June 8, 2022 at 8:56 am #401951
Hello. I need help with this one. My fiance is from another country. We married through islamic law called a Nikah. I am not muslim nor did convert. He is but isn’t religious. He came here on a sports visa 3 years ago. We plan on getting married in a few weeks to make it legal here in the US. We both love each other very much. And no he isn’t using me. I have made that very clear and was upfront about everything. We are inseperable. His family is still there in his country. His brother, sister and mom. His mom fell ill. His sister and brother are constantly calling him asking him to return to help care for his ailing mother and to send money to help pay for her surgery. He does not have the money to send. He said even if after we are married he may not be able to come back here to the states unless i go and bring him back. I am not sure how all this visa stuff works. He works here. I am scared to death of him going home. I am financially unable to help with all the costs for his return if the need arises. I guess what im asking is if anyone on here has gone through this and what did you do about it the out come. Im so stressed and scared and I don’t want him to go there.June 8, 2022 at 11:59 am #401954
On March 13 this year, in your 5th thread, you were hurting over the ending of a 44 days (or so) relationship. On March 27th, in your 6th thread, you shared nothing about the man you are currently engaged to. I figure therefore that this new relationship is not yet three months old, and yet you are engaged to the man.
It may be that the guy you are engaged to at this time is the same man you shared about in your first thread on Feb 16, 2022, a guy you met in a dating site in November 2021. If this is the case, then you reconnected with him after the ending of the relationship with the second guy.
* To summarize, the guy you shared about in your first thread is from another country but lives in the States, he worked for his family’s restaurant and lived with a roommate. The two of you never went out or met each other’s family or friends, “it’s always my place or his”, you wrote. He repeatedly blocked you from his social media and phone and then like about it: “I did text him and he never got them cause he blocked me and acted like it was the phone doing it. This would go on for weeks… he’s cheating on me, or he has a girlfriend… I will never know because he will lie about it anyways… If he cared he wouldn’t be playing me like a fool”.
Is this the same guy you are engaged to now?
anitaJune 8, 2022 at 12:01 pm #401955
*correction of a typo: “he repeatedly blocked you.. and then lied about it”.June 8, 2022 at 5:55 pm #401966
no. This is a different man. This relationship is it for me. I know it seems like I jump from relationship to relationship quickly. But … this man is my true soulmate. I was not expecting anything quite like this. Compared to all the others. I do appreciate your tough love and advice . It’s hard for me at times to read them cause they are so true. I come here because I have no where else to turn to and my family and friends don’t seem to understand.
Right now I am having a hard time . He seems quite distant His mom is ill His family keeps bothering him. He works long hours We barely see each other Leaving me here home alone . He doesn’t know when to come home at times . Like tonight for example He told me earlier he was going fishing with his friend Which he did and sent me pics That was 2pm it is now 9pm and he is on his way home He had to drop his friend off at home When he does come home it’s only maybe an hour or 2 we spend with each other then we go to bed I cry every day . I’m not happy to be honest This isn’t a relationship to me And he seems to put me last instead of making me a priority. We talked about it several times and nothing has changed . We are engaged . We do love each other very much and ge tells me that I’m his love and his everything. I’m beginning not to even believe him anymore All I want from him is his time. I don’t ask for muchJune 8, 2022 at 6:53 pm #401969
Good thing that it’s not the same guy, that other guy didn’t read promising. I am sorry that you are having a tough time again. I wish you were happy or at least content and at peace.
You say that you appreciate my “tough love”, but I really don’t want to be tough with you anymore. I was tough I suppose but that’s not what you need.
First thing: it is a bad idea for you to go to any country if there is a possibility that you will not be able to leave that country and return to the US. I am reminded of the movie “Not Without My Daughter” with Sally Field: she and her daughter visited Iran with her Iranian born American husband, as tourist, but were not allowed to leave Iran and to return to the U.S.
Second, you’ve known him for less than 3 months. He may be a great guy, but it’s too soon to get too invested with him. You have a tendency to fall in love quickly and to abandon your intelligent thinking in favor of your emotions, letting emotions blindly guide you. It worries me.
anitaJune 10, 2022 at 3:07 am #402027
He left me. Yesterday morning everything seemed fine when I was leaving for work. He was still asleep. We kissed and hugged them I left for work. I texted him when I got to work good morning and I love you. 2 hours went by. No response. He is usually good at responding. So I called him. He was at Starbucks getting a coffee and told me he would call me back. I said ok I love you. He didn’t even say it back and hung up on me. Then later he texted me Hi can you talk. I said sure babe. He was at his cousins house. He texted me he couldn’t live with me any more. My heart stopped. I got all sweaty and hot. I called him. He said he couldn’t be with me anymore. He told me to keep my engagement ring. He packed all his stuff up and left me. His cousin told me when we got married through Islam (nikah) I refused to convert. He is from Azerbaijan. His cousin proceeded to tell me I treated him like a child which isn’t true. The cousin proceeded to tell me that he wanted kids and since we were 17 years apart I can’t risk a pregnancy. I’m 48 and he’s 31. He told me in the beginning age didn’t matter and he did not want kids at all . And now his cousin told me he wants kids and his family over seas do not approve of us being together and he wants a family. Cousin said he tried to tell me that but said I didn’t understand. I told the cousin that I was not aware I had to convert and he told me I didn’t have to. Cousin said that he isn’t used to someone like me being pushy and standing up for myself against an Azerbaijan man. They like to provide for their family and are not used to women like me . He said he loves me but he wants more than just love. I told his cousin he told me he didn’t care what anyone said about us as long as we were happy with each other and if wanted to get married we can. He wouldn’t even talk to me. He said he wants nothing to do with me and for me not to text or call him . I told his cousin to please talk to him and that we need to work this ouT. We were engaged!!!!! I am so hurt ! I don’t understand how he could do this to me. I tried calling and texting and I am blocked. He unfriended me on face book and changed his status to single. I feel some of this is my fault. I was upset with him about his job and him being with his friends more than me. He is living at his cousins house. I have no way of contact him or his cousin. His friend reached out to me and asked me if I was ok I said no. I explained everything and she said her and her husband will talk to him. Sue tried to call him but he wouldn’t answer her call either. I don’t understand how he can do this to me . We were going to get married. He was so happy. He said I was his everything and his first real relationship. He said he never was in a serious relationship like this. He was so happy with me. I don’t understand. I’m devastated. I miss him and want him back. I sent him a lengthy message on instagram but I don’t know if he saw it . I love him so much. I just want him back.June 10, 2022 at 6:27 am #402030
I am saddened to read that so much has changed, and in only 2 days: from living with this man and being engaged to him this past Wednesday => to living alone and unable to contact him today, Friday. No wonder you are devastated.
You will get through this. You will be okay.
I know that you want him back but chances for that are not promising because (1) you’ve known him for only 3 months; the relationship was rushed, happening in the speed of light: within 3 months he moved in with you and you got engaged,
(2) the two of you are from two very different cultures/ religions with:
* different cultural expectations in regard to female vs male roles (“His cousin proceeded to tell me I treated him like a child… he isn’t used to someone like me being pushy and standing up for myself against an Azerbaijan man”)
* in his culture, the family has to approve of a marriage if it is to take place, and his did not (“his family overseas do not approve of us being together”),
* a family, in his culture, is unlikely to approve of a marriage between a younger man and an older woman who cannot get pregnant (“his cousin told me he wants kids”).
You wrote in your original post two days ago: “His sister and brother are constantly calling him asking him… to send money… He does not have the money to send… I am financially unable to help him for all the costs” – there could have been a financial motive on his part to having moved in with you and having gotten engaged, and since you can’t financially help him enough.. he left.
There are different forms of intelligence, Arie: some people are intelligent academically and practically in some ways, but not when it comes to romantic relationships. Having read your previous threads as well as this one, I can see how you can improve your Romantic Relationship Intelligence (I’ll refer to it as RRI).
Feel free to post here anytime, to express your feelings, to vent, and if and when you are willing to talk about the topic of RRI, I’ll be glad to have that conversation.
anitaJune 11, 2022 at 12:16 am #402241TommyParticipant
Immigration visa for a married spouse. If you are a citizen and if this is the one then get married. Then apply for his immigration visa. Before 9-11-2001, this could take up to 6 months to get approval. Now it can take up to three years or more. Covid-19 is also making things take even longer. If he is able to work here and stay for an extended period?? then his story doesn’t make sense to me. But, I do not know everything that is going on here (and maybe you also may not know). After five years living here on a visa, he can apply to become a citizen.
However, I am thinking about what Anita said. She makes very good observations.June 11, 2022 at 10:22 am #402285pink24Participant
Is your fiance from the Middle East, or somewhere close by even? If so, I can say as a woman of Middle Eastern descent it is very difficult for a man to leave his culture–no matter how Westernized he may appear. Marriage to those in the culture is not just about love, as your fiance said. This sounds like it is much bigger than you, and I do hope you find peace in the fact that he is not subjecting you to his culture. Expectations of women are much different, and he may have felt you would not have been happy, even though he isn’t saying so.
All the best
Pink:)June 12, 2022 at 5:40 pm #402323
He is from Azerbaijan. He moved here 5 years ago on a sports visa. We met on facebook dating. I am an american. We dated for 2-3 weeks and had a Nikah ceremony. He loved me dearly. He worked long hours trying to help provide for us. I work full time also. My family loved him. And he loved my family. He talked about us going to his country to visit next year so i could meet his family. I met his family via face time. And they absolutely loved me and could not wait to meet me. They told him they were happy he finally met someone normal and he absolutely adored and loved . Things were going great until recently. His mom fell ill. Needs surgery. Family kept calling and fighting with him to come back or send money over for her surgery. He just started getting distant and not coming home til late and we argued about him coming home late several times. Then that Thursday morning he left me while i was at work . He no longer wants any form of contact with me and now has blocked me on every social media platform we both were on, including texting and whatsapp, and fb messenger. I am and still in complete shock. I had a conversation with his one friend who is married to his friend. We became close. She told me she thinks it was not his family telling him that they did not like me and did not approve. She strongly feels it was his friends.
He tried to subject me to his culture. Which i loved. I loved learning about him and his family and his culture. I loved it. I learned their dance and everything. Except I did not convert to muslim.
What are the womens expectations? I was there for him , I cooked for him, we did things together even with my family and his friends. He made me happy except when he would come home late and he would tell me he was with friends earlier in the day. The night before I expressed how i felt he was treating me and i had every right to be upset and felt that i was forgotten about , and how he was putting me last and not a priority and that actions spoke louder than words. Well he didnt’ like what i said. I felt maybe if i didn’t lash out at him and tried to be more supportive he would have stayed. I dont know.
I have a serious question tho. Our nikah ceremony -we were give a written paper with wittneses signatures on it including ours and the date. I had it on my fridge and he took it. Are we still married? And how does that work since we are no longer together. Do i need to do anything? Technically we are still married?June 14, 2022 at 6:48 pm #402433
I didn’t want to try and answer your questions of two days ago (right above, your most recent post) because they were addressed to another member. How are you?
anitaJune 15, 2022 at 6:45 am #402452
Im still not doing good. I miss him terribly. Everyday I wish he will unblock me and contact me and come back. I dont understand how he can just walk out of my life like this. He has been trying to date other women from what i heard since he left me and too me he sounds desperate. I have lost 10 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I have not been sleeping well or eating much. I feel empty and my heart is very heavy and i feel kinda anxious. I think its because we were in love and engaged . But he chose his friends, family and his job over me because he didn’t like being “pushed” to come home to me when he was out late and his friends may have persuaded him into finding someone else. I pray everyday for him to come back. Im just an empty shell trying to survive. This is the most hardest relationship i have ever had in my entire adult life to try to get over. i just dont know what to do anymore.June 15, 2022 at 6:59 am #402454
You are suffering greatly and I hope that you will be feeling much better sooner than later.
“I don’t understand how he can just walk out of my life like this” – he walked into your life… how long ago, when did you first know that he exists?
I am asking because I thought that you met him for the first time about 3 months ago, but in your post before last, you wrote that you “dated for 2-3 weeks” before the Nikah ceremony… so I am thinking that you met him for the first time a month ago, or a bit over a month?
I am trying to understand your suffering in the context of how long you’ve known him. I have more to say about the Nikah ceremony and other things. I hope you reply first.
anitaJune 15, 2022 at 7:21 am #402456
I met him April 1 2022. Then everything went quickly leading to the nikah marriage and then engaged and now him being gone. We did the nikah 2 weeks after meeting because we both felt right about each other. We were planning on getting legally married in august. We were going to get our marriage license last Saturday. We planned on going to New York in July. And I almost got my passport so we can go visit his family in Azerbaijan next spring. Now he’s gone. Now I don’t know what to do about our nikah ceremony we did. Are we still married under Islamic law or not ?June 15, 2022 at 9:40 am #402460
You met him April 1, 2022 (which happens to be April Fool’s Day). Two weeks later you had a Nikah ceremony performed. The evidence of the ceremony: a piece of signed paper that you put on your frig (no photos, video, other recorded proof?). He moved in with you a few days or a week after meeting you for the very first time. Two months later, June 9, he took the signed paper off from your refrigerator and moved out, taking the signed paper with him. He then blocked you from contacting him. Altogether, he was in your life for two months and 8 days.
You wrote and asked in 2 posts: “Our nikah ceremony -we were given a written paper with witnesses signatures on it including ours and the date. I had it on my fridge and he took it. Are we still married?… Do I need to do anything?.. Now I don’t know what to do about our nikah ceremony we did. Are we still married under Islamic law or not?” –
– Clearly you are not legally married because a marriage license from the state where you live was not obtained. In regard to being married under Islamic law, best that you visit a mosque and ask your questions there.
From what I casually read online, a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry a non-Muslim man, but a Muslim man is allowed to marry a non-Muslim woman. Also, it can be simple to conduct a Nikah ceremony, not much is required to make it happen and it can be done at home.
Eukurd daily. com/ Annulment of marriage in Islam, reads that “a second class of divorce” can be obtained without the interference of any judicial system. Shiite Islam lists 7 reasons why a husband can divorce his wife, among which are: if the wife is insane, if she has leprosy, if she is blind, if she is physically handicapped, and “Any permanent condition of the womb which prevents her from pregnancy” (which is true to you, being that you are 48). A wife has the right to divorce her husband if he is insane, “If the sexual organ of the male is cut off”, and if he “is impotent (and unable to obtain Viagra)”.
There is “a third type of divorce in Islam”, granted if “the wife thinks that she can not fulfill her duties as wife… e.g., if he is missing”. (You can claim this one because he is.. missing from your life).
It also reads: “If the husband utters these words, ‘I divorce you‘ once, twice or three times, regardless of his intentions, the fact that he uttered them will be grounds for divorce… whether he was drunk, angry, passionate or just a slip of the tongue, he just divorced his wife. The divorce is permanent if he uttered the formula three times“.
According to what I read today, he doesn’t have to do anything to end the Islamic marriage via the Nikah ceremony: he took the piece of paper with him and if there is no other evidence that the Nikah ceremony took place, he can forget about it. (You shared that he is not religious). If he wanted to do something to void the ceremony, according to what I read, all he has to say (to you, I am guessing) is: “I divorce you” three times.
* By the way, Arie.. is this all real, this story, it really is.. a true story? It is almost unbelievable… although truth is stranger than fiction at times, so I’ve heard.