Forum Replies Created
June 23, 2022 at 8:35 pm #402969
Hello Anita, thank you for reading, always. I know last time you asked me a lot of things and you made me wonder so much what was going on with my heart, it seems it’s always in pain or something.
Before, words helped me. Now I’m clearly lacking something else. I appreciate your good wishes and answers, though. I feel so clueless.
In regards to your last question, I no longer feel like I have that much of an out of proportion temper. It seems to me so sad that I would say that, actually. Like so hard on myself and not entirely accurate, man, amazing. I realize too that those were words said by people who abused me several times… so it’s confusing. I wont say I didn’t make mistakes but, I now realize that the pattern of emotional abuse in my family is very complicated and sneaky. Now, after many years, I’ve realized they’re pathological narcissists, which is the reason why I don’t count on them for any of this. The way they treated me when my mother passed just did it for me and I could finally connect the dots and free myself. I now know that what I actually wanted was just nice words, nice tone, and be able to be myself: sweet as I actually am. This is, I guess, one of my most important frustrations in life, FOR SURE, I haven’t understood it all, so I must have a blindspot because I honestly think my case has been really unfortunate, and I don’t care about calling myself a victim, sometimes we have to do that in order to recognize what has happened, but at the same time, I feel so impotent. Many times, I guess, it’s easier to believe you have something wrong you can fix, and not that actually, you’re pretty okay and people still will treat you poorly. Then, how can you fix that? Again, I of course have my mistakes, but I guess I’m too guarded now to actually go and open myself up to people who at my age are even more guarded, everyone is on a contest of who cares less about relationships and so on. Anyways, I know I can have a strong temper but it mostly comes when I’m already being abused… so, I guess sometimes it has “saved” me (not really cause they abused me more but at least I didn’t think I deserve it entirely). I realize now that there was a pattern of family emotional abuse I was suffering and many of my partners were not my allies but quite the contrary. In fact, I was speaking with my friends recently and we were commenting on how unfair it was that I had to grow up believing that, when in fact, I spent too long just defending myself, and was seldom just able to be my relaxed self without abuse coming towards me. I do not believe I have an explosive temperament anymore, it’s been ages since explosiveness has happened. But I haven’t really been able to relax entirely with someone anymore. I’m afraid I’m too guarded now, and if you ask my friends, they would say I’m the funniest, or peaceful person ever. I guess it had much to do with the abusive relationships I was in at the time, although I know some people will say I’m pretty sensitive. Back then in 2014, my god, that boyfriend I had was jealous, didn’t wwant me to wear make up, forced me to stay in a room during fights… I mean, no way. BUT anyways, I don’t want to defend everything about myself, I want to learn, to be better, to give and receive, people say I have a good heart, and I think that. I also believe I am very serious about treating people well, and I havent gotten that, many, many times. So, what would you say? How can we solve this idea of not needing people but at the same time needing them? When coaches and therapists say we should give ourselves what we havent received from others, physical affection? community? what do we do with that? I dont’ want to beg for love, or take breadcrumbing, neither I want to be alone forever. Also, what if I want to be soft but I see, with good sense, that some people wont value that. I move on, I have no control over this, but I still feel the void, I am still, not loved in that sense.
Thank you for reading again.June 23, 2022 at 4:57 pm #402963
Also, If I may add, I know I am still greiving, and I no longer know what pain belongs where. The truth is I’m frustrated and mad that she had to go, even sometimes at her, and I miss her, I am afraid I’ll forget her… by becoming this weird version of myself who has no heart, or love, or who to express that love towards. I am truly just heartbroken, truly, have no idea where or how to go from here, especially when people are no longer around.January 21, 2021 at 5:26 pm #373264
“To further elaborate: Like attracts like but also repels and some of our “ghosts” – fears and hurts – picked up from our past will feed off each other and grow, developing into a negative codependency or our “ghosts” will shine a light on each other, fade and move forward. In the process both are likely to happen”
Yes Peter, thank you so much, I think I get what you are saying. It does seem to me like every need is valid, then… How complicated can relationships be…October 6, 2019 at 11:24 pm #316413
Hello Anita, yes, thank you for welcoming me back. You’re absolutely right. Sometimes it’s just that simple, I do need someone whose thinking is simpler and clearer. I guess complexity just is so much more appealing in many levels, but maybe it’s not worth the confusion that comes with it. After some weeks and days of this I finally solved it and let him go.
Do you have any thoughts on this?:
Reading recent posts I came across someone who said they were more confident after distancing themselves from men who stirr up anxiety in them. I’ve always struggled listening to myself because I feel responsible for my feelings of insecurity but then, when I check things up I realize people also have something to do with that… How do you differentiate that? And know if its a red flag coming from a guy or person or its your own thing to solve?September 24, 2019 at 12:58 am #313897
I have little to share but I’m loving your story and how you wrote it. I can almost feel the connection! I hope you get your answers. It does seem like a difficult choice to make since it’s such a difficult kind of connection to encounter.
Hola @Grenada, can you please expand on this?:
“Your TF regardless to where they are physically will always be connected to you. So boundaries are also important . Especially spiritual boundaries. But yours doesn’t seem to be like at that annoying stage yet.”
How do you know if you’ve got your spiritual boundaries on the right place? What happens in the annoying stage?
Thank you, light and good day.April 1, 2019 at 9:45 pm #287257
thank you for your all of your responses, I was just coming to answer back the first one and realized there was a newer one. Well, reading that memory lane history was really shocking and I appreaciate you did it. I was just speechless. It’s so sad! I see here I’ve gotten lots of things that I really didn’t deserve (and it’s terrible because many therapists have also told me, or told me back then, things like “don’t victimize yourself”, etc., which only made things worse, whenever I felt the true need to value myself and speak up, which at the same time requiered for me to recognize unfair treatment, I got really discouraged. It’s been a long road of really one bad experience after another, and I don’t necessarily believe I want to be there or I attract them, I think people sometimes are really not compassionate, not respectful, and that has put me in some serious debate with some people who think differently. If you don’t mind, Id like to answer your first question. Which one of those anger expressions were common in me? Well… that’s also one story that might connect to this. Mi wasn’t even that free regarding that expression of anger now that I’ve been able to look back at that narrative, that was something my first boyfriend used to tell me a lot. And I have a strong temper and personality, so I thought he was very right when he shamed me for being angry (after he was actually lying to me and I just felt it but couldn’t prove it so got really mad many times). He made me think I had some issues around that and it’s just until now that I’ve started to feel how damaging it was to suppress and doubt myself from those feelings, since now I’ve carried that along with me for a long time, I grew ashamed of being angry, because his abuse was not evident and many people dislike very much any expression of the so-called “negative” emotions. I don’t really know if I could ever free myself from that submission with him, or others. These guys you read here, I always answer with some argument and rational remark and more and more I’ve started to just get baffled by lame or disrespectful attitudes and nothing else. I say what I think, I get sad, I get angry but feel powerless, impotent with what I’ve seen in humanity my recent years. That, I think, is my predominant emotion, or feeling, or lack of. It’s hard. But I do think you’re right about sex and letting things wake up from another perspective first. Nevertheless, when you postpone sex guys are still there for the mere interest of sex, generally speaking, so it’s really not so clear sometimes when they want to be there for you or just to get it. I think I’m still giving off that weird vibe and they go away easily. Also I believe though that this quickly turns into love or friendship, and I still need to take care of my heart. All of this just thoughts before I sleep, sorry if it’s too chaotic and monological. Thank you for making me reflect on my past, hasn’t been nice what’s ive seen here. Also, looks like I really feel ugly, not so much for me, but because others have cared to inform me what they think on my looks lote than once (now that I see it) and it sucks, I really had blocked many of those… and I can trust myself and think I am more valuable than that but now I understand why I feel so doubtful, it hasn’t come only from myself and I think that has been really unfortunate, I didn’t deserve that and can’t really avoid ruminating on those comments and wondering if they’re right, horrific.
Cheers and all my best.March 25, 2019 at 9:38 pm #286389
Thank you for your response Anita. I’m sure you’re right about this:
“‘this level of boring’ can be cured by something new”
but also I’m not really sure about how to make a detailed plan or a more methodic approach to a relationship with another, I mean, I still don’t have it but do you mean like manifesting it? Thanks, have a nice day. 🙂March 25, 2019 at 9:34 pm #286385
Hello Shae! Thank you so much for your response, is chakra cleaning the same as chakra opening? I am afraid to “open” them because I’ve I’ve already had experiences with not so positive entities and weird energies so I would like to know, since I’ve also found many recordings in YouTube but don’t know which one I should start with. I really don’t know much about the subject but I do know I’m really sensitive to all of it. Do you have any suggestions? I am absolutely up for trying the womb healing as well.
Thank you, have a great day!
January 23, 2016 at 3:37 pm #93435
- This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by faber castell.
Dear Roxanna, thank you for the input and your thoughts, also, I was wondering, what is it that you see of her behavior? Like she clanged onto me but didn’t really want me?January 23, 2016 at 3:32 pm #93433
Thank you so much for your input, anita and Roxanna. To be honest, I haven’t been able to send it or even wrap my head around what I need to say and be more precise about it. I’m full of fear. Why do you think people always advice against sending these kind of post-breakup e-mails? I feel embarrassed to say I do care about it, I feel embarrassed just by thinking she ever loved me at all and now I feel like I have to “suck it up” because I can’t really force anyone to be anything different than they are, or to love me. I feel like I have nothing to demand here… and she will know how much I actually care when and give her an ego stroke or something. I think I should write it (many times I do) but I’m too afraid. Any thoughts?
Also my self esteem has crashed and now I feel I’ll never be able to be with any other girl ever (I’m heterosexual but since her I’ve really wanted to find another girl and I don’t like any and the ones I like don’t even look at me). Ugh.
October 21, 2014 at 12:01 pm #66587
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by faber castell.
If I might add, I think I’m starting to get depressed, my sleep patterns are off.September 8, 2014 at 10:39 am #64582
@amatt Also, if you don’t mind sharing, where does your good insight come from? (english is not my first language so excuse me if the question sounds weird!) I mean, I’m curious because you do seem to be a very kind person while still having a very keen eye for unacceptable situations and behaviors, your help to others feels very balanced 🙂 do you have any suggestions on material to read or watch about this subject of mine or something that has served you in your path to become who you are? It’s really nice to read someone who can establish boundaries and still be kind. Thank you.
September 8, 2014 at 10:27 am #64580September 8, 2014 at 9:40 am #64578
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by faber castell.
Thank you so much for your words, you are absolutely right, it’s a relief to know that someone else sees this as manipulation as sometimes one gets so caught up in the middle of the situation that its easy to start doubting… as I told Matt the second I read his post just helped me send that text and that was it, but then your post came along and it had real insight as well so I felt much more reassured, he is selfish and egotistical!!!I never said anything else to him, I just asked him to take back his stuff and drop mine and as I say above, I don’t know if I should just leave it at that, I don’t know if that was enough to take my power back? and..do you think this guy is a narcissist?
Thank you thank you thank you all for taking the time to help a stranger, your kindness and firmness really helped me admit the vile nature in all of this.
@talkingwithtinybuddah I will go easy on myself, and I’m more and more glad everyday to know that I’m not having this ever again.
@kree thank you for your healing thoughts, I hope you also have healed already from the horror it is to be in an abusive relationship.
Peace and blessings.September 8, 2014 at 9:13 am #64575
thank for your words, your metaphors and the way you put it just got to my heart and I think you really got it. My lesson here is learning how to slam the door on venomous beings, away from my heart. That day I was really doubtful about what to do, since he had his car here I didn’t know if I better waited for him to come so that I could say everything I wanted to, but your message helped me solve it, I was not gonna wait since he probably would do something nasty or would even think I was still considering getting together. Although I didn’t get into thoughts about his behavior, I sent him a text asking him that when he came by for his car he gave in my stuff (not to me but to a roommate) and pick up his. So I wanted you to know, and give you an update, I read your post and as I read it I hit send, it gave me the courage and reassurance I needed, and it was the best thing I could do because the next day he came and picked his car without saying a word (just a lot of noise from his car) and without giving me back my stuff or picking up his. (He can keep my books and enjoy them, I can buy new ones) I thank the universe and you for letting me have that moment of clarity, I don’t know how I would’ve felt if I hadn’t stated my position and he had just taken his car. Still there’s a part of me who would love to say everything I couldn’t say that day… I just don’t know if it’s worth it.
Thank you, really, I feel kindness and wisdom in you, it’s really nice that you as many others take a minute of your day to help someone, this time I think it was decisive.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by faber castell.