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My husband wants a divorce and I don’t

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  • #400301
    Haasini
    Participant

    I am reaching out to get some emotional help.

    I had been married for 8 months and ever since the marriage, there have been too many problems between me and my husband. The source of the problems is my in-laws attitude and the fact that they impose too many restrictions on me. I react with anger with my husband every time my in-laws restrict me to be myself. My husband never stands up for me and always take the side of my in-laws. Recently, I got pregnant and when I was a few weeks pregnant, there was a big fight that exploded and my husband and in-laws stood against me and spoke very abusive words and treated me and my mother very badly. The mental stress and the fact that I ignored my health resulted in a miscarriage. My husband blocked me out on every channel and hence, I never reached out to him to inform my miscarriage. After a month, I tried reaching out to him and my in-laws and after a long try, I was able to communicate the news of my miscarriage.

    On hearing the miscarriage news, my husband and my in-laws started reacting very much negatively and started accusing me that the miscarriage was deliberately done by me. There is no empathy for my husband or my in-laws and they have always been very much egoistic. After a lot of negotiation from my family, my husband agreed to talk to me once before deciding on a divorce. When we met in person to talk and understand the situation rationally, he had come prepared with the intention of collecting proofs for the divorce. He had hacked into my computer, collected a few photos of me with my friend taken 6 years back to emotionally blackmail me to give divorce. He is accusing me that I have some diseases which is not true. The genuine conversation thatI had with him with the intention to reconcile was recorded by him for the purpose of filing divorce.

    I felt very wronged and very much hurt by his behavior. He has gone to the extent of emotionally blackmailing me when I had pure intentions to reconcile with him.

    Even still, I hope that he realize his mistakes, I hope for once he takes my side and not his parents, I hope that my marriage doesn’t end in divorce, I hope God helps me save this marriage, I hope I am happy again.

    Hopes aside. Re-evaluating the situation from a perspective, it shows that this person and family does not have any moral standards and that I should chuck this person out of my life.

    I am in a constant dilemma and my heart feels very heavy and my mind feels very confused. Can someone help me with their perspective ?

    I truly loved him and I am not sure what I had done to deserve this misery.

    #400307
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Hassani,

    I am so sorry you are going through this.

    I think when contemplating leaving a relationship, it’s important to ask yourself – has he done anything to make me think he has changed and realized his mistakes? Because we can’t stay in relationships based on HOPE that our partners will change. That’s living in a delusion, a waste of your time. There has to be concrete action in order for you trust him again.

    You haven’t done anything to deserve this misery. Don’t waste your time on self blame. Just know that these people don’t respect you, and it sounds like they don’t even see you as a human being, more like a vessel for child birth or subjagation by your husband. You deserve better.

    Whatever you decide to do, keep in mind you only have a limited amount of time on this earth, in this life, and it’s up to you to choose how you spend it. Are you going to spend with people who abuse you, or are you going to save yourself and get out, and find a sweet life with good people who deserve you and value you? You’ve been married a short while, so there’s still time to get out with less emotional damage. Just know that the longer you wait to make a plan for yourself, the harder it will be.

    Good luck 🙂

    Pink

    #400308
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Haasini:

    I am in a constant dilemma and my heart feels very heavy and my mind feels very confused” – first thing you need to do is to relax, to have (a real or a mental) vacation, where you take time off from the dilemma. Only when you relax long enough, putting a distance between you and the dilemma, can you dispel the confusion and gain clarity.

    The source of the problems is my in-laws attitude and the fact that they impose too many restrictions on me” – a common problem in traditional settings where the married couple lives with the man’s parents is that the mother-in-law takes over, expecting to control everyone in the household.

    My husband never stands up for me and always take the side of my in-laws” – a problem as common as the above: the husband’s mother dominates and control her adult son and expects to dominate and control her adult son’s wife as well. A son dominated by his mother is not likely to challenge his mother when she doesn’t like the woman he married.

    * I wonder: did his mother like you and approve of you before the marriage and then changed her mind after the marriage?

    I react with anger with my husband every time my in-laws restrict me to be myself” – (1) reacting with anger can mean all kinds of things, from silently pouting to yelling and hitting,  (2) when you say that your in-laws restricted you, that also can mean different things, from insisting that you don’t watch loud TV after  9 pm to… telling you that you are not allowed to be in the kitchen without permission (these are only examples that came to my mind).

    Can you clarify what you mean in the sentence above?

    Recently, I got pregnant and when I was a few weeks pregnant, there was a big fight that exploded and my husband and in-laws stood against me and spoke very abusive words and treated me and my mother very badly” – who started the fight(who exploded?). What were the circumstances of the fight, and did you or your mother also spoke very abusive words?

    Following that explosive fight, your husband blocked you in every way (I am guessing that you moved back with your mother), and because of stress, you had a miscarriage. When your husband and his parents heard about your miscarriage, they accused you of deliberately causing it. Your husband is intent on divorcing you: he hacked into your computer, looking for evidence to use against you, accused you of having a disease, etc.

    I felt very wronged and very much hurt by his behavior. He has gone to the extent of emotionally blackmailing me when I had pure intentions to reconcile with him” – did you intend to reconcile with his parents as well; did you think there was any hope that they will approve of you?

    Even still, I hope that he realize his mistakes, I hope for once he takes my side and not his parents, I hope that my marriage doesn’t end in divorce, I hope God helps me save this marriage, I hope I am happy again… I truly loved him and I am not sure what I had done to deserve this misery” – I am sorry that you are experiencing misery and I hope that soon, you will no longer be miserable! I hope to read back from you so that I can reply further in an effort to dispel that confusion and gain clarity. With clarity, you may be sad but the misery will be gone.

    anita

    #400317
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Haasini

    My condolences. I’m very sorry to hear about your difficulties with your husband, his family and the miscarriage.

    I have a question. Why do you want this marriage? You have been treat horribly by both your husband and his family. Why do you want to continue to have a relationship with them? Surely this would only lead to more abuse and more pain.

    Regardless, we cannot impose our will on another. We can only manage our own actions. It sounds like your husband has made his decision.

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Helcat.
    #401086
    Kevin
    Participant

    I am almost divorced after having been married for 16 years and knowing my wife for 20 years. I recently wrote an article for another blog that talks about what authentic relationship looks like. When we are in relationship with someone else, it’s important to be our true selves. Otherwise, our ego ends up fighting the other person’s ego, hence hurt feelings and negative language. My situations is complex like many are, but what I have learned from this experience has been valuable for moving forward.

    I have included the link below to the article. Please read it and let me know if any of it helps you to process your feelings and thoughts.

    Newly Published Article on http://www.purposefairy.com

    #401193
    HoneyBlossom
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hello Hasaani,</p>
    I am very sorry you have experienced all of this.  To ne, your husband and his family don’t sound like good people.  You deserve so much better

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