Forum Replies Created
August 28, 2019 at 10:27 am #309561
Kkasxo I am so sorry to hear that you think you might have to live with the PTSD. I know it is hard to overcome it but it is not impossible. Thank you for all your kind words but please consider just how much you have overcome yourself. It is heartwarming to know you never gave up on yourself. I just wish my journey had not been as long and so lead to cancer as my wake up call. Because it just made it all so much harder,but again not impossible. When I feel inclined to feel sorry for myself I like to remind myself that on some level I must have chosen all these experiences to learn and grow and then I feel my heart swell up with awe and gratitude and I feel truly blessed. I honestly do not know what kept me going most of my dark times except for a steely determination, even down to finding out I had PTSD in the first place. Even down to “resetting” myself which has been a skill I value the most learning for myself. (it works by me mentally and emotionally rebooting myself and ensuring that if I have a bad day this does not turn into weeks or months. It’s working as now my bad days last a few hours and not even full days) And now most days I wake up and I feel mood wise amazing even though my body still aches. I know that clearly I have worked on my mind and it’s paying off however my body is telling me I need to unpack the pain and let it go, which is what I am doing write now. Maybe most people wouldn’t have bothered if they were in my shoes, but like you,I have never given up on myself. Please hold onto that, because you deserve to be happy and to thrive. I am so grateful you responded to my post. In these brief moments you made me feel less alone and more hopeful that I am on the right track. Please stay in touch if you would like.August 28, 2019 at 4:20 am #309505
Kkasxo I loved your last post! I related to what you said because like you, I never had any mental health issues before. I was a relatively happy child(despite the childhood issues) and later adult. I think for me it was my sense of safety being taken away from me, which even now I still struggle with in terms of triggers and anxiety. Yes my nervous system has calmed down significantly because now I can feel, when I was just numbed out for years, but gosh it’s just been relentlessly hard work to get to where I am right now. And like you I struggled for years understanding what was wrong with me? Why did it feel like parts of me were missing? Was I going crazy? So yes the website was helpful to me too,reading Michele Rosenthal’s books helped me understand what I was going through too, as did the books and research into neuroscience. I am afraid therapy has not helped me because I haven’t really found anyone who understood how good trauma therapy works. It’s just been alot of therapists asking me to talk endlessly.
I tell you what is strange: I have spent so long living,breathing, walking and talking my PTSD recovery that it feels like that is all my life is about. I didn’t identify with the cancer and yet it is hard for me NOT to identify with PTSD because it has cost me so much and has taken up so much of my life. BUT I relate to what you said about the brokeness and being unfixable. I dealt with that too and I KNOW that a part of me which is my soul is whole and needs no fixing and that feeling of being broke and unfixable is just the ego feeling shattered because all it thought it knew before was a lie. But I think the gift in that is that if you can work through that then life is giving you a chance to really connect with you ARE deep down inside on a soul level. Oh my gosh, that has been so true for me. But the most important thing I did was make the decision that no therapist or other person is going to tell me whether I can heal or not from the PTSD, because I have made the decision that not only will I overcome I will thrive. These 20 years have to count for something, seeing as it came at such a high price.
I think you’re amazing and I think that one thing all of us going through trauma have in common is that deep down inside we are magnificent. PTSD is not for wimps, or the faint hearted it is for people who ultimately have a choice to make: do they succumb to the tatters that trauma has left them with or do they dig deep within their souls and realise they were just butterflies waiting to metamorph into something quite free and beautiful! I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words which touched me so deep, because it seems like we have so many similarities in our journey. What I want to know is how do you cope when things get tough, bleak and hopeless?
P.S.I journal too btw.August 27, 2019 at 3:31 pm #309485
Anita thank you for your input it is appreciated.
Kkasxo I am so sorry to hear about your PTSD.Yes I am aware of myptsd website ,it’s one of the many tools I used during my recovery. I hope you have recovered?
Inky thank you for your words. Unfortunately I was in Amsterdam during a team building weekend for work and when the rape happened my manager put me on the first plane home to London and when I later tried to go through the Victims Tribunal in Belgium they would not take action because I did not report it to the police in Amsterdam. So he got away with it and I feel awful about it, however at the time I did all I could even tried to take action here, but again without the report to the police in Amsterdam nothing happened.I did want to go to the police but my manager (who was also a woman) was more concerned about her job and thought it was the best thing for me to do was return home. I was in a bad way and did that.I appreciate what you said however I think I have paid back in kind for how my life has gone the last 20 years:I think for me taking my power about is about healing me, something that is long overdue. The best revenge I can have is to be happy and have a good life. While I do feel bad that I was not able to prevent him from doing this to other women, I cannot change the past and what happened. What I can do is concentrate on getting my life back on track. I am sure the rapist will have to deal with his own karma.
I have no doubt that the bitterness, anger and rage I felt for him doing this to me contributed to me getting the cancer and so I made the decision to be kind to myself and that means dealing with my emotions differently.August 26, 2019 at 12:04 pm #309399
Anita thank you for your post and the kind words. In answer to your question. For me a new life is about reclaiming my true self, it’s about being able to redefine myself and live my life on my own terms without genuinely not caring about what others think. It’s about expressing my creativity and creating wildly and with abandoned joy in my heart and leaving that signature of me behind for all to see.It’s about loving and being loved without holding back but most importantly getting that right with the relationship with myself. And finally it is about understanding and learning at a deep visceral level the worth of who I am in those moments of pain and darkness and that in the end I didn’t have to do anything to be of value to myself, I just had to exist.
Did you get your new life? How was it for you?March 26, 2019 at 4:12 pm #286499
Hi Faber Castell
Chakra Cleansing is not the same as chakra opening. In fact unless you know what you are doing I wouldn’t recommend opening chakras because as you so rightly said it can connect you with some odd energies. But even as you clean your chakras, if you do it right it is possible to open them even if for short periods of time , which is why I said it is important to ground yourself. Doing energy work always requires grounding. If you ground yourself and protect your energy by imagining that you are sealing yourself and your energy inside a bubble(this is very good practice to do when you are with someone who drains your energy or is very negative) then you should be fine. However, this type of work involves fixing the problem at the source and it is deep inner work. It is not something you do once or twice and forget about it. So this is not something I recommend for everyone.And if you have reservations of working with chakras then I would advise you work with someone that knows what they are doing. Having said that, the safest thing for you to do is perhaps to go down the route of making plans and introducing something new as the previous contributor advised. However if your chakras are heavily blocked creating something new and setting up a plan and carrying it out isn’t going to be happening that easily because of the blockages. This will be achieved easily after the chakras are cleaned but not likely before. In fact you proved my point when you asked in reply to the previous contributor’s suggestion ” but also I’m not really sure about how to make a detailed plan or a more methodic approach to a relationship with another, I mean, I still don’t have it but do you mean like manifesting it?” It makes absolute sense that you would say that.
I would recommend Tess Whitehurst’s way of unblocking chakras with affirmations, it is easy to do and you will find that they deliver results.
Most of people’s problems happen at an energy level, and yes you can spend alot of time fiddling with superficial solutions and get no results or temporary results. However if you are willing to put in the work, the problem is best need to be fixed at the source. But it’s powerful stuff and some people don’t want to experience powerful change but would be invested in just ambling along with their issues. And that’s alright because sometimes that is the best one can do.Whatever you decide to do trust your gut instinct and do what feels right for you.
March 22, 2019 at 9:58 am #285803
- This reply was modified 6 months ago by Shae Hepburn. Reason: font
GL that was spot on superb advise.Dahn, I went through the same as you and worked on my boundaries and now I have found that people have a new found respect for me, because I speak up for myself. And when I do people know that I value myself sothey do the same. Just remember this: you are the person who has to live with you every single moment for the rest of your life. It is not selfish to put yourself first, and care for yourself above all else. When you do, it becomes easy not to worry about what others think of you.March 22, 2019 at 9:40 am #285795
Hello Faber Castell
You’re clearly dealing with some sort of ambivalence, which comes out when you talk about this flirty guy. You need to work with your chakras. I cannot begin to tell you just how powerful doing that along with “womb healing” is. A woman becomes a powerful sexual magnet when that happens. But you need to be clear about what you want to attract and that is crucial. So I would suggest doing a daily chakra clearing exercise (google and choose one that resonates with you) and do some womb healing afterwards. Now this is powerful so I wouldn’t suggest doing it every night because you need to have time to integrate whatever comes up.
How to do is easy: you simply sit in a quiet meditative state, and put your cupped hands as close to your womb as possibly (just below the belly) and ground yourself. (google how to do this)Next focus on your sexual energy as it feels right now. The aim is to invite the energy to “speak to you”. If you relax enough the stuff that will came up is powerful. It will bring up trauma issues, abandonment issues, self worth issues, feeling of being blocked creatively etc…. If nothing comes up,don’t force it, but thank the energy and say that you will try again tomorrow. The aim is to establish an ongoing connection. I have had issues come up to do with my mother which I was carrying and had nothing to do with me but that I was carrying it as my own belief. What I can say is that you will revive your sexual energy and you will attract men like crazy, regardless of what you look like. You see for women the womb is where our power lies in terms of starting new things, creativity and sexuality. But when all this is done you need to be clear what you want to attract. If you clear your chakras and work on connecting and clearing your sacred womb and you have not become clear on what you want to attract , you will attract that ambivalence by having unsuitable men make advances at you. Plus and (this is a plus) you will know it’s working because not only will you start looking after yourself in a new way, your beliefs will start changing, you will have a spring in your step, people will comment how radiant you look. And men will be drawn to you.
This works but you need to practice this a few times. Your sexuality will originate from your womb and you will become less obsessed about your looks and focus more about how your energy makes other people feel. It is powerful. I know because I have tried it and a few women I know tried it and it worked really well. But like I said this is a practice that needs to be practiced with regularity. The fact that you are perceptive enough to understand your energy is weird means that I suspect you have alot of blockages in one or two chakras and also in your womb space. I suspect your ex-boyfriend’s coldness left a mark on you affecting how you feel about yourself and your self worth. You mention that the sex was good but he ended coldly with you meaning that subconsciously you could have believed that perhaps there is something wrong with you for him to have treated you like that. (hence the weird sexual energy)Again if that is the case it will come up when you do the womb healing(or something else).
It would be great to see how you get on.March 17, 2019 at 1:09 pm #285021
Sadman11 your predicament is not unlike the one I had to deal with. There was a part of me that mourned the me that could have been had I been loved and supported. I guess that I went through that period of feeling sorry for myself: “why did I get to have the crappy family?”. And in my case my life took a turn for the worst for many years , it is only now that I am starting to make sense of everything. And I realized that everything is happening EXACTLY as it should.Life loves me so much it decided to heap on so much on my broad shoulders because it knew that I would find out who I really was. But it’s more than that: I believe of all us agree before we are born into this life what issues we are going to take on. So I have chosen to look at it this way: I am grateful for every single moment. I would have preferred it to be different,but ultimately knowing that I chose it all to become who I was always deep inside has made it all worth it.
But with you consider the fact that if you have children or will have one day you can give them what your parents never gave you. You cannot change the past, but having a victim mentality will not help you make sense of things. Ultimately it would be lovely if our parents ushered us into the world safely and lovingly but that doesn’t happen often, because few people work on themselves before bringing children into this world. You are responsible for yourself and while you cannot travel back to rewrite history, you do have choices in the now.
How you view your narrative is something you can choose right now and what legacy to leave behind for your kids (if you have them or choose to have themin the future).If you do not want kids you still have the choice of what to choose what your life stood for.March 17, 2019 at 12:33 pm #285017
This guy is showing typical signs of a control freak. Absolutely do not show him your phone. And consider yourself lucky that you are no longer with him because next he would start telling you what to wear, what friends to see, who to look at etc…
If a man said I was dirty and impure I would ask “what are you doing with me then?”. No point in him judging me, because in doing so he is judging himself.This guy is not good news and I would QUICKLY move on and find someone else.He has done you a favour, as you could have married him only to find out what a miserable life you would have with him.Love is not a man telling you he loves you and acting the opposite. His actions speak louder than his words, but the bottom line is that he is trying to control you.
But I leave you with one question : why are you settling for men like this? Do you not feel you deserve a man that will treat you with love and respect? Why not? Only you can answer that.March 17, 2019 at 12:20 pm #285013
Some people tend to hide behind “honesty” alot. But actually REAL honesty is not about disprespecting other people, it’s about being true to yourself while honouring others. If you did the same to him would he like it? In other words if you were to sit and make lewd comments about other men in front of him would he like it? Now I don’t know your boyfriend, but I could bet you that he would hate it. Why? Because in the same way that you feel his comments about other women are disrespectful to you the comments are also meant to undermine you and how you feel.He would feel the same, anyone would, unless you have zero self esteem.Make no mistake this has nothing to do with feeling insecure. It has everything to do with why he is being disrespectful in front of you and not honouring you. Plus you have asked him to stop and that is actually not an insecure thing, it’s called setting boundaries and it’s a healthy thing.If he loved you he would stop, in fact he would never do it in the first place. You can do whatever you like about this situation but what I have found out about some men is that they always seem to take a jab at how a woman feels about herself, and that is wrong when they start blaming us as feeling insecure. What they are saying is that you are making a big thing out of nothing, and your feelings aren’t nothing. A man’s opinion should NEVER trump how you feel about yourself. In what planet does this bloke think ANY woman would find it’s okay for him to make comments in front of you about other women?
So all I would say is NEVER allow any man to make you feel less than or make you feel like what you feel doesn’t matter. Secondly sometimes giving a man back his own medicine proves a point so much more succintly then any words could. If he eyes out other women in your presence then do the same with men only 10 times more obvious. If he talks about other women in your company do the same but amp it up, so he gets your point loud and clear. If he DOESN’T get your point and if he doesn’t react then dump him. You seem like an intelligent woman who deserves so much more than a man who to me seems like he is unsure of himself and diflecting this onto you. At the end of the day if man loves you he wants you to feel good about yourself. This smacks like your boyfriend has alot of insecurities he is projecting onto you and then making you feel bad in the process. This is his stuff, not yours,so don’t own it. If he doesn’t sort his mess out, look for a replacement.March 7, 2014 at 11:37 am #52477
@kelly I agree with you. Saying you warned your boyfriend when you should be mature enough to speak up, is just using excuses to justify bad behaviour that is cheating. But that happens alot. And yes while we would like to believe that there are loads of people in this world that are mature and adult, we have to consider that everyone is not like us. @ben can take my opinion and use it or discard it that is his choice. But what worries me is the prickliness my comments have provoked.Whether Ben’s girlfriend is manipulative or not is not for you or me to judge and that is not what I did. This post is about him so it would be helpful to keep the responses on point .By the way where is Ben?March 7, 2014 at 10:19 am #52468
@will I wonder if I hit a nerve with you with what I said.You seemed to be oddly annoyed that I would say that some women speak in code. Well the truth is I don’t, because I don’t find the need to play games, but many of my female friends have said to their boyfriends in the same round about that and when they eventually cheated on their boyfriends they then said, “Well I did tried to warn him” (in code mind you). The truth is that in the ideal world we should all have the confidence to ask for what we want directly, but many women don’t feel that they have the right or feel confident to do that. So really while men shouldn’t be specialists in understanding code speak many women speak, the fact is that doesn’t stop some women from having this expectation. Proof of the pudding is the old stereotypes “Does my bum look big in this?” ” Do you think she’s prettier than me?” etc… I was merely pointing to the possibilities: it doesn’t have to apply to Ben’s girlfriend but at least it’s allowing him to view the situation from different angles to see what is more likely and what applies to his situation. Only he would know, obviously because he knows his girlfriend and what of relationship he has with her.March 5, 2014 at 10:40 am #52325
I think, if I am not mistaken you want to know if it’s your insecurity speaking to you or if it’s your gut telling you to watch out. That’s tricky because sometimes we think we are following our intuition but rather it’s just our fear playing tricks on us. But I have discovered a sure way to find out the difference.
Sit with it.
In other words have some alone time and relax or meditate and bring up the situation and concentrate on how your body feels about it. Get a sense about it. In other words you will probably come up with a feeling you cannot quite name that makes you feel uncomfortable. If you work with feelings that are in your body you will always sense the truth about any situation because the body’s felt senses never lie. The trick is to learn to tune in to the feelings and understand what that feeling tells you.If you’re not someone who is in touch with your feelings or intuition you’re not going to have an amazing epiphany so be patient, because this works. And when you know how to tune in properly your true intuition is never wrong.
I would suggest also talking to her and telling her truthfully how you feel (the level of truthful depends on how comfortable you are with her) and most importantly watch her reaction and your own reaction to ascertain what’s really going on.If what is happening is that you feel insecure about yourself then knowing this will allow you to work on those aspects of yourself to make your relationship stronger with her. This part is about you. However if your intuition is right and you are sensing that something is starting to develop between the two then you need to understand what you can do to nip this in the bud. It might not be anything to do with this guy but rather it might be about your girlfriend. Maybe your girlfriend likes the attention she’s getting from this guy that she wishes she was getting from you. Ben you seem to be someone who is quite switched on, so really it’s about trusting what you feel to be right. I am sure you will make sense of it.
Clearly she has picked up on the fact that this bloke likes her otherwise she wouldn’t be saying that she needs to watch how she treats him. But then being a woman myself what she says could be code for her trying to tell you that perhaps you need to watch out as someone else is about to hone in on your territory and that you need to pay more attention to her needs, otherwise she could be tempted. It is impossible to tell because I don’t know her or you.But you certainly can have access to this by watching her reaction when you talk to her about this and even watching your own reaction will start showing whether there is genuine concern or if you’re just tapping into your own insecurities. Whichever it might be don’t jump to any conclusion until you know what’s really going on.March 4, 2014 at 11:54 am #52262
Rebecca you are not alone.
Reading your post made me realise how similar our human struggles are. I am a great believer in the duality of life(in other words you cannot know what happiness is if you’ve never experienced unhappiness), and as much as human beings prefer not to experience pain, when we do it is a reminder that we have wandered away from who we truly are. So this lack of joy or motivation is an opportunity for you to find out who you really are.
I am going to tell you what worked for me when I was in the same situation and it got me out of depression, completely. I realised that I had become a slave to my thinking. And I decided that in order to understand how to get back in touch with myself and what moves me I had to make a project of it. At the time I didn’t even want to get out of bed so this was a big ask. But just once a week I set myself the goal of doing something new and the challenge was finding something that did not overwhelm me, because I was good at finding excuses and reasons of why I didn’t want to do anything except just crawl away and wait for death to claim me(and I knew how long that was going to take….so that wasn’t an option). I started small: going out for a walk was a big deal for me but after a few days I started to look forward to it. I started thinking more clearly, and it allowed me to set up an unambitious small plan of action. The point I am making is that set yourself a weekly challenge that you can handle right now. It has to be do-able. Call it “Project getting to know Rebecca” and find activities that will enable you to get to know yourself from scratch. When you relate to others watch yourself and see how you react. Make it a journalistic project in getting to know yourself and what you like and don’t like. Showing an interest in yourself holds great power and if used long term creates amazing results. Just like you, I had issues with creating and maintaining relationships with people and this process allowed me over time to uncover a confident me and this transformed me and how I related to people and how they relate to me. I won’t lie it wasn’t an overnight process it took time, because that is how long it needed to take for me.But what I discovered is that once I allowed for the possibility that I wanted to change and that I could change (and the last one was the tricky part for me) it meant that I started off a process that has surprised me so many times along the way.
Your efforts about being “seen” by others is actually all about the fact that you do not see yourself, you’re not acknowledging yourself.If you set your intention to get to know yourself intimately that alone sets off a process that you never thought possible.I can only speak from my experience, it wasn’t quick and it wasn’t easy….but boy was it worth it.There is no one way of getting back to happiness, you have to try different ways to find a way that works for you.Give it a go….and good luck.March 4, 2014 at 9:39 am #52254
@sandy before you make any decisions… stop, get a pen and paper out and write down what you want from a relationship with a man. Okay I read your post and you already did the checklist, but that’s NOT what I am talking about. I am talking about what really matters. For example: how do you want to feel when you’re with someone you love? How do you want to be treated? How do you want to treat him?How will you know that he is looking after you? In other words what specifically will indicate to you that he loves you before he ever utters the words? You get the picture. The point is women get bogged down with nonsense: for example he must have super straight teeth, shiny shoes, he has to be tall and have a Porsche etc…That’s all fine and great but what if you get a man that ticks all the boxes and yet treats you like dirt? So the point I am making is that you need to know what you want from this man or any man for matter and that will clear up your confusion.
I can tell you right now that this guy has issues and the biggest one is that he does not feel good enough for you. Secondly because of this insecurity he seems to have devised a way to protect himself by not fully including you in his life. How do I know this? Well look at the fact that he does subtle put downs and then says he’s joking. Actually he isn’t. He puts you down and temporarily feels good about himself but the cost is that you get to feel bad. Is that how you really want to be treated? You seem to be an insightful sensitive young woman that deserves a man that “gets” her. From what you wrote it seems like you dislike being with someone who is not going to treat you the way you feel you deserve to be treated and you know what…. follow that feeling because it’s telling you something important about yourself. It’s telling you to honour yourself. The point is: in any relationship each calls the shots as to how they allow the other to treat them. If you had said to this bloke the first time he put you down that you don’t know tolerate that then you would have set the boundaries quite clearly as to what is acceptable or not for you. But don’t beat yourself up, if you knew better you would have done better. But use this opportunity to get to understand yourself better.
So before you decide to possibly end things, get clear what you want for yourself and from a man and then sit down with him and address these. Discuss the fact that you sensed he perhaps feels insecure around you and reassure him. However make it clear that there are certain things you will not tolerate in the relationship any longer and spell them out clearly, without blame and accusations. If he truly loves you he will move mountains to be with you and he will honour and respect what you need from him (this works both ways) however if he ignores you then at least you know you have tried your best and he has effectively made the decision that you don’t need to make and that he is not worthy of you, and that really you should move on. If anything this is a way to either strengthen the relationship or clear up the confusion and realise that he is not for you. Loving is all fine an well, but at the end of the day if a man (or woman)does not honour you then what is the point of being with them?