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He left me for his mother and religoin

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  • #405035
    kajal
    Participant

    I was in a relationship for last 2 years. I am Indian (Hindu but i am not very religious person) and he is from Syria, we both are living in Germany.  He introduced me to his parents at the beginning  and they liked me. We were meeting and spening most of our time together, we both had home office so we cooked eat together. He became friend with my friends as well. However, 6 months ago we start talking about getting married and his parents start asking me if i will convert to Muslim?

    It was shock to me because in last 2 years they never told me to convert and even my bf never asked me to convert. Yes we were agreed that our childern will become muslim. I respected his reliogn always, I was fasting with him (ramadan for 30 days) celerbarting Eid etc. We had beautiful 2 years together, I love him so much and he was also very much in love with me. I was a always suopportive , kind and loving.

    When they asked me to convert i was shocked, it was not an easy question for me to answer. So i took some time but then told my bf that i wont convert and he should convence his mother that its difficult. He went to see his mother and tried his best but she never agreed.
    I called my mother to visit me in Germay and he was also planning to call his mother, so that our parent meet and talk about mariage. But befor my mother arrived I asked my bf that he should let me know if he will meet my mother and we will talk about marriage. But he respond me that his mother is not agrreed for our marriage, when he went to see his mother she convined him that because of culture difference its going to be very tough. our kids are going to meet my parent in future they will be influcened(as we are hindu).
    He told me his family is not agree and he cant leave his family for me. (which i understand, I don’t want him to leave his family but i wanted his to convince his family). So at this momemt i was very hurt because religin topic never came before in last 2 years. So I thought its not going to work and i told him to end things between us.He is very senstive man, he could not handled it and he was very sick and he told his mother about out converstion. His mother was very angry with me and told him to cut all the connections with me immediatly.

    But on the same day i was sick, crying, crying a lot and i was tring to understand why his parents wants me to be Muslim. I regretted my decision immedialty and I found out that I cant live without him. So i start asking him to get back together and told him i will do anything to be with him. I will convert to Muslim as well. But i was already late he was convinced with our breakup, so easily. Then after few days my mother came to Germany to see me. My parents didn’t know about us. So in these days I was so depress(Even i siad that if no marriage possibility then lets end the realion)

     

    He didn’t meet my mother, my mother stayed here almost 2 months. We didn’t have proper communication over this time. I was not feeling good these days, even i started thrapy because i felt i am depress. I could not spend good time with my mother. My mother saw in sad all the time, but i could not share with her what i was going through those days. The day my mother gone back to India, I met him again. We cried and cried and decided that we will again try to convenice his family as his mother was coming to see him as well.

    So even he refused to meet my mother, I hosed his mother for more than 2 weeks. But those  days were not easy for me. she never liked my cooking, she alwasy complained that I am not celaning and doing household shores, I am more concentrared to my work. I actually took week off because of her. I took her for shopping, even for Hokka bar(I myself did not like it). I troed my best to impress her. But she was all the time just complined about me to his son. She wants house wife who does household stuff only like coking and cleaning, she wants someone who does all the time makup. But unforunately i am wokring independent girl who does all househild stuff but not into makeup and all. My bf tried to convince her that he wants to have a working wife not house wife. Anyway, she did not give me answer till now that she likes me or not? I got irritated I asked my bf that he should ask her now what does se wants? he was avoiding to ask her, he was alwaays afraid that his mother gonna say No for marriage. But she liked to stay in my apartment because its nicer than his son’s apartment. One day i just asked her, she said she liked me, everything is ok but she will do a prayer and see what God wants. If she getts good vibe then we will marry, if she gets bad vibes we won’t. Even i was so dissapointed that one pray is going to decide my future ??? still i rescpected their religion.

    So after pray they said NO to marriage, she said she saw bad dream which means if we get married in 1 day, 1 moth or 1 years we wil get divorce. Is it fair? How can her mother predict future. She is also divorced, doesn’t her parents did this pyrarer before her marriage to see if they will divorce or not? I feel she is just dont want her son to hurt and she is tring to manuplate his son with religious thing because she knows his son is very religious.

    I Really don’t want anybody coz I can’t think of anyone else but I feel I’m torcherured emotionally by everyone how can I ask him to marry me when he keeps saying things like that which would affect his family.  I was very hurt am I such a bad choice for him for his mother to react that way.

    Day by day I feel he has changed a lot. Now he has come to a point where he doesn’t want me at all. t whenever I tell that he blames me saying I’m cursing his family. also he told me no matter what they say and do I need to keep my mouth shut without accusing cursing them.

     

    And now I am hurt others are moving on with their life. My bf said that he is also sad but he accepted the God doesn’t want us to get married and I should move on and find husband for me. But he wants to keep our realtion(he meant maybe staying friends). I can’t be frind with him, i cant leave him. I still love him wants to be with Him only. I am so depress, All the time sucidal thought come into my mind. I can’t accept the fact that how easily he moced on. He is taking Europe trips with his mom. And here i am crying in my room. He is saying that he is sad and hurt but why he is not taking stand for me(the girl who is ready to convert religion for him).

    #405045
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    It sounds like you’re in a very difficult situation but it is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. It’s very cruel that these issues have come up after 2 years together. It is such a shame that your partner isn’t standing up for you.

    I don’t believe the problem lies with you. The problem lies with his family. They sound very traditional and unfortunately it appears that there is a culture clash.

    I see two potential options. 1) Put yourself through a lot of pain and rejection on the slim chance they will change their mind. 2) Accept that they are unwilling to accept you. Look towards a new future and heal from this nightmare.

    What do you think?

    I wish you all the best!

    #405047
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kajal:

    You shared that  living in Germany, you (Indian, Hindu) had “beautiful 2 years together” with a man (Syria, Muslim). At first, he introduced you to his parents and they liked you. A year and a half into the relationship, at about Feb 2022, the two of you talked about getting married and he told you that his parents asked if you would convert to Islam. Your answer: no. You then asked him to convince his mother to agree to a marriage without conversion. His mother did not agree.

    Even though she did not agree, you asked your boyfriend to help and arrange a meeting between your parents and his parents, so to “talk about marriage“. He repeated that his  mother does not agree. Next, you broke up with him (“I told him to end things between us“), and as a result, he became “very sick” and told his mother about the breakup. His mother was “very angry with me and told him to cut all the connections with me immediately“.

    Next, you regretted your decision and told him that you will “do anything to be with him“, including converting into Islam, and you asked him to see your mother when she visits you in a few days. He told you that he was already convinced against a marriage with you and did not want to meet your mother.  During your mother’s 2-months visit to Germany, you were depressed and therefore you didn’t enjoy her visit. When your mother left back to India, you met him again and the two of you decided to convince his mother to agree to a marriage when she visits him in Germany.

    Next, you took a week off from work and hosted his mother in your apartment for more than 2 weeks because your apartment was nicer than his. She didn’t like your cooking or the way you did your household chores. One day, you “just asked her, she said… she will do a prayer and see what God wants… So after prayer, they said NO to marriage… Now he has come to a point where he doesn’t want me at all….  he blames me saying I’m cursing his family. also he told me no matter what they say and do I need to keep my mouth shut without accusing cursing them“-

    I have two questions, if I may:

    (1) Did you curse his parents in their presence.. or did you curse his parents when talking to their son?

    (2) You wrote early in your original post: “Yes we were agreed that our children will become Muslim“, but you refused to convert yourself because “it’s difficult“. Did you think that it will be easy for your children to live as Muslims?

    Back to your story:  “My bf said that he is also sad but he accepted the God doesn’t want us to get married and I should move on and find husband for me… I can’t accept the fact that how easily he moved on… why he is not taking stand for me (the girl who is ready to convert religion for him)“-

    – it is very difficult for a man in traditional cultures such as in India and in Middle East Islamic countries, to take a stand AGAINST his parents. I think that a man will take a stand FOR a girlfriend or wife IF she does not take a stand AGAINST his parents. When at first you refused to convert (which is absolutely your right), in his parents’ minds (or in his mother’s mind, you didn’t mention his father, or yours), it meant that you took a stand against them. When you cursed them, perhaps when talking to your boyfriend, it meant, in his mind, that you were taking a stand against them. Does this sound true to you?

    I wonder why his mother chose to stay with you for 2-weeks. I wonder if she stayed with you just because you had a nicer apartment?

    anita

    #405051
    kajal
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    thank you for your message.
    1)Did you curse his parents in their presence.. or did you curse his parents when talking to their son?
    I didn’t litterally curse, I just said that she is selfish and manuplatig her son by making it religoius issue. I was just dissapointed because she stayed with me, even she is talking to me from last 2 years then why suddenlly she decide that our future is not together

    2) You wrote early in your original post: “Yes we were agreed that our children will become Muslim“, but you refused to convert yourself because “it’s difficult“. Did you think that it will be easy for your children to live as Muslims?
    I guess so, even i dont not have issue now to convert to muslim, the issue is that even i am trying to chnage my whole identity still they are not ready to accept me. Why they were ok with me last 2 years.

    Not only 2 weeks she came back again for 1 week more, that week i asked her.
    Is it fair ?

    #405052
    kajal
    Participant

    Hi Helcat
    thank you for your message.  My partner isn’t standing up for you that why i am sad, depress. These 2 years meant nothing to him?

    #405054
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kajal:

    You are welcome.  “Is it fair?“- no, it’s not fair and unfortunately, life is largely unfair. As individuals, we need to make the best, wisest choices we can make every day so to make life a bit less unfair (or more fair) than it is.

    Looking back, would you have made different choices regarding this man in the first month of the relationship? Any different choices in the span of the two years relationship?

    I am asking this because maybe there are important things for you to learn from this experience. I am sorry that you are so upset and depressed and I hope that you feel better soon!

    anita

     

    #405060
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    On the plus side, it sounds like he has tried to reason with his parents multiple times. He cannot force them to change their mind.

    It is a very hard thing for any child to consider marrying without the support of their parents.

    I am not on the best terms with my mother, but I still wanted her there when I got married. For someone who has  a good relationship with their parents I would imagine it would feel like a betrayal to go through that without them.

    It is a very difficult, sensitive situation for all involved and I don’t think he would have kept trying to reason with them if he didn’t love you.

    Perhaps ending the relationship could be a practical way of him trying to protect you from more rejection, more suffering and wasting your time? I’m sure that he has seen how much these issues have hurt you. It was your own instinctual reaction to end the relationship initially too. I’m sure, you loved him even then. It is just the difficulty of the situation. Ultimately, his parents are traditional and there is a level of prejudice that comes with that.

    I think that this situation has nothing to do with who you are as a person. You had two wonderful years together. That is what you two created.

    With his parents in the mix, there is misery. Perhaps it is good to know this before getting married. They could make your life a living hell. It is not good to have that kind of stress in your life. Do you think it would go away if they begrudgingly accepted the marriage? Or do you think they would continue to treat you poorly? To avoid this, to marry you, he would have to give up his whole family. I don’t think it is an easy decision to make, with no positive outcome. He either loses you, or his whole family.

    #405072
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kajal:

    I re-read your three posts and am coming up with some new thoughts and possibilities:

    He introduced me to his parents at the beginning  and they liked me…My parents didn’t know about us“- I wonder why his parents knew about you in the beginning of the 2-year relationship, but your parents never got to know about him.

    “6 months ago we start talking about getting married and his parents start asking me if I will convert to Muslim? It was shock… Yes we agreed that our children will become Muslim. I respected his religion always, I was fasting with him (Ramadan for 30 days) celebrating Eid etc… When they asked me to convert I was shocked… (he) is very religious”-

    – (1) you knew that he was very religious and that his religion is Islam, (2) you FASTED the whole month of Ramadan (a Muslim tradition), (3) you celebrated Eid (a Muslim celebration of the ending of the 1-month of dawn-to-sunset  Ramadan fasting),  and  (4) you agreed that your children will be raised Muslim, and yet… you were shocked when his parents asked you if you would convert to Islam. When I first read that you were shocked, it immediately puzzled me greatly.

    we agreed that our children will become Muslim… I took some time but then told my bf that I won’t convert“- it puzzled me as well that you were okay with deciding that Islam was not right for you, but that it would be right for your future children. (You didn’t leave the decision to your children when they become old enough to decide for themselves).

    I love him so much and he was also very much in love with me…. So I thought it’s not going to work and I told him to end things between us. He is very sensitive man, he could not handle it and he was very sick“- it is possible that when the conflict between you and his mother arose, knowing that he is a very sensitive man who is very much in love with you, you figured that if you broke up with him, he will be so devastated, that his mother will feel sorry for him and agree that he marries you without conversion.

    and he told his mother about our conversation. His mother was very angry with me and told him to cut all the connections with me immediately“- his mother felt sorry for him, but she did not agree that he marries you. Instead, she got angry at you and wanted him to have no contact with you. If you indeed planned to manipulate the situation, you partly succeeded in that he was indeed devastated and witnessing his devastation, his mother felt sorry for him. But the plan backfired because the result was opposite to what you wanted: she wanted him to have no contact with you.

    But on the same day… I regretted my decision immediately“-  perhaps you regretted that your plan to manipulate the situation backfired.

    I hosted his mother for more than 2 weeks… She always complained that I am not cleaning and doing household chores…. But she liked to stay in my apartment because its nicer than his son’s apartment“- I wonder why she stayed in your apartment after she was so angry with you. Maybe her son was living in a crowded apartment with male roommates and it was therefore almost impossible for her to stay with him. Maybe getting a hotel room was too expensive, or she was trying to save the money it would take to rent a hotel room.

    I feel she is just doesn’t want her son to hurt and she is trying to manipulate her son.. I just said that (his mother) is selfish and manipulating her son“- maybe the two women in his life have been selfish and tried to manipulate him, and your manipulation brought you the result you did not want.

    “she is talking to me from last 2 years then why suddenly she decide that our future is not together”- you are asking for her reason after you clearly presented her reason: she asked you to convert to Islam and you refused.

    I am… Hindu… and he is.. Muslim“-

    hindu pedia. com/ what are truth and honesty: “Where there is truth, there is Dharma; where there is Dharma, there is light; and where there is light, there is happiness. Conversely, where there is falsehood, there is Adharma; where there is Adharma, there is darkness; and where there is darkness, there is sorrow… Honest means behaving with others in a truthful and in a straightforward way, not manipulate others or play with their emotions“.<sup id=”cite_ref-1″ class=”reference”></sup>

    Islam web net/ islam and honesty: “Islam orders the Muslim to be honest to himself and others… to tell the truth even if it is against his own interest, and orders him not to cheat or deceive other people. A Muslim is ordered by Allah to be honest in his words and deeds, privately and publicly alike… honesty is something you give and something you take.. A dishonest person.. causes a great disturbance or harm to one person or to a group of persons or to the whole nation… The Muslim is to be honest, internally and externally, privately and publicly, whether observed by other people or not, whether he acts or speaks”.

    anita

    #405073
    Helcat
    Participant

    I don’t think it’s fair to accuse someone of being manipulative when they temporarily break up when confronted with an ultimatum which means agreeing to essentially erase cultural identity. It is a massive thing to demand and only agreed to in the end because of emotional blackmail for fear of losing a partner.

    There are multi-religion households especially in western countries such as Germany.

    #405081
    kajal
    Participant

    Hi Ankita,

    – You didn’t leave the decision to your children when they become old enough to decide for themselves

    Nothing is in my hand, this was agreement between me and my partner. He wanted them to be muslim, it was important for him. He was ok for me being hindu as i am not very religios person anyway. And i was respecting his religion already.

     

    If you indeed planned to manipulate the situation, you partly succeeded in that he was indeed devastated and witnessing his devastation, his mother felt sorry for him. But the plan backfired

    when i said lets end the realtion intially, for me it was not temporary. My mother was about to come to visit me in Germany, and she already suspected that i am might dating someone. And till than my bf was not sure if this relastionship gonna work or not, so i ended because he clearliy mentioned “My parents are not agree and now not only relion they start takilng about cultural differences aslo. So it NO from me for marriage”.
    But after this seperation i was so depress, sad even i started thrapy. I didn’t know that it is going to so hard for me. I thought my mother will be here and i will recover from this breakup because of her presence.
    . I reaslised just because of religion thing i can’t loose him, i will convert. so I texted his mother and also him. After my mother gone back i met him. We both cried a lot and decided now again we will try to conince his mother. I didn’t try to manuplate. Yes i pressured him to get anser from his paremts before my mother comes. If i dont convert then their is no chnace of us getting married? I told him to convince his parents.

    I didn’t tried to mauplate him. I love him so much, i just could handle the breakup which i proposed initially.

    #405082
    kajal
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

     

    – There are multi-religion households especially in western countries such as Germany.

    I know i thought same, but when i got to know him better i get it that he is very religious. So i was agree that our future kids can become muslim.

    You know why i feel sad, i am trying to compromise so much because i love him so much. Why still his mother not accepting me?
    If she says look Kajal i dont like you, finish. She is saying I am ok but according to religion there is possibilty that you guys will divorce soon. We both are not ready to leave each other at this moment and trying tto compromise as much as we can then why in future we will not?

     

    She wanted me to becme muslim, i said yes to conversion. then what else i should do?

    I really love him.

    #405083
    anita
    Participant

    Dear kajal:

    What is clear to me is that you indeed feel that you “love him so much“, and that you wish that you were together with him.  His mother does not want him to be with you and he listens to her. I don’t think that there is anything that you can do about either her position or about him caring about her position. (There is no person more powerful over a boy than his mother because she was the one there with him when he was a baby and a boy, there during his young, formative years).

    It is time to accept and grieve the loss of your relationship. Love is still possible for you and it will happen for you, just not with him. Can you accept the ending of this relationship, as painfully as it is?

    anita

    #405086
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Kajal

    I don’t think there is much you can do.

    His mom might like you as a person, but she doesn’t think you are a good fit as a wife.

    She doesn’t like your modern non-traditional lifestyle. She doesn’t like that you are from a different culture. She doesn’t like that you stood up for yourself initially regarding conversion.

    She wants a submissive Muslim wife willing to raise children, cook and clean for her son. You are very much the opposite of what she wants.

    But this is not your fault. Your partner loves you for who you are. He accepts you and being with you makes him very happy. So happy that he has been unsuccessfully bargaining with his family for 6 months. Most people give up very quickly when met with resistance from family.

    His mother does not accept you and likely never will. She would prefer that her son be unhappy than with you.

    #405098
    pink24
    Participant

    Hello Kajal,

    Sorry you are going through this heartbreak.

    I have to ask–why observe Islam with him, and then be shocked when you are asked to convert? Did he observe your Hindu holidays or culture on an equal level? Is that why you were shocked?

    In any case, I  hope in the future you protect yourself more, and really think about what you’re willing to give to someone. It reads to me that you really loved him and so you were willing to do whatever for him  – a natural impulse –  BUT that you may not have loved yourself enough first to make him earn such grand efforts of yours. It sounds like you gave yourself away to him.

    Put yourself in his parents’ shoes.  Why wouldn’t they expect you to convert? You’ve already done so much for him in terms of celebrating his holidays, and you seemed ok with it. Conversion does sound like the next logical step.

    Religion is a deal-breaker for many, especially for Muslims who are religious  Please don’t give yourself away so easily next time. Save yourself the heartache. Respect yourself more and have more conversations with your next partner about such issues, before you set your expectations. Honestly, make the next guy work a little harder. Sounds like this one got too comfortable, too.

    Good luck….

    Pink

     

     

     

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