December 7, 2022 at 7:44 am #411442LMParticipant
To anyone out there,
Im 29 and I have went through severe rejection my whole life. From severe bullying in school to getting severely abused by my ex husband. After that I went for men who abused me, cheated on me, made a mockery of me, left me for other women. Im bipolar had four relapses this year.
As you could guess, I hate myself more than anything in this world. I hate what I look like, how I sound, how I walk, how I breathe, how I eat – everything.
I know that we cannot put our worth in others. But what happens if all you wanted in life is to feel special and important. But all you get is rejection. Because, people throw away garbage – and thats how I feel.
Life is a struggle and I tried to commit suicide many times in my life, as of last week.
Its so weird how all I wanted in life was to get married and be a mom. And I have to accept that Im not made for that.
The last man I saw, just threw my away 2 weeks ago just to find out he has a new, more prettier woman in his life – what makes it horrible is that we work at the same place. So I am an embarrassment in life and at work and I wish I could just run away.
Im just so desperate for answers. I feel so ugly and worthless and stupid.
I just wish I was good enough and that I were a butterfly – but Im a moth.
I hate myself and Im still contemplating my life.
The pain is just too much.
I just need answers – because living with myself currently is hell.
So if anyone can please help me – because its just getting too much.December 7, 2022 at 8:04 am #411458Sarah Jeanne BrowneModerator
I too have bipolar with past suicidal ideations. I’ve been an abuse victim too.
Have you tried genesight? I’m using that for psych meds right now. I had sort of a breakdown recently too.
But for the first time in my life, I felt “I want to live.” My suicidal ideation is gone completely. I have complete faith that I will be okay. I have felt God’s grace in many situations. For example, I gave feedback to the mental health services in my area to the manager detailing the ways they are failing people as well as possible solutions. I made meaning out of it all with writing self-help and attempting to write books.
I know trauma impacts mental health.
You haven’t been treated well. So you don’t know how to give yourself self-compassion.
I want you to take a breath when you read this and say “I am worth fighting for.”
You are worth it.
Everyone is struggling in some way. I have no idea if I’ll relapse again or go on the best med for me.
I’ve sort of given up control and gave it completely to Jesus. He’s my one constant in a chaotic life.
Please ask for help from a therapist or suicide hotline if you need to.
The first step is admitting you need help, that you’re out of your window of tolerance. A few books that helped me: 1) Chicken Soup for the Soul angels or miracles books 2) Try Softer by Aundi Kolber and 3) Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. 4) Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl holocaust survivor 5) The Choice by Dr. Edith Eger (as well as her book The Gift and online courses she’s a holocaust survivor)
I have a strong why to create art (my writing) and help others not to experience what I’ve experienced.
You don’t always have a why. You can’t always make meaning. But you can love yourself through this.
I don’t know you or what your journey has been like but you are not alone. come to this forum to vent rather than give up on your life.
You don’t have to be strong right now. Just rest and give yourself a break. You have overcome so much. Life may not make sense at times but there’s a reason you’re still here. You will help so many people with your story.December 7, 2022 at 9:06 am #411461anitaParticipant
“What happens if all you wanted in life is to feel special and important. But all you get is rejection. Because, people throw away garbage – and that’s how I feel“- I recently heard that one third of all the food that is produced in the U.S. ends up as garbage (starting in the fields where crops are grown but not harvested=> => all the way to kitchens in restaurant and homes): good food, as good as the food that ends up nourishing the hungry.
It is also true that many people who are as worthy as any other person- get treated like garbage, or worse. It is a very sad and horrifying reality that people’s very lives are wasted, taken, misused, harmed, humiliated… not because the abused are garbage but because abusers have other priorities. Do-no-harm is not one of their priorities
“I went through severe rejection my whole life. From severe bullying in school“- I figure that the school bullies’ priority was to assert their social dominance (power) by weakening you, rendering you powerless. It didn’t matter to them that you suffered.
“to getting severely abused by my ex-husband“- I figure that his priority was to rid himself of his stress/ tension (temporarily) by inflicting it on you. It didn’t matter to him that you suffered.
“After that I went for men who abused me, cheated on me, made a mockery of me, left me for other women“- I figure that their priority (in addition to the above) was to experience pleasure any which way, anywhere, anytime, with whomever. Again, your suffering did not matter to them.
“I hate myself more than anything in this world. I hate what I look like, how I sound, how I walk, how I breathe, how I eat – everything“- your priority is and has been for a while, to join those who abused you: to join the school bullies, the severely abusive ex-husband and the abusive boyfriends… to be on their side, against you. Your own suffering matters to you, but you believe that you deserve it.
“I feel so ugly and worthless and stupid“- you feel these things; you are not these things.
“I just wish I was good enough and that I were a butterfly – but I’m a moth“- you are a good-enough, beautiful butterfly! You just don’t know it yet.
“I’m just so desperate for answers… I hate myself and I’m still contemplating my life. The pain is just too much. I just need answers – because living with myself currently is hell. So if anyone can please help me – because it’s just getting too much“-
-The Answer is to no longer take the side of your bullies and abusers, and instead: take your own side. Make your very life and your health- your first priority. Follow the do-no-harm rule: no harm to yourself, no harm to others.
You say that living with yourself is currently hell. First thing to do is to get away from those fires of hell, and to find a cool space, a refuge, so that you can contemplate how to live ife (not how to die). Is there such a refuge for you?
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 10:49 am #411462pink24Participant
Woah woah woah LM. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. These a**holes aren’t worth it.
Have you tried therapy? Because it seems to me that picking abusive men may be a reaction to your past of being bullied (so sorry-that must have been so awful). Therapy may help you let all of that pain go. And by then, you’ll be in healthy place to pick someone who shares your values.
Please don’t throw yourself away. You reached out for help here–so there is a part of you that believes you’re worth it, which is good because YOU SO ARE WORTH IT.
Don’t let these jerks from your past define who you are. They suck. They deserve whatever comes to them. Just take care of YOU. That’s your job from no on. No men. No morons. Just YOU.
Sending you good energy 🙂
PinkDecember 8, 2022 at 10:15 am #411512anitaParticipant
How are you, LM? I hope to read more from you.