I recently did this with my CURRENT boyfriend…here’s my experience, and although a little different maybe you can glean something helpful:

We had broken up for three months, and have been back together for over three months). Long story short while we were apart we both did a little dabbling in online dating. For me, I signed up for ONE site, then we got back together and I disabled my account completely. I asked in a casual way if he had too, and he said something vague like, “Oh I never got even one hit off those sites.” I let it go.

Then about a month ago I was on his computer (with his knowledge) and looking at something and for some reason his history popped up and I noticed a few sites I didn’t like (dating site, another online meetup group about polyamory). Later that night, unknown to him, I searched through his emails and further online history and saw things I didn’t want to know. Like that he had actually MET UP with that poly group a few times while apart, although not since.

So I actually created a fake online persona and JOINED the poly group, to “catch” him, I guess…suffice to say it quickly started eating my lunch and I withdrew and became extremely depressed, sad, angry, afraid, hurt…so so hurt. I broke, I had to tell him what I had done and why. He had good explanations for his actions, having to change his password on dating sites (that’s why he had to log in), and same with that poly group. (For the record we are interested in some extreme things in our sex life, although generally fantasy not actually doing that stuff so as out of left field as that sounds it’s not exactly.)

He deleted all his online accounts, not just disabled, deleted. With me watching. He knew I was doing it all out of fear, and I apologized. He cleaned off his side of the street by deleting accounts. I promised to never do that behavior again, and I haven’t even once.

I think the lesson I learned is that when I’m doing something I shouldn’t, here’s the best way to approach getting it resolved:

1. Admit my wrong doing, admit my behavior, admit my lie and mistake.
2. Talk about the situation with the person involved, and ask for forgiveness.
3. Ask what I could have done differently or could do in the future differently when those feelings of fear start to creep up again.
4. DO WHAT I SAID I WOULD DO…whatever it is we decide I actually DO.

Now if I’m feeling afraid or insecure, we talk about it. I don’t accuse, just state facts, how I’m feeling and then we work it out together.

Hope that helps.

Sandy,I’m suffering by the same problem. If someone wants to have a conversation about this,tell me!