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Realistic age gap?

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  • August 11, 2014 at 7:16 am #63077
    Kelly
    Participant

    The Ruminant, lately I have thought about creating a profile too. I actually did, earlier this year, in an emotional reaction to my breakup, but quickly took it down (for the reasons you allude to with your “on the prowl” comments). My experience over the years with online dating has been that people are generally very aggressive/motivated to date. For example, when I’d receive a message, if I took a few days to resond, I would often get a follow up message from the sender “If you’re not interested, let me know” or worse “What is it you don’t like about me?” when I simply hadn’t made time to respond yet. It made me feel pressured and that my pacing wasn’t compatible with the online dating world. There may be sites where a more relaxed approach works, but I haven’t had any success finding them.

    For what it’s worth, I did end up meeting a woman on OKCupid years ago who became a dear friend for several years. On that particular site, one of the features is that when you’re looking at a person’s profile, they will show you “similar users” to the one you’re viewing (ie “If you like this guy, you’ll like these other guys”). Out of curiosity, I pulled up my own profile to see who the “similar users” were. I read the top profile and let me tell you, that woman sounded fantastic, lol. I sent her a note to say hi, she wrote back, and before too long, we made our first “date” (plutonic) together to see a concert. We really hit it off and stayed friends for a number of years. So, it’s definitely possible to find friends/network on dating sites, though you might have better luck with Meetup groups or something where there is no implied romantic aspects.

    August 11, 2014 at 8:42 am #63089
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I know exactly what you mean, Kelly. It is very aggressive and fast paced. And if you’re not interested in meeting up immediately and show some considerable interest, some people think that you are playing some kind of game. I also really dislike the very direct messages that walk all over my boundaries and I feel like the person is breathing down my neck, whilst humping my leg.

    I have also made friends through different online dating sites over the years, which is why I keep going back to that thought. I’ve changed since the last time I tried it, so I’m not sure if it would be either a really great experience this time, or even worse than before 🙂

    The Meetup group sounds good otherwise, but I’m guessing that’s for physically meeting people in your area? I have no real problem getting involved with people in my area. I would just hope to cast a wider net. Interesting idea nevertheless. I hadn’t heard of it before, so I will look more into it.

    I think there is this deep seated romantic thought of meeting that special someone and I have a hard time seeing that the person would be someone from where I live. Yet, I’m not truly looking either. It is like allowing the Universe to show me the way, but I’m clearly not happy with the idea that it would lead me back to where I came from… 🙂

    Perhaps I should just get more involved in different niche sites that would cater to my interests.

    August 11, 2014 at 9:49 am #63098
    Big blue
    Participant

    “I wonder who my butt would dial if it had a choice.” Awesome! I think this is a perfect book title lol.

    Yeah I am not prowling either. My friend asked me for the drink. Law of attraction?

    Logically a dating site makes sense – to put out some qualifiers. Probably because I don’t prowl, but just lay in the grass with an occasional scratching, that does not fit me, either. Upon reflection, I am happy with myself, and with others.

    It is a challenge to describe because you don’t want to say making friends for two reasons: 1) the other networker may not become a friend, and 2) you may find out that you want to be more than friends, so having that label can be restrictive. So, networking seems sensible, although that sounds a bit professional. And here I reach a strength-weakness: empathy/analysis/fixing.

    I do not have any long-distance peeps – let’s just say peeps. What is that like?

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Big blue.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 8 months ago by Big blue.
    August 11, 2014 at 10:00 am #63101
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Did I just accidentally report your post? I was looking at the Activity tab on my iPad and I swear I tapped on that link that shows more, but then it kind of disappeared and I came to this thread and it said that your post was reported. Then the whole post disappeared from the Activity feed and I had to come on my computer to see what was going on 🙂

    Sorry, if it was me! Damn iPad + TinyBuddha combination…

    Yes, I agree that “networking” sounds very professional.

    I like long-distance friendships. Exchanging thoughts can be very rewarding. At least for me, as I’m more of a cerebral person.

    August 11, 2014 at 10:33 am #63110
    Big blue
    Participant

    Oh I was just embarrased – I wondered if I offended someone – whew! Yes iPads are touchy. Iphones create typos. iI am responsible for poor thinking or judgement, etc. lol. And good things, too….

    August 13, 2014 at 7:14 am #63275
    Kelly
    Participant

    Last night I was approached and hit on by a man in the grocery store. My best guess is he had 20 years on me, his head full of completely white hair. I couldn’t help but think of this thread and how I was excited to report this to the group. LOL

    August 13, 2014 at 8:34 am #63278
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    You should’ve said to him “Mind the gap!” 🙂

    I find being hit on really annoying regardless of who is doing it. Flirting I like, very much so. But the sort of flirting that does not attempt to lead the situation anywhere. I hate that part, the manipulation. I like to be given a choice, and I would rather choose someone who was fun and flirty, but not manipulative.

    August 13, 2014 at 8:49 am #63281
    Kelly
    Participant

    Ha, “Mind the gap” 🙂

    “Hit on” was probably putting it too strong. He basically approached me (he is an employee of the liquor department) and asked if he could help me find anything. I thanked him but said I was all set and then he proceeded to tell me how much he loves my earrings and how they “compliment my color”, etc. We discussed the earrings for a bit (they were new, haha) and then he asked again if he could help me with anything (“more flattery?” he asked). I just laughed and said thanks and finished the rest of my shopping. He had a bit of “hungry eyes” but did not manipulate in any way.

    In my chaste and solitary world, this was noteworthy, lol.

    I’m with you, though, about being hit on. I find it to be a dating conundrum: any man who is bold enough to approach a total stranger with flattery immediately puts me on guard (he likely makes a habit of this), but I would never approach a man myself, so then I never meet the guys I would potentially hit it off with because they’re not the types to approach a woman they don’t know. So how do you meet quality people if not through friends (that well is dry) or work (not something I want to do)? I’m not too concerned about it, but it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought.

    August 13, 2014 at 9:19 am #63283
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Are you perhaps placing too much emphasis on the seriousness of the situation, when approaching a person to get to know them?

    I was going to write all kinds of stuff, but then I realized that I am not in the position of giving any kind of advice in this area 🙂 Pretty much all the more serious relationships that I’ve had have come through Internet. Not on dating sites (though that has happened as well), but on other social platforms. That kind of approach was always safe for me. I had a chance to observe them for a while first and could connect over thoughts. That’s difficult to do in an environment that’s designed for “hooking up”.

    My track record with relationships is so poor that I really shouldn’t say anything on this topic 🙂

    August 13, 2014 at 9:36 am #63285
    Kelly
    Participant

    LOL you make me smile, The Ruminant. I always appreciate your thoughts on topics on these boards so don’t feel like you should hold back based on a “track record”. I wouldn’t be on this board myself if I had it all figured out 😉

    To answer your question, I’m not sure I think of any given social situation as serious, per se, it’s just not my personality to walk up to a stranger and say hi or make small talk. I enjoy chatting with people when they approach me, but I don’t feel comfortable (or the desire) to walk up to a stranger and introduce myself and chit chat. I’m more likely to walk up to strangers and say hi in a “controlled” environment (for lack of a better word) – for instance at a party or a wedding where there seems to be an easy intro “How do you know so-and-so?” versus a simple “Hey, how are you doing?” at a bar full of strangers, for example. “Networking” events or anything where there is “mingling” beforehand makes me itch. Now I sound like I’m overanalyzing this stuff. Point being, I’m generally leery of men who approach me out of nowhere as they seem kind of smarmy, or lothario types, but then I’m too inhibited to reach out to meet the shy “nice guys” who keep to themselves. That’s not to say I won’t consider dating a man who approaches me out of nowhere (hence my last 3.5 year relationship), but I’m typically on-guard unless our meeting is a little bit more organic.

    I dunno, I’ll just keep on keepin on and wait for Prince Charming to fall out of the sky until I come up with a better plan 😉

    August 13, 2014 at 10:10 am #63287
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I liked “Tao of Dating” and “Get the Guy” as dating books. They’re genuinely interesting books, even if you’re not “on the prowl” 🙂

    I’ve understood that basically, as a woman, it should be enough that you have eye contact and smile. After that, you’re set. If you wave at them a bit, then they have no choice but to come and talk to you 🙂 Someone signals that they want to talk to you, then you have to go and ask what they want. Basic human nature. Bold, but pretty fool proof 🙂

    I personally tend to just start talking with people, because I’m just genuinely interested in people. Plus I find myself in new adventures when I just randomly start to get to know people in different places 🙂 I approach people with “detached interest”. I show interest in having a conversation, but don’t force it. Or I show interest in that person, but not out of desperation or neediness. People usually like that. I like that when someone does that to me. It’s fun to start talking with a totally new person who’s not after something. Almost always those conversations start with an observation of some sort about something. So it’s not really “Hello, how are you doing?” Of course, if the person isn’t anywhere near you, then you are going to have to walk over to them and say something, and that’s kind of tough. That is a direct way of approaching and is kind of intimidating to everyone involved 🙂 Unless you do the signalling first and “force” them to come to you 🙂

    August 14, 2014 at 8:09 am #63360
    Kelly
    Participant

    Thanks, The Ruminant. I’ve added the two books to my reading list 🙂

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