Still think about someone I barely know

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    I’m posting this in the hopes that something has had a similar experience with a love interest.  I’ve honestly felt super irrational and torn about this situation for some time now, and just need to get it off my chest and perhaps see if anyone has insight they could share.

    So, about a year or so ago, I met a man (S) unexpectedly at a mutual friend’s party.  We were both pretty intoxicated that night–to the point that I don’t remember some of it–but I remember being really drawn to him from the moment we met.  We talked and danced for much of the night, and I woke up the next with his number written on my hand.

    We started texting and met up a few times after that.  Each time felt more and more intense.  I”ve had my fair share of relationships and men that I’ve had great chemistry with, but this felt different somehow.  I felt connected to him in a way that’s really difficult to put into words; our connection felt deeply romantic, emotional, spiritual, even.  In those few dates, we had conversations that felt really real to me, like we were showing each other the self that you normally keep tucked away until you know someone well (and perhaps not even then).  He revealed deep-seated insecurities to me and I found myself sharing the same insecurities, the same fears.   I experienced this strange, heady mix of feeling like I could completely be myself around him, but I also felt deeply nervous about the intensity of what I was already beginning to feel towards him.   There was a dreamlike quality to our time together, fueled by the fact said “dates” consisted of going to bar after bar and getting very intoxicated before heading back to his apartment to smoke weed and talk some more and cuddle.

    A month or so went by, and I felt deeply anxious.  His texts became less frequent, and I sensed what I thought was waning interest on his part.  He would never want to meet on the weekends–unless it really late–and he specifically referred to our time together as “hanging out” as opposed to dating.  I knew that I needed to express my needs–that I wasn’t looking to just hang out, that I was in a stage in my life where I’m looking to actually “date” and explore the possibility of a real relationship–but I was too scared to ruin something that was only starting to develop.  I felt ambivalent–should I let things unfold or end things before I got hurt?  The more friends I talked to about it, the more I was convinced that he didn’t really like me that much (even though he said he did) and that I was setting myself up for inevitable disappointment.

    I am a very sensitive person and definitely have an “anxious” attachment style when it comes to dating, and because he works in the music industry and is a successful executive of a company with a fast-paced/glamorous lifestyle, I found myself completing overanalysing everything, wondering why he’d be attracted to me. My thoughts went to a very dark place, where I was reminded of every relationship I’ve had where I didn’t feel enough.  I found myself gripped with insecurity, doubt and fear, which exacerbated the depressive state I was already in when I met him.  I had a lot going on at the time, and my mental health and sense of self-worth weren’t exactly in the best place.

    I ended up ending things between us after a little over a month together.  Something about the situation was triggering really uncomfortable and painful feelings in me, and I didn’t feel capable of processing with them in a mature way.  I knew that we were both on different pages when it came to what we wanted out of the situation, and the rational part of me felt that I would spare myself a lot of heartbreak. There was a short exchange of messages where we both said heartfelt things and wished the best for each other.

    After that, I found myself thinking about him all the time, despite the fact that we’d only hung out a handful of times.  As silly as it sounds, we had had a shared playlist where we had both added songs we liked, and even after we stopped seeing each other we both added songs on the playlist, songs with emotional and romantic lyrics.  I became determined to work on myself, date around and get him off my mind, but I still kept thinking and wondering about him, reminiscing about our conversations and our time together.  I began to implement a lot of positive changes in my life.  I read self-help books, talked to friends more openly about spiritual matters.  I began to work on loving myself more, drink significantly less, do positive affirmations, meditate more regularly.  I exercised and became fitter than I’d been in a while.  I also met a man, N, that I cared about and respected, even though I never fell “in love” with him.   But through this past year, even when I was dating N, I continued to think about S frequently, even dream about him.  I stumbled on the idea of twin flames which actually worsened things, as I began to wonder if S was my twin flame.  We were only born 4 days apart, we complimented each other in a lot of ways, and I began to do a lot of soul-searching and make positive changes to my life shortly after meeting him (all signs of a “twin flame” relationship).  But in the back of my mind, I feared that this concept, this label, was merely fueling the fixation I felt towards S, and the deeply rational part of me felt that I just needed to “get over” this person I barely knew.  We both contacted each other a couple of times by text, but the conversation would either die between us or I would purposely put a stop to it because it didn’t feel right to communicate with someone I was still really into but just popped into my life when he felt like it.

    Because we met each other through mutual friends, I ended up seeing him several more times in group settings–including a friend’s bachelorette party that guys were not invited to, but that he ended up “crashing” with another guy friend.  It was like he was trying to find ways to spend time with me.  He also went to a wedding across the country that my friend suspected he came to just to see me.   Each time we saw each other we would gravitate towards each other like magnets and have intense conversations, but would never do anything physical.  He knew N was in the picture so nothing could happen between us anyway, but we exchanged a series of intense texts that made me wonder if maybe he had had feelings towards me after all.

    Things came to a head at our mutual friend’s birthday celebration.  Somehow we ended up alone, together, and because I had too much to drink that night (something that I always tended to do when he was around)  things felt hazy and surreal.  Up until then, though things had been flirty between us the couple of times we’d seen each other post-“breakup”, they had never progressed.  But that night, he ended up telling me that I looked beautiful, and that he regretted not pursuing things between us, and that he had feelings towards me.  I felt deeply shocked by the whole conversation, because up until then I had truly thought that everything I felt towards him was just my mind playing tricks on me, my imagination running wild.  My friend showed up just as we were beginning to have a really honest conversation and S basically bolted.  He scurried off like a crab into the night– it was almost comical how avoidant he was being of venturing into “emotional” territory. I texted him that I thought we needed to continue the conversation at some point, and he agreed that we needed to talk and that he had a lot that he wanted to tell me.

    The next evening was a continuation of the birthday celebrations at a club, and even though I didn’t want him there (which I felt really guilty about) I invited N to join.  I knew that he would be arriving late, and that I would probably get a chance to speak to S before N arrived.  S and I saw each other and, though we didn’t talk about the previous night, it was like we weren’t bothering to hide our attraction anymore.  Everyone around us noticed.  At one point we even held hands, and it was like this raw, powerful surge of energy and attraction flowed between us.  Eventually N showed up, and even though N was too oblivious to notice anything was wrong, I got really uncomfortable and weirded out by the whole situation.  I knew that it was wrong for me to have had these strong feelings towards S when N and I were starting to get serious.  S texted me, wondering where I’d gone, and I think he got upset by seeing me with N.  We texted afterwards and he basically said that he no longer wanted to continue the conversation we’d started on the rooftop, after all.  I was deeply hurt and disappointed, because I felt that this was the opportunity I’d been waiting for to finally clear the air between us and perhaps move on.  Which is all I wanted–closure.  I had been very open about the fact that I was seeing someone, but I felt like he was just trying to get back at me for what he expressed was me “ghosting him” at the club and having “some guy” show up.  He reiterated that he had feelings towards me, but that he didn’t want to talk about them with me.

    I let anger get the best of me and sent some texts that I shouldn’t have, including calling him a “man child.”  Not my finest moment.  I eventually learned from a friend that he told his roommate that he didn’t understand why I was so “into” him given that we had only been on a few dates.  This was basically one of my worst fears come to life–my fear of unrequited feelings, of being really into someone who didn’t feel the same way.  After I heard this, I sent him a text where I tried to set boundaries and let him know that I just wanted to keep things courteous but distant between us if we happened to see each other again in a social setting.  He never responded.

    Meanwhile, the whole situation made me realize that it was unfair to continue to date N, when I still had such strong feelings towards S.  I broke things off and realized it was for the best.  I continued to work on myself, take a break from dating, start volunteering at a NGO in my spare time and continue to incorporate healthier habits into my life.  I realized how, during the short time S and I dated, we always saw each other through the lens of alcohol, and even afterwards we were never truly sober on the occasions where we met and confessed our feelings towards each other.  I suspect that he’s someone that I just need to move on from, who wouldn’t encourage my healthier, more spiritual, lifestyle, but I don’t know how to do it.  I’ve stopped talking to my friends about it because I realize that none of them understand how I could still have such intense feelings towards someone I went on a few dates with over a year ago at this point.  Sometimes I truly just wonder if there’s something wrong with me, if I have some emptiness inside of me that I’m trying to fill through my romantic attachments.  I’ve searched for answers deep within myself, but nothing really explains why I still can’t get him off my mind.  I just want to feel sane, and whole, and not like I’m missing this person who I still continue to dream about on a semi-regular basis.

    Any similar experiences?  Thoughts on the idea of twin flames?


    Hi yes ,


    i met my twin flame and they are an a hole. Lol . Avoidantly attached, non communicative, can’t tell the truth to save their life. Stalks my social media but never reaches out. If it is your twin flame they sound like a runner . And so they are truly running from themselves and not you so don’t take it personally.


    then I’ll give you what most people would say “those are just labels don’t take it so seriously.”

    but you and I both know how those signs can get. They don’t let you rest until you acknowledge them so.


    Well Idk if you for the signs actually. But if it was your twin flame you’d know.

    twin flames rarely stay together romantically. They prepare people for their soulmates. A TF can turn into a soulmate. But we live in a day in time where less and less people are facing themselves. Many people run away from themselves.

    Also TF usually enhance the others spiritual experience and calling. Since I met mine, I’ve been meeting other people who have met theirs. Or meeting others with very similar stories to mine or my Twin Flame- super similar and so I just guess that’s the purpose. To help those since I’ve healed through mine .


    Also very funny my name starts with a N my twin flame starts with a L.

    the universe is bugging.. as usual

    the universe triggers me more than my TF .. kidding


    Lol “the universe is bugging”–love it.  That’s partly the reason I wanted to share my story, to meet others that have also met their twin flames and hear their experiences–so thank you!  Like I’ve mentioned, none of the friends I’ve spoken to about it really get it, or they think it’s an unhealthy fixation that I just need to get over.  If I could wave a magic wand and make the feelings go away I would…but, unfortunately, I can’t.

    And to respond to what you said–there was a time that I was deeply felt that he was my twin flame, but I’m one of those people that constantly struggles between her head and her heart.  And I’ve felt so hurt (and embarrassed, in a way) by my feelings towards him that I’ve basically talked myself out of it.  But then I’ll have a dream, or hear a song, and fall into this reverie where I think about him and be swept up by the overwhelming feelings that he is my TF.  Or if I’m going through something painful, I’ll think about him, and the thought of him makes me feel better, somehow.

    And yea, I can totally relate to the idea of a TF enhancing one’s spiritual calling.  I’ve definitely felt that’s been the case with me.  And it’s funny how during the few times we hung out together, I felt like my intuition grew to the level where I almost felt psychic.  Like I just knew certain things about him, to the point where he would ask me “how did you know that?”  It was kind of eerie.

    And don’t even get me started on the 11:11 thing lol.  My birthday is on 11/11, and our birthdays are both in November.  So i think the signs are there–I’m just scared to admit them.  Because what i feel for him makes no sense, and I’m truly in a stage of my life where i’m tired of waiting on someone and just want to find someone who cares about me and doesn’t run away.

    Any thoughts on false twin flames?


    They are psychic gifts.

    im a non traditional psychic and many people out there don’t have much accurate information on TF.

    i don’t believe in false TF. You either have one or you don’t. Or it’s still a sacred connection regardless if it activates your gifts or calling. Search up Twin Flame Revolution on YouTube. They are my mentors actually .. don’t tell anyone lol.. nah but we share similar gifts, they are actually on point. They have a video on “false twin flames” I think they hit the nail on the head

    I said the same thing. If I could wave a wand and make it go away I would. Thing is, our higher self chooses this. So we did choose it. I got a few choice words to share with my higher self as well lol. It’s a very unforgiving connection . It shows you you. And we get caught up in the magic and forget the lessons and our own power sometimes. Eventually it gets tiring and we have no choice but to start facing and listening to ourselves . And that cloud finally moves from over our heads. Will the signs still be there? Yes but they let up eventually unless you know, they are thinking about you, are near, or we are not being true to ourselves. Your TF regardless to where they are physically will always be connected to you. So boundaries are also important . Especially spiritual boundaries.

    But yours doesn’t seem to be like at that annoying stage yet.

    Just accept the signs and be open to the lessons. Stay structured in your purpose. Don’t get too caught up in it. Yes it’s annoying. But consider it a blessing . You aren’t alone. God does exist. You so have a purpose. Life goes on.



    Excuse my typos… lol

    I’m always here to talk it out though. I’m just a little jaded.


    I also get the “tired of people running away” piece. Attachment styles also play a role in it.  Not always. Im a secure attachment and I ran at the very beginning, but I ran towards myself. My TF is very avoidant. I thought they were anxious but turns out they are fearful avoidant so a mixture of both.

    Once I became more secure in my attachment style I began to attract others who are more secure . It’s a little boring at first. But it’s a lot more peaceful in the long run.

    I think that’s partially why I’m jaded. I knew I fell in love with my TF because we were at peace. But as soon as all our trauma started to mirror each-other and fears came up, and questions about identity/sexuality , lifestyle differences etc came up… it all kind of blew up in our faces. More so their face lol. I trust my life and my purpose, I’ve learned to listen and take steps forward regardless to not seeing the whole staircase. My TF sort of like me, I think gets caught up in the looks of things. Afraid of how others will perceive them. And not very trusting of life itself. Like if they took risks, they’re afraid it will explode in their face. Type of thing . Me on the other hand , with my experiences and how spiritually loud this situation has been , I’m 90-100 % sure that if we came together things would take off in a positive direction, we’d build together, be financially more abundant, be more sure of our purpose and balance eachother out in it. Because your gifts do activate with the connection .

    But you can also do it all without them. It’s just hard at first until you fully face yourself.

    I hope your TF works his stuff out. Or that you meet your soulmate.


    It’s interesting to hear your perspective on things, because I also feel like I’m moving from having an anxious attachment style to a more secure one. And a big part of the reason for that is that since meeting S, I’ve made a concerted effort to only date men who are consistent, who seem to want something long-term and who don’t ignite these crazy feelings of anxiety and self-doubt in me. I’ve also learned to express my needs more, be more comfortable with being vulnerable and end things when I realize a guy is probably avoidant.

    Overall I have little doubt that my encounter with S, whether he is my TF or not, stirred up something in me that led me to a path of self-discovery and spiritual progress, and for that I am grateful. I saw the TF video you recommended and loved it (the couple is so cute and insightful!) and I do think in the end the tf/false tf flame distinction is probably irrelevant. No matter how I label S, it’s clear to me that he has had a “sacred purpose” in my life, which was basically to jump start my interest in spiritual development and to force me to re-think and modify my attachment styles in relationships.

    Thanks for well wishes with regard to my TF/soulmate..wishing you the same!



    That’s beautiful.

    faber castell

    Hey Lena,

    I have little to share but I’m loving your story and how you wrote it. I can almost feel the connection! I hope you get your answers. It does seem like a difficult choice to make since it’s such a difficult kind of connection to encounter.

    Hola @Grenada, can you please expand on this?:

    “Your TF regardless to where they are physically will always be connected to you. So boundaries are also important . Especially spiritual boundaries. But yours doesn’t seem to be like at that annoying stage yet.”

    How do you know if you’ve got your spiritual boundaries on the right place? What happens in the annoying stage?

    Thank you, light and good day.


    Thanks Faber! I was a bit long-winded and probably provided way too much detail lol but I couldn’t help just get it off my chest. And yes, it is a really challenging connection, mostly because it’s made me doubt myself so much. A part of me has sought to disown the connection and cast it off as being a figment of my imagination because of how intense and strange and non-conventional it is. But the more I disown it, the more my subconscious forces me to accept it as real…for instance, I’ll dream about him more during periods where I’ve attempted to suppress what I feel towards him. So I’m slowly learning to just accept it, “crazy” or not. And also realize that in some ways I’VE been the avoidant one, even though I’ve always labeled him as the “runner”.

    Great question by the way, I would love to know the same. @Grenada , if you don’t mind me asking, how did you leave things with your twin flame? Did you eventually learn to accept it and move on?  I’m fearful as to whether I’ll able to truly let go of the desire to see S again and be “reunited,” versus just living my life and being ok with whatever happens.


    Dear Lena:

    I am not sure at the moment, talking about spiritual concepts like twin flames and soulmates and such, I don’t know if there is more than just this one spiritual concept- trust. It is not a tangible item, and it is more than a feeling. Millions of children fall into an abyss of life time of dysfunction  every day because a parent betrayed their trust.

    All children trust blindly, not even knowing there is such a possibility of their trust betrayed.

    When that happens, when we are betrayed as children (and most of us are, in one way or another), there is only one way back to mental well-being and that is an adult relationship where mutual trust is practiced, when both parties to the relationship are trustworthy and trusting.

    When a man (or a woman) keeps his word to the other, tells the truth, speaks about her when she is not present the same way as he speaks to her or about her in her presenece, when he doesn’t disappear from her life with no  explanation or without bothering to explain beyond a text, when he stays and has her well-being on his mind, walking his talk- there is no man or relationship more spiritual.

    Trust and being worthy of trust is everything and without these- there is nothing.

    If I was you, the only question I would ask about this or that man is not if he is a twin flame, but- is he trustworthy? And if he is, take in a deep breath of fresh air- there is nothing more refreshing and spiritual than trust-in-practice.




    Thanks for your perspective–I agree that trust is really the building block to any meaningful relationship.  Much more so than infatuation, which is what I often worry my feelings towards S can only be described as.  For me, I cut things off with him–despite being very, very into him–because logically, I knew that I could not date someone, even casually, that didn’t respect my time, wasn’t consistent, didn’t show a genuine interest in getting to know me, etc.  And so I distanced myself from him,  because I knew that he was someone I couldn’t rely on to provide me with what I 100% know I need in a relationship.  And him saying things behind my back to suggest the feelings were one-sided only confirmed my fears that maybe I just have an unhealthy infatuation I need to work to get over.

    The only problem is, the more I try to let go and move on, the more I cling onto him.  I really don’t know why.  I’ve had many relationships/flings over the years and though some have been intense, I’ve usually gotten over them without any issues (with the exception of 1 boyfriend who was on my mind for years, but that was an actual relationship.  Unlike this).  I don’t know what it is about S that makes me still think about him so often.  I try to fill my time with meaningful things–seeing friends, taking trips, hobbies–but the negative part of me feels really disappointed in myself.  Like maybe my life is so empty that I need to invent wild romances to make it more exciting.  I feel bad if that’s the case, because I really do just want to live in the present and see reality as it is instead of living in some fantasy I’ve created.

    It also doesn’t help that at times S has appeared to have similar feelings, though he’s refused to actually talk about them in depth with me.  Again, the pessimistic part of me has come to the conclusion that he probably doesn’t have those feelings after all….he’s probably just getting some ego boost from having a girl that’s “super into him,” as he told his friend.  I don’t know.  I’m tired of speculating about his state of mind or emotions towards me and just want to focus on myself, but it’s really hard.  Especially since he lives in the same city and I know it’s possible that I’ll run into him in a social setting.


    I’m always here to talk it out though. I’m just a little jaded.




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