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    Anita: Please consider that what I typed was actually occurring. Or don’t. I appreciate your point of view, but I’m thinking that I didn’t describe the situation well and that you assumed that it was all imagined, projected.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 11 months ago by sandy.

    Wow, you guys are the best. Thank you, thank you, thank you for chiming in and sharing your wisdom!

    Anita, thank you – your words made me smile! And after I read them, I realized that if someone like you could accept my slobby tendencies, then I should be able to accept them and those same tendencies in others (I have had slobby partners in the past and I would give them grief for it – while stuffing away my slobbiness under a neat, clean exterior).

    Matt, I cleaned my entire house. And now I have no desire to sit and watch TV. You were right. And I do procrastinate. I procrastinate with studying and that comes in the form of watching TV and neglecting my responsibilities like keeping my place in working order. I will try to just find and recognize the happiness that comes from doing these things. That’s a different perspective that I never thought of. Thank you!

    Inky, you’re hilarious – you cracked me up! It’s good to read your words, and yes, it’s all true. I will try to remember that when I’m talking to the sweet, nice, hot guy that I think is out of my league. 🙂 Thanks!

    Pink, thanks for sharing your experience. It’s good to know there’s someone out there who can relate. What you said about putting yourself first, especially with regards to friendships and not finding the partner or the job really hits home. I contemplated on this and realized that I really am my happiest when I take care of myself. I just went through a phase where I was saying no to things that didn’t fulfill me, I stopped pursuing friendships that didn’t match up with my interests and personality, and I spent lots of time in nature talking to the birds and squirrels and trees and stuff. It was easy for me then to go to sleep at night and I didn’t really think about not having friends or a partner or a career and my debt. I just realized that in wanting to pursue or date these guys, I’ve tossed that all out the window. I started caring about looking good and buying clothes. I developed this insecurity about not having friends and for dropping out of the student council… all things that I know would leave a better impression the guys. I do realize that during that time, I felt self-conscious, I smiled less, was ruder to others and felt like I was out of my body. Up until today I couldn’t figure out what had changed, but I know that I want to get that back. It’s funny that I can’t have both-the regard for how my life sizes up AND the self-care, self-love. Because when I get into the self-love phase I don’t care about anything else! Which isn’t really anything to complain about…until I want to date someone and I start thinking about how that doesn’t fit into a relationship with another. But maybe you’re right, that a relationship will come in time. I mostly believe this, but lately I’m starting to think that it may never come (especially when walking around the neighborhood by myself and seeing families hanging out together, having bbq’s ,celebrating Father’s Day…).

    Nonetheless, I have cleaned my room, I have all of your wonderful wisdom to let sink into my brain and I’m healthy and alive. Thank you again for your help!!!


    Great post and responses to a problem that I too share. I’m nervous to get into a new relationship because I don’t know how to not obsess over the new love interest. I can force myself to do things to keep myself busy and look more independent, but they don’t come naturally like they do for other people I know. Even if I’m not in a relationship, when I simply have a crush on someone, I become obsessed with how I look and act around them and spend my free time thinking of how to impress them. Would be wonderful to not have these tendencies.


    Just wanted to add that a lot of my current feelings of being inadequate come from realizing that when I’m living alone and single, I’m a slob, I spend my free time watching tv and pigging out and have no ambition. When I’m in a relationship, I’m neat, have hobbies and don’t show my lazy uninteresting side.

    I wondered why I don’t do good things for myself when I’m alone. And I think that I would never let anyone that I wanted to date see the way that I live. In the past I’ve hidden this side and shaped up to show a side of myself that would be more attractive. I see others who live for themselves and wonder how to do that.


    Hi popi, Steve, inky, Susan and amul… Thanks for responding. Great answers and things for me to reflect on. Coincidentally, I came across this article tonight on compassion being inherent in humans:


    Reading this made me realize that although I lack the compassion for others to find happiness, I have loads of compassion for any form suffering, even in the things I despise. So I guess I’m not all rotten. 🙂 and yes, I agree that what I’m looking for is my own happiness, which I can find through self acceptance.


    Again, Natasha, thank you for your words here. Your last post made me cry, but also gave me hope since I know your words are the truth. I can honestly say that only on a couple of occasions in the year and a half since we broke up have I wished for him to be happy – with or without me. And when that happened, I knew what I felt was overwhelming love. That feeling is so rare to me, but as you describe it, I know that it’s the words of someone who is filled with love themselves.

    I will practice my metta and noticing where my heart is. Sending much love to you! I hope your life continues to be filled with the love that you create!


    Hi Natasha,

    I came back and re-read the advice that everyone posted and noticed that I hadn’t seen your last post. Funny, but your comments on feeling alone in a room full of people really addressed where I’ve been for the past few weeks. And your first post that mentions that peace and joy aren’t attained through stuff really picked me up when I needed it.

    I have been feeling down in the dumps – doing things that aren’t good for me, but unable to stop myself — looking at my past partner’s life on social media (I’m no longer even on any social media for fear of getting caught up in his life). Seeing the very large social circle he’s in, the cool people he’s associating with, the girls that he communicates with who are in my eyes much more cool, pretty, talented, smart than I am. It’s very hard to observe when here I sit with nothing going on in my life, getting older, no social circle, etc.

    So like I mentioned, I’ve wondering if I would feel fulfilled if I were in his shoes (particularly if I had some cool guys to take my mind off of him) and if he still feels lonely in his situation. I definitely needed to be reminded that our void follows us wherever we go. And now I can focus on filling that void by taking care of myself.

    I just wish I could stop the self-torture with the social media stalking… and being able to detach enough that when he contacts me I don’t get caught up in him again….


    Hi pink nails,

    Sorry to hear about your tough times, but I’m glad you shared with me. I guess we should both listen to your dad and remember that nothing is permanent. I haven’t been able to talk with anyone about how I feel, outside of the tiny Buddha forum. I did contemplate trying to find a counselor, but I thought I’d put in my best effort to pick myself up And dust myself off first. I’m trying to meditate each night and am finding resources for healing through writing.

    Hi jasmine-

    Thanks again for responding. I realize that I’m very fixed on outcomes and change is very hard for me. I don’t really go with the flow, at least not in terms of unexpected things. I’d love to not just be more accepting, but also more self aware of my rigid tendencies.

    I would like to find a way to learn how to live for myself instead of others… I think without the others in my picture, I’m finding it hard to have a reason for living.


    That’s an interesting perspective, Inky. Thank you for sharing it. It does seem to be the case… Guess I’m kind of in denial about getting older and I’m not really seeing things for what they are. But it’s true. A lot of these folks have been through tough times and maybe they’ve come out the other end with the attitude of putting themselves and their needs first. Or maybe they were always like that. Either way, that makes sense and I like your thoughts on how those good, tried and true friends are great gifts that you can’t ask for.

    Wish we could all stay young at heart. Your words have brought my attention to this and it’s something I’ll remember to work on myself — to try and not get “too long in the tooth”. 🙂 And ill take chads advice and not expect too much out of others. That’s a difficult one!


    Thanks for taking the time to write, Chad. You’ve pointed out some interesting things for me to ponder, namely finding like-minded folks through community groups and volunteer projects (I love to volunteer! –haven’t been able to find any opportunities-yet!), and understanding where I’m coming from, which helps me to see my situation without feeling guilty or like a bad person.

    Unfortunately my school, if you can still call it that, is made up of 8 students. And yes, most of them are younger than me. Im studying oriental medicine, which seems to attract a certain type of person. Given the situation, it would probably be best for me to find other friends and acquaintances through the avenues you suggested. 🙂

    Thanks for writing and understanding my situation. Your advice is golden and gives my heart hope!


    Hi t,

    I just came across your post and though its been a while since it was created, I just wanted to share what seems to help me with getting through my days with less suffering from a loss that sounds similar to yours.

    For me, the most effective practice has been to practice loving myself and taking care of myself. Meditating, focusing on the good, constantly reassuring myself that my feelings are okay, treating myself like I would someone I’m in love with (like I’m dating myself). I have a hard time sticking with it on w I start feeling better, but I know when I’m not because then I start to have those feelings of lack/something’s wrong.

    For the days when it all seems too much to bear and it feels like you can’t get a grip and your outlook seems hopeless, I practice tonglen. Breathing in the pain of the world (mine and all those suffering in the world from broken hearts and lost love) and breathing out peace or love or healing. For me, it helps to think of healing others, maybe it gets my focus away from myself.

    These things, along with a nightly gratitude list before bed, getting out in nature, connecting with others on tinybuddha forums and sharing me feelings, as well as a constant reminder that all we have is the present moment and these feelings will pass help me to get through.

    Most of all just knowing whatever I feel is okay. And please don’t label-I’ll never move on/get over it. It may feel like that, but nothing is permanent or guaranteed. Maybe you could try change that statement to “I’ll never stop loving her”. Maybe even try sending that love out to her or someone else so that it doesn’t feel stifled. Best is to send it to your own heart. 🙂

    Thank you for sharing. Writing to you helps me, too! Sending you lots of love and peace.


    Hi Kayla,

    I would encourage you to familiarize yourself with all of peace corps worldwide programs – specific projects and countries and see if any of them really resonate with you. I know that lots of recruiters will look for college graduates with some foreign language experience. I had a hard time getting what I wanted-a water resources related project in a Spanish speaking country straight out of college, despite having Spanish and water resources degrees (was going to be recruited to instead go to Central Asia to teach English), but 4 years later with lots of volunteer and work experience in social services in the us and Mexico, I could pretty much have my pick of any region or project in the world (I went to Bolivia as environmental education volunteer). The problem was that straight out of college, despite my perfect degrees, I had an awful resume-no internships, volunteer experience, etc.

    I have friends who went into projects like basic sanitation with only a couple semesters of language. I have other friends who went to africAn countries that didn’t have a language requirement and taught English. If you study something like environmental studies, nutrition, health related fields, I think it’s easier to get recruited for related projects because most have some related experience from their studies. Social work background would be great for a lot of projects.

    I think the following will help you with your application:

    -if you want to be a volunteer in a specific field, find volunteer opportunities within that field while in school.
    -volunteer/extra-curricular activities-community/social/civic-minded
    -language experience
    -attend local peace corps recruitment events
    -something showing that you’re familiar with foreign cultures
    -experience working as a team (projects usually require you to work one on one with a foreign counterpart and often involve working with local municipalities)

    I know they look for applicants who have shown fortitude and perseverance in getting through tough times and who are committed.

    I think it’s fantastic that you’re planning ahead! I have no doubt that you’ll end up where you want to in the peace corps when the time comes! Best of luck to you! Please let me know if I can answer any other questions.


    Thank you, Crystal, Natasha and John for taking the time to write and provide support. I will take your suggestions to put myself in the position of an observer to find answers, to view my life as an interesting choose your own adventure/journey, and to constantly be aware and grateful for the blessings that I do have.

    Since writing last, my space has shifted a bit to a place where I’m feeling very alone in my life’s journey. I think I was able to feel very fulfilled through my studies. Without them I see the empty spaces that I long to fill with family and good friends. I remember that my number one priority in life is my family and community and without them, nor my studies/passion, I feel quite empty and confused.

    I think part of my struggle stems from wondering where and what I’m meant to be. I know for years of my life, my life goal was to understand myself and grow spiritually so that I can be a more loving person. Times like these, I wonder if that’s my true path that I need to not stray from. All the rest is extraneous…


    Hi Ruminant,

    Well you just hit the nail on the head!

    I know I’m not very adaptable. I imagine myself living as a caveman and not being able to move along and adapt and being left behind to die. I would totally be that last standing native who refused to learn the new language and assimilate with new cultures and societies. This seems like a defect, genetically, but also a form of self preservation.

    It’s ironic… I took control and left my last two schools, saying they were insufficient and incompetent. And now my school is leaving me! And I must adapt or die!

    Thanks for putting this perspective in my mind!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 46 total)