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  • #413087
    anita
    Participant

    And… it is the second day of a brand new year, Arie1276. I hope that this year brings more Clarity and Calm to you!

    anita

    #413237
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita.
    Happy New Year!

    Well so far this year has not been a pleasant one. My son ended up I the hospital but is doing well now.  He lives with his dad and brother.  They are both older and in college.
    Anyways that isn’t the reason why I am writing.
    My husband decided to work out at the gym again because he is an ex MMA fighter and has put on about 20 pounds.  He either goes in the morning for 3 hours or will go in the evening for 3 hours and sometimes he will go to work after his evening workout.   He is a Uber driver.  I now know not see him if I’m lucky for a few mins in the morning or an hour or 2 in the evening or sometimes I’m asleep by the time he comes home cause he works late at times.   I am feeling like he isnt spending enough time with me.  I feel like I’m being pushed aside .    And when I’m on the phone with him, if his friends call he will tell me he will call me back.  Shouldn’t I come first before his friends?   I am beginning to feel so alone in our marriage .  When I asked him what he does at the gym. He says he runs for an hour, does weights and goes into the jacuzzi for 20 mins and then showers and leaves.  But 3-4 hours at a gym?????????? I work full time, come home , clean up after him cause he’s messy, cook dinner i which he doesn’t even eat because he says he does not want to feel full before he hours back out to work or goes to bed.   I do all the laundry , grocery shopping.  He spends little time with me on weekends too cause that’s when he makes the most money.  I can’t visit friends or family often cause I’m an hour away from them. So I basically sit at home and sometimes I just get so down that I cry.    He can tell I haven’t been myself lately.  And all I tell him is that I’m ok but actually I’m not ok.

    #413241
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    Thank you! I wish you had a better beginning of this year. Good thing your son is doing better, so that’s one positive thing. In regard to your new husband, in this new year- not good. I understand why he would want to work out in the gym and that lots of uber driving takes place at night and in the weekends, but I also understand that you are alone most of the time and you feel lonely.

    I am feeling like he isn’t spending enough time with me“- it’s not just a feeling, he really isn’t spending enough time with you, not even close to how much time you want to spend with him.

    And when I’m on the phone with him, if his friends call, he will tell me he will call me back. Shouldn’t I come first before his friends?“- yes, normally, unless a friend of his is experiencing an emergency of some sort.

    But 3-4 hours at a gym?????????? I work full time, come home, clean up after him cause he’s messy, cook dinner, which he doesn’t even eat because he says he does not want to feel full before he goes out to work or goes to bed. I do all the laundry, grocery shopping“- this is a woman’s traditional role in some cultures (outside the fact that you work full-time): the man goes out and about, doing what he needs and wants to do; the woman stays home and provides the man with a neat, clean place in-between his comings and goings.

    He can tell I haven’t been myself lately. And all I tell him is that I’m ok but actually I’m not ok“- maybe you should tell him that you are not okay..?

    anita

    #414079
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    i am having major trust issues.   I feel like I only trust husband only 85%.   I saw his new passcode when he was getting into his phone.   I know the code to his Apple Watch.  And I go into that daily  while he’s sleeping.  Some of his numbers don’t have names and I ask him about those and he tells me they are guys which happens to be true because he will call them and his friends answer. The other morning I came across a number I didn’t recognize on his watch.   I screen shot it with my phone along with the texts that were in Turkish.  There was an instagram photo of a woman that was sent my husband.   There was no mention of the woman in the conversation.  I translated every thing via google translate.  So I called the number later during the day and a man answered.    Why a picture of this woman was sent, I have no idea.  I confronted my husband last week about who’s numbers are those etc. he told me he is not cheating cause he doesn’t want problems or drama and he loves me too much cause he respects me and I’m his wife etc, and for me not to question him again.
    So this morning I went on his watch again .  On his fb messenger I found a msg from December. He msg some girl over his country “Hi”.  She didn’t respond.  I went on her fb page and she is single.  Why he would do that I don’t know and I’m so suspicious now of everything.    While he was sleeping I went into his phone and deleted her and blocked her from messenger and Facebook.    Why is he doing this?  He tells me I’m his everything, his best friend, his love . I went as far as looking at his contacts.   I know people delete conversations so I have no clue if there is anyone else.   How do I approach this to him ?   He will get upset if I ask him again .   He always tells me he doesn’t like secrets……. But yet why was there a msg there to this woman ?  He doesn’t like it when I keep things from him and he always asks who calls me or texts me all the time.   I don’t know what to do!

     

    #414085
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I kept reading your recent post waiting for the big discovery, that he is cheating on you, or something like that, but didn’t get there. One “Hi” message to a woman who is single, is not evidence of anything: it could be a girlfriend of one of his male friends, right?

    I can’t tell of course anything much about your husband’s character, other than it seems like he is hard-working and he cares for his friends a lot.  Is he still spending hours at the gym, plus working nights and weekends and you hardly see him?

    anita

    #414087
    Arie1276
    Participant

    No she isn’t a friend of any of his friends that I am aware of.
    my husbands character is very family oriented and he is hard working.  He will come home early from work and tell me he missed me .  He’s very attentive to my my needs.  Very affectionate and we talk about everything, except I can’t talk to him about what I found.  We spend as much time together as much as we can cause he works long hours .   He does spend about 3 hours at the gym.  He runs for an hour , then does weights and will sit in the hot tub , shower , then goes to work or comes home after.  When I do call him to ask him about something related to home or groceries it’s noisy in the gym, and when he is working he is driving or calls me back right away.  I asked him why our pictures together isn’t on his instagram or on his profile page on Facebook.   He told me it’s because in his culture the husbands or boy friends do not post pictures of their wives because they don’t want other men to look at their women.    All of his friends know we are married because he has it on his fb page.  I also found that the woman from our wedding dinner was following him on instagram so I blocked her too from his page.   These women have no business trying to co fact my husband.  Friend or no friend.   There are boundaries and once over stepped, I will not hold anything back.

     

     

     

    #414088
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    You are a tough wife, Arie: I wouldn’t dare being part of your list of “These women have no business trying to co fact my husband” (what is “co fact”?), wouldn’t dare to provoke your ire, that’s for sure. It seems like your husband is indeed affectionate, attentive, family oriented and hardworking,  a good guy all around. Maybe if you stop spying on him (phone, apple watch, etc.), you will be in a better mental shape…?

    anita

    #414095
    Arie1276
    Participant

    I meant contact my husband.  Lol not co fact 🤦🏻‍♀️

    I want to stop spying but when I get a gut feeling I go with it.  I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious.    And when I met him I deleted and blocked all my male friends  and I told him I expected the same cause I saw what it can do to a relationship from past experiences with my friend’s relationships with their husbands and boyfriends and it wasn’t good.     So how do I approach this ?

    #414096
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I started re-reading your thread and started a longer, research post for you, which I will continue Thurs morning and submit a post for you then, with my best answer to your question.

    anita

    #414119
    anita
    Participant

    <p class=”elementToProof”>Dear Arie1276:</p>
    * If the following will include excess print, I will re-submit it.
    <p class=”ContentPasted95″>You are an American woman (48 or 49). He is an Azerbaijan man (31 or 32) who moved to the U.S. in 2017 on a sports visa. You met him for the first time on April 1, 2022. After dating for two weeks, the two of you went through a private religious (Muslim) marriage ceremony, which in the U.S. has no legal implications. You planned on getting a marriage license in June 2022 and get legally married in Aug of the same year.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted95″>Original post, the morning of June 8, 2022: “Hello.  I need help with this one.  My fiancé is from another country.  We married through Islamic law called a Nikah. I am not Muslim nor did convert.  He is but isn’t religious. He came here on a sports visa 3 years ago. We plan on getting married in a few weeks <strong class=”ContentPasted95″>to make it legal here in the US.”- you stated that (at least one of) the objective of the marriage is to make it legal for him to live and work in the U.S.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted95″>Azerbaijan is a country located between Eastern Europe and West Asia;  east of Turkey. It proclaimed its independence from the Soviet Union in Aug 30, 1991. Ninety seven percent (97%)  of the population are <em class=”ContentPasted95″>Cultural Muslims.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted95″><em class=”ContentPasted95″>Wikipedia on Cultural Muslims and Azerbaijan: “Cultural Muslims are religiously non-practicing individuals who still identify with Islam due to family background… the term ‘cultural Muslim’ came into use to describe those who wished their ‘Muslim’ identity to be associated with certain national and ethnic rituals, rather than merely religious faith.. Azerbaijan is considered the most secular Muslim-majority country…  A Muslim is one born to a Muslim father who takes on his or her parents’ confessional identity without necessarily subscribing to the beliefs and practices associated with the faith…about 1% of the Muslims in Azerbaijan..  said that they attend mosque once a week or more… According to a 2009 Gallup Poll, Azerbaijan is one of the most irreligious countries in the Muslim world, with about  54% of respondents indicating the importance of religion in their life as little or none.”</p>
    Wikipedia/ Azerbaijani Americans: “According to the U.S. Census 2000 data, the Azerbaijanis who immigrated from Azerbaijan have settled primarily in New York (12,540),  New Jersey (4,357), Texas (3,178), California (2,743), and Minnesota (1,559).

    The night of your original post, June 8, you told him a few things: “The night before I expressed how I felt he was treating me and I had every right to be upset… and how he was putting me last and not a priority..  lash(ed) out at him“.

    The day after, June 9, 2022,  “He packed all his stuff up and left me.. I tried calling and texting and I am blocked. He unfriended me on face book and changed his status to single… We were going to get married. He was so happy. He said I was his everything and his first real relationship… I don’t understand”.

    On July 7, 2022, you reached out to him in the only place where he did not block you (Instagram messenger), and the two of you reconnected. He told you at that time, in his broken English: “You nice girl, a nice man, a nice person will come in your life… I’m sorry.  You have so nice life…. I’m sorry. I no can give you a good life I don’t want us to stay anymore together“. During that exchange he told you that he was no longer living in your city and state, but in a different state: Florida. In the same month the two of you continued to communicate and he told you that “He is now in Florida training for his MMA fights and working long hours doing Uber/Lyft“.

    On Aug 19, 2022, he returned to your city and state and the two of you lived together once again: “He told me he came back for me.  He couldn’t stop thinking about me because had too many memories with me and no matter how hard he tried to forget me” . You got your marriage license on sept 6, 2022, and set a wedding dinner party for later that month.

    Fast forward 4 months and he is still very busy with work and the gym, you are lonely and suspicious of women who may.. basically steal him away from you. I suggested that you stop spying on him, and in your recent post, you wrote: “I want to stop spying but when I get a gut feeling I go with it. I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious… So how do I approach this?“-

    – my answer: approach your spying on him as an addiction, an addiction that is fueled by your jealousy, jealousy that was established in your mind-and-heart before you ever met your husband. Think of the spying as an addiction that needs to be stopped. You can use the AA 12-steps, substituting “spying” for “alcohol”. Or some other program designed for addictions. What do you think?

    * One more thing: as I read about his culture, I realized how super important hospitality is to his culture, and that gave me a different understanding (a way less suspicious understanding) of the woman-friend of his who greeted guests outside the restaurant during your wedding dinner party. There are other aspects of his culture that suggest new meaning to his behavior, a more positive meaning. It is amazing how important it  is to integrate cultural understanding when trying to understand a person.

    anita

     

     

    #414121
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitting:

    Dear Arie1276:

    You are an American woman (48 or 49). He is an Azerbaijan man (31 or 32) who moved to the U.S. in 2017 on a sports visa. You met him for the first time on April 1, 2022. After dating for two weeks, the two of you went through a private religious (Muslim) marriage ceremony, which in the U.S. has no legal implications. You planned on getting a marriage license in June 2022 and get legally married in Aug of the same year.

    Original post, the morning of June 8, 2022: “Hello.  I need help with this one.  My fiancé is from another country.  We married through Islamic law called a Nikah. I am not Muslim nor did convert.  He is but isn’t religious. He came here on a sports visa 3 years ago. We plan on getting married in a few weeks to make it legal here in the U.S.”- you stated that (at least one of) the objective of the marriage was to make it legal for him to live and work in the U.S.

    Azerbaijan is a country located between Eastern Europe and West Asia;  east of Turkey. It proclaimed its independence from the Soviet Union in Aug 30, 1991. Ninety seven percent (97%)  of the population are Cultural Muslims.

    Wikipedia on Cultural Muslims and Azerbaijan: “Cultural Muslims are religiously non-practicing individuals who still identify with Islam due to family background… the term ‘cultural Muslim’ came into use to describe those who wished their ‘Muslim’ identity to be associated with certain national and ethnic rituals, rather than merely religious faith.. Azerbaijan is considered the most secular Muslim-majority country…  A Muslim is one born to a Muslim father who takes on his or her parents’ confessional identity without necessarily subscribing to the beliefs and practices associated with the faith…about 1% of the Muslims in Azerbaijan..  said that they attend mosque once a week or more… According to a 2009 Gallup Poll, Azerbaijan is one of the most irreligious countries in the Muslim world, with about  54% of respondents indicating the importance of religion in their life as little or none.”

    Wikipedia/ Azerbaijani Americans: “According to the U.S. Census 2000 data, the Azerbaijanis who immigrated from Azerbaijan have settled primarily in New York (12,540),  New Jersey (4,357), Texas (3,178), California (2,743), and Minnesota (1,559).”

    The night of your original post, June 8, you told him a few things: “The night before I expressed how I felt he was treating me and I had every right to be upset… and how he was putting me last and not a priority..  lash(ed) out at him“.

    The day after, June 9, 2022,  “He packed all his stuff up and left me.. I tried calling and texting and I am blocked. He unfriended me on face book and changed his status to single… We were going to get married. He was so happy. He said I was his everything and his first real relationship… I don’t understand”.

    On July 7, 2022, you reached out to him in the only place where he did not block you (Instagram messenger), and the two of you reconnected. He told you at that time, in his broken English: “You nice girl, a nice man, a nice person will come in your life… I’m sorry.  You have so nice life…. I’m sorry. I no can give you a good life I don’t want us to stay anymore together“. During that exchange he told you that he was no longer living in your city and state, but in a different state: Florida. In the same month the two of you continued to communicate and he told you that “He is now in Florida training for his MMA fights and working long hours doing Uber/Lyft“.

    On Aug 19, 2022, he returned to your city and state and the two of you lived together once again: “He told me he came back for me.  He couldn’t stop thinking about me because had too many memories with me and no matter how hard he tried to forget me” . You got your marriage license on sept 6, 2022, and set a wedding dinner party for later that month.

    Fast forward 4 months and he is still very busy with work and the gym, you are lonely and suspicious of women who may.. basically steal him away from you. I suggested that you stop spying on him, and in your recent post, you wrote: “I want to stop spying but when I get a gut feeling I go with it. I told him in the beginning not to do anything that would be suspicious… So how do I approach this?“-

    – my answer: approach your spying on him as an addiction, an addiction that is fueled by your jealousy, jealousy that was established in your mind-and-heart before you ever met your husband. Think of the spying as an addiction that needs to be stopped. You can use the AA 12-steps, substituting “spying” for “alcohol”. Or some other program designed for addictions. What do you think?

    * One more thing: as I read about his culture, I realized how super important hospitality is to his culture, and that gave me a different understanding (a way less suspicious understanding) of the woman-friend of his who greeted guests outside the restaurant during your wedding dinner party. There are other aspects of his culture that suggest new meaning to his behavior, a more positive meaning. It is amazing how important it  is to integrate cultural understanding when trying to understand a person.

    anita

    #414435
    anita
    Participant

    I hope that you are okay, Arie1276?!

    anita

    #414445
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Anita.
    I am doing ok.   I will write soon.

    #414446
    anita
    Participant

    Good to read back from you, Arie1276, even if it’s only (counting.. ) 10 words. Write again when you can and have a good night!

    anita

Viewing 14 posts - 61 through 74 (of 74 total)

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