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Strangely Hung Up on Guy with a Girlfriend

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  • #79886
    sandy
    Participant

    I just thought I’d share my story because for one, it’s perplexing, and two, it’s another story thathas me convinced that I don’t have the instincts to find an honest person.

    There’s a really sweet, nice guy who I see at work/school (on campus). I’m friendly so I say hi to everyone and strike up conversations. He’s always been really friendly, flashes nice smile. For months I just thought he was the friendliest guy. He would ask how I was doing in classes and often times if I had plans for the weekend.

    A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine asked ‘who’s that guy that’s always smiling at you?’ I would just reply oh, he’s the nicest guy ever. But after hearing her say that I started to wonder if he was flirting with me, which got me very interested. Well, the next day I saw him having a serious discussion with a girl who could only be his girlfriend. I got pretty sad, but figured he really was just a nice guy (since he still smiled and said hi to me while walking by me with her).

    But surprisingly his flirtations continued, even though I would assume he knew I knew he had a girlfriend. I became quite smitten and even lost my cool demeanor when talking with him. I lost my focus on school and kind of hoped that I could go back to being a normal human. I’ve been meditating in just taking care of myself and being true to who I am.

    Yesterday and today I noticed smiley guy wasn’t really flashing his smile and hello when I saw him. Then I noticed him with the girl (now it’s obvious she’s his girlfriend). And now I see that he might not be the nice smiley guy I thought he was. Perhaps he really was being flirtatious and is avoiding me in her presence.

    So, despite being bummed that he does have a girlfriend (flirting was fun), I’m a little more bummed that he’s not the nice friendly guy I thought he was. I find it a little off-putting that a guy would flirt like that with a girlfriend. After trying to convince myself that there are honest, kind, caring men out there, the first one that I genuinely think has those characteristics turns out to be someone else.

    For more context, I’ve had two serious relationships with guys who were still slightly attached to other women, which made me a very insecure person in those relationships. I wonder what kind of karma I have to keep attracting dishonest or misleading guys.

    On the bright side, I can focus better on school now that I know flirting isn’t right. And I ca get over the smitten insecurity and shyness around him and back to being myself again.

    I’d welcome insight on the guys behavior and suggestions on how to stay true to myself and not get carried away with these feelings.

    #79897
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sandy:

    First you didn’t view his behavior to you as flirting. Then the thought entered your mind that he is flirting and following that- you became convinced that he was flirting with you. First you thought he was the nicest guy; now you think he is “dishonest or misleading.” First you felt friendly toward the guy, then you felt infatuated, then betrayed and put off and all through all these changes NOTHING HAPPENED. What i mean is there is no evidence in your post that he ever flirted with you- none whatsoever. There is no evidence he was or is dishonest or misleading. You built a story in your head, a projected story from your past experience and tailored your projections to a story that didn’t even happen.

    This is amazing to me- we all do that, I only hope I do it less and hope to do it even less and less… how we SEE what we see not what is.

    Regarding him being as nice with you at first when he was with his girlfriend and later not- it could be that he was preoccupied, maybe unhappy, dealing with some pressing issue and it was not about you at all. Please consider other explanations to what is going on before you commit or lock into only one interpretation.

    anita

    #79919
    sandy
    Participant

    Anita: Please consider that what I typed was actually occurring. Or don’t. I appreciate your point of view, but I’m thinking that I didn’t describe the situation well and that you assumed that it was all imagined, projected.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by sandy.
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