Hi Sandy,

With certain others (maybe 1-2%) you won’t, and you don’t wish all the happiness in the world! Instead of fighting it, accept that about yourself. That, ironically, will go a long way toward accepting them. So when those thoughts creep up on you, say to yourself, “LOL, there I am being a hater again! Oh, well!”

With ex’s, especially, you see the new girlfriend and think, “Well, she’ll never share OUR special bond!” or “He just thinks he loves her, I was the It Girl” or even “She has the same hair/look as me. Clearly he’s trying to find a dim replacement.” That’s a normal, human, primal mental reaction. Believe it or not, your friends, family and even Buddhist Masters think the same things.

This is one of those issues that’s a non-issue. Don’t even worry about it! 🙂

Hi There Sandy,

I have to agree with what the others have suggested about taking the focus off needing to feel happiness for your ex. I think what you are really wanting is your own happiness, and when you see your ex with another, that reminds you of what your lost happiness. I have found this way to get happiness within myself. Step 1 Whenever you are thinking about not such happy thoughts about another, what thoughts are evoked in you when you are feeling more negative emotions. Step 2 Then recognize them as non-truths & Step 3 tell yourself the real truth.

As example, Step 1 whenever I think of someone who hurt me, I have not only negative thoughts about them, but I have thoughts of how I redefined myself because of that hurt. I tell myself that I am a fool because I let myself be hurt by them. I tell myself I was stupid. I tell myself that I must have dome something to deserve being hurt. I also have conflicting thoughts as well. I tell myself that I am better than them & I deserve better. I tell myself because I’m better that they will get theirs.

Mostly my negative thoughts about them are my way of not dealing with my own emotions and negative thoughts about me. So as I pay attention to my feelings so I can figure out my thoughts, I am further ahead. It is hard to change feelings because they are reactions to our thoughts. What we can change is our thoughts and that is where the power is.

Step 2, I tell myself that these thoughts are just ego thoughts and are lies. No one is a fool. No one is stupid. No one deserves to be hurt. I’m not better than or deserve to succeed at the expense of another’s success. I really take the time to let in that these are not true at all. Sometimes I have to ask for help from a Higher Power than me to help know that these are not true.

Step 3 Yes,I’m not always prepared with life and I can act foolish or stupidly, but that doesn’t make me those qualities. No one is better than anyone else or deserves to fail at having their hearts desires. I tell my self the truth of this and let that in. I also tell myself that I prefer to BE a happy person, so I can start to have experiences of a happy person. The being comes before the experience.

Then shortly thereafter I experience a happiness well up inside me. Sometimes it is like tiny bubbles bubbling up and I just feel this sense of peace. Other times it is like a huge wave of happiness washing over me, that suddenly becomes a wonderful feeling of exuberant joy.

Maybe you could try my way and see if it helps.

Susan Suehr