Home→Forums→Relationships→Friendship problems- replaced or growing apart?
- This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 3 months ago by Donovan.
December 10, 2022 at 8:44 am #411587IrisParticipant
I’m now mid-thirties and have remained close with friends I met in high school.. until recently. Last hear I feel like one friend has ‘poached’ all of my other friends, which has left me excluded from the group and somewhat shell-shocked.
For context, I have been best friends with Friend A since age 8- I was maid of honour at her wedding, and am godmother to her son. At age 16, I moved to a different school where I met friends B, C and D. I remained friends with all of them until last year. While they knew each other from events I would organise and invite them all to, usually I would hang out with friend A separately to friends B, C and D. A few years ago, friends A and B got married (to different people) and had babies at a similar time. As a result, they started getting more friendly, which I encouraged because i thought it was nice for them to have support from someone going through the same things. But in the past year, A and B have become much closer to each other than they are to me because they have bonded over both being married with kids and being professionally successful, whereas I am permanently single, don’t have a great job and have a health condition that prevents me from having kids even thought I would have loved to. When I told friend A that I felt hurt by the situation, she said she was going to be friends with whoever she wanted and if I had a problem with that I should talk to my therapist because it wasn’t her problem. That response stung- so I withdrew from friend A. Since then, friend A has gone on to also get closer to friends C and D, and now they all hang out as a group without me. Sometimes I am invited as an afterthought, but I do not attend because the idea of being with them all while they now clearly prefer each other is too painful.
I am still shocked that this has happened- I’ve lost my 4 closest friends in the last year. It feels like I have been ditched for being single, while they prefer to hang out with friend A who has kids, as husband and a good job to talk about. They all say I’ve brought this situation on myself, because they invite me to some events and sometimes reach out to me individually, but I choose not to see them because I feel so upset by everything. I’ve never had a problem with any of them having other friends before in the past 20 years, in fact I have encouraged them to hang out together many times in the past. But now I feel like I don’t want to be friends with people who have replaced me so easily with someone else who was supposed to be my best friend, because (it feels like) she is more successful than me. Am I being crazy? I’m trying to move on and make new friends instead but I feel so betrayed and it’s not easy to casually replace 20+ years of friendship. Would be grateful for anyone else’s perspective or advice because I’m going round and round over-analysing this situation myself!December 10, 2022 at 9:27 am #411606AnonymousGuest
I am sorry that you are feeling badly and “going round and round over-analysing this situation“- maybe an objective perspective will help make things clearer, and with clarity, you may feel better!
You shared that you are in your mid-30s, “permanently single, don’t have a great job and have a health condition that prevents me from having kids even thought I would have loved to“. You’ve been friends with A since you were 8. At 16, you moved to a different school, met friends B, C and D, and introduced them to A. When A married and became a mother, she and B, also a married and a mother, got closer to each other, something that you encouraged. But in the last year, they got even closer and you feel excluded.
“When I told friend A that I felt hurt by the situation, she said she was going to be friends with whoever she wanted and if I had a problem with that I should talk to my therapist because it wasn’t her problem“- if A responded this way to the first or second time that you told her that you were hurt by her closeness with B, then my goodness, how rude! Her response sounds fitting a situation where you repeatedly complained to her about her closeness with B, A tried to explain the situation to you, to comfort you and include you, but you kept complaining.. so exacerbated, A said what she said.
Is the case the former or the latter?
anitaDecember 10, 2022 at 12:28 pm #411686pink24Participant
You guys are growing apart. It’s totallly natural, particularly if your friends are married with kids. That changes everything.
But don’t worry! It happened to me too; it’s totally common. While it hurts now, just know that there are plenty of single people out there going through the same thing. Make new friends. Find a new job. Focus on living your best life – and move on from these people. Honestly they sound pretty rude. Would you even consider them ‘friends’ if not for your history.
History is overrated. I say ghost them.
Pink 🙂December 10, 2022 at 4:50 pm #411694Arie1276Participant
What do you mean by when you said you are “permanently single”?
Friends do grow apart. I had that happen to me also. People that are married and have kids tend to stick together. Join a singles group, make new friends who will value your friendship, but keep your circle small. Your friends were never your true friends if they hurt you that way. True friends would never do that no matter if you are single or not!
You are young in your thirties. Move on from those people. It will get better! Best of luck!December 21, 2022 at 5:42 am #412253DonovanParticipant
especially if you’ve previously struggled to trust people. If you’ve experienced trauma, it might be more difficult. Bullying, toxic friendships, emotionally manipulative relationships, and boundary-crossing are a few examples of situations that make it difficult and frightening for you to open up to someone.