December 7, 2022 at 8:55 am #411459
Since my last post a lot has happened. Within the past months, my ex the one who left me moved to florida. Well he came back. We reunited on August 19th, 2022. He told me he came back for me. He couldn’t stop thinking about me because had too many memories with me and no matter how hard he tried to forget me . He couldn’t. So, that same day we both never wanted to be apart . We got our marriage license and we on Sept. 6th, 2022 in front of a judge. He apologized for everything. We found an apartment closer to the city and moved in together. We set a wedding dinner date 20 days later with all his friends and my family at a nice restaurant. Now here is or was a problem that i did not like. The day of our dinner , we had to go to the air port to pick up a friend of his. He had failed to tell me that his friend was a she and that they had been friends for a few years. I did not like this. She lives in another state. She seemed nice. She is divorced and has several kids. So we were kind enough to set her up in a hotel for the night and take her back to the airport the following morning. My husband failed to tell me that he asked her to come and help with the dinner . We arrived at the restaurant that evening. Everything seemed fine. Guests were arriviing, food was being served. But here is when the problems started. My husband never hardly sat down. He was too concerned about the food being brought out, which i understood. But that was not the problem. The problem was his friend. She kept following him around like a little lost puppy. I was by that point getting irritated. In his culture i guess the groom stands outside greeting guests. So i kept going outside and telling him to come in. She was out there too greeting guests. Few of his male friends were out there and they were all talking. I asked why is everyone out here when you should all be inside. She said it is custom for the groom to greet the guests. I said well shouldn’t I have been informed by all of this? She said my husband should have told me. I said well you all need to come inside because thats where our guests are. Then i turned to her and right infront of his friends outside I said ” Who do you think you are standing out here with my husband when i should be here? Who’s wedding dinner is this? Your’s or mine sweetheart? I suggest you go inside and sit and mind your own business and let me and my husband handle everything. NOT YOU!” His friends mouths dropped and he said ok lets go inside. So she sat beside my mom and did not move the rest of the night. I was fuming. Then he went to check on the food and i followed. My face was beat red. He asked if everything is ok. I said no. I told him I do not like what just had happened and she needs to stay out of everything because right now I am so upset and could cry. He said for me to calm down. Then everything was ok after that. We cut our cake, danced, took pictures and she stayed away. The next morning we picked her up at the hotel and drove her back home to her state . My husband and I got a hotel there in that state becuase we wanted to see some sites. So we stopped at a rest stop and he got out. It was just me and her in the car. She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous. I said oh no im not jealous. I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder. I told her I did not appreciate anything about what happened at our dinner. So he got back in the car. We drove and dropped her off at her place . Then we left and went to our hotel . We stayed for a few days sight seeing and had a nice time and came home. Everything was and is still going great except for a few minor things. We were out and about one day and she happened to call. I heard the conversation. She asked how he was and she has not talked to him in a while . He told her he is out with me. She was asking him to help her find a place for her friend to live in our city. Oh that rattled my nerves right there. I said why is she calling and her asking you to help find a place for her friend is not your problem, thats their problem. And when we got in the car i told him how i felt about her and how it made me feel. I asked him to delete and block her from everything. So when we got home. He handed me his phone and I did just that. I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails. I told him when i first met him i deleted all my male friend contacts becuase I want no drama period! He agreed.
So few months passed. I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers. He never noticed. He has access to my phone and i hide nothing. I know it was wrong for me to do that. So things have been good . Then he was accessing his phone in front of me and he changed his password. I asked him why. He said “too many ppl know it” I looked at him with a puzzled look. He never answered my question. I told him not to hide anything from me. He said he isn’t. Then i found some texts on his apple watch in his language. I can’t tell if the number is female or male. I tried to translate, but some doesn’t make sense. Am i being over dramatic ? He tells me all the time he loves me and im his world and when we aren’t together he misses me. Why do I feel the way I do? Ive been so hurt and traumatized in the past from men ghosting me, cheating on me, etc and its effecting me even now that Im married to my husband. Do I talk to him about how I feel?December 7, 2022 at 11:19 am #411463
I am glad to read from you again, welcome back to your thread.
“We reunited on August 19th, 2022… We got our marriage license and we (went) on Sept. 6th, 2022 in front of a judge“- C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S !
A bit of history and update: you met him for the very first time on April 1, 2022. At about April 15, the two of you had a Nikah ceremony performed (a marriage under Islamic law, not under U.S. law) . He moved into your apartment sometime in April 2022, and he moved out on June 9, 2022, taking the signed Nikah ceremony paper with him. He then blocked you from contacting him. On July 7, 2022, you sent him a message in the only place where he didn’t block you, and you started communicating again. You learned that he was living in Florida. On August 19, 2022 the two of you reunited in the state where you live, and the two of you found an apartment together. On September 6, 2022 the two of you went in front of a judge and got legally married. You set a date- Sept 26, 2022– for a wedding dinner in a nice restaurant for the two of you, his friends and your family.
“Now here is or was a problem that I did not like..“- you found out the day of the dinner that one of his friends who was to attend the wedding dinner was a divorced mother who lives in another state. During the dinner, your husband greeted guests outside the restaurant, as is the custom in his Muslim culture, and his woman friend stood next to him greeting guests alongside him while you attended the guests inside the restaurant.
I have two question: (1) Before and during the wedding dinner, outside the restaurant: was it only your husband and his female guest greeting the other guests, or was it your husband and all his friends greeting each other? (2) Do you know if it is the Muslim custom for the husband and wife to greet guests outside a restaurant, or is the custom that only the husband greets guests?
If it was only your husband and this one female guest greeting all the other guests, then you rightfully asserted yourself when you told her: “Who do you think you are standing out here with my husband when I should be here? Who’s wedding dinner is this? Yours or mine sweetheart?“- a bit rough but again, if she alone stood by your husband greeting guests, she had no business doing that: it was not her guests and not her party!
Next, “We cut our cake, danced, took pictures and she stayed away“. The next morning, alone in the car with her, “She puts her hand on my shoulder and said she and my husband are just friends and for me not to be jealous. I said oh no, I’m not jealous. I just protect what is mine and for her to take her hand off my shoulder. I told her I did not appreciate anything about what happened at our dinner“- a bit rough, but again, I can’t get the image of her alone greeting your guests alongside your husband outside the restaurant: if that was the case, it was a crude and rude behavior on her part, and it was crude and rude on your husband’s part to allow it!
“I asked him to delete and block her from everything. So when we got home. He handed me his phone and I did just that. I deleted and blocked her from everything , including every social media and emails… So few months passed. I had access to his phone. I went in one night while he was asleep and deleted all these old texts from women before me and blocked all of them and deleted their numbers… Am I being over dramatic?.. Do I talk to him about how I feel?“- Normally, I’d say it’s wrong to do what you did when you deleted his phone records when he slept, but in this case, I don’t know because I have no idea what’s going on in his mind: how he thinks, what he values and believes in.. etc. The two of you have a language barrier and you don’t talk enough, as I understand it, so I don’t know if you adequately know how he thinks, what he believes in and what he values. Do you?
anitaDecember 7, 2022 at 11:48 am #411468
Yes it was his female friend and my husband greeting guests outside before the wedding dinner. It is custom for the bride and groom to greet the guests, not her. I was not made aware until that very moment. And yes it was crude and rude behavior on both of their parts. If I would not have said anything , it would have continued. Til this day it bothers me and I am trying so hard to get past it. I told him she didn’t respect our boundaries. There are boundaries and when someone over steps them like she did, then yes…..I had every right to lash out at her in front of his friends. I might add, the look on their faces was priceless lol.
He values his friends. Which I have no problem with because they are all male. And I have met them all including their wives and girl friends, and their children. He does not like to keep secrets, but I feel by him changing his passcode and an odd number and a text popped up which i tried to translate via google. He can tell I am not myself lately because of what i saw.
When he got his new phone , he failed to delete all his old ex’s. So thats why i took it upon myself to do that without him knowing.
We do have a language barrier issue. Sometimes he doesn’t understand what Im trying to tell him or vice versa. He is very big on family. Family is the most important thing in his life along with his friends. I know We dont’ talk enough. When he asks me if Im ok. I lie and tell him Im ok or Im good even when Im not.
Do I casually ask what that number was and who it belongs to? Because when i get texts or if my phone rings he wants to know who it is and what they said. Fair is fair. Am I right or wrong?December 7, 2022 at 12:53 pm #411473
“Yes it was his female friend and my husband greeting guests outside before the wedding dinner. It is custom for the bride and groom to greet the guests, not her“- so she deserved every word you said to her. I wasn’t there but the image of her greeting guests alongside your husband infuriates me! I figure she didn’t respect you and that’s why she did it.
“I had every right to lash out at her in front of his friends. I might add, the look on their faces was priceless lol“- your words were powerful and witty, I am impressed! I am imagining the look on their faces…
“And yes it was crude and rude behavior on both of their parts“- why did your husband allow it?
“Til this day it bothers me and I am trying so hard to get past it. I told him she didn’t respect our boundaries“- did you ask him why he allowed her to greet guests alongside him? If you asked him, what did he say?
“him changing his passcode“- I can’t blame anyone changing their password after their old password was used to go through their phone history without their knowledge or approval.
“When he got his new phone , he failed to delete all his old ex’s. So that’s why I took it upon myself to do that without him knowing. We do have a language barrier issue. Sometimes he doesn’t understand what I’m trying to tell him or vice versa… I know We don’t’ talk enough. When he asks me if I’m ok. I lie and tell him I’m ok or I’m good even when I’m not“-
– there are trust issues, and language and communication issues in the marriage.
“Do I casually ask what that number was and who it belongs to? Because when I get texts or if my phone rings he wants to know who it is and what they said. Fair is fair. Am I right or wrong?“- if he asks you, you can ask him, that’s fair.
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 9:43 am #411509
How are you, Arie1276, anything new?
anitaDecember 8, 2022 at 6:40 pm #411535
i didn’t even ask him who that number belonged to because that person happened to call while we were in the car together and it was a male friend of his. I asked him who was calling and he didn’t want to tell me at first. I said you always ask who is calling or texting and fair is fair. So he told me it was his male friend.
I just hate feeling so Leary when his phone rings or gets a text. I hate feeling the way I do and I don’t know what to do about it.December 8, 2022 at 6:58 pm #411536
I wish you did not have to worry at all when his phone rings and that you trusted him 100%. It’s tough when you don’t speak his language and he speaks little of yours (English). It’s a bit like being in the dark, not knowing what is going on, isn’t it?
anitaDecember 10, 2022 at 4:33 pm #411693
I do wish I didn’t have to worry. The incident at our wedding dinner party triggered some things, so yes, I do have a hard time trusting him 100 %. I have been trying to keep the bad things that has happened to me in the past in the past! Things like being ghosted, lied to, cheated on, mentally and verbally abused by a narcissist at one point in my life. So i do have some trust issues. And I have been trying to heal from those things. We love each other very much and we are very open and honest about everything. But he has no idea about some of those things that has happened to me. I am not sure if he would understand if I did tell him. I am learning to deal with my trust issues. I just wish I didn’t have those issues.
Thing is, he has no blood family relatives here at all. They are all over seas. He has friends here. Many he considers “brothers”. Their wives are “sisters”. Very few of his friends speak english. I do understand my husband well. Problem is that I don’t understand his friends. So, when we all get together for dinner or tea or coffee, I sit there not knowing what is said. He is my translator. They are very nice people and very generous and hospitable. And yes I do feel left in the dark not knowing what is being said. They could be talking about me or not. So, I do feel a bit uncomfortable. All I do is sit there and smile at them. I do want to learn their language. I do know simple words. But, not fully yet.December 10, 2022 at 7:40 pm #411697
I’ll reply Sun morning.
anitaDecember 11, 2022 at 8:46 am #411714
“I have been trying to keep the bad things that has happened to me in the past in the past! Things like being ghosted, lied to, cheated on… So, I do have some trust issues“- the key to trusting him is not solely to heal from past trust issues, but to separate the past from the present for a moment, and look for real-life present-time evidence to trust him.. or not.
“We love each other very much and we are very open and honest about everything… Very few of his friends speak English. I do understand my husband well. Problem is that I don’t understand his friends. So, when we all get together for dinner or tea or coffee, I sit there not knowing what is said. He is my translator. They are very nice people and very generous and hospitable. And yes I do feel left in the dark not knowing what is being said. They could be talking about me or not“-
– In search for evidence to trust him, or to not trust him, I ask: (1) How can you and him be very open about everything when there is a severe language barrier between the two of you?
(2) You say that you trust him but you don’t trust his friends, suggesting that they may be talking about you unfavorably in their own language. If they talk about you unfavorably between themselves.. then your husband is participating in such talks, and he is as untrustworthy as them, isn’t he?
anitaDecember 13, 2022 at 4:47 pm #411808
Good evening Anita,
The language barrier isn’t severe. He speaks English well. Well enough for me to understand him and him understand me. Its just when he speaks to his friends in his language. As of today, I am in the process of learning turkish online. As for him participating in them talking about me, I have no clue. He usually sits with the men and I with the women. But the women don’t talk to me in english much. So i usually sit there in silence. But I think he will tell me if they talk about me. Its just frustrating at time.s
It is so hard to put the past in the past and just concentrate on the present and look at the real time evidence. I am trying to put that all behind me.
He also drives people from point A to point B for a living. So he leaves when i do in the morning for work. Then he comes home in the afternoon and will sleep, eat dinner and then go back out to work and will work til usually late. That is how he makes his money. In his culture the men provide for the family, so he works a lot. I work full time during the day. So i am home alone mostly in the evenings and on weekends in the evenings unless we are invited to meet friends or family or just go out . It gets quite lonely. I have family that is almost an hour away that I will visit few times a week. I have no friends here where we live. I mostly stay home when i come home from work. It gets quite lonely and i cry a lot because I wish he had a different job where he came home at a normal time and didn’t work weekends. He talks about going back to school for a different career path, but I don’t push the issue because he doesn’t like to be pushed. I think he will figure it out eventually and do it on his own. So…yes…it gets lonely. He knows all this except he doesn’t know i cry or I wish he had a different job. Some of his friends do the same type of job too and they have families. Its just frustrating at times.December 13, 2022 at 5:29 pm #411810
Good evening to you, Arie. I just wish you were not alone and lonely this evening, as in most evenings: “I am home alone mostly in the evenings, and on weekends in the evening… It gets quite lonely… and I cry a lot because I wish he had a different job where he came home at a normal time and didn’t work weekends”-
– it sounds paradoxical and maybe weird, but it works, so I will suggest it: if you stop wishing that he had a different job, and that he would be home in the weekends, you will not hurt so much. It is the wishing for what we don’t have, and sometimes for what we cannot have, that is making us miserable.
There is an emptiness in your heart when he is not there, right? And you want/ wish for that emptiness aka loneliness to be filled. It is the very wanting and wishing for it to be filled that brings the pain. Try to be at peace with the emptiness. It is possible to be at peace with emptiness.
“He talks about going back to school for a different career path, but I don’t push the issue because he doesn’t like to be pushed. I think he will figure it out eventually and do it on his own“- not pushing him = loving him, I am impressed! Giving him the time to figure it out on his own.. that’s a loving thing to do!
Post here at any time you feel lonely, maybe it will help.
anitaDecember 22, 2022 at 4:36 pm #412447
I hope you are well, Arie1276, 3 days to Christmas Day!
anitaDecember 23, 2022 at 4:50 am #412462
Hi. Merry Christmas! I am doing well. I do have a few things to figure out about some things. But they will have to wait until after the holidays. Have a Merry Christmas and Happy new year!December 23, 2022 at 6:45 am #412492
Thank you, good to read that you are doing well. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year back to you. I hope that you will figure out the things you need to figure out in 2023!