ghosted in my first lesbian relationship

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    faber castell

    It’s really painful to even tell the story, again. But I feel maybe you as a loving kind community might help me. I was recently ghosted by the first woman I’ve ever dated, I’m 29 and she’s 26. This was my first lesbian relationship after a long story of long relationships with men, I was opening up, I was able to talk to my family and friends about her and she knew about this. I never felt like she was a big support or that she even understood how important this was for me, but I thought she was younger than me and unexperienced so, Ok. I took that. We were not okay on our last month, we had broken up before that week and just gotten back together after 3 weeks of being apart. We were trying to mend things and I was really sensitive. I mostly just felt like I couldn’t read her too well, it felt like she was uneasy or unhappy or whatever but she always reassured me it was just insecurity, that she felt fortunate to be with me and that she loved me. Although, immature ideas about love surrounded her, I think. She said she loved me most of the times and I couldn’t help but wonder why she’d say it but also act so uneasy and nervous and insecure and how those attitudes would rarely go away during the good times (birthdays, a picnic day, a park day, etc.) I replied back to the love thing just a few times, I thought we were still building things and that the word shouldn’t come out during the bad times but also the good ones. Thing is, I felt uneasy too, and I knew she spent time with one of her coworkers, and I was jealous or felt sad about the possibility of her being happier every time they met. I had shared this in a very humble way as to let her know and I asked her if I had any reasons to be jealous about, but I was never angry, and she told me there was nothing to worry about. I trusted her and I believed her. That day, she had a dinner party with her colleagues (including her) and we said we would talk later when she finished so we would stay together that night. She took me on a cab to my house before her dinner party and while we were going I saw she had some cards on her hand and I asked what they were. Turns out they were her colleague’s business cards, I asked why she had them (no snapping, just asking) and she gave me almost 5 contradicting answers. I asked again, why? what? then she told me she was just nervous because she knew it was something I thought about and she didn’t want to make me think there was anything going on, so by doing so she knew she was confusing me. We got to my house in that precise moment. I got mad, naturally, after her not being clear and still not being able to choose an answer so I got off the car and told her I thought this was very bad timing to get confused. She left for her dinner party and texted me saying there was nothing going on, please, A bunch of emoji and “I swear there’s nothing going on”, to which I replied that I was disappointed, that I was tired of fighting and that I didn’t think there was so much good between is if that happened.To be honest what MOSTLY hurt me was the fact that she had told me she felt happy and peaceful with our communication minutes before this happened. So why couldn’t she trust me and tell me the truth? Why if she felt so good about me would she babble and get “nervous”?

    After two hours passed in which I got no explanation, she came out of her dinner party she asked if we should meet and I was already bitter. I said “seriously?” I probably reacted poorly, yes, and it troubles me, but the fact is this girl turned off her phone that night. At first I thought something had happened because I wrote again and didn’t get any reply. It was midnight when I understood she had turned off her phone, and she never answered any of my calls until this day. A month has passed. That next day I called her and I wrote to her: You know this is hurting me and I think it probably hurts you too. But there was nothing. A couple of weeks ago she left my watch on my house in a ball of paper full of masking tape (I felt it aggressive but hey, she may be just a poor envelope wrapper).

    To be honest, I had believed her. I was hurt because she said to me she was happy, she told me I was everything she needed to wake up in the morning, she told me she loved me and I was in love with her. It was a stupid situation, perfectly solvable, now because of the weakness of her intentions I doubt everything she said, and I need some closure. Ghosting is horrible, I felt as if I had invented everything in my head and dating a girl was a huge step for me. I can’t just ignore this happened. I clearly haven’t been able to get past it. So now, I want to write her an email for closure and for myself. But I haven’t been able to decide how. Would you talk about your feelings or would you only say how wrong you think her behavior is? I don’t want to be judgy but it’s hard and also I feel like she doesn’t deserve so much care right now. I don’t wanna keep being the decent reliable human being for someone who wont reciprocate, even if it’s on this e-mail. I’m just afraid of doing it wrong, I still don’t want to hurt her or to make her hate me even more (I know, I shouldn’t care). What would you say to or about a person who acted like this?

    Thank you for reading such a loooong post.


    I think you deserve closure, that is such a strange end. You deserve to state your feelings, let them out of your heart, there is no need to be mean on purpose but you should definitely state your feelings and say what you really feel. It is the least you can do, just being led like that. I understand a little what led to her behavior as sometimes we want to cling to someone/something even if it’s not what we want exactly. Who may know for her behavior but you are entitled to let her know how she hurt you and that your feelings aren’t to be taken lightly, I think some clarification is good. No harm in that, even if it just for yourself.


    Dear faber castell:

    I would write to her a short message, something authentic that comes from you. Here is what comes to my mind, but of course, it has to be YOUR own:

    I would write something like this: “I cared for you a lot and I believe that you were often not honest with me. It hurt me that you were not honest with me as often as you were. I wish you spoke your mind and told me how it really was for you, then we could have, I would hope, helped each other and loved each other. But being honest, straightforward, direct with me.. these were not your choices. It saddens me. And so, sadly, it is my choice to end our relationship.


    This way you are giving her your honesty (yet again, for the final time, as is) and you are giving her a gift, an opportunity to examine herself. You are letting her experience the CONSEQUENCE of her dishonesty with you, the natural consequence. this is the best you can do, says I.


    faber castell

    Thank you so much for your input, anita and Roxanna. To be honest, I haven’t been able to send it or even wrap my head around what I need to say and be more precise about it. I’m full of fear. Why do you think people always advice against sending these kind of post-breakup e-mails? I feel embarrassed to say I do care about it, I feel embarrassed just by thinking she ever loved me at all and now I feel like I have to “suck it up” because I can’t really force anyone to be anything different than they are, or to love me. I feel like I have nothing to demand here… and she will know how much I actually care when and give her an ego stroke or something. I think I should write it (many times I do) but I’m too afraid. Any thoughts?

    Also my self esteem has crashed and now I feel I’ll never be able to be with any other girl ever (I’m heterosexual but since her I’ve really wanted to find another girl and I don’t like any and the ones I like don’t even look at me). Ugh.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by faber castell.
    faber castell

    Dear Roxanna, thank you for the input and your thoughts, also, I was wondering, what is it that you see of her behavior? Like she clanged onto me but didn’t really want me?

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