs apart. Bringing it up, even with light teasing, is kinda like pointing out how short I am. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean we have to comment on it.” And he was right. From that moment on, I just focused on the fact that I love him and love being with him.

    6. Other people may be surprised, or have a silly grin, or tease about the age diff, but it stops quickly. Since he and I are so comfortable with it, other people handle it the same. If we are relaxed and don’t make it an issues (which it isn’t), they wont either. And honestly, even if someone does, it usually stops pretty quickly. Like they get the hint that they’re just sounding petty and jealous. Which they ought to be because I’m fabulous:-) LOL.

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