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fiance is from a foreign country

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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 45 total)
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  • #403700
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    What an amazing update: he kept saying that you are a nice person… sounds like he is not angry at you, that he doesn’t have any complaints about you, and that he is confident that the separation had to happen. I wish that you don’t miss him forever, at least not painfully. I understand that you are in pain currently and I am sorry that you are hurting.

    anita

     

    #403701
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m sorry for your loss. Sadly, it’s not the first time I’ve heard of your situation occurring. In fact, it is rather common for cross-cultural relationships. There is a strong drive to marry someone from their own culture that their family approves of. Yet, while living in a different country men still desire sex and relationships.

    My guess is that since you wanted to make the marriage legitimate, this pushed him to leave you. This might be difficult to hear, but you have repeatedly asked for the truth and this is often the truth of these situations.

    It is important to be very careful to protect yourself from people who try to develop intense relationships very quickly. The motive is frequently not genuine.

    Perhaps the bigger question is not why he left. But why you ignored these warning signs which were present from the beginning?

    It is important to remember that you were unhappy in this relationship. You previously wrote about being neglected. Perhaps you will learn to protect yourself in romance as a result of this relationship ending?

    #403703
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    July 9, 2022 (exactly a month since he left you): “People keep telling me it was too fast, it was only 3 months together.  Yes that may all be true… But those 3 months we were each others everything, inseparable basically”.

    June 8, 2022 (the day before he left you): “He works long hours   We barely see each other.  Leaving me here home alone… I cry every day. I’m not happy to be honest. This isn’t a relationship to me.  And he seems to put me last instead of making me a priority… he tells me that I’m his love and his everything.  I’m beginning not to even believe him anymore“.

    July 9, 2022: “People keep telling me it was too fast, it was only 3 months together….. he loved me enough to leave me because he felt he couldn’t provide for me and give me the life I deserve.  I will miss him forever” – you make believe that he left you not because he didn’t love you, but because he did love you so much that he had your well-being on his mind, not his. You make believe that his very act of leaving you was an act of love and therefore you will miss him forever.

    This kind of make-believe is called Emotional Reasoning: you want to believe that he loves you, so you make believe that he loves you in spite of contradictory evidence.

    anita

    #404335
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Anita

    He reached out to me again the other day and we keep talking back n forth.  He is now in Florida training for his MMA fights and working long hours doing Uber/Lyft.     He still keeps saying we can be friends.   Why do ex’s want to be friends with the girls they broke up with?   Its very confusing for me.   I want to get my hopes up but I know if I do , I will be back to I was the first day.   He kept asking about my family and how they were, how I was doing in which i was very honest with him about.   He asked about my dad’s garden.  In which my ex loved to look at.   He msgs me everyday.  He said he might be coming up to visit , but will stay in a hotel in the city and told me I can go see him there in a few weekends.   He was telling me all about his training and about work.  I asked him if he was currently dating and he said no and askied if I was.  i told him no.  He asked why and I told him exactly why and how I  still have feelings and loved him.  He asked if i missed him and i said yes.  And he sent a smile emoji.    He asked me if i made lasagna cause that is his favorite thing i made for him.   Then he called me mamacita.  I don’t know what that means.    Then he said he knows he broke my heart but hes working a lot now and if I want we can stay friends.    Then i didn’t reply back to him for an over an hour and he msg me asking me why it took so long for me to reply.  I was busy.   So I am so confused.  I want to see him when he comes here .  I am not sure how things will turn out when i see him or what will happen.   I feel he misses me.    I’m just so confused.   Part of me wants to believe he will get back together with me and the other part is so confused.

    #404337
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    I’m really sorry that this is dragging on for you, extending your heartbreak.

    My understanding is that he is staying in a different state from you? Has he expressed an interest in moving back? Otherwise it sounds like he wants to establish a casual relationship where he uses you for sex.

    It is very easy to be polite and express interest in people’s lives. Personally, I wouldn’t trust his intentions. Because he wants to have sex, doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together.

    #404340
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I will be able to read and reply in a few hours. Please keep yourself as calm and rational as you can be, continue to not let yourself be carried away with his friendliness.

    anita

    #404342
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    It occurred to me, that in a traditional relationship (only) 3 months. Hooking up is pretty normal. You’re both really strangers. In my opinion, what made him run was the idea of getting married after 3 months. Would you be open to slowing things down and having a more traditional relationship where you take the time to get to know each other without the pressure of legal commitments at such an early stage?

    #404344
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    He pushed for it.  In his culture if man and woman feel right about their love for each other, then why wait.  Which is true.  But i have been in traditional relationships before this and none led to marriage.   I tried to slow it down but then i realized i did truly love this man with all my heart and soul and it felt right.   But if he wants to take things slow since we are in different states in which i have no idea how that will work unless he moves back or i move there, then im willing to do that.  That is a lot to think about.

    #404345
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Anita

    I dont think its all about sex.   I will talk to him face to face which is better than text in my opinion.   I want to know what his intentions are.  He and I have a lot to talk about.   He asked me to visit him in florida and to stay with him.   It sounds tempting.   But i will wait til he comes here in a few weeks.  Only time will tell.  He still knows i love him very much.

    #404350
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    I don’t think it’s all about sex“- I am not the member who suggested that it was about sex, or that it was all about sex. But I will not be surprised if sex is part of his interest in friendship with you.

    Why do ex’s want to be friends with the girls they broke up with?   Its very confusing for me“- how about asking him, his answer can give you the clarity that you need. I very much dislike being confused, so I take every opportunity to ask questions and gain clarity. Also, it is easy to take advantage of a confused person, so clarity is very important.

    Then he called me mamacita.  I don’t know what that means“- it means “little mother” in Spanish.

    I want to get my hopes up but I know if I do , I will be back to I was the first day… He was telling me all about… And he sent a smile emoji.    He asked me if I made lasagna cause that is his favorite thing I made for him… Part of me wants to believe he will get back together with me and the other part is so confused“- you have to find out what his motivation is, what is it that he wants from you, or with you before you get invested in any one assumption.

    I will talk to him face to face which is better than text in my opinion.   I want to know what his intentions are.  He and I have a lot to talk about“- prepare for that conversation, type out questions to ask him, so to become clear about his  motivation or motivations..

    He asked me to visit him in Florida and to stay with him.   It sounds tempting.   But I will wait till he comes here in a few weeks.  Only time will tell.  He still knows i love him very much“- better you don’t travel to Florida and wait for him to visit you, like you plan to do. I understand that you love him very much, it’s just that you don’t want your love to be used against you. Please post again with any updates or questions.

    anita

    #404358
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Did he push for legalising the marriage? Or did he only push for the Nikah ceremony which isn’t enforced by law. My understanding is that some men not all, use the Nikah ceremony as religious permission to have sex with an individual.

    I agree with Anita about finding out his intentions. Good luck figuring everything out! You do indeed have a lot to think about.

     

    #404361
    Arie1276
    Participant

    Hi. Helcat

    He was the one pushing nikah which i was taken by surprise .   But it wasn’t for sex at all.  It was not like that. It was so he could live with me.  We did love each other very much.  I think he still does .  I am so confused .  I have never in my life had an ex that wanted to be friends with me except for my ex husband from a previous marriage  who i have children with.   But yes i will find out what his true intentions are.  Who knows, he may be confused himself too.

    #404362
    Arie1276
    Participant

    I also wanted to note that legalizing the marriage did not push him away.  That was all he talked about. Us getting married and having the wedding and reception at his one friends very nice restaurant and she was all prepared in letting us use her establishment.  what pushed him away was that he told me he could not provide for me financially the way he wanted and he felt horrible about it and told me i deserve a better life with someone who can.   It was not family or friends i was finally told.  It was him who wanted to focus on his mma career and work more and more hours.   I had lashed out at him few times about coming home super late and not seeing him except on fridays and sundays .   Sometimes he would go out to work on sundays too .  I keep thinking about me lashing out at him about it pushed him away.  Then I am thinking maybe it wasn’t the reason why.  The real reason i think is because of his career, his trainer is in Florida where he wanted to move to.  But leaving me the way he did was very immature and cruel.  I am still confused, my heart is still heavy, and i still feel empty.  Him coming back to visit our city in a few weeks makes me feel anxious because I don’t know what to expect

    #404364
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Arie

    Sorry, I think I actually misread something that lead me to falsely believe that he left shortly before the marriage was arranged. I have memory issues and it is hard to keep track sometimes.

    It sounds like there is a lot going on. However it turns out, I hope you get some closure.

    #404372
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arie1276:

    what pushed him away was that he told me he could not provide for me financially the way he wanted..  I had lashed out at him few times about coming home super late… I keep thinking about me lashing out at him about it pushed him away… Him coming back to visit our city in a few weeks makes me feel anxious because I don’t know what to expect”- plan for his visit: (1) plan to not lash out at him when he visits no matter what,  (2) plan the locations you will be meeting with him, (3) prepare questions to ask him, including questions in regard to what pushed him away.

    You can do your planning right here on your thread, if you want.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 45 total)

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