March 18, 2019 at 10:44 pm #285243
Hello everyone. It’s been a while since I came here but maybe I can share some of my thoughts with you. It would be easy to just say that I feel apathy after my last relationship ended. It’s as if I had lost my sexual energy completely and have no idea why or how it happened and I would like to know if there’s a way to help myself come back or grow into myself again. With my ex things ended really tough, I was hurt, but I sort of admit we weren’t for each other. Even when we had an amazing sexual loving bond, I think the strongest I’ve ever had, at least in my adult life after my first love, he was also a very cold guy when it came to ending things. Cruelly and razorblade cold I might say. And after that I haven’t been able to date again, and it freaks me out to not understand well the link between that and my absolute change in my sexuality. Of course, not talking about intercourse, but about energy within myself. I feel shattered, old, done, dead, I can’t even see myself the same way again. I see myself, not kidding, as a 50 year old woman but Im 32. I’ve stepped aside from everyone and every man I’ve met recently and of course they have known a side of me that I can’t recognize, like I don’t even look afraid, I think Ive grown into a different person who lacks a really important side of life. I am afraid in a weird projection I lost some sense of my sexuality thinking maybe I won’t have that chemistry again with anyone else, but still it doesn’t explain why I feel so old or whatever. I guess I’d like to know if theres a way to find out if I’ve lost my spark around people or if it’s just me feeling blue, because the men Ive dated have heard me loud and clear, and its good, I’m not hiding, I just lost it. I don’t find interest in sharing anything else than a friendly couple of hours and it worries me, I am a sexual person, I think I see myself horribly right now but can’t seem to find the piece that made all this turn into my weird identity of today. I cannot seem to picture myself having sex ever again with anyone, but I do not think I’m in love or want to be with my ex either. I feel like I lost a vital, sensual, romantic side of me and grew old in spirit and in body.
Recently, a guy who I always liked from afar and had a class in college with wrote to me on Facebook. He and I ran into each other a year ago, when I was with my ex, at a wedding. We were both with our partners but sort of drunk and he just told me he had always liked me back then and he always felt like I wouldn’t have corresponded him because he was younger. I said I always liked him too and just laughed about it and we both said goodbye and left to our partners. I guess it made the ego in my younger self happy but that was it, I remember coming back to my boyfriend thinking I was glad I was with him now. In all honesty, I concluded he didn’t like me at some point because even when we stared at each other, were sort of flirty from afar, he never said anything during a time we actually had a class together. I think that when someone truly likes you, they will let you know if they have the chance. But then that happened, and now, he wrote to me like a week ago. He is way too flirty which is weird anyways, since its been years we haven’t talked, and we barely know each other, telling me it was great to see me that day a year ago. That it was too bad we didn’t speak afterwards and that I should’ve known he was just assuming I wasn’t interested because i was older, and back then, the years were a lot more evident. He asked me out, but I couldn’t go out that day so we might never talk again, or he might ask me out again. I think the latter. With the couple of times we’ve talked it seems to me this is either the comeback of and exciting thing that never took place, or, a guy who is looking for someone to sleep with, and I would enjoy it if you know, I didn’t feel this level of boring. I think i might go out and just talk to him about plain stuff, analyze life or whatever and don’t even reject him, but get bored and bore him as a way out.
I want to master this weird low vibe in me, and take care of myself at the same time. He did make me spark reminding me of my old self, the one he remembers in college, but Im too off… I don’t want to scare this person away, or myself, anymore. Thoughts?March 19, 2019 at 11:23 am #285335
Dear faber castell:
I think you need a different experience than before, something new and honest, not the same-old-same-old.
“this level of boring” can be cured by something new, a new attitude regarding relationships, maybe taking on a more scientific, organized attitude: setting well thought-of goals for the relationship, making a plan to make a healthy, honest and loving relationship happen and then go about executing such a plan, re-evaluating it along the way, adjusting it and persisting with it until you get what you need and want.
What do you think?
anitaMarch 22, 2019 at 9:40 am #285795Shae HepburnParticipant
Hello Faber Castell
You’re clearly dealing with some sort of ambivalence, which comes out when you talk about this flirty guy. You need to work with your chakras. I cannot begin to tell you just how powerful doing that along with “womb healing” is. A woman becomes a powerful sexual magnet when that happens. But you need to be clear about what you want to attract and that is crucial. So I would suggest doing a daily chakra clearing exercise (google and choose one that resonates with you) and do some womb healing afterwards. Now this is powerful so I wouldn’t suggest doing it every night because you need to have time to integrate whatever comes up.
How to do is easy: you simply sit in a quiet meditative state, and put your cupped hands as close to your womb as possibly (just below the belly) and ground yourself. (google how to do this)Next focus on your sexual energy as it feels right now. The aim is to invite the energy to “speak to you”. If you relax enough the stuff that will came up is powerful. It will bring up trauma issues, abandonment issues, self worth issues, feeling of being blocked creatively etc…. If nothing comes up,don’t force it, but thank the energy and say that you will try again tomorrow. The aim is to establish an ongoing connection. I have had issues come up to do with my mother which I was carrying and had nothing to do with me but that I was carrying it as my own belief. What I can say is that you will revive your sexual energy and you will attract men like crazy, regardless of what you look like. You see for women the womb is where our power lies in terms of starting new things, creativity and sexuality. But when all this is done you need to be clear what you want to attract. If you clear your chakras and work on connecting and clearing your sacred womb and you have not become clear on what you want to attract , you will attract that ambivalence by having unsuitable men make advances at you. Plus and (this is a plus) you will know it’s working because not only will you start looking after yourself in a new way, your beliefs will start changing, you will have a spring in your step, people will comment how radiant you look. And men will be drawn to you.
This works but you need to practice this a few times. Your sexuality will originate from your womb and you will become less obsessed about your looks and focus more about how your energy makes other people feel. It is powerful. I know because I have tried it and a few women I know tried it and it worked really well. But like I said this is a practice that needs to be practiced with regularity. The fact that you are perceptive enough to understand your energy is weird means that I suspect you have alot of blockages in one or two chakras and also in your womb space. I suspect your ex-boyfriend’s coldness left a mark on you affecting how you feel about yourself and your self worth. You mention that the sex was good but he ended coldly with you meaning that subconsciously you could have believed that perhaps there is something wrong with you for him to have treated you like that. (hence the weird sexual energy)Again if that is the case it will come up when you do the womb healing(or something else).
It would be great to see how you get on.March 25, 2019 at 9:34 pm #286385
Hello Shae! Thank you so much for your response, is chakra cleaning the same as chakra opening? I am afraid to “open” them because I’ve I’ve already had experiences with not so positive entities and weird energies so I would like to know, since I’ve also found many recordings in YouTube but don’t know which one I should start with. I really don’t know much about the subject but I do know I’m really sensitive to all of it. Do you have any suggestions? I am absolutely up for trying the womb healing as well.
Thank you, have a great day!
March 25, 2019 at 9:38 pm #286389
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by faber castell.
Thank you for your response Anita. I’m sure you’re right about this:
“‘this level of boring’ can be cured by something new”
but also I’m not really sure about how to make a detailed plan or a more methodic approach to a relationship with another, I mean, I still don’t have it but do you mean like manifesting it? Thanks, have a nice day. 🙂March 26, 2019 at 8:03 am #286409
Dear faber castell:
The problem: “I feel shattered, old, done, dead… I feel like I lost a vital, sensual, romantic side of me and grew old in spirit and in body”.
My suggestion to you, above: do “something new”. You responded: “I’m sure you’re right about this”, but what/ how?
In my quest to elaborate on my suggestion, I read all your posts in your previous threads, starting November 2013. May I take you to a tour on memory lane…?-
Nov 2013 you posted following a breakup of a four year relationship. You wrote about a guy, a friends’ friend. He talked a lot about beautiful-looking women. He told you that he thought that a combination of your brains and personality with another (beautifully looking woman’s) face “would be just the perfect & ideal woman”. About his comment, you wrote: “I’ve felt like he told me something I’ve felt my whole life: that guts don’t really find me that attractive”, but you expressed a healthy dose of self esteem at the time by responding to him appropriately and you shared about your thoughts on the matter: “I do think there’s a chance of someone thinking and feeling I’m beautiful with some degree of sincerity.. other guys I’ve dated have made me believe this”.
Ten months later, September 2014, you shared about your nine months on again off again relationship, one that started after the completion of your first thread. He broke up with you a few times, then begged you to stay, saying he wanted to marry you, then finally there was the morning-shower-incident: the two of you had a wonderful intimate and sexual experience in the shower. Right after that experience he broke up with you. When you told him, that same morning, that you just had sex, he said: “Oh yea, well, sorry about that, it was a mistake because I still wanted to break up with you”. You were angry and expressed to him: “this is the most horrible thing..” and he said: “Please, it takes two to have sex”. The breakup took effect soon after.
It took you a while to get over that experience, and you had dreams for a whole week about other guys having sex with you and then disappearing. “now I’m so scared of sex and I feel so rejected. Something I had never felt before at all”, you wrote.
A month after that breakup, October 2014, you termed that month ago relationship “emotionally abusive” and you termed that shower incident “something very similar to sexual abuse”. You wrote: “Now I feel numb and stuck, I wake up everyday with a horrible pain in my stomach and I think I’m angry and frustrated… I think I’m starting to get depressed, my sleep patterns are off”.
Five months later, March 2015, you met a man who was drunk, in a bar. He told you that he thought you were “a normal girl… you’re cool and I mean, you’re a little ugly”. You felt offended but gave him your phone number anyway but shared on your thread that you didn’t intend to date him.
Ten months after that, January 2016, you wrote about a lesbian relationship: “This was my first lesbian relationship after a long story of long relationships with men”. There was a break up, a getting back together, and then she ghosted you. You wrote: “I don’t wanna keep being the decent reliable human being for someone who won’t reciprocate… I still don’t want to hurt her or to make her hate me even more (I know I shouldn’t care)… I can’t really force anyone to be anything different than they are, or to love me”.
Three years and two months later, these very days, you “feel shattered, old, done, dead” and I suggested that you need something new. Before I proceed, I want to ask you: you wrote years ago that you are explosive, regarding anger, if I understood correctly, but you didn’t describe anything at all about anger explosions on your part, with previous boyfriends/ girlfriend. Were there such explosions, and if so, how did they look/sound like?
March 26, 2019 at 4:12 pm #286499Shae HepburnParticipant
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by anita.
Hi Faber Castell
Chakra Cleansing is not the same as chakra opening. In fact unless you know what you are doing I wouldn’t recommend opening chakras because as you so rightly said it can connect you with some odd energies. But even as you clean your chakras, if you do it right it is possible to open them even if for short periods of time , which is why I said it is important to ground yourself. Doing energy work always requires grounding. If you ground yourself and protect your energy by imagining that you are sealing yourself and your energy inside a bubble(this is very good practice to do when you are with someone who drains your energy or is very negative) then you should be fine. However, this type of work involves fixing the problem at the source and it is deep inner work. It is not something you do once or twice and forget about it. So this is not something I recommend for everyone.And if you have reservations of working with chakras then I would advise you work with someone that knows what they are doing. Having said that, the safest thing for you to do is perhaps to go down the route of making plans and introducing something new as the previous contributor advised. However if your chakras are heavily blocked creating something new and setting up a plan and carrying it out isn’t going to be happening that easily because of the blockages. This will be achieved easily after the chakras are cleaned but not likely before. In fact you proved my point when you asked in reply to the previous contributor’s suggestion ” but also I’m not really sure about how to make a detailed plan or a more methodic approach to a relationship with another, I mean, I still don’t have it but do you mean like manifesting it?” It makes absolute sense that you would say that.
I would recommend Tess Whitehurst’s way of unblocking chakras with affirmations, it is easy to do and you will find that they deliver results.
Most of people’s problems happen at an energy level, and yes you can spend alot of time fiddling with superficial solutions and get no results or temporary results. However if you are willing to put in the work, the problem is best need to be fixed at the source. But it’s powerful stuff and some people don’t want to experience powerful change but would be invested in just ambling along with their issues. And that’s alright because sometimes that is the best one can do.Whatever you decide to do trust your gut instinct and do what feels right for you.
March 27, 2019 at 8:04 am #286557
- This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by Shae Hepburn. Reason: font
Dear faber castell:
I may not get an answer from you, so I figured I might as well comment on my extensive reading of your threads yesterday, hoping I can offer you something of value.
The thought I had yesterday as to the reason your “sexual energy feels weird, old, turned off” is Relationship Fatigue, a term I came up with yesterday. You are simply tired and discouraged because of too many discouraging experiences for too long.
The first guy you shared about, the one who told you that he thought that a combination of your brains and personality with another woman’s face “would be just perfect & ideal woman”- what his comment led you to think was that “guys don’t really find me that attractive”. What his comment led me to think was the following: “just perfect & ideal woman” for what? For a … better sexual experience for the guy? And/ or for showing the woman off to work colleagues and better his career? And/or.. what?
The second guy you shared about, the one who had sex with you that morning after he formed the intent to break up with you, not telling you his intent- you later referred to it as “something very similar to sexual abuse”. My thoughts about it: do not underestimate a person’s motivation to have sex. Mating is a very strong motivation in other animals, driving males to perform extraordinary rituals so to attract a female. When a male in nature goes through those rituals, he is motivated by excitement. Same is true to humans, and men in particular. They get all excited. That excitement has nothing to do with anything other than the chemicals rushing in the blood, the physical happenings in the body.
The “something new” that I suggested to you in the context of relationships would be: find out a person’s motivation: what does he (or she) values, what does he want from you?
-if the man wants a sexual relationship alone, better you know that and figure if this is what you want. Maybe he wants to get married, find that out. Get to know the person before getting physically involved, especially now, that you are “turned off”.
Get to know him, have long conversations, over time, in a coffee place or in a park, sitting on the grass and talking.
Physical beauty is really a personal thing. Men have found you beautiful in the past, and so, some men will think of you as beautiful in the future. And the more there is a meeting-of-the-minds between you and a future man (or woman), the more beautiful you will appear to him. Keep being honest with the person, see to it that he is honest with you, let time go by with no sex, and your energy will come back when it is wise for it to come back, I hope.
anitaApril 1, 2019 at 9:45 pm #287257
thank you for your all of your responses, I was just coming to answer back the first one and realized there was a newer one. Well, reading that memory lane history was really shocking and I appreaciate you did it. I was just speechless. It’s so sad! I see here I’ve gotten lots of things that I really didn’t deserve (and it’s terrible because many therapists have also told me, or told me back then, things like “don’t victimize yourself”, etc., which only made things worse, whenever I felt the true need to value myself and speak up, which at the same time requiered for me to recognize unfair treatment, I got really discouraged. It’s been a long road of really one bad experience after another, and I don’t necessarily believe I want to be there or I attract them, I think people sometimes are really not compassionate, not respectful, and that has put me in some serious debate with some people who think differently. If you don’t mind, Id like to answer your first question. Which one of those anger expressions were common in me? Well… that’s also one story that might connect to this. Mi wasn’t even that free regarding that expression of anger now that I’ve been able to look back at that narrative, that was something my first boyfriend used to tell me a lot. And I have a strong temper and personality, so I thought he was very right when he shamed me for being angry (after he was actually lying to me and I just felt it but couldn’t prove it so got really mad many times). He made me think I had some issues around that and it’s just until now that I’ve started to feel how damaging it was to suppress and doubt myself from those feelings, since now I’ve carried that along with me for a long time, I grew ashamed of being angry, because his abuse was not evident and many people dislike very much any expression of the so-called “negative” emotions. I don’t really know if I could ever free myself from that submission with him, or others. These guys you read here, I always answer with some argument and rational remark and more and more I’ve started to just get baffled by lame or disrespectful attitudes and nothing else. I say what I think, I get sad, I get angry but feel powerless, impotent with what I’ve seen in humanity my recent years. That, I think, is my predominant emotion, or feeling, or lack of. It’s hard. But I do think you’re right about sex and letting things wake up from another perspective first. Nevertheless, when you postpone sex guys are still there for the mere interest of sex, generally speaking, so it’s really not so clear sometimes when they want to be there for you or just to get it. I think I’m still giving off that weird vibe and they go away easily. Also I believe though that this quickly turns into love or friendship, and I still need to take care of my heart. All of this just thoughts before I sleep, sorry if it’s too chaotic and monological. Thank you for making me reflect on my past, hasn’t been nice what’s ive seen here. Also, looks like I really feel ugly, not so much for me, but because others have cared to inform me what they think on my looks lote than once (now that I see it) and it sucks, I really had blocked many of those… and I can trust myself and think I am more valuable than that but now I understand why I feel so doubtful, it hasn’t come only from myself and I think that has been really unfortunate, I didn’t deserve that and can’t really avoid ruminating on those comments and wondering if they’re right, horrific.
Cheers and all my best.April 2, 2019 at 6:39 am #287279
Dear faber castell:
You are welcome. Your recent post is not very clear to me so I will write to you what I think I understood:
1. You saw therapists who dismissed or minimized your feelings and experiences in life by saying things like “don’t victimize yourself”. They discouraged you from valuing yourself, speaking up and recognizing unfair treatment.
2. You believe (and I agree) that “people sometimes are really not compassionate, not respectful” and “some people think differently”- (do you mean that you have met people who believe that all people are compassionate and respectful?)
3. Regarding your anger: you wrote that your first boyfriend told you that you have “a strong temper and personality” and he shamed you for being angry. I didn’t understand: did he shame you for feeling angry or for acting angry, and if he shamed you for acting angry, what acts were those (ex. yelling, slamming doors, calling names, breaking things)?
You wrote: “I grew ashamed of being angry.. many people dislike very much any expression of the so-called ‘negative’ emotions”- again, I am wondering, what were your expressions of anger?
Anger is a very problematic emotion for most people. We all feel anger, it is natural, not a matter or choice and we are not bad people for feeling anger, not at all. When we feel angry, automatically our muscles tighten, including our facial muscles and the tone of your voice becomes stronger, a bit louder. We can’t control these reactions as well. But we can choose to contain them, to not escalate to abusive expressions against others.
4. “I .. feel powerless, impotent with what I’ve seen in humanity in recent years”- I wish you can elaborate on it. I would like to read more what you have seen in humanity in recent years.