Forum Replies Created
September 6, 2015 at 1:26 pm #82960
Everyone wants to feel acknowledged, seen and heard. That’s why, even though others might not acknowledge your pain, you can always acknowledge and accept it yourself. It really does give an instant relief.
Great that you found the audio! I have the audio book myself and have listened to it a couple of times. Actually, just listening to it helps as well, because it feels like someone understands the effects of self-esteem so well and things start to make more sense. Again, it’s acknowledging the pain and being understanding about it that gives the soothing feeling.
I hope you’ll get something out of it!September 6, 2015 at 3:04 am #82939
At least The Book Depository has the book and they have free worldwide delivery. Audible.com also has an audio book version of it. I think you should also be able to ask for your library to order it. It definitely is a classic and for a good reason. Unlike many other self-help books, it has a very solid basis and structure. He knows what he’s talking about.
Thank you for your advice. I think I should be able to grade tasks from easy to more difficult, though I’m also new at managing this type of project. We’re all there learning. I was thinking that I’d make a list of tasks that we have to get done, and allow people to choose their own. They are then responsible of that task. Of course I’ll be there to help, as I do have more experience and I actually do like to be a bit nurturing to others, but like you said, it is important to try to do things without someone constantly holding your hand. Failing isn’t going to ruin anything and now is the time to try, because when we are all in the business world doing what we are learning now to do, everything is going to be much more demanding. Once again, thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them.September 6, 2015 at 2:33 am #82937
I responded and my whole post disappeared. What I tried to post was to ask whether you’ve tried tapping therapy called EFT? I’ve been told it can be effective in managing the episodes of anxiety. If you google “ptsd tapping”, you’ll find articles and instructional videos on YouTube.
I think it’s worth to at least try different methods and stick with the ones that help you personally.September 6, 2015 at 2:03 am #82935
Leaving behind a place that is clearly destructive to you is not leaving behind responsibilities. You are responsible of your well-being, first and foremost. It is more likely that you will follow the path to depression if you accept others treating you poorly and start to believe what they are saying.
Could I suggest that you look into the works of Nathaniel Branden? Especially his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”. Self-esteem is fleeting and sometimes we feel like we are worthy and sometimes we don’t. He has some great examples of the mindset of someone with poor self-esteem and someone with a healthy self-esteem. It has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Any person with any kind of background can have good self-esteem or poor self-esteem, and your self-esteem is ever changing. He also says that you can never have too much self-esteem, as it is similar to having a great immune system; it is there to help you deal with life’s ups and downs. He also talks about living purposefully and has exercises that can help in finding who you are and what you want to do.
I agree that you can not continue to accept someone treating you in such ways. It is of course easy for me to say to just leave your job, but if the situation can not be solved in other ways, then perhaps it would be for the best. That said, if you can, you could also look at your manager as someone who clearly has issues and to not take them personally. They are her issues, not yours.
You can’t control what your wife does, but you can control whether you choose to continue brushing your teeth 🙂
As for my issues… The one problem that concerns me the most at the moment is that I’m the team leader in a small team that consists of students. There is one young girl there who is possibly the most passive and shy person I’ve ever encountered. She has opened up to me and talks to me now, but I don’t know how to manage her, as due to her inexperience she doesn’t know what she wants to do and she doesn’t really take initiative. I worry that I’ll assign jobs to her that she’ll hate, but if she doesn’t participate, she’ll never get involved enough to get anything out of the study program. I don’t want to micromanage her, but unless she steps up and takes control of her own fate within the project, I might have to. How would you handle that?September 5, 2015 at 4:12 am #82874
My advice to you is: think less, do more. You know the saying about idle hands? It’s kind of true! A person who is focusing on doing something can not focus on how empty their life is. Even meditation is “doing” something.
If you want to write, start writing. Write as much as you can and don’t concern yourself with whether or not what you produce is top notch. It would be very unlikely that you’d just decide to become a writer one day and then immediately produce a masterpiece. You need to create and destroy over and over again to get to where you want to be. If it brings you joy, just do it! It could also be that being a writer is not what you actually want, but you love literature. Then start a blog where you review books you’ve read and write about what kind of thoughts and feelings were raised by them.
Suffering doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just is. It is a fact of life. Some people will have to go through a lot. Ironically, you are causing suffering to yourself by comparing your life to another person’s life. We’re not in a competition of who’s suffering the most 😉 Just because you haven’t been abused doesn’t mean that you are spoiled. People also have to go through a lot of suffering in ways that nobody else will ever understand. People generally give compassion under particular circumstances, but if you’re seemingly well-off, you’re not allowed to complain. Their suffering doesn’t matter to the society, and as such it creates a different kind of painful experience to that person.
The thing is, people get hurt and heal constantly. It’s not just particularly traumatic situations that cause wounds. Just by smiling and being a kind person to others, you might heal wounds without even knowing it. Acknowledge people and their presence and they will feel better.
I think that your purpose will become clearer by actively doing all kinds of things and sensing how you feel about doing them. If it feels off, don’t do it. If it feels right, do that!
…and how’s this for a thought: I haven’t been to TinyBuddha for a long time. Today I decided to look what’s going on here. I came across your post and decided to get active again. We’re not always aware of the impact we have on others, so perhaps you are constantly fulfilling your purpose and you don’t even know it?August 14, 2014 at 1:23 am #63349
Essentially, everything that Will said. In addition to that, there’s one thing that is bothering me. Let’s say that you both would have cultivated love in your hearts. This irrespective of other people. Just cultivating the ability to feel love within. When that happens, in my experience, it kind of starts to flow freely towards others as well and it is seen and heard. When I look at the situation you’re describing, it feels like the whole terrain is completely dried up on both ends. How can either of you give something that you don’t have? Does he feel loved and cared for? It doesn’t sound like it. So then you have a stand off situation where both need more than they can give. I would lower the weapons for a moment and sit down and talk, not only about your own needs, but capabilities of giving love.
Isn’t there that book, Five Love Languages, that talks about the difference in needs and empty love tanks and so on? I’ve heard a lot of good things about it. Perhaps take a look at it as well?August 13, 2014 at 10:10 am #63287
I liked “Tao of Dating” and “Get the Guy” as dating books. They’re genuinely interesting books, even if you’re not “on the prowl” 🙂
I’ve understood that basically, as a woman, it should be enough that you have eye contact and smile. After that, you’re set. If you wave at them a bit, then they have no choice but to come and talk to you 🙂 Someone signals that they want to talk to you, then you have to go and ask what they want. Basic human nature. Bold, but pretty fool proof 🙂
I personally tend to just start talking with people, because I’m just genuinely interested in people. Plus I find myself in new adventures when I just randomly start to get to know people in different places 🙂 I approach people with “detached interest”. I show interest in having a conversation, but don’t force it. Or I show interest in that person, but not out of desperation or neediness. People usually like that. I like that when someone does that to me. It’s fun to start talking with a totally new person who’s not after something. Almost always those conversations start with an observation of some sort about something. So it’s not really “Hello, how are you doing?” Of course, if the person isn’t anywhere near you, then you are going to have to walk over to them and say something, and that’s kind of tough. That is a direct way of approaching and is kind of intimidating to everyone involved 🙂 Unless you do the signalling first and “force” them to come to you 🙂August 13, 2014 at 9:19 am #63283
Are you perhaps placing too much emphasis on the seriousness of the situation, when approaching a person to get to know them?
I was going to write all kinds of stuff, but then I realized that I am not in the position of giving any kind of advice in this area 🙂 Pretty much all the more serious relationships that I’ve had have come through Internet. Not on dating sites (though that has happened as well), but on other social platforms. That kind of approach was always safe for me. I had a chance to observe them for a while first and could connect over thoughts. That’s difficult to do in an environment that’s designed for “hooking up”.
My track record with relationships is so poor that I really shouldn’t say anything on this topic 🙂August 13, 2014 at 8:34 am #63278
You should’ve said to him “Mind the gap!” 🙂
I find being hit on really annoying regardless of who is doing it. Flirting I like, very much so. But the sort of flirting that does not attempt to lead the situation anywhere. I hate that part, the manipulation. I like to be given a choice, and I would rather choose someone who was fun and flirty, but not manipulative.August 13, 2014 at 5:27 am #63270
You can’t directly avoid having thoughts. They will pop up in your head. But you don’t have to respond to them or fear them. They’re just thoughts that come and go, if you let them.
All of what you are describing is pretty much exactly how people usually behave. To be able to let go of thoughts is a skill that can be learned. Just like learning how to keep yourself clean or how to tidy up a room or how to do laundry. Without those skills the stuff is going to pile up and becomes difficult to manage.
I think that there are other people here who would be better at teaching meditation skills (@amatt), but in general, that is what meditation is: to learn how to cope with the mind in a skilful way.August 13, 2014 at 4:46 am #63267
You don’t have to gather pressure. Right now you are going into war with yourself. But what if you took a passive approach and just sat and waited until the moment would pass? Just allowing those thoughts to come and go without grabbing onto them and starting to create pressure. There is no pressure unless you fight back. Don’t fight it, but don’t listen to those thoughts either.
If someone yells at you and you start to yell back, then there is a conflict and you’ll feel the pressure. But if someone yells at you and you refuse to respond to it in any way, there will be no conflict and the other party that is yelling will eventually stop, because they’re not gaining any control over you. You’ll just let the whole thing pass without adding resistance. Does that make sense?August 13, 2014 at 3:36 am #63261
I guess we see things differently. To me it’s a sign of sanity to be able to be patient instead of following every impulse and to not listen to every thought and feeling that comes to me 🙂 I guess you find fear in dealing with your mind in general? Perhaps do things that would get you more grounded in reality. Ditch the computer for a moment and go outside into the nature and take in all the sights and sounds through your senses.
Removing all temptations from your environment for the rest of your life does not sound like a very rational nor practical idea.
Also, you say that you are trying to persuade yourself. You may try to persuade other people to do what you want, but why would you even have to persuade yourself? It’s you and if you’re not the one in control, then who is?August 13, 2014 at 2:47 am #63259
In that case, it’s really not even just about the issue of checking out his FB page, but to really gain some control over your own mind. To stop listening to the side of you that tells you to act in irrational ways that only end up hurting you, and to start giving more power to the side of you that understands what is truly best for you. It takes some time and effort, but if you can manage to do that, then it not only helps you with this situation, but in life in general. Instead of the chaos of the mind, you could have peace and serenity and control over your own life.
When your mind tells you to do things you know you shouldn’t, just take a moment before you start reacting to it and start making decisions based on your fleeting emotions. Instead of reacting, take a moment to observe the thoughts and feelings that come to you and urge you to do something right now. Consciously try to be more patient and just allow those thoughts and feelings to come and go. This is a good time to practice, as whether or not you end up deciding to look at his FB page isn’t really a matter of life and death. So there is really no real pressure. You can even make a game out of it. Notice when you start to tell yourself to do these things. Is the feeling different from how you are usually feeling? Why would such a demand pop up in your head? Are you feeling scared and this is the response to such a feeling? Then perhaps think for a while how you could soothe your fear without taking such action as going straight to Facebook.
The more you patiently allow those “urgent demands” to come and go and you notice that you actually have some power over your own mind, the easier it becomes. If you fail, then just get back on the horse and try again. Seek healthier ways to take care of yourself than to instantly react to all fleeting emotions. Learning this is incredibly beneficial to you in life in general, so perhaps this painful break-up can work as a catalyst for you to learn a very helpful skill.August 13, 2014 at 12:59 am #63256
Argh. Fate, not faith 🙂 Can’t edit anymore. Perhaps I should just learn how to let go of obsessing over misspelled words!August 13, 2014 at 12:51 am #63255
Thank you for your post, Terry, as it gave me a nudge in an unsuspected way. But that’s another story, so back to yours…
The flaw in your thinking is that if you graduate from something, you are going to have to do that for the rest of your life. As if your faith would be sealed. It’s not. You don’t have to be a dentist for the rest of your life and abandon all else. Who is to say that you wouldn’t create a hugely popular dentistry app in the future? Gathering knowledge is great and it’s never wasted. Also, you’ll better start preparing yourself for the fact that you can’t optimize life 😉 Stuff is going to happen that will completely change your plans anyway.
Also, is working for someone else one of the dreams that you have? Who’s stopping you from pursuing the life of an entrepreneur or freelancer? You will need a formal education to have a private practice in dentistry, but absolutely nobody is going to ask for a computer science degree in web or app design. Those are new technologies and require practical knowledge. Computer science is mostly about the theoretical science. Web technologies weren’t even part of our curriculum when I studied computer science, let alone something like Objective-C. I’m not saying that you wouldn’t learn anything in CS, but it’s just not one of the most practical degrees.
If I were you, I’d continue with the dentistry and have a degree that I could always fall back on, and continue studying programming related things on my spare time, and see if I could combine those two. But that’s just me and I’m not you 🙂