Dear jack:

It is very telling of the sad state of affairs that NOT being a fake is seen as a talent, as you wrote. Isn’t that something? A baby is authentic, as we suffer in our early childhood we lose that authenticity and then it seems like being authentic requires a talent. We are born authentic. It does not require talent.

Only when we lose it then it requires a lot of work… and maybe talent, to bring some of it back.

As to your last sentence about suffering being a good thing- no, never- never to me is suffering a good thing. Authentically speaking, suffering is a bad thing and we instinctively move away from it. Unfortunately when healing, it is necessary to become aware of the pain that is already there.

anita

My advice to you is: think less, do more. You know the saying about idle hands? It’s kind of true! A person who is focusing on doing something can not focus on how empty their life is. Even meditation is “doing” something.

If you want to write, start writing. Write as much as you can and don’t concern yourself with whether or not what you produce is top notch. It would be very unlikely that you’d just decide to become a writer one day and then immediately produce a masterpiece. You need to create and destroy over and over again to get to where you want to be. If it brings you joy, just do it! It could also be that being a writer is not what you actually want, but you love literature. Then start a blog where you review books you’ve read and write about what kind of thoughts and feelings were raised by them.

Suffering doesn’t have to be good or bad. It just is. It is a fact of life. Some people will have to go through a lot. Ironically, you are causing suffering to yourself by comparing your life to another person’s life. We’re not in a competition of who’s suffering the most 😉 Just because you haven’t been abused doesn’t mean that you are spoiled. People also have to go through a lot of suffering in ways that nobody else will ever understand. People generally give compassion under particular circumstances, but if you’re seemingly well-off, you’re not allowed to complain. Their suffering doesn’t matter to the society, and as such it creates a different kind of painful experience to that person.

The thing is, people get hurt and heal constantly. It’s not just particularly traumatic situations that cause wounds. Just by smiling and being a kind person to others, you might heal wounds without even knowing it. Acknowledge people and their presence and they will feel better.

I think that your purpose will become clearer by actively doing all kinds of things and sensing how you feel about doing them. If it feels off, don’t do it. If it feels right, do that!

…and how’s this for a thought: I haven’t been to TinyBuddha for a long time. Today I decided to look what’s going on here. I came across your post and decided to get active again. We’re not always aware of the impact we have on others, so perhaps you are constantly fulfilling your purpose and you don’t even know it?

Dear Jack:

Did you say you toy with the idea of being a writer? I am not sure if you wrote that but I want to tell you I very much enjoyed your worst-case-scenario description above- hilarious! And I am humor challenged, so my appreciation for your humor and your writing!

anita

Dear Jack,

Leaving behind a place that is clearly destructive to you is not leaving behind responsibilities. You are responsible of your well-being, first and foremost. It is more likely that you will follow the path to depression if you accept others treating you poorly and start to believe what they are saying.

Could I suggest that you look into the works of Nathaniel Branden? Especially his book “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”. Self-esteem is fleeting and sometimes we feel like we are worthy and sometimes we don’t. He has some great examples of the mindset of someone with poor self-esteem and someone with a healthy self-esteem. It has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Any person with any kind of background can have good self-esteem or poor self-esteem, and your self-esteem is ever changing. He also says that you can never have too much self-esteem, as it is similar to having a great immune system; it is there to help you deal with life’s ups and downs. He also talks about living purposefully and has exercises that can help in finding who you are and what you want to do.

I agree that you can not continue to accept someone treating you in such ways. It is of course easy for me to say to just leave your job, but if the situation can not be solved in other ways, then perhaps it would be for the best. That said, if you can, you could also look at your manager as someone who clearly has issues and to not take them personally. They are her issues, not yours.

You can’t control what your wife does, but you can control whether you choose to continue brushing your teeth 🙂

As for my issues… The one problem that concerns me the most at the moment is that I’m the team leader in a small team that consists of students. There is one young girl there who is possibly the most passive and shy person I’ve ever encountered. She has opened up to me and talks to me now, but I don’t know how to manage her, as due to her inexperience she doesn’t know what she wants to do and she doesn’t really take initiative. I worry that I’ll assign jobs to her that she’ll hate, but if she doesn’t participate, she’ll never get involved enough to get anything out of the study program. I don’t want to micromanage her, but unless she steps up and takes control of her own fate within the project, I might have to. How would you handle that?

Jack,

At least The Book Depository has the book and they have free worldwide delivery. Audible.com also has an audio book version of it. I think you should also be able to ask for your library to order it. It definitely is a classic and for a good reason. Unlike many other self-help books, it has a very solid basis and structure. He knows what he’s talking about.

Thank you for your advice. I think I should be able to grade tasks from easy to more difficult, though I’m also new at managing this type of project. We’re all there learning. I was thinking that I’d make a list of tasks that we have to get done, and allow people to choose their own. They are then responsible of that task. Of course I’ll be there to help, as I do have more experience and I actually do like to be a bit nurturing to others, but like you said, it is important to try to do things without someone constantly holding your hand. Failing isn’t going to ruin anything and now is the time to try, because when we are all in the business world doing what we are learning now to do, everything is going to be much more demanding. Once again, thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate them.

Everyone wants to feel acknowledged, seen and heard. That’s why, even though others might not acknowledge your pain, you can always acknowledge and accept it yourself. It really does give an instant relief.

Great that you found the audio! I have the audio book myself and have listened to it a couple of times. Actually, just listening to it helps as well, because it feels like someone understands the effects of self-esteem so well and things start to make more sense. Again, it’s acknowledging the pain and being understanding about it that gives the soothing feeling.

I hope you’ll get something out of it!