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Not entirely sure what he’s wanting?

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  • #405435
    Oceandrive24
    Participant

    Hi.. I’m a little confused and potentially reading into this wrong..

    My friends friend asked me out for a coffee a few weeks back. He and I met and chatted for a few hours then parted for the day. I got a message a few hours later saying how much he enjoyed my company, and could we meet again at my earliest convenience so he could take me to dinner. I declined, I was happy with cuppa now and again and being a mate, and told him I wasn’t interested anymore than being friends.

    He said he understood and looked forward to catching up again soon.

    He messaged last week to ask me out for coffee, and I said I’d get back to him which I did, saying that I can’t make this week as my dad is unwell, but could catch up the following week. He queried my dad, and I told him it was to do with mental health. He then said blokes find it easier to chat to other blokes and suggested perhaps he and I meet up along with my mum and dad and my two boys as it might help my dad to talk if theres another bloke there who’s a friend of his daughter.

    I just thanked him and said I’d keep it in mind and left the text conversation there.

    Thus morning I got this message..

    Hiya, look I hope you don’t think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you, I truly was trying to help. When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady. To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one for that matter, for reasons I don’t really want to discuss.

    But I am quite lonely and I know that’s probably my fault. I don’t like to go to places, walks or do very much on my own, but I do love doing them with company. I would love to do the aforementioned with you because you seem a happy person and I like your company.

    Well that’s what I was going to say had we been able to meet on Wednesday this week. My offer of help with your father is sincere but I won’t mention again unless you ask.

    Hopefully we can meet up soon. S x

    I’ve not a clue how to take this, or how to respond. I appreciate he feels lonely and he enjoys my company, but it all feels a bit full on?

    Any insight, suggestions or advice would be most welcome x

    #405437
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Oceandrive

    I would agree with you about it being full on.

    When I asked you out for dinner, it was to spend time with a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and lovely lady.

    I think this part is the most inappropriate to me. When you have already expressed a lack of romantic interest, attempting to flirt with you is not very appropriate. This individual may be socially inept.

    I would suggest to consider how you feel about socialising with this person? Setting some boundaries may be important.

    #405438
    pink24
    Participant

    RUN.

     

    Good luck!

    Pink 🙂

    #405447
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Oceandrive24:

    Good to read from you again, last been on April 2021. You shared today that you met a man for coffee a few weeks ago. A few hours after coffee, he messaged you, asking to take you out for dinner at your “earliest convenience“. You declined, telling him that you are not interested in being more than friends. His response:  he “understood and looked forward to catching up again soon“. A week or so later, he asked to meet you for coffee. You told him that you can’t make it at that time because you were attending to your father whose mental health was suffering.

    Next, he suggested to meet your father, your mother, your two teenage boys and yourself (6 people) so that your father will feel more comfortable to talk about his mental health issues (“it might help my dad to talk if there’s another bloke there who’s a friend of his daughter“). You thanked him and said you’ll keep his offer in mind. About a week later (this morning), he messaged you what he messaged you.

    I’ve not a clue how to take this…  Any insight, suggestions or advice would be most welcome“-

    -my best understanding as to what this all means is that this man is interested in you sexually and romantically, but (like so many people) his mental health is suffering, and therefore he is not able to go about what he wants in a way that makes sense (a way that is more likely to get him what he wants).  It takes a person’s ability to be honest with himself to either be able to be honest with another person, or to be able to lie effectively. I am guessing that he is not able to be honest with himself and the results: you are confused about what he wants and what he is about.

    His sexual and romantic interest in you was made clear when he displayed eagerness to have dinner with you and when he referred to you as “a beautiful, sexy… lady“. His lack of honesty is evident here: “To be totally honest, I am not looking for a romantic relationship or even a sexual one“.  Maybe a part of him is not looking for such, but the eager part is very much interested.

    I hope you don’t think I was being pushy and using your dad as an excuse to see you“- the eager part of him was pushy and used your father’s mental health issues as an excuse to insert himself into the three generations of your family (your 2 parents, yourself, and your two kids).

    I truly was trying to help… my offer of help with your father was sincere“- this could be a lie (meaning that he knew it was not true but said it anyway), or it could be that part of him was only trying to help and that this helpful part was speaking at the time.

    Clearly, his idea of the meeting was not well-thought of: a man suffering from mental health issues is more likely to open up in the company of one trusted individual and not in the company of 5 individuals, one of whom is a stranger who is not a medical professional of any kind. Maybe he came up with it impulsively and blurted it out.

    anita

     

    #405448
    anita
    Participant

    Adding to my post above: on April 3, 2021, you wrote,  “I need friendships that are nurturing and supportive and not draining, pressurizing or demanding“- attempting a friendship with a man who is not able to be honest with himself, a man who is therefore confused and confusing, will not be nurturing or supportive to you, and it will be draining.

    anita

    #405978
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Oceandrive24?

    anita

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