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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 34 total)
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  • #63228
    popi
    Participant

    Visiting his facebook profile

    I mean that……I don’t want anymore to ‘spy’ my ex’s profile on facebook.It not normal and i’m wasting my life.
    We broke up one year ago.He broke up with me.Okay,all these doesn’t matter anymore.
    When i do things that i like,i live for the moment,any thoughts in my mind disappear…
    BUT when i don’t have anything to do and when I go back home my mind goes to this. ( for example i check the songs he posts etc).
    I want to be happy, I am…but not all the time….It’s the feeling that nothing goes wrong but something is here to make you feel a little bit sad. (the past,thoughts,actions,feelings). Today,my life is much better than the last year, I’ve passed a difficult journey with this fact (rejection), i feel better with myself, but……

    Do you have any thoughts that can help me except of finding another guy? ( i don’t want any relationship yet, not because i want him but i want to be in my own world for a time 🙂 )

    I’ve thought little tricks such as:

    1)deleting facebook account , but i can’t because i need it for my studies.

    2)blocking ex’s profile (we are not ‘friends’ on facebook of course) , but when i do it i go back and undo it. (cause i am curious to see what’s happening in his life,yes it’s pathetic)

    p.s. except of facebook he have an account on youtube but this doesn’t affect me because i can’t see what’s happening).

    If you have anything to suggest,let me know!
    Thanks,
    Popi.

    #63253
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Somehow I’m thinking that trying to trick or distract yourself from checking out his Facebook page would be doing yourself a disservice. Do you keep promises that you make to other people? Why wouldn’t you keep a promise that you make to yourself of never looking at his FB page again. It is harming to you and it’s just a FB page. It requires no extra physical effort to not look at it.

    Having this kind of control over yourself and the situation would also result in a better self-esteem. Now you are constantly undermining yourself, whilst if you just made the decision to stop and stuck with it, you would feel so much more empowered.

    So, no tricks needed. Just stop doing it. If you can’t, then you should ask yourself how can you build some self-esteem and self-control to manage such a task, instead of coming up with ways to lure yourself out of it. You shouldn’t have to manipulate yourself into doing things.

    When you are about to look at his page, just remember how bad it’s going to make you feel. Somehow you are now thinking that you’re going to get a salvation from the pain that you are feeling by prodding the wound. That’s not real control though. The real control would be to focus on self-care and keeping your promises to yourself. Other people aren’t the answer. You are.

    #63258
    popi
    Participant

    @The Ruminant..thank you for answering.
    You’re absolutely right but I don’t have so much self-discipline or self-confidence which can’t help it.
    I mean that this guy doesn’t love me anymore obviously and i’m constantly thinking of him.This is unfair.

    I don’t keep promises to other people when i change my mind,neither to myself.I know that no physical effort needed,but it’s hard to do it..
    I’ve tried to block him, I’ve tried to not visit his profile for 2 days ….. this was for such a small time.Then i get back visiting it.
    A month ago i sent him a birthday message (i hadn’t any thoughts or purposes,i just did it) and a few days since then i saw
    a video he uploaded saying this ”it’s dedicated to someone i love so much that words cannot describe” (These kind of things stop me from my goal.)
    I KNOW,I KNOW……it’s not for me…but everytime i see something … it sensitizes me.
    I know that there’s no reason for me to do it, but maybe i don’t have enough self-esteem……
    The thing is that i wasn’t happy in the relationship…..

    How can I stop doing it?? Everytime i do it, i feel pressure like my own mind controls me
    the bad side of me tells me to do it,the good not to.
    always the bad wins!
    My beliefs are that you have to try and if you can’t achieve it you must ask pressure to yourself (try harder ever if you don’t feel good doing it).and i don’t feel good with pressure i feel that i am hurting myself ,i’m punishing me (when i ask pressure not to visit it)
    and when i do the opposite (just feel free and look what he does) i (again) don’t feel good with my actions,i regret it!!
    I’ve fallen into my own trap.

    #63259
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    In that case, it’s really not even just about the issue of checking out his FB page, but to really gain some control over your own mind. To stop listening to the side of you that tells you to act in irrational ways that only end up hurting you, and to start giving more power to the side of you that understands what is truly best for you. It takes some time and effort, but if you can manage to do that, then it not only helps you with this situation, but in life in general. Instead of the chaos of the mind, you could have peace and serenity and control over your own life.

    When your mind tells you to do things you know you shouldn’t, just take a moment before you start reacting to it and start making decisions based on your fleeting emotions. Instead of reacting, take a moment to observe the thoughts and feelings that come to you and urge you to do something right now. Consciously try to be more patient and just allow those thoughts and feelings to come and go. This is a good time to practice, as whether or not you end up deciding to look at his FB page isn’t really a matter of life and death. So there is really no real pressure. You can even make a game out of it. Notice when you start to tell yourself to do these things. Is the feeling different from how you are usually feeling? Why would such a demand pop up in your head? Are you feeling scared and this is the response to such a feeling? Then perhaps think for a while how you could soothe your fear without taking such action as going straight to Facebook.

    The more you patiently allow those “urgent demands” to come and go and you notice that you actually have some power over your own mind, the easier it becomes. If you fail, then just get back on the horse and try again. Seek healthier ways to take care of yourself than to instantly react to all fleeting emotions. Learning this is incredibly beneficial to you in life in general, so perhaps this painful break-up can work as a catalyst for you to learn a very helpful skill.

    #63260
    popi
    Participant

    And what if i truly feel that it’s okay to visit his profile?….It’s not,but,thoughts,thoughts,thoughts…

    When i went on vacation,i didn’t have internet connection and i was free,no worries about anything but..then i went back home..

    So,it’s all about taking control of my thoughts? Can this cause me any problems? …i don’t want to be insane.
    It’s better when you do sth with free mind,if i can control it i maybe lose my sanity.I don’t know if it’s right.I don’t want to feel any pressure by myself.If I have the temptation in front of me maybe i’ll obey,but if i don’t have any,it’s easier to do it.

    I’ved tried to persuade myself not to do it, ………oh.

    #63261
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I guess we see things differently. To me it’s a sign of sanity to be able to be patient instead of following every impulse and to not listen to every thought and feeling that comes to me 🙂 I guess you find fear in dealing with your mind in general? Perhaps do things that would get you more grounded in reality. Ditch the computer for a moment and go outside into the nature and take in all the sights and sounds through your senses.

    Removing all temptations from your environment for the rest of your life does not sound like a very rational nor practical idea.

    Also, you say that you are trying to persuade yourself. You may try to persuade other people to do what you want, but why would you even have to persuade yourself? It’s you and if you’re not the one in control, then who is?

    #63262
    Inky
    Participant

    Can you try, going cold turkey for one day, then visiting FB? Then two days? Then three? Build up your muscle. Also, reward yourself with something awesome every time you make it to more days in a row. There’s an app I think called Streaks that will help you keep track. I predict that after 21 days or so, just the thought of logging into FB itself will make you feel slightly nauseous. Good Luck!!

    #63263
    popi
    Participant

    When i see what he ‘does’ in his profile, i feel 1.guilty for doing it. 2.i feel sad cause he don’t love me anymore
    3.im afraid of he will find another woman and i don’t know when this will take place,i’m afraid even more.This will be healing cause when i’ll see her i’ll stop visiting it.
    4.i’m curious about what’s up on his life,i see how he is feeling

    Yes,i want to control myself but i don’t want to feel pressure.

    Fear comes when i think that something bad will happen (he’ll find a woman obviously,..oh,i’m tired of all these)
    Yes removing temptations isn’t a brave action,but it’s easiest way not the right.

    Although i’m doing things for myself but not many…
    i go for a walk,i have people who love me and i have a lot of things to do but i don’t take care of myself so much.
    for example,i want to achieve some goals since 3 years..i haven’t achieve them yet.I’m so mad with myself and I feel shit about this because these goals are so easy to achieve (daily exercise,eating healthy and study for my degree because it’s been a long time that i fought …with goals.If i’ll delay it more,maybe i wouldn’t take the degree.) I mean why i don’t try for myself?
    These things would make me happy but i don’t even try for them.And this is another reason why i’m thinking of him….because i don’t do things that gives me pleasure.(for myself!!)

    Thanks so much for answering,and excuse my english..please. (i guess you understood it by my grammar or syntax,i don’t know! haha)

    #63264
    popi
    Participant

    @inky,

    Yes,i read somewhere that the habit lies in few days process.20-21 DAYS to get used to sth..i haven’t try it yet, it’s always on my mind and i can’t stop it.I said to myself that i will not visit it for one month but 2 days it was the time.
    I’ll check the app.
    ha! https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=uk.amimetic.habits
    This is it!

    Thanks!Good luck to you ,too.

    #63265
    popi
    Participant

    The fun party is that he doesn’t have power in me but i fight myself which is harder.
    If i had to do with him ,i’ll get rid of him and that’s it.
    But i can’t get away from myself,it’s always here.haha

    #63266
    Inky
    Participant

    Yeah, when I visit FB, I always realize that misery is right around the corner, just one click away. So which reality would I rather live in? In my happy, private, simple one, of course! I log in, scan my Feed for a minute (literally), play my game, log out. I only check on my kids’ Walls. I “Hide” people, make Friends “Acquaintances”, oh so gradually cut down on my Friends list.

    And at his end, what guy (or girl) would write on their Wall “I miss so-and-so.” “Thinking about my beloved ex again.” No one!! People only write about happy things, not depressing ones.

    And of course he will get a new girlfriend! Just as surely as you will get a new boyfriend! You know this!!

    Yeah, try the gradual detox method.

    You can do this!!

    #63267
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    You don’t have to gather pressure. Right now you are going into war with yourself. But what if you took a passive approach and just sat and waited until the moment would pass? Just allowing those thoughts to come and go without grabbing onto them and starting to create pressure. There is no pressure unless you fight back. Don’t fight it, but don’t listen to those thoughts either.

    If someone yells at you and you start to yell back, then there is a conflict and you’ll feel the pressure. But if someone yells at you and you refuse to respond to it in any way, there will be no conflict and the other party that is yelling will eventually stop, because they’re not gaining any control over you. You’ll just let the whole thing pass without adding resistance. Does that make sense?

    #63268
    popi
    Participant

    Ι’ll do this even if i’m not sure for myself!!!
    I know this is hard but i have to do it.
    I must go on………

    Yes i agree and i think facebook is so miserable and many people in our days.
    i don’t want them to be in my life. not to hear news from them.
    i want to be happy and calm and these people destroy my life..
    anxiety ,depression..all these things i don’t have and i don’t want to have because deep inside i’m a fighter.
    i don’t suffer from depression and i prefer to be alone if all people have this…I must stand by my own world if it’s necessary.

    #63269
    popi
    Participant

    Yes it makes sense.
    I give resistance and my hand goes to check the profile.
    sometimes i feel bad, other, i have a feeling that ”i have to look if sth goes wrong with him”……..it’s hilarious.
    i mean if sth happened and i didn’t know it. my mind plays games. nothing more.

    yes it’s a fight with myself.

    This moment destroys me–> when i am thinking if it’s right to check or not. When i say ”i don’t do it,no no no” then magically it happens..i go and check.
    on the other hand,when i do sth for myself i don’t even think about it.but this can’t happen all the time..there are times in the day that i’m relaxing,in fact i don’t do anything and thoughts are taking place.this is the worst moment.
    when i stay to watch a movie with my family or friends it’s okay,if i don’t like the movie my thoughts are taking place again.
    Especially,when i feel good no thoughts at all, when i don’t feel okay (sad,bored,etc) i’m thinking all of these bad things i shouldn’t think.

    sometimes when i am doing the dishes,cleaning the house and all that stuff ,my mind is so in the present moment,it’s clear…i don’t even think about the ”now”,nothing at all.
    I am drawing,i’m doing a collage,i’m playing with the dog……there’s no ex at all..! :p

    Yes i believe in it,you give the power to the thought to grow.Can i do it all the time? i mean ,Can i avoid the thought or should i let this pass? And how i’ll let the thing pass? …..

    #63270
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    You can’t directly avoid having thoughts. They will pop up in your head. But you don’t have to respond to them or fear them. They’re just thoughts that come and go, if you let them.

    All of what you are describing is pretty much exactly how people usually behave. To be able to let go of thoughts is a skill that can be learned. Just like learning how to keep yourself clean or how to tidy up a room or how to do laundry. Without those skills the stuff is going to pile up and becomes difficult to manage.

    I think that there are other people here who would be better at teaching meditation skills (@amatt), but in general, that is what meditation is: to learn how to cope with the mind in a skilful way.

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