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Guilty as charged

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  • #405460
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hello friends. It’s been a while since I asked the wise people of this forum for advice, but the time is right =)

    So I am busting my rear end on all fronts. Gym, cardio (bike and hike almost daily), healthy diet, meditation, studying, searching for new job after being laid off, got all new furniture to make my place look a bit more fresh, trying to be a good son\grandson to my family (I became an uncle recently). I am in a monk mode type of attitude (from the red pill). I don’t really go out much. I have two good friends whom I see a few times a month, a few ladies I chat with on social sites, my family obviously and that’s it. It’s very hard not having a gf or a partner, not having intimacy or friendship, but I am OK with everything because I am working on myself to fix many other issues.

    My problem is the feeling of guilt. That I am 45 (almost). That I am not married (divorced) or in a loving relationship. That I don’t have a social life or circle of friends. That I am where I am now in life. I accept that situation I am in, but I can’t figure out how to cope with the emotions of the situation. I feel guilty, ashamed, like a loser, and just a waste of human space. It’s an awful feeling and so far I have no been able to find any coping mechanisms and I continue feeling like a low life loser. How do I accept myself as I am? How do I live the idea of “Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery”? How do I “radically accept myself” ?

     

    Thanks!

    Felix

    #405543
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    It sounds like you have a lot of good habits; exercising, meditating, studying, eating healthily, spending time with friends and family.

    You have a couple of good friends that you see a few times a month. Yet you say that you don’t have friendship, a social life or a social circle. How many friends would you like to have? It should be relatively easy to make friends by joining a hobby group of your interest.

    My concern is that does loneliness come from you and will it remain no matter how many friends that you have? Is this something that you feel at the moment because your time isn’t occupied by a job?

    You are very critical of yourself. This is a form of self-abuse. One way of learning to accept yourself is changing this habit.

    What helped me is repeatedly addressing the core belief when I’m feeling calm and therefore less likely to engage in critical behaviour.

    I would suggest writing down all of the things that you like about yourself. You could start small and perhaps focus on actions if you have difficulty with this. Try doing this when you feel better after an episode of disliking yourself. Please be patient and practice this regularly it will take some time to sink in.

    It can also be helpful to keep a list of compliments that others give you. This doesn’t necessarily mean physical compliments. If someone says that you are a good person or hardworking etc those are compliments too.

    Are you divorced? If so, was there a reason that the relationship ended? It could be pertinent since you are interested in dating.

    #405546
    pink24
    Participant

    Sounds like you have more than most people have. Enjoy it!

    I do agree with Helcat – why be so critical? Where does that come from?  As they say,  whatever darkness you have inside you, bring it to light, and it will soon disappear.

    Good luck!

    Pink 🙂

     

    #405551
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you for your replies.

    Yes, I have two very good friends, but I was referring to friendship with a partner. I’ve been divorced for almost 4 years and I miss having that best friend in my life. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to go through. I am an introvert of sorts, so it’s not easy for me to make new friends, but I am almost 45 and that’s obviously not old, but not as easy to make friends as when I was 25 =) Everyone has their own families, careers, etc. And on top of that I live in Los Angeles and everyone here too busy with their own stardom to give a damn. Very hard to meet people.

    I am critical of myself because at 45 I have nothing to show for the last 45 years. The idea just makes me sick. I am a good person, I have a dog whom I love more than anything. I love my family, even though they werent always good to me. I am lucky to be alive (I had cancer a few years ago). I have my own place. I am not desperate for money per say. Yet, I feel empty. I walk around the city and see people together and all I feel is pain and bitterness. I wish them well. I am not someone who wishes people bad things, but I am very envious of people who havent done anything and aren’t that special or bright, but had it so much easier in life. I consider myself to be an intelligent person. I have good taste in music, culture, food, etc., but somewhat an outcast because I don’t conform to the crazy superficial and materialistic standards of modern society. Even my political views are seen as odd (Socially conservative, fiscally liberal). I just don’t feel like I belong and while I love spending time alone, while I love driving to nature with my dog, being free, and def happy that I don’t have kids, I feel empty because I don’t have that circle of friends. Even that a small one. My friends are busy with their lives. My parents don’t reach out as much. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like I wasted my life and even though I am working hard on many things now, I feel like it’s simply too late to achieve some of my goals that should have been achieved 10-20 years ago

    #405576
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    You say that you have nothing to show for your life then list a lot of good things that you have going for you. Your dog, your friends, your family, you’re not poor, you survived cancer.

    You describe yourself as intelligent then suggest that other people aren’t special or bright and they haven’t done anything, yet things are much easier for them.

    Life is rarely what it seems. We all experience mental health issues, relationships ending, illness, abuse, redundancy, debt, death… The list goes on and on. Just because someone seems like they have an easy life, doesn’t mean that they necessarily do. I think I’ve only met one person who had a perfect life and they were 16 at the time. I’m sure their life now includes trauma, the same as everyone else’s.

    Other than being single and awaiting a new hob, it sounds like your life is going pretty well. Dating can take some time to meet the right person. People do say that dating gets worse as you get older.

    I would suggest that some of the feelings that you are experiencing could be due to depression. You may wish to liaise with mental health professionals. Otherwise, practicing compassion and gratitude could be beneficial.

    #405577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I know and I do absolutely appreciate the good things and I am thankful for absolutely everything I have. I am just so tired of being alone, being lonely, and being single that it’s affecting my mental health. You cannot begin to imagine this feeling and I wouldn’t want to wish it up on anyone. There is only so much self compassion, coping, and other techniques can do for you, but at the end of the day being single (while being mostly alone) for the last 5 years, is just overwhelming. I am not complaining about my life in terms of poor poor me or comparing my life to others, I am just desperately tired of being alone and single. When I get my haircut, for example, when she goes through my hair, it’s orgasmic (not in a sexual sense). I just miss closeness, intimacy, and friendship of having a life partner. I miss sharing my life with another human being. I am in therapy and it has helped me in many other aspects of my life, but this one subject of loneliness, well nothing has helped. Literally nothing. Just going to have to continue doing what I am doing and keep busy. Again, thanks for your words

    #405590
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Felix

    It’s good to hear that you have been in therapy and it helped in some areas of your life.

    I would suggest scheduling regular massages so you have physical contact. While you are searching for your life partner you may wish to pursue more casual experiences on plenty of fish.

    Lots of people end up without relationships for extended periods of time. I’ve been through that myself. It doesn’t have to be a negative experience. The people that are upset by this experience tend to not be comfortable with themselves. This is why self-compassion can be important. You may need to develop a more positive relationship with yourself.

     

    #405670
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    POF and other dating sites are awful for men =))

    It’s a fact. Unless you are in that golden 20% of top rated men (according to women), you won’t have much luck. Trust me, I’ve tried. I think the best thing for me to let go of that desire. It’s not healthy and I am just tired of dealing with narcissists. It’s absolutely awful and while I can be flexible on any other subject and not be annoying, but when it comes to dating, I think modern women are absolutely awful and have killed romance, love, marriage, family, etc. It’s my personal opinion and I know many men, personally and online, who are in complete agreement with me. That’s not to say that all women are like that, but many are. We’ll see. I’ll just keep working on myself in the mean time. Curious how women are going to treat me when I lost the last 30 lbs and start looking like I did in my 20s and 30s =)))))

     

    Again, thanks for all the advice

    #405770
    Helcat
    Participant

    I think modern women are absolutely awful and have killed romance, love, marriage, family, etc.

    This might explain why you are single. You need to adjust your attitude.

    #405771
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Very ignorant response. I stated my opinion which based on facts and life experiences. No need for you to reply. I don’t adjust my self according to women.

    #405949
    Helcat
    Participant

    Is it ignorant or is it a fact? The truth is that your prejudice was visible from the first message on this thread. Women pick up on these things and they intentionally avoid people with your mindset.

    I don’t even know why you would want to date a woman, since you hate them so much. You should probably bring this thread to your therapist. Good luck with the woman hating!

    #405979
    Roberta
    Participant

    Felix

    Who are you when you are at your best?

    Who are you when you are at your worst?

    No matter what age, shape. gender we are, we are all seeking happiness and want to avoid suffering and a lot of the time, a lot of people do this in unwise and unskillful ways.

    If you look at life in a positive way then you will see beauty & kindness in all sorts of people & situations.

    If you cultivate wisdom & compassion then life is interesting & fullfilling even when our desires are not met.

    Dharma Granny

    #405988
    anita
    Participant

    Hello Felix:

    March 23-30, 2021  “My mom was not there for me when I was a kid because she divorced my dad and instead chose to find her own happiness. She married a man who didn’t give a shit about me… my materialistic and superficial mom”.

    April 12: “I think the problem is that I’ve been alone for a bit too long. I’ve grown cold…  I haven’t felt any love from anyone in a long time. There is a saying in Russian, ‘A dog is only mean when it lives a shitty life'”.

    May 14-16:  “I would rather live in a socialist country or even go back to communist Soviet union than to have to live in this corporate America were greed is everything and humanity is nothing”.

    August 5-6:  “(My) anger at women that I am trying to process…. my anger goes deeper…  it’s irrational. I am thinking about taking some meds just to numb myself… I live in LA where you HAVE to be 6 feet tall, drive a BMW, and live in the hills, or women don’t even look at you… I am invisible to local women”.

    May 29-30: “Women are looking for some advantage, for a better option, and all that. I know it’s not how all women are, but in my head I have it stuck there that any woman, even the most decent woman in the world, is playing a game and will take advantage…

    “I am talking about our culture, western culture, modern feminism.. I’ve tried meeting women since my divorce, but there is always a game, a strategy on their part. What can I do for them? … all women only care about money, status, height, etc… it’s disgusting… I just can’t get over the idea that modern women have been given the permission by this new wave of girl power to be rotten at the core…

    “I want a relationship, badly, but I know how toxic my thinking can get and I understand I will never have a relationship if I continue with this type of thinking, but I am also right in many things I say and believe…  am I just too far gone?…

    “I simply do not trust women…My mom divorced my dad as soon as I was born and found someone who had status and money (considering it was USSR). So that’s why I don’t fully trust my mom…she still put her own ambitions over her husband and son… any woman, even the most decent one, can turn into a monster…

    “Not all women are bad, not all women cheat, not all women are like that, but any woman, even the most decent one, can be like that if it is advantageous to her… Women can be the sweetest angels, but then destroy your life. My uncle gave my aunt the world. She had everything, he slaved away, gave her two beautiful kids, money, house, travel, love, care, everything, and then she dumped him for some loser who made her tingle in the tummy, took all his money, his house, business, and eventually his life. Sorry, but not sorry. I am not bringing up based on hate, but based on life…

    “Women are two faced. It’s a fact, ask most women in the work force and they will tell you that they trust men more than they trust women… If a man is wrong, then it’s his fault If a woman is wrong, it’s because the man did something and he needs to apologize…Women cheat more than men could ever dream of. They actually passed laws in France that it’s not legal to do paternity tests because it may upset the balance of the family. Just another excuse for a woman to cheat … I’ve known too many guys who have been destroyed by women and who had lost their lives because of these women”.

    Aug 16-18 2021: “Anything I say after this will look like straight up misogyny… modern feminism is pure evil and not a single human being on this world or any other world could ever tell me otherwise..  Even good women are looking for HOT guys with fat wallets who can provide the kind of life style they want… I’ve seen the darkest side of humanity and to everyone’s surprise it came from women. Don’t get me wrong on men, men do terrible things, but I know when a men is a POS and when not. I know how to handle the worst men. But that’s not how a woman operates. The nicest most decent woman will turn into a monster if it benefits her narrative..  My ex-wife, who is sweetest person I ever met, on a dime turned into a monster whom I did not recognize..  I am just presenting some cold hard truths and facts”.

    March 2, 2022: “I am working remote this week as I cannot be in the office while ignorant Westerners smile and go on about their lives while WW3 is approaching… Russians in Russia are as brainwashed as the Germans were in WW2. I have so much anger and hatred towards them”.

    April 16-18, 2022:  “I don’t conform to the crazy superficial and materialistic standards of modern society… I am just tired of dealing with narcissists…  modern women are absolutely awful and have killed romance, love, marriage, family, etc.”.

    I will comment on these quotes, Felix, in a later post, maybe tomorrow morning- unless you prefer that I don’t, in which case, please let me know.

    anita

     

     

    #405995
    anita
    Participant

    Hello Felix:

    I realize that I didn’t present the quotes above all in order of time but they are all your quotes nonetheless, from March 2021 to August 2022.

    modern women have been given the permission by this new wave of girl power to be rotten at the core“- I am a woman, modern because I live the 22nd century which is currently considered to be modern times. Not that I chose to be born female, but.. here I am hated by you.

    Millions of people are hated for things they did not choose. Just as I didn’t choose to be born female in the second half of the 21st century, your ancestors and mine did not choose to be born Jewish in the first half of the 21st century, just in time to be hated and murdered.

    My mom was not there for me when I was a kid…She married a man who didn’t give a shit about me… my materialistic and superficial mom”-  it is a terrible reality that so many mothers choose men, romance and sex over their children. It is a far cry from the untrue advertisement that we are exposed in regard to what mothers and motherhood is supposed to be about (unconditional, uncompromising deep love for their children). More often than not, this is nothing but fiction.

    I’ve grown cold“- yes, you have grown cold and your hate makes me feel cold.

    I haven’t felt any love from anyone in a long time“- where there is hate, how can there be love.

    “There is a saying in Russian, ‘A dog is only mean when it lives a shitty life‘”- why make life shitty for others?

    I would rather live in a socialist country or even go back to communist Soviet union than to have to live in this corporate America were greed is everything and humanity is nothing”- I would move to and live anywhere where life is fair, where people share and where humanity is everything.

    I live in LA where you HAVE to be 6 feet tall, drive a BMW, and live in the hills, or women don’t even look at you“- I lived in LA most of my adult life. I would have been be fine and dandy with a 5’5” decent man driving a smart car who was  good to me.

    More later.

    anita

     

    #405997
    anita
    Participant

    Ooops, I lost count of the centuries: I live in the 21st century (2022), and world war 2 took place in the first half of the 20th century (1939-1945).

    anita

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