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- This topic has 2 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by The Ruminant.
August 13, 2014 at 9:59 pm #63341AParticipant
I just recently asked my husband of ten years for a trial separation. I had gotten tired of being ignored and under appreciated and felt like we were just roommates working, taking care of the kids and sleeping. He rarely took the time to be with the kids and I, he was always working. I had told him many times in the past that to feel loved, I need to be told. I don’t need flowers, or candlelight dinners or jewelry, I just want someone to tell me they love me, or they’re thinking of me, or they think I’m pretty. He never did that. When I told him I wanted a separation to figure things out, he got very, very upset. He told me he thought I’d just been “emotional”. A week after, he attacked me in our home with our kids around. I called the police, he was arrested and I bailed him out a day later with a “no contact order”. I don’t know what to do. No one in our families understand why I asked for the separation and no one seems to be on my side for calling the police. He’s a wonderful father and a good provider, but I’m not in love with him anymore. Do I give him another chance because it’s easier financially and easier on the kids? Or do I stick with it and follow my heart knowing that I don’t think I love him anymore and stay separated?August 14, 2014 at 12:58 am #63348WillParticipant
When you say “attack”, you mean a physical attack?
If so calling the police was a completely appropriate thing to do. What he did was serious, and your response was serious, and that’s correct. You don’t fuck about when it comes to domestic violence. Don’t let your family spin your head around on this.
There’s one part of me that wants to say, “he’s an abuser, get out, get out!” but there’s another part that wants to see the other side. Has he been violent before? Does he have anger issues? Was he just so upset and confused by this completely out of the blue separation that he lost his mind? And why was he upset? Is it that he’s heartbroken at the thought of losing you and the kids, or because his nice, easy stable little home life which he didn’t have to put any effort into was suddenly disintegrating? Was he sad at having lost you through his neglect, or angry at losing control?
You mention flowers, candlelight dinners and jewelry. Is that what he gave you, but you just wanted to be told? Or did he in fact give you nothing at all, not even a verbal confirmation that he loved you, despite you asking more than once, and showing him by “being emotional” that this was something you actually cared about?
I believe in second chances. I believe people can change. But I think you should ask yourself some serious questions like these.
And I wish you strength and support and comfort in this difficult time. I hope your course will become clear soon, and then easier and easier as you sail along.August 14, 2014 at 1:23 am #63349The RuminantParticipant
Essentially, everything that Will said. In addition to that, there’s one thing that is bothering me. Let’s say that you both would have cultivated love in your hearts. This irrespective of other people. Just cultivating the ability to feel love within. When that happens, in my experience, it kind of starts to flow freely towards others as well and it is seen and heard. When I look at the situation you’re describing, it feels like the whole terrain is completely dried up on both ends. How can either of you give something that you don’t have? Does he feel loved and cared for? It doesn’t sound like it. So then you have a stand off situation where both need more than they can give. I would lower the weapons for a moment and sit down and talk, not only about your own needs, but capabilities of giving love.
Isn’t there that book, Five Love Languages, that talks about the difference in needs and empty love tanks and so on? I’ve heard a lot of good things about it. Perhaps take a look at it as well?