Sandy,

To me, it sounds like a matter of postponing, putting off.

Consider a metaphor of your living room. You go into your living room, and its a mess. Old papers on the table, food wrappers, old soda cans. Whew! Luckily, you can turn on the TV to distract yourself from the inevitable work of cleaning it up. Perhaps some TV will rekindle your desire to clean up. But you get into the TV program, and end up eating some more, drinking more soda, and so now the mess is bigger! So you turn up the TV extra loud so you don’t notice the mess. Pretty soon the TV is maxed out, and there is crud everywhere.

The freedom from this is actually really simple. Cleaning up the crud first removes the heaviness that pushes us to escape. Like, perhaps if the living room was clean, TV or no TV, there is Sandy, smiling. And, its actually the cleaning that produces joy, anyway. Not some TV show. Or a relationship. See?

Said differently, its good for you to find happiness just so you experience it, dear sister. Not just so you can up your value to a partner.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Sandy,

You’re definitely too hard on yourself, girl. I’m the same age as you and single, and let me tell you living for yourself is no easy feat. I’ve gone through phases where I’ve lived just like you, especially wanting to hide that side of myself I was too ashamed to show. But I agree with lnky–guys don’t care. And I think you know that too. But the things is, you care. That’s obvious. And that’s what it’s about.

I had to go through- not to sound cheesy – an ‘awakening’ to get myself out of the funk you described. A few years ago, I got so tired of myself, and of life, and I couldn’t be unhappy anymore. I was creating suffering for myself, much like you are now. And I too thought the answers were all in the partners I couldn’t have, or the jobs I couldn’t get, but really the answers were–another cheeseball moment–in me. But realizing this didn’t come easy. It actually came through, what felt like at the time, losing my whole life. But then slowly, I began taking care of myself (at first because I had no one else and nothing else to take care of) I began cleaning my apartment, that began to feel good, then cleaning my ‘social closet’ –getting rid of of anyone who was draining me of energy, anyone I had to explain myself to, anyone who didn’t really ‘get me’. AFter all that, literally I found myself with one friend. And she lived across the country. But I didn’t care. I was putting myself and my well-being ahead of any expectations anyone had of me. I was putting myself first. And maybe that’s what you need to do, and worry about the relationship stuff later. And anyway, that stuff always comes in its own time. You can do nothing to control that. Become the kind of partner you want to be with. Then, maybe you’ll stop worry about being good enough, you know?

I hope this helps, Sandy. Honestly I’ve been in your shoes, I can even feel that ongoing unease as I write this. But the good news is that you’ve verbalized it. You know something isn’t right. And knowing that, being AWARE of that, is everything. Awareness of the thoughts you consistently think is the beginning of the way out (says all the spirituality books I own, but it’s true I believe. That realization has helped me in ways I can’t even begin to explain)

Good luck to you, girl. 🙂

Take care,
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