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jon

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  • #59186
    jon
    Participant

    <cite>@ablankscript said:</cite>
    I’d like to know what that value is or why you want to travel so much as soon you graduated. What is the rush?

    I’ve always loved the idea of it and I’m sick of seeing people doing the same thing everyday who regret not traveling. I think it will make me a better person and I can always come back home. I want to meet new people and experience new things and its the perfect time. I understand 3 years may not be long, but who knows what might get in my way in that short time.

    As far as the text goes, I asked her to hang out and she didn’t respond then I said “I think we’re better off friends and you’re no fun anymore.” I guess that was hurtful enough.

    Anyways, thanks for all the good advice. I know I should probably just let go or give up, but I still have hope in my heart. I still love this girl and I know things may never go back to the way they were, but adleast I tried my best. It’s been 3 months, but if she can’t see past my flaws and let me show her I’ve become a better person (quit drinking) then I know there is another girl out there who will appreciate the good guy I am.

    #60005
    jon
    Participant

    Great post! I agree with everyone here.

    #60004
    jon
    Participant

    Hey M-

    I loved reading your story because I was in a similar situation a few months ago. Hopefully from my perspective (a guy) you’ll find some comfort moving forward. Just like you, I was preparing to move away and started to question the future of my relationship. I thought about what was best for the both of us moving forward and knew the answer in my heart. Basically, I am moving away into a professional career and she still has a few years left at college. We both talked about the long-term, but I knew if I moved away things would be difficult. I knew we’d remain in the relationship for the wrong reasons. I felt guilty staying in a relationship where we’d both eventually find difficulties being away from one another. My gut feeling was things wouldn’t work out even though I wanted them to.

    I knew in my heart this girl would be a great wife, mother, and had a very bright future ahead. You said, “I know that breaking up with him now will prevent more pain for both of us in the future, and as much as I wanted to be happy in a relationship, I just wasn’t. I started feeling claustrophobic and wanting freedom,” and I want you to know that I felt the exact same way!!!! After the break-up I had alot of regret and still do at times. It’s hard because just like you, I’ve moved home where there isn’t a big social group I connect with. I wanted to remain friends, but the truth is, I hurt the other person by telling them we’d be better of friends and going separate ways. We were best friends and it was that hardest decision I ever made. We traveled across the country together last summer and I fell in love with this girl during my last two years at college. However, I knew what was best going forward. Like you said, I saved both us more pain down the road. I think its natural for us to question our decisions after the fact. We idealize the future if we hadn’t made the decision to move on. I find myself saying, “What if things would have worked out” or thinking I jumped the gun on this situation. I know what that feeling of guilt feels like and you’re not alone! Don’t say sorry, you made this decision because you realized what was best.

    The important thing is, you did what was right by not staying in a relationship unhappy or uncertain. Sometimes we love someone, but its not the right time for us. You have a new chapter in life where you’ll go to grad school and establish new relationships. You’ll realize that this feeling is in the moment and it will overcome with time. You can’t fix anything now because both of you are hurt. Just like you did, I cut the other person out of my life and its very hard to deal with. You’ll only hurt each other more by reconnecting, so let go of any type of communication. I like to remind myself that if things are meant to be, God always has a plan. I’m not very religious, but I believe things happen for certain reasons. With time, he’ll remember the good memories and get past your decision to move on. He may feel betrayed right now, but that’s only temporary. I know its very painful now, but focus on improving yourself. Stay busy and be happy with your decision. You made the right decision. Remaining in a relationship for the wrong reasons would have only led to a similar scenario or much worse. If things were meant to be, you’ll appreciate one another more down the road. Right now, enjoy this time and freedom you have. Things can always be worse and you need to remind yourself everyday is special. We never know when our time is up on this earth, so don’t live in regret. Make the most of every day and just remember things will get better in time.

    I hope this helps some! Thank you again for your story and I’m glad I could relate with someone else. I know this is hard, but I promise things become less painful with time. Don’t live in regret!!!!

    #59218
    jon
    Participant

    Money can bring more problems than it can solve. It sounds like the relationship has remained stable because of money and that’s not what a relationship should be built on.

    Don’t jump the gun on this. Sure it may be nice to think theres a life out there to explore, but adleast see if he’ll understand your concerns. Instead of focusing on the financial burdens, work on spending more time together and maybe he’ll be reminded why your so special to him and ease up on the financial situation. You can’t force him to change though.

    You need to do what makes you happy. Every relationship has ups/downs, but working thru them is what a strong relationship is built on. I think you need to make this decision for yourself and no one can give you a right answer. If you do decide to leave, be prepared for the other challenges you might face. Regardless, I don’t think its right to stay in a relationship if you’re not happy or don’t foresee a happy future. Just think everything thru before you make such a move. This is a tough situation and once again I think it’s up to you to make the right decision.

    #59204
    jon
    Participant

    Thanks for the advice all!

    As far as what I said, I told her that “It was better off we’re friends and you’re no fun anymore.” At the time I filled with anger and other mixed emotions about our relationship. That was 3 months ago and we’ve hardly spoke since. I gave her time/space and myself time to see if things got better. I think about her everyday and miss her alot in my life. She made my a better person and challenged me which is probably why I’ve struggled so much. It’s the first girl I’ve met who could motivate me, challenge me, and make me a better person.

    I know its best to move on and not get hung up on someone else. I’ve been thru this before with other girls and I know when to move on. In this case, I feel like I lost someone I loved in the blink of an eye and I blame myself everyday for it. I know there are better days, but its just tough. I really foresaw a bright future with this girl and always knew in my heart that even if things didn’t work we would remain great friends, but I ruined that.

    Thank all for the advice! I know she isn’t wheeping about me so I don’t know why I am. I need to let go of the past/regret.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by jon.
    #59187
    jon
    Participant

    I agree Chloe… Some girls love to play with a mans heart and getting attention back. You don’t know this girl well enough and unless she gives you the time to hang out then she isn’t taking things too seriously. There’s no reason why someone can’t respond to a text even if its a day or two later. That alone should be hint she can’t be taken too seriously.

    You’ve jumped the gun on expressing your feelings for this girl and now she probably feels she won you over all too easy. Lay off and let her come spend time with you to show that she really cares and respects you. Once again, you don’t know this girl so don’t let her play games with you.

    #59141
    jon
    Participant

    I agree. Put your family first and communicate with him about how you feel. It’s obvious trust was lost, but considering you have kids it may not be worth giving up yet. Make sure he knows about how you feel and let him know he has to choose between his family or his own adventures. Make things clear to him that you have no other options but to leave if it happens again and make sure to act on it or else he’ll continue his habits and realize your too weak to follow thru.

    #59140
    jon
    Participant

    Im new to the forum, but I found your post interesting. I think right now you are overwhelmed with the feeling of moving past college. I myself just recently graduated and am moving away from home/college/family/friends and its a scary feeling. It sounds like you’re less confident without the support of friends in your life and that is the first step you need to work on.

    Be happy with yourself and also for your friends to finally accomplish graduating college. You have to understand that friends/people move on in life and some friends come and go. Just because they haven’t kept up as much as you expected doesn’t mean they dont care still. There’s never anything wrong than being the one to initiate the conversation with them, but realize that it’s just alot of anxiety right now because you became so comfortable with these close friends and now they’re gone.

    My best advice would be to work on being confident by yourself and creating new friendships. The reality is – as people become more distant from one another, they tend to communicate less, but that doesn’t mean they still don’t care for one another. People will come and go in life and I agree 100% that it is hard to deal with, but things get better if you try to establish new relationships and worry less about those friends you had in the past. I’m sure its hard for them too, but they are also working on themselves to achieve new goals and encounter new experiences. Stay in touch with your friends, but don’t let it hold you back from meeting new friends as well. Also, forget the past about your HS friend. At that age, we’re still too young to understand the meaning of a true friend or friendship. There are plenty of HS friends I had who I thought would still be in my life for years, but the reality is we all moved in different directions and now I haven’t seen them in years.

    I wish you the best and remember to not let these college friends hold you back from being confident in yourself or meeting new people. You have to accept that now you’re all far apart from one another you’ll communicate less, but still care for each other and have memories you’ll all never forget.

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