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Cant stop thinking about abusive ex

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Shae Hepburn 2 days, 23 hours ago.

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  • #284535

    Janice
    Participant

    Just broke up with my emotionally abusive bf a few days back. I have so many unresolved thoughts that is lingering. He told me that he loves me and will love me forever even though he wouldn’t marry me. If he loves me why does he treats me like shit? He always said I’m stupid and that I am dirty and impure. He minds that I didn’t save my virginity for him. And he will never marry me because of that. I’m his first gf.

    And he said if i want him to reconsider our relationship I’ll have to show him my phone. He said he doesn’t trust me and want to feel more secure by seeing my phone. I have told him I have nothing to hide but I just want to have my privacy. He said there isn’t any privacy in a romantic relationship. Am I wrong to not show him my phone?

    #284587

    Valora
    Participant

    No, you’re not wrong to not want to show him your phone. You’re right in that you’ve set a boundary of trust and it should be respected. This guy does not sound like he was any good for you at all. It’s likely you can’t stop thinking about him because you just broke up a few days ago and you still feel the attachment to him. Give yourself some time… like several months’ worth of time. The attachment will likely fade, your thoughts of him will decrease, and I’m sure you’ll feel much better for not having to deal with someone who treats you in this way.

    I hope you feel proud of yourself for choosing not to tolerate this kind of treatment, because the fact that you chose to leave an abusive relationship is definitely something to be proud of. A lot of people stay when they shouldn’t.

    #284589

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janice:

    No, you are not wrong to not show him your phone. Even if he paid for your phone and for the service, still, you will not be wrong to not show him your phone.

    When a person tells you: you are “stupid.. dirty and impure” and I love you-

    – he is saying to you: I love you even though you are stupid, dirty and impure, so remember that, remember that you don’t deserve my love, and act like you know it. Don’t look at me like I am your equal, look at me as someone superior to you who is kind to you, the inferior one.

    And I “will love (you) forever” for as long as you remember that you are stupid, dirty and impure, forevermore.

    If he marries a woman who is clean and pure (a virgin), she too  will have to agree that she is stupid, at the least, so that she will know her place, inferior to him.

    – and if he does marry a virgin, he may want to continue his relationship with the impure one, because he feels love for you, after all. I hope you don’t allow that to happen.

    What do you think about what I wrote here?

    anita

    #284591

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Janice,

    When you remember the time(s) he called you stupid, just remember… breaking up with him was the smartest thing you could have done.

    When you remember the time(s) he said he loves you but wouldn’t marry you, just remember… you wouldn’t marry him either because you deserve a quality husband.

    When you remember the time(s) he called you dirty and impure, just remember… you belong to no one and have a clean, pure heart, and he’s the one with an unclean mind from the ancient world. P.S. In the ancient world, he couldn’t have you either. You’d be married off to a quality person.

    The Phone: He doesn’t deserve to see your phone. The price of admission is a nice boy who apologizes when he’s wrong, and who treats you with respect.

    If he gives you any more trouble, show him what I wrote, please.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 3 hours ago by  Inky.
    #284647

    Mark
    Participant

    Janice,

    Good for you for having the courage to break up with your abusive bf.  It takes such steps to move toward a healthier life.  This is a way of loving yourself.

    I find it best not to analyze the other person’s behavior but your own.  Ask yourself why you decided to get together with such a person.  Look deep to figure that out so that you won’t repeat that mistake.

    Make sense?

    Mark

    #284669

    Shine
    Participant

    To add a few words to what the others have already said.

    The phrases: “I love you” or ” you are impure”, are extremely polarized ways of thinking of you. For some, and maybe this is the case, good and bad are separate and cannot coexist. You either are perfect when you fulfill what is expected, or, if there is any fault you are become worthless and lose the good quality you had.

    If this is the case, my advice is to stay away. You are yourself, a mixture of good and bad which is the same lovable even with limit and faults.

    #284675

    Janice
    Participant

    Hi all,

    Thanks for the input. He wasn’t like that at the start. Gradually, he started to reveal all these to me and I really thought is my fault for making him this way. As time pass, although I have some awareness that it isn’t right for him to treat me like that, I stayed because I thought if I stayed long enough and convince him that I love him, he will change.

    I grew up in a family where I’m not close to my dad. My dad used to hit me when I’m younger and our relationship turned very sour after which. We talked less than 5 sentences everyday and its all mundane stuff. I have an elder brother who I’m not close to while I’m very close to my mum.

    Deep down, I still feel very empty like something is missing in my life. Every time my ex and I  quarrelled I will get very distressed when he ignores me and begs him not to. The feeling is just like “I’m gonna lose everything”. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why would I need someone like that to fill the emptiness in my heart. Even though he treated me badly, I thought it is better to have him than no one.

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 16 hours ago by  Janice.
    • This reply was modified 5 days, 16 hours ago by  Janice.
    #284681

    Mark
    Participant

    Janice

    I would think that this unconscious draw to someone abusive like your dad is something to pay attention to.

    Plus this emptiness also may come from not having a close, emotional relationship with your dad.

     

    Mark

    #284731

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janice:

    This is my understanding: when you were a child, you loved your father and you wanted him to love you. But he hit you and it hurt when he did. Like all young children, you figured that you  must have done something wrong, or that there was something very wrong with you, and that is why he hit you. You then tried to be a good girl, a good daughter to him, but he hit you again and again.

    Fast forward, you are now a woman, you meet this man who sometime in the relationship starts hitting you with words, and his words hurt you. And just like when you were a child, you figured that you must have done something wrong, or that there is something wrong with you, and that is why he hit you with his words.

    And he himself told you that you have done something wrong (had sex  before meeting him) and that you are stupid, that is, there is something wrong with your intelligence.

    And just like you tried to be a good girl with your father, when you were a child (so that he will love you and not hit you), you tried to love this man more, or better so that he will love you back and no longer say hurtful things to you (“I thought if I stayed long enough and convince him that I love him, he will change”).

    Your efforts with this man failed just as they did with your father, because both your father and this man, when they hit you, physically and with words, they were after power, not love.

    I wrote to you yesterday that what this man communicated to you with his words is something like: “Don’t look at me like I am your equal, look at me as someone superior to you who is kind to you, the inferior one”-

    -love is about equality of value:  the parent viewing his child as of equal human value to himself and therefore not hitting the child, and the man viewing his girlfriend as of equal  value to himself, and therefore he will not hitting her with words.

    Power is about hitting  so to have power-over a person, to be the superior one in human value and the other, the inferior one.

    anita

    #285017

    Shae Hepburn
    Participant

    Janice

    This guy is showing typical signs of a control freak. Absolutely do not show him your phone. And consider yourself lucky  that you are  no longer with him because next he would start telling you what to wear, what friends to see, who to look at etc…

    If a man said I was dirty and impure I would ask “what are you doing with me then?”. No point in him judging me, because in doing so he is judging himself.This guy is not good news and I would  QUICKLY move on and find someone else.He has done you a favour, as you could have married him only to find out what a miserable life you would have with him.Love is not a man telling you he loves you and acting the opposite. His actions speak louder than his words, but the bottom line is that he is trying to control you.

    But I leave you with one question : why are you settling for men like this? Do you not feel you deserve a man that will treat you with love and respect? Why not? Only you can answer that.

     

     

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