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Moving Past Regret

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  • #59142
    jon
    Participant

    I normally don’t post things like this and don’t struggle with girls, but I’ve found it hard this time.

    After dating a girl (Cass) for 3 years which ended because of her drug use, I promised myself to stay single and focus on myself. Unfortunately I met a girl (Brit) my last 2 years of college who happened to be a girl I dreamed of marring one day and I fell in love with her. Even when I met Brittany, I still promised myself to stay single but I started to realize Brittany was very smart (Pharmacy student), made me laugh, cute, nice, etc. In some sense, it was weird to meet Brittany because everything I hated about my previous relationship (Cassandra) I found to be completely opposite in Brittany.

    Fast forward a year… I stayed true to myself and never dated Brittany until she came to Colorado with me for my internship. We drove across the country together, spent countless time together experiencing new things, and then I realized I really loved this girl and I gave her a chance. When we both came back to college things changed. We both found ourselves caught up with college and spent less time together. It was more frustrating to me than her. I started to realize that my dream was to travel with this girl after college, but she still had 3 years left and I was about to graduate. I’m very independent and knew a long distant relationship wouldn’t work. It killed me to think I would have to wait 3 years not knowing if the relationship would last or not. And more importantly I didn’t want to live with the regret of not taking chances/opportunities because of her.

    Anyways, I ended up saying some rude things drunk and ultimately ended the relationship out of frustration over a text. I couldn’t deal with the fact I wanted to travel right out of college and she still had 3 years of college. More so, we were seeing less of each other and I realized how hard it would be to make things work even if I stayed. I had to choose between her and traveling which bothered me everyday and led to my drunk text. It’s not how I wanted things to end and it wasn’t the first time I said something drunk and uncalled for either. I promised her before to not say rude things drunk.

    I’ve tried to explain things and apologize, but she doesn’t want to talk or see me. I accepted the fact that she needed time away from me and accepted the fact I made a huge mistake for not communicating better with her. I regret my mistake now and never wanted things to end badly. I wanted to keep this girl as close friend regardless if I moved away or not. I always think about how things might have worked if I just talked about how I felt with her and the fact I wanted to travel. I’ve been so unhappy with myself since this and I’ve done alot to move past it, but I still have alot of guilt in myself for what I did. Now all I think about is getting her back and showing her how much I really care. I want her to be there with me when I travel and even if it means waiting I’m ok with it now because I’d much rather do it with someone I fell in love with.

    I guess any advice would help. Am I wasting time to think I can get her back ever? Should I give up trying to stay friends with her? and how do I even show this girl how sorry I am when she doesn’t want to talk? She obviously thinks I never loved her because the way I acted, but that wasn’t the case. It was a mistake I made over my own frustration having to choose between her and traveling.

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by jon.
    #59146
    Mike
    Participant

    Getting drunk and texting never mix will, but you shouldn’t fret over a mistake you made. As a person on the outside looking in I feel like I don’t understand a few things, or maybe have a different perspective you do not see because you are too close to the situation? Its obvious you really value traveling, I’d like to know what that value is or why you want to travel so much as soon you graduated. What is the rush? After I graduated I wanted to do the same thing, for me it was kind of to find myself and set my true self free in away, but it never happened. I think part of it is just letting go, you had a plan for yourself and she came along and then you were torn between two possibilities. When ever another person is involved it is always so much more complicated than this or that. I think of a girl I had a crush on in college, she seemed to like me as well, but I had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend. We were in biology together with a lab, I helped her and her friend study quite a bit and we all hung out a couple times. We talked a lot and she made me feel different. She told me she broke up with her boyfriend for me and was waiting for me to break up with my girlfriend of 3 years. I just couldn’t get myself to do it, my girlfriend knew that there was another girl trying to get me and it hurt her feelings, but she just kept being my girlfriend and trusted me. Low and behold once the semester was over that girl was quiet, I didn’t really understand it, but then I guess I asked the right question or she figured she would just tell me she was going to Australia for the summer. Anyway I felt like she was pulling my strings that whole time because I liked her and she knew all along that she was leaving. I don’t think it is the same situation, but I can say that you never know what another person is thinking.

    If you want to travel, then travel it doesn’t mean you are picking traveling over her because you planned on doing it all along. Since she is upset with you, you need to make a decision for yourself that even if it is possible to win her back if you want to try or not. There is nothing wrong with being able to let go and go on with your plans, she will probably be there for a little while and maybe while traveling something will pop into your head as to what to do and you can go back with a plan as how to reconcile your friendship with her? I think though you should move on, if one night of drunk texting can scare her off she doesn’t really sound like she was that committed or has trouble forgiving.

    #59148
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh my goodness, what was in that text?? Well, at any rate, don’t stalk her. Go travel, which can be as much fun alone as with someone! Three years will go by before you know it, believe it or not. You were so set on your plan(s), you can’t really blame someone for being set on theirs.

    The good news? You know what you want, and what girl doesn’t love travelling with a partner?? The trick is to find a person who can get away and is free. That time is usually in college or retirement, but between those times, look for a free spirit. (It’s so easy to get bogged down with work, school, family. OMG, whenever I try to get away, I feel like The Universe won’t let me go, or I get “punished” when I get back! How dare I dump all my responsibilities and leave?? Who do I think I am??? LOL)

    Text this girl *very* occasionally when you get back, but it sounds like you really turned her off, so don’t push it!!

    #59158
    Chloé
    Participant

    Hi Jon
    I don’t know what you said in that text but it must have been something that hurt her deeply for not talking to you at all. We always find out what we want when we mess up. You have done your part on apologizing so don’t feel guilty now. We are only humans and we mess up sometimes. You have tried to contact her and make things better and if she isn’t responding I would say go on with your life – give her space, time. Take some time for yourself, go travelling, have fun. The most important thing is – you know you made a mistake and even more importantly, you have tried your very best to make things better. So my advice for you right now – let go and move on. Maybe in the future you will find your way back to each other. It’s hard I know, I have been in situations like that, but what I always comfort myself with is; I tried, I tried my best.

    Love, Chloé

    #59163
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi Jon,

    I can see from your write up and from my experience why you’d have regret.

    I have a recent case where I think our two spinning gears touched the wrong way and it was my fault. Now, as a result of the full damage, I don’t think I could ever be with her. It’s a tragedy, but maybe it was meant to be that way sooner or later. I’ve thought about her and this issue a lot (times infinity…). It took me a while to not be upset. Now I’m kinda going forward in my life without her.

    Jon there is no right answer, but giving it time as Chloé says makes sense.

    Big blue

    PS: if you try something like “I LOVE YOU. PLEASE FORGIVE ME” painted in the sky by an airplane and it works, please be sure to let me know…. 🙂

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Big blue.
    #59170
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello Jon,

    Regarding “moving past regret”, there is something that people in 12 step programs do. They need to be brutally honest about what they have done in their lives that hurt people (including themselves). There is a difference between admitting to one’s mistakes and saying that you’re sorry in order to get back in good graces of someone, and simply facing the truth, no matter how much it hurts. Reality is reality, and shame, guilt and excuses are all something we add to the mix ourselves, when narrating what has happened. Facing reality without any excuses really does help in getting over past mistakes and finding forgiveness.

    #59204
    jon
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice all!

    As far as what I said, I told her that “It was better off we’re friends and you’re no fun anymore.” At the time I filled with anger and other mixed emotions about our relationship. That was 3 months ago and we’ve hardly spoke since. I gave her time/space and myself time to see if things got better. I think about her everyday and miss her alot in my life. She made my a better person and challenged me which is probably why I’ve struggled so much. It’s the first girl I’ve met who could motivate me, challenge me, and make me a better person.

    I know its best to move on and not get hung up on someone else. I’ve been thru this before with other girls and I know when to move on. In this case, I feel like I lost someone I loved in the blink of an eye and I blame myself everyday for it. I know there are better days, but its just tough. I really foresaw a bright future with this girl and always knew in my heart that even if things didn’t work we would remain great friends, but I ruined that.

    Thank all for the advice! I know she isn’t wheeping about me so I don’t know why I am. I need to let go of the past/regret.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by jon.
    #59255
    Lucinda
    Participant

    Regarding the order of importance of stuff in our lives, something Suze Orman (yes, the financial guru!) says is “People first, then money, then things”. I like it – it’s simply stated, and easy for me to use to decide if my life is looking how I want it to look (to me). I’ve always interpreted that as:

    1. People/relationships are the MOST IMPORTANT THINGS in my life. Above EVERYTHING ELSE.
    2. Money and how I spend/save it (not how much I earn per se) is next most important thing.
    3. Things are the least important in my life.

    I know that’s a very simplified version of how to run your life, but sometimes that’s what I need. So if I’m sacrificing a relationship with someone I love in order to have a “thing” (and life experiences/travel could be considered a “thing”) then I would need to look at that.

    We only have today with the people we love…there is NOT always tomorrow or another day, they will NOT always wait, and they ARE hurt by our actions and words. But Paris WILL be there tomorrow, getting on a plane CAN always wait, and a destination will NEVER take it personally that we didn’t show up.

    Besides, who says it wouldn’t be better to wait a few years and travel with her anyway?

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lucinda.
    #59186
    jon
    Participant

    <cite> @ablankscript said:</cite>
    I’d like to know what that value is or why you want to travel so much as soon you graduated. What is the rush?

    I’ve always loved the idea of it and I’m sick of seeing people doing the same thing everyday who regret not traveling. I think it will make me a better person and I can always come back home. I want to meet new people and experience new things and its the perfect time. I understand 3 years may not be long, but who knows what might get in my way in that short time.

    As far as the text goes, I asked her to hang out and she didn’t respond then I said “I think we’re better off friends and you’re no fun anymore.” I guess that was hurtful enough.

    Anyways, thanks for all the good advice. I know I should probably just let go or give up, but I still have hope in my heart. I still love this girl and I know things may never go back to the way they were, but adleast I tried my best. It’s been 3 months, but if she can’t see past my flaws and let me show her I’ve become a better person (quit drinking) then I know there is another girl out there who will appreciate the good guy I am.

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