March 3, 2022 at 12:12 pm #394151
You are welcome. I feel very good reading that you feel that I am a safe place for you, thank you for saying that and for your empathy. Once again, after reading a post from you, I feel that I have a lot to say, but I need to feel more focused before I say more. This is a serious topic for me, an emotional topic, one that took so much energy and time out of my life.
Feel free to add anything you want to add, if you do, before I return to you later today or Friday morning.
anitaMarch 3, 2022 at 12:24 pm #394153
Awww Anita. Thank you SO much for your time. Please know that the pain you endured in your life is now serving to change mine. Maybe that’s the silver lining in all of this mess of life.
You speaking about your past experience that way you did – the shame, the guilt–makes me feel unashamed, and safe to do what is best for me. I know, I mean I KNOW what is best, but your words crystallized it for me–it’s the emotional self, that’s who I HAVE to take care of. With both you and Honeyblossom, I feel supported now. Before now, I knew I’d had enough. But now I feel like I have that bit of support I need to carry me–you know how that is? When it’s just a couple of people saying the right things at the right time, and that’s just enough to push you on?
Thank you. Again, never underestimate an online forum. I’m really glad I reached out. You did a lot of good. Maybe it’s healing for you too?
Pink:)March 3, 2022 at 12:56 pm #394154
“Maybe it’s healing for you too?” – yes, it is, Pink, therefore, I say: you are welcome and thank you. I will be back to you Friday morning. Have a good rest of the day!
anitaMarch 4, 2022 at 12:11 pm #394260
“I have to respect the abused girl in me. That’s the most important thing. Why do anything that sickens her?” – whenever you feel empathy for your mother, for your father, for any of your sisters, for any other person, and you are about to do something for their sake (example: call your mother), think- is this thing that I am thinking of doing, is it doing right by the abused girl in me? If it’s wrong for her- don’t do it.
If something needs to be done, and the way to do it is wrong for the girl in you (let’s refer to her as little pink, let me know if you prefer another name), do it in a different way, a way that does not sickens little pink.
Let’s say you decide to have no contact with your mother forevermore. Little pink is likely, at one point or another (and it may surprise you) to miss her mother, to feel guilty and therefore, suffer. When this happens, you may wonder, maybe I am not doing right by little pink having no contact with my mother, if it was right by her, she wouldn’t be suffering. And then, to relieve her suffering, you might contact your mother. And then, following perhaps a temporary relief, your suffering will continue… for as long as you have contact with your mother.
When the above happened to me, the adult part of me took charge. I talked to the child, asked her questions, listened to her answers, communicated with her gently and patiently. And as a result, the child/ I felt better, every time!
I used to think that if I had no contact with my mother, my mother would suffer for it. I didn’t want her to suffer! What helped me the most was when I realized that I had things backward: it was me all along who was suffering because my mother wasn’t there for me. It was me who needed her all along, and didn’t have her, not the other way around.
I used to incorrectly think that she will be so happy if I contacted her again. But then I realized that through all the years that I lived with her, she wasn’t happy… even though I had lots of contact with her, I was right there, available to her, focused on her, loving her. All the years when I regularly called her and visited her, she was not happy. So… why would I expect her to be happy if I renewed contact with her now?
I had it backward: I needed her all along, I was desperate for her all along, I loved her… not the other way around. It wasn’t her loss, really, to have no contact with me, because I didn’t really mean much to her. That was a mind-boggling realization on my part.
I used to think that if I cut contact with her, she’d desperately chase me, plead with me to contact her. Fast forward, more than 8 years of no contact, and no such thing. Hmmm… the desperation all along was mine, not hers. I incorrectly projected my desperation into her.
“I think there is so much shame in this society when it comes to cutting off contact with one’s mother” – there is a very strong social taboo against cutting contact with one’s mother in all cultures, more in some than in others.
“I feel guilty though, like I wouldn’t have wasted so much energy had I completely cut off contact earlier” – I wish I had cut contact with my mother when I was 20. I would have saved myself decades of dysfunction and misery. I would have been able to help myself and other people, all these years and decades, instead of hurting myself and others.
I felt a similar guilt to your guilt, for not having done it earlier, and as a result, having wasted so much. What helped me feel better about all that waste is that the waste in my life is not the exception but the rule. Waste is everywhere, and in every human life. It is a human tragedy, not my unique, individual tragedy.
anitaMarch 15, 2022 at 9:32 am #395219
How are you, Pink???
anitaMarch 19, 2022 at 12:33 pm #395689
Still annoyed, thanks. Putin is horror show.March 19, 2022 at 1:15 pm #395690
It is a tragedy, another human tragedy of massive proportions. I hope it falls short of a third world war and a nuclear disaster. I hope for better news soon.
anitaApril 6, 2022 at 7:24 am #397154
Does anyone else feel like we’re headed towards WWIII? I’m in America, and it feels like the calm before the storm.April 6, 2022 at 8:21 am #397156PeterParticipant
I feel like were learning the wrong lessons and regressing, Reacting to situations instead of responding to them.
War is absurd, and this conflict particularly so. Its a lose lose for everyone except for the few individuals who will become more wealthy. And what will they do with the money… by some 500 million yacht that costs a tens of thousands to operate a day and which the spend a few weekend on a year. And of course they need a few houses to sit empty.
What lessons are we taking away. Lets go back in time when things were so much better even if in no time in history have so many people had it so good. Build bigger army’s, even though the wars of the 21 century have shown how vulnerable the big weapon systems like tanks are to individuals with a cause. Even though its clear the real battlefield is the digital, informational, environmental one. Though that is absurd as well
We are so afraid of losing what we have we will give away what we have to save it. Absurd
I have every confidence we are capable of learning better but not very optimistic that learning better we will do better.
Life is suffering and that’s the way we like it. Desire for more, just a little more….April 6, 2022 at 6:22 pm #397190
It looks like we’re going to do nothing to really help the Ukranians win. It horrifying to see so much inaction, or rather so much action that will have no effect on the actual situation, on saving lives. I don’t know what the reason is, honestly. It’s just horrifying to watch the whole world do nothing.May 11, 2022 at 3:17 pm #399935
How are you, Pink, in regard to Ukraine, and otherwise?