November 2, 2014 at 10:35 pm #67224sandyParticipant
Yes, it’s true… I’m a stalker. I’ve been dealing with this for over a year now. I quit all my social media accounts so that I would have an easier time moving on after my partner and I broke up. But I can still look him up (and his friends, too!) and see what he’s doing and who he’s communicating with, which ALWAYS makes me feel a lot of grief! I’ve probably done it enough that’s it’s become a habit. I’ll go days, sometimes weeks without checking him out, but then I get the idea in my head and even try to stop myself from doing it, but ultimately I have no control.
This is a major problem in my life. I get back to my normal, happy self in the days or weeks after I’ve committed the stalking and suffering and I know what a negative impact the stalking has on my life, but I can’t seem to do what’s good for me.
Any advice? Do I need to seek out a professional for help? Is there a way to block things from my computer so I can stop? I seriously need help.
November 3, 2014 at 4:04 am #67228JimboParticipant
- This topic was modified 7 years ago by sandy.
I feel your pain as I did exactly the same thing: continuing to look at my ex’s Facebook and career info for a long time after the relationship ended. It prolonged the pain I’d felt from the relationship falling apart.
Maybe one was to try is to record how long you can go without looking. Get a baseline first (maybe it’s a few hours). Then once you have that number, try to go longer the next time. Like changing a habit, it will likely feel tough at first but get easier over time.
Perhaps when you’re not looking at your partner’s material, you could also journal all the things you’ve been able to do in that time that’s helped you as a person.November 3, 2014 at 6:35 am #67233LucindaParticipant
I recently did this with my CURRENT boyfriend…here’s my experience, and although a little different maybe you can glean something helpful:
We had broken up for three months, and have been back together for over three months). Long story short while we were apart we both did a little dabbling in online dating. For me, I signed up for ONE site, then we got back together and I disabled my account completely. I asked in a casual way if he had too, and he said something vague like, “Oh I never got even one hit off those sites.” I let it go.
Then about a month ago I was on his computer (with his knowledge) and looking at something and for some reason his history popped up and I noticed a few sites I didn’t like (dating site, another online meetup group about polyamory). Later that night, unknown to him, I searched through his emails and further online history and saw things I didn’t want to know. Like that he had actually MET UP with that poly group a few times while apart, although not since.
So I actually created a fake online persona and JOINED the poly group, to “catch” him, I guess…suffice to say it quickly started eating my lunch and I withdrew and became extremely depressed, sad, angry, afraid, hurt…so so hurt. I broke, I had to tell him what I had done and why. He had good explanations for his actions, having to change his password on dating sites (that’s why he had to log in), and same with that poly group. (For the record we are interested in some extreme things in our sex life, although generally fantasy not actually doing that stuff so as out of left field as that sounds it’s not exactly.)
He deleted all his online accounts, not just disabled, deleted. With me watching. He knew I was doing it all out of fear, and I apologized. He cleaned off his side of the street by deleting accounts. I promised to never do that behavior again, and I haven’t even once.
I think the lesson I learned is that when I’m doing something I shouldn’t, here’s the best way to approach getting it resolved:
1. Admit my wrong doing, admit my behavior, admit my lie and mistake.
2. Talk about the situation with the person involved, and ask for forgiveness.
3. Ask what I could have done differently or could do in the future differently when those feelings of fear start to creep up again.
4. DO WHAT I SAID I WOULD DO…whatever it is we decide I actually DO.
Now if I’m feeling afraid or insecure, we talk about it. I don’t accuse, just state facts, how I’m feeling and then we work it out together.
Hope that helps.November 4, 2014 at 12:28 pm #67314SantiagoParticipant
Hi, I am kind of in the same situation. Trying to avoid social media. I have learned some valuable lessons about this in the past weeks after breaking up. Hit me up if with a message on my tiny buddha profile you’d like to talk about it on private!, or just paste your email and we can talk.
Hope this helpsNovember 4, 2014 at 1:46 pm #67327popiParticipant
Sandy,I’m suffering by the same problem. If someone wants to have a conversation about this,tell me!November 4, 2014 at 1:53 pm #67328popiParticipant
When I admit that I’m doing wrong I have no qualms but instead I feel that i have a problem ( maybe mental or emotional, i don’t know)!
So,it’s an unending road.
I feel bad in both way of thinking,even if i admit my fault and i want to fix that, or when i think it’s okay to do the wrong.