Forum Replies Created
October 2, 2020 at 11:39 am #367487
I think sometimes the fault isn’t with us for being blind to our exes’ personality, but rather our exes for behaving badly. You believed him. There’s no shame in that. But you also you can’t avoid pain in relationships–that’s part of the deal. Love is always a risk. And I think you made out ok in this one. You’re not marrying him! Thank god!
Your ex sounds quasi-racist, confused, and not really brave or confident. Sometimes one’s family doesn’t know better, and it takes a person confident within himself to know that. I think he saved you from making a big mistake. You know what they say, “Rejection is God’s protection.”
I know you feel stupid. Who wouldn’t? But it will pass. All that means is that you put yourself out there – and that’s a good thing!
One day you’ll find someone who will fight for you, who will want to be with YOU (and not his Mom lol). Take some time for yourself, love yourself LOTS – you’ve had a rough go of it, but every day the pain will be a little bit less.
Sending you good vibes 🙂
PinkJuly 13, 2020 at 3:36 pm #361610
I encourage you to look at this time of solitude as a gift. It is a time for you to get to know yourself; what you like, what your boundaries are, what really matters and what truly doesn’t to you. Time is a gift, but only if you treat it like one.
I’ve been on my own for a a number of years, and I didn’t always look at it like that. I used to get really agitated and resentful, thinking something was wrong with me, but I was also making changes in my life since obviously now I had the time to. And I started to realize just how much time I had on my hands to do whatever I wanted, and how much time I just gave away to people who were toxic and didn’t deserve it. I’ve made changes now in that area too and am confident that the next time I have a connection with someone, it’ll be with the right kind of person.
So treasure this time! Instead of looking outward, turn inward. Your life will be much better for it!
Good luck 🙂
PinkMarch 4, 2020 at 10:19 am #341398
Your story breaks my heart. I have an ageing parent too, and it’s so hard.
Good fathers are a truly a gift. Each moment spent with him is a really a gift to yourself. Now, your situation is a bit complex given all the restrictions and details, but, know that if you’re thinking of moving back, it’ll just feel right. Do it though because you want to spend this time with him, not because you’re trying to save him. Sometimes as children we can get confused between the two.
Pink 🙂January 1, 2019 at 10:44 am #271909
That’s so great Amanda! I’m really happy for you.
Happy New Year!
All the best,
Pink 🙂December 9, 2018 at 9:08 am #268469
My heart breaks for you. I am of Middle Eastern decent as well and completely understand.
If I may share a story with you – that of my parents’ marriage – which may inspire you and your partner. My parents, who are both Middle Eastern, married against the wishes of my father’s family. Without going into too much detail, my father moved out of his family’s house in protest, as he was arranged to marry his cousin. He was about your age and established in his career. We’re also talking 1970s Iraq. His parents did not attend the wedding, a few of his sisters did, begrudgingly. No one supported their marriage at all. But I can tell you, having watched their marriage for the last forty years – they are perfect for each other.
Why not fight for her?
Good luck 🙂
PinkAugust 28, 2018 at 5:19 am #223361
Thank you Anita for taking the time to respond.
May I ask, why is it that I have to endure this while my sisters do not? Is it because I do not have a man by my side, easy prey for an abusive person?
Anita have you had a toxic person in your life? If so, how did you get to a better place for yourself?August 23, 2018 at 7:34 am #222693
I’ve been in similar situations. I will tell you this: No amount of money is worth your sanity. NONE.
I’ve left toxic situations–and not easily, mind you–and I can tell you from experience that once you leave, new opportunities come. They just do. And I saw all of my worrying was for nothing. Trust the universe. It has your back.
If you take the part-time job at the school, maybe another opportunity will come out of it, who knows. But only you know your limits. What you will take, and what you will not. Maybe teaching a subject you’re not passionate about is your red line. And maybe that with the fact that it is part time makes it less desirable. Does it? Or was this decision purely financial? Again, questions to ask yourself.
But my only question though is, why would you want tenure in a toxic work environment? Like, why? You’re obviously a great teacher; you could get tenure anywhere including your dream school. Why sell yourself short? Yes, taking the part-time job is a risk, but you’re betting on yourself. Isn’t that a risk worth taking?
Sending you good vibes girl ’cause I’ve been there 🙂
PinkAugust 22, 2018 at 5:09 pm #222627
Yeah, what do you value?
I used to value $ over all things, thinking that $ was in direct proporation to a person’s value. But for many years I felt owned by someone who thought he could treat me however he wanted simply because he had money. Now I make my own money. And I get to value respect, kindness, and compassion and support over all things when it comes to men. Perhaps you are going to the wrong places to meet women, or simply the right woman hasn’t shown up yet. We learn as we go in this life.
I agree and think it’s a wise idea to focus on yourself and what you value. Quite honestly, if there’s anyone who is allowing money or lackthereof to determine his value it seems to YOU. Don’t you know your debt has absolutely nothing to do with who you are?
Pink 🙂July 11, 2018 at 4:15 pm #216321
Hi Tiny Butterfly,
I completely relate. My dad has Alzheimer’s and has been on a steady decline since his early 60s (He’s 75 now). It’s like watching a slow and painful death, I know. The good news (I know right, how can there be good news) is that for me, going through it with him and watching the father I knew slowly disappear made me appreciate that seed of him that is always there, you know? Do you ever experience that with your mom? Over many years, gradually, I let go of him as I remembered him all my life. I was forced to adapt to the person he is. And now, I really, truly, treasure those moments I have with him where he’s my dad again – they come like a flash, then they’re gone. And I’m ok with it, well not totally but I’ve accepted it I feel. My dad makes me appreciate life, every moment, because honestly one second he’s right there with me, and the next second he’s gone.
The whole thing is a process. I understand the anticipatory grief; maybe you’re worried about your health? But you can’t predict the future. We have to suffer in our lives to understand the pain of loss, and appreciate people when they are here. My dad has taught me that. You can only live right now. And you must! Parents dying is a fact of life. Everyone experiences it–so please reach out whenever you want.
Also you’re doing an amazing job caring for your mother. Just remember that. So many people in this life have no one to care for them at all, and just by being there, loving her, is enough. Trust that she knows that, and is grateful for you .
Take it easy, tiny butterfly. Do something you enjoy today. Send you good vibes:)
PinkJune 22, 2018 at 5:57 am #213583
Hey Red Dress,
If someone sent me blogposts of why I was not married, I’d be pissed off too. Just saying.
Look, not all women are like your former friend. Some sure, but not all. Because of the time we’re living in, I think women are seeing more and more that we need to stick together, and not judge each other on the basis of the content of our lives. Your former friend doesn’t get it. Your parents don’t get it, probably because in their time women did drop all of their female friends for a family. But now, with this rising awareness and with so many women choosing to stay single or get divorced, I think that you’ll have better luck find a female friend who appreciates you and doesn’t judge you.
Move on, girl. There are plenty of friend fish in the sea.
Good luck 🙂
PinkJune 5, 2018 at 12:39 pm #210963
Well I’m not sure why your girlfriend likes talking to someone who is always sad. That within itself just sounds annoying. Like I was literally annoyed and I only read about him. I mean honestly, life is hard for everyone.
I think the best thing to do is ….nothing. Like, NOTHING. Meaning, don’t engage her when she talks about him. Let her learn on her own how annoying he is. (I may sound harsh, but people who vent and complain a lot about their lives really annoy me ) And if she doesn’t, at least she can’t engage you. Misery loves company, and you have to make it clear to her that you are simply not available to discuss him.
Focus on you guys. Being in love is awesome!!! Please don’t let this other guy taint your experience. Perhaps suggest a therapist? Yea, that might be best.
PinkMay 13, 2018 at 3:52 pm #207131
I have some experience with this, unfortunately 🙁 And I can honestly say, as someone who chose to continue the relationship thinking I could ‘fix it’, or make him love me again, the most painful feeling in the world is not feeling loved by your partner. There are just no two ways about it.
So when old feelings come up, instead of thinking bad thoughts about him, think to yourself: I deserve love. I deserve someone who’s sure about me, who loves me with his whole heart.
I’d also recommend no contact. I know that’s hard since you have the same friends, but maybe find a guy to flirt with for the summer. It’s the summer! And if you do see your ex or his friends, drop a line about your imaginary fabulous new boyfriend. The point is to distance yourself and protect yourself. Because I mean really, you deserve someone who appreciates your maturity, level-headedness and thoughtfulness. If that isn’t worthy of love, I’m just not sure what is.
Good luck 🙂
PinkMay 8, 2018 at 12:34 pm #206343
It’s ok, Selena. I can say from experience, everything will be ok.
Take a deep breath. Think of one thing you are grateful for (as an exercise to get through the anxiety), the sun, the spring flowers, whatever. I say that because plans of proper action arise out of a peaceful mind. Maybe it’s calling your mom, or a cousin, or a friend to lend a couch for a couple weeks, or a temp agency; their job is to find work quickly. Either way, a plan will arise and you will be fine.
I could share with you the many, many times I’ve been in your situation. In a moment though, an opportunity for some element of security arose that I never saw coming. Of course I was never calm during times like these, lol, which is why I’m advising you to be 🙂 Every seemingly horrible thing that happens is for our good. It’s hard to see that now, of course, but I promise you it is.
Sending you lots of love and positive energy
PinkMarch 15, 2018 at 2:57 pm #197509
I was also sexually assaulted at work, years ago–I know how you feel. The fact that you even reported it is HUGE. It’s sad that your hospital didn’t support you, but I’m not surprised. I’m assuming he was at a higher level than you were at the time of the assault, which may account for that. In my experience, HR looks out for management and will always try to shame the woman and question her. I think that’s changing now with the MeToo movement, but it will take awhile.
I wish I had something to say about the trauma, that it will go away. But it won’t without you seeking help. And it doesn’t have to be therapy if you don’t want it right now. It can be long walks, meditation, perhaps religion, just something for you to start reprogramming your mind and help you handle the flashbacks when they come up. (meditation can be really useful for that) Then if it’s time for therapy, it’ll be time….
I’m really sorry this happened to you. I know it’s hard. But you sound like a really strong person. Good for you he’s out of a job. But it sounds like your hospital broke your trust by not supporting you at all. When I was assaulted, I reported it and was retaliated against and ultimately quit. Now this was almost ten years ago, but from reading your story I feel like companies still have a WAYS to go in terms of supporting employees who have been assaulted.
But you don’t have time to wait around, you know? Perhaps when you’re in a better space, it might be a good idea to start looking for another job somewhere else. And don’t worry about him–he already lost. Take care of yourself now. Whatever makes you feel like you can breathe easily again, stick with that. Whatever it is.
Sending you good vibes,
PinkFebruary 27, 2018 at 7:57 am #194981
TinyBuddha can be your support system, if you choose. Sometimes only a few helpful, encouraging words can set us on the right path for the day.